Should I attend my mother's wedding?

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kevlarkyogre

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Me and my mother have never gotten on, she verbally abused me and my sister throughout the majority of my childhood and was always extremely drunk to the point we had to take care of her most of the time.

After I moved out I had a lot of therapy and was on antidepressants for a while and even though she hasn’t changed I try to remain on good terms with her because I feel I ought to be kind to her despite how she treats me. She still abuses alcohol and my sister unfortunately still has to live with her as I don’t have the money for her to live with me, I’m only a university student.

However, she has had a boyfriend for a couple of years now and they have been cohabiting for about 5 months (they are both atheist by the way). They’ve decided to get married on the 2nd of July 2016. When I first heard this news I said to her “You and ____ must be getting on really well living together then?” to which she replied “No, not really” I was pretty shocked, I know what my mother is like, but this was pretty extreme. She has told me she doesn’t think she really loves him, but she’s lonely and she is also better off financially with him. I told her if that’s the case she ought not to be getting married but she said if I were older I would understand better… I’m 20 years old, I’m not the wisest but this I understand perfectly.

After a lot of conversation she assured me they were only “seeing how things go” but now together they have told me they’ve rented the hall for the reception and a place for lunch on the day and she’s getting the dress… Which doesn’t sound like “seeing how things go” to me.

They have also asked me to give a speech at the wedding. I came back during my university holidays to stay at my old home with them. I have since observed the most abominable manner in which she treats her fiance, she has no respect for him, she is constantly belittling him, mocking his intelligence and taking money from him when she earns more than he does. Even if I wanted to give a speech I have nothing good to say about their relationship that would be true, so I would have to lie to a room full of people about how they really deserve to be to together.

But also given the state of their relationship and her mistreatment of him I now feel obliged to not go to the wedding… The problem is I know she will react very aggressively towards me for this and the family who don’t know about everything that is going on will turn their backs on me too. I’ve tried to discuss this with a family member but they think not attending the wedding is too extreme…

I want to be sure that not going is the right thing to do before I commit to it. Does anyone else think I shouldn’t go?

Edit: I think I might also be being selfish in wanting to just go and accept it because her fiance is a very nice man, he takes care of her and he is nice to me and my sister and it’s nice to have someone at home who is treating my sister and me properly. It feels like even though my mother is there, there is a part of the family that has respect for us and it feels safer to live at home… But he doesn’t deserve to live with my mother and I know he is only putting up with her because he’s scared of being alone too…
 
One - I would go. Otherwise this will be a source of anger and discord that could last the lifetime of your relationship. I wouldn’t give her this as a “weapon” to hold over you.

Two - I would, in whatever manner seems best given your relationship, refuse to speak. Perhaps you could claim stage-fright? Or that you simply do not feel you are worthy of accepting “the honor”? Or that you haven’t been around them enough to properly speak at their wedding? Claim that you’re afraid you’d be too emotional to speak (no need to elaborate on exactly what emotion you’d be experiencing)?

I’d suggest talking this over with someone who better knows you and the situation but the above is how I would handle it.

Hugs & Prayers,
CJ
 
CradleJourney said:
One - I would go. Otherwise this will be a source of anger and discord that could last the lifetime of your relationship. I wouldn’t give her this as a “weapon” to hold over you.

Two - I would, in whatever manner seems best given your relationship, refuse to speak. Perhaps you could claim stage-fright? Or that you simply do not feel you are worthy of accepting “the honor”? Or that you haven’t been around them enough to properly speak at their wedding? Claim that you’re afraid you’d be too emotional to speak (no need to elaborate on exactly what emotion you’d be experiencing)?

I’d suggest talking this over with someone who better knows you and the situation but the above is how I would handle it.

Hugs & Prayers,
CJ
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You make a good point about going, but she definitely knows I don’t have stage fright, I have given speeches at other events, she has assured me that I’m worthy of speaking already and I’m definitely not the type to get emotional over this >.< Is there any other way I could get out of it?
 
Her fiance is not an alcoholic? Oh, my, this is a tough one.

There is no moral reason you cannot go to the wedding. They are free to marry and it is not necessary for you to stay home when you think a marriage will be a bad idea. Unless you have cut your mother out of your life, you go to her wedding if there is nothing barring it.

