It really wasn’t that I was dying for a beer. I’m 21 now and don’t really ever drink, even when I’m offered.
It was just the whole idea of “girlfriend having a beer with the guys in the other room” that really just made me uncomfortable. I thought it was inappropriate. Apparently that is not the case, which is fine, I just wanted to know whether it was something I should worry about, and I figured it wasn’t, so I wanted people to reaffirm that it isn’t something to worry about, which is what is happening. No I did not come here for a pat on the back, I did legitimately want to hear what other people thought about it, thank you.
I still think that it was a bit inconsiderate of my feelings, and if the roles were reversed, she would have been upset too. And yeah, y’all are probably right, jealousy does play into it. But honestly, I’m not controlling and don’t freak out every time she talks to another guy or anything like that. In this situation, is jealousy not at least mildly acceptable?
It’s true that she apologized but she didn’t think she did anything wrong. But she didn’t apologize for doing something wrong, she apologized for doing something that hurt my feelings. And it’s awesome of her to do so. And so of course I won’t dwell on it anymore.
Jealousy is not something you can “decide”. You feel what you feel, and you decide what to do with your feelings. You can decide to look at other people in a different light or to distract yourself with other thoughts, but that sometimes doesn’t happen. Don’t punish yourself for your emotions, whatever the case. See your emotions as something you cope with, something you subordinate to your will in terms of how you act and what you’re going to allow, but not in terms of whether or not you will feel them.
If she told me she was going to study with me and then blew me off to socialize without asking if it was OK, that was not cool. If she said “I’ll help you if you want” and you only wanted her there when you saw she’d be doing something fun without you if she weren’t