Were I you, however, I’d follow my instinct and refuse to give the speech. You may simply demur without reading her the riot act. Just keep repeating, “no, Mom, I’m sure you simply want to include me, that is a nice thought, but no. I will not be giving any speeches at your wedding reception or at the ceremony, or anywhere else. No speeches.” Period. Don’t give her reasons. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. The refusal to give reasons comes under the heading of “do not toss your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” By “swine,” I mean an alcoholic who is using. You can’t win with her until she stops using. (Just envision telling her the laundry list of *actual *reasons that no one in their right mind would give a nice speech for a bride that has treated them as she has treated you. Ouch. Don’t go there.)

She may threaten to leave you out of the wedding. Oh, well. Stick to your guns and assure her that you WILL NOT be giving any speeches, period, end of story. As for your willingness to go, consider it an act of solidarity with her poor husband-to-be. He is not ignorant of what he’s getting himself into. Let that dog sleep, because you’ll accomplish nothing but upsetting your mother by telling him all the reasons that continuing his relationship with your mother in her current state is an awful idea.
 
CradleJourney said:
One - I would go. Otherwise this will be a source of anger and discord that could last the lifetime of your relationship. I wouldn’t give her this as a “weapon” to hold over you.

Two - I would, in whatever manner seems best given your relationship, refuse to speak. Perhaps you could claim stage-fright? Or that you simply do not feel you are worthy of accepting “the honor”? Or that you haven’t been around them enough to properly speak at their wedding? Claim that you’re afraid you’d be too emotional to speak (no need to elaborate on exactly what emotion you’d be experiencing)?

I’d suggest talking this over with someone who better knows you and the situation but the above is how I would handle it.

Hugs & Prayers,
CJ
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Another problem is even if I did have a genuine excuse for not speaking my mother would still take personal offence that I didn’t… When she was supposed to take care of her father who has dementia she tried to pawn the job off to a family friend, who at last minute couldn’t do it because he got pneumonia and had to be hospitalized… She still hasn’t forgiven him and this was months ago.
 
EasterJoy said:
Her fiance is not an alcoholic? Oh, my, this is a tough one.

There is no moral reason you cannot go to the wedding. They are free to marry and it is not necessary for you to stay home when you think a marriage will be a bad idea. Unless you have cut your mother out of your life, you go to her wedding if there is nothing barring it.

Were I you, however, I’d follow my instinct and refuse to give the speech. You may simply demur without reading her the riot act. Just keep repeating, “no, Mom, I’m sure you simply want to include me, that is a nice thought, but no. I will not be giving any speeches at your wedding reception or at the ceremony, or anywhere else. No speeches.” Period. Don’t give her reasons. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. The refusal to give reasons comes under the heading of “do not toss your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” By “swine,” I mean an alcoholic who is using. You can’t win with her until she stops using. (Just envision telling her the laundry list of *actual *reasons that no one in their right mind would give a nice speech for a bride that has treated them as she has treated you. Ouch. Don’t go there.)

She may threaten to leave you out of the wedding. Oh, well. Stick to your guns and assure her that you WILL NOT be giving any speeches, period, end of story. As for your willingness to go, consider it an act of solidarity with her poor husband-to-be. He is not ignorant of what he’s getting himself into. Let that dog sleep, because you’ll accomplish nothing but upsetting your mother by telling him all the reasons that continuing his relationship with your mother in her current state is an awful idea.
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Oh I’m not planning on convincing him not to get married I know it’s his choice… I’m convinced now that I should go, I just hope I really can get out of giving the speech without causing any roughness
 
kevlarkyogre said:
Another problem is even if I did have a genuine excuse for not speaking my mother would still take personal offence that I didn’t… When she was supposed to take care of her father who has dementia she tried to pawn the job off to a family friend, who at last minute couldn’t do it because he got pneumonia and had to be hospitalized… She still hasn’t forgiven him and this was months ago.
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If you had a genuine excuse? Does she want you to get up and tell the truth about what you think about her and her reasons for marrying this fine man. *I Don’t Think So! * It is not a command performance when someone asks you to speak at their weddding. If they ask and you say, “no, I’d rather not,” that’s it. You don’t have to give excuses for not doing it. The bride and groom have to convince you, not the other way around! This is how normal people operate.

You are dealing with an alcoholic. You must not let her manipulate you into doing whatever she wants to do by holding the threat of taking “personal offense” if you don’t. If she holds a grudge, she holds a grudge, but the alternative is allowing an alcoholic manipulator to keep you on a leash. Do not do that.

Have you read Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More”? It talks a lot about avoiding the dramas that alcoholics and addicts use to manipulate others. Read up. Go to Al-Anon meetings if you have to. Do not betray yourself by giving in to your mom on the speech thing. You have to draw and maintain your own boundaries, or this pattern of manipulation is never going to end with her. We can assure you: reserving the right to decide when one will or will not agree to speak in public is a very minimal boundary. Do not let your mother try to intimidate you into believing otherwise.
 
kevlarkyogre said:
Oh I’m not planning on convincing him not to get married I know it’s his choice… I’m convinced now that I should go, I just hope I really can get out of giving the speech without causing any roughness
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If you aren’t willing to “cause any roughness” with an alcoholic who throw tantrums or holds grudges to get her way, she has you on a leash. She owns you. I know you want to negotiate your relationship with your mother with the least amount of drama possible. That is an excellent idea, and I’d encourage you to do that. The secret that alcoholics do not want you to catch on to is giving yourself no lines to say that an alcoholic can’t try to make into a drama is not the way to keep yourself out of an alcoholic’s dramas. It is a one-way ticket to staying in the middle of them.

It is time to draw that important line between decisions that belong to her and decisions that belong to you. She’s getting married. That is her decision and her fiance’s decision. You do not want to make any speeches at the wedding. That decision is yours. Hold onto it, and don’t let her pretend that it belongs to her. I would keep this whole conversation right on that footing: I don’t want to because I don’t want to and so I’m not going to. That is my prerogative, and the case is closed. Attempts at retaliation need to be made futile.

By the way, may I point out that “I don’t want to because I don’t want to and so I’m not going to” is the number one reason that adults give when they turn down offers to give speeches like that? A wise bride does not try to force something out of someone that cannot be forced. The speech she wants from you is in that category. Do not try to convince her of this. You only need to convince yourself. After that, just keep saying “no,” right up until the minute when you’re at the wedding and she tries to hand you the microphone. (Oh, and don’t think she won’t. Just rehearse smiling and shaking your head, “no, ain’t going to happen, Mom.” That little scene would not be a wedding faux pas on your part, but on hers.)
 
The speech I would give under the circumstances would simply be a toast for their future happiness.

“Please join with me in wishing my mother Jane and her husband John every good wish for their future happiness together. To Jane and John (raise glass).”

Everyone says “To Jane and John”, has a sip of their drink and applauds. You then sit down. That’s it, you spoke. 🙂
 
kevlarkyogre said:
Oh I’m not planning on convincing him not to get married I know it’s his choice… I’m convinced now that I should go, I just hope I really can get out of giving the speech without causing any roughness
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I’m glad you have reconsidered going; for the speech just make it best wishes for their future happiness and leave it at that. At the sound of things, this wedding may not happen after all; it is more than a year away and a lot can happen between now and then.
 
I agree with Isca.

Go to the wedding so you don’t have to deal with the consequences of not going. Concentrate on their future relationship - not your past relationship with your mother.

Try doing an internet search on “wedding toasts” or even “Wedding toasts when you don’t like…”. Read through others speeches for ideas. Keep it relatively short.

If you can pick out a time in your life when you and your mother got along - even for one event, then try to incorporate that into it. Something like this:

"Mom, do you remember the time you took us to a baseball game? We couldn’t have been more than six or seven. We kept yelling at our team to score a touchdown - and you kept trying to tell us that they don’t do that in baseball.

Well, sis and I may not know a lot about baseball, but we know a good guy when we see one. Mom, you found good one!".

and then do the wish for a happy life together.

You haven’t dwelt on anything bad. You haven’t been untruthful. You’ve been gracious, and, you’ve satisfied what your mother expected of you.
 
Isca said:
The speech I would give under the circumstances would simply be a toast for their future happiness.

“Please join with me in wishing my mother Jane and her husband John every good wish for their future happiness together. To Jane and John (raise glass).”

Everyone says “To Jane and John”, has a sip of their drink and applauds. You then sit down. That’s it, you spoke. 🙂
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That’s what I was thinking. 🙂 If you really feel like you have to do it, keep it short, sweet, and very general.
 
Catholic1954 said:
I’m glad you have reconsidered going; for the speech just make it best wishes for their future happiness and leave it at that. At the sound of things, this wedding may not happen after all; it is more than a year away and a lot can happen between now and then.
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The OP knows what her mother means by “make a speech.” Her mother has also given her an extraordinary number of reasons to ardently wish she could skip this wedding altogether. If it were not a choice between going and being on speaking terms with her mom or not going and being bad-mouthed behind her back to all the relatives, she’d be somewhere else on that day. She has said as much.

If she does not want to make the speech, she ought to just say, “no, I’m not going to be making a speech.” After being told that yes, she is, she says “You’re going to have to choose someone else, because I am *not *doing it.” Firmly, but without drama (which will take an extraordinary amount of patience, because her mom is going to try to provoke her to say something they can argue about): Repeat, repeat, repeat: “I am not doing it.” Make no additions to that and make no excuses for offering no excuses. The OP will step off of that little Island of the Simple Yet Emphatic No at her peril.

The Island of the Simple Yet Emphatic No is a good place for people associated with alcoholics and addicts to know about. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it, and you can’t cure it” precludes a relationship that includes reasoning, give and take, or rational discussions.It enforces a “you make your decisions and I will make mine” boundary system, because without that there will be drama, conflict, and upheaval, since only one side will be held to behaving in a way that is held to account of the satisfaction of the other side.

It cannot be emphasized too strongly that a relationship with an alcoholic is not a relationship based on shared values, trust, or give and take. It is based on a shared background and an agreement to leave each one to make their own decisions independently.
 
Isca said:
The speech I would give under the circumstances would simply be a toast for their future happiness.

“Please join with me in wishing my mother Jane and her husband John every good wish for their future happiness together. To Jane and John (raise glass).”

Everyone says “To Jane and John”, has a sip of their drink and applauds. You then sit down. That’s it, you spoke. 🙂
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Either this, or just “No, I’m not comfortable with giving a speech.” And just keep repeating it.
 
agnes_therese said:
Either this, or just “No, I’m not comfortable with giving a speech.” And just keep repeating it.
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In an ideal scenario, this approach should work, but—based on the OP’s description—I can see how it might only fuel the drama.

Certainly, the OP can decide to not give a speech and stick with it. But the OP will need to be able to live with the consequences. Maybe the OP wants to draw the line here and deal with whatever happens as a result. Maybe not.
 
Yes, go to the wedding and give a short speech wishing them well, pretty much what others have said. Perhaps this will make things easier on your sister in the sort future, too.
 
Ask your mom if she wants you to give a speech outlining all the reasons why you don’t think they should get married at all. Much like the “give a Jesus speech” theory…I think you’ll be off the hook. 😉
But srsly,
She can’t FORCE you to give a speech.
Go. Make nice. Get it over with. “A toast!” Throw a piece of toast in the air… big laughs to follow. You’re a hero. Go home.
:compcoff:
 
Your mother is a practicing alcoholic, her life is a train wreck. It will always be that way until she gets help. It is important to note she did not ask for this disease, but you don’t have to be a part of the train wreck if you don’t want to. I would most certainly take what your therapist has to say about it. Me, I would not go.

What does your al-anon group have to say about it? I know this is tough, I have lived with alcoholic relatives and dated alcoholics for most of my life. This has taken a toll on you, just as it has me. Do what is best for you, not anyone else, if that means going, go, not speaking don’t speak, just do what is best for you.
 
esieffe said:
…it is important to note she did not ask for this disease…
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Which I am sure you do not mean and which should not be taken to mean that anyone else is responsible for her choices. She may have lost most or perhaps even all of her capacity as a moral actor, having become enslaved to the effects of alcohol, but should not be taken to mean that she is a victim in every respect or that she alone “did not ask for” the consequences of her alcoholism. What small fraction she might be responsible for because of carelessness or whatever–we cannot know that. It may even be zero. What we do know is that her daughters are not responsible for her alcoholism or its consequences at all.

It is not necessary (and is usually forbidden) for any of us to judge how culpable someone is for their actions. We cannot know the degree to which anyone else is responsible for whatever it is that enslaves them, whether that is alcoholism or garden-variety concupiscence. All we need to (and can try to) judge is this: What do the person’s past actions indicate about his or her most likely future actions? What can the person be trusted to do? What is the person likely or unlikely to do? What are our own boundaries and what things are and are not within the boundaries of our duties?
 
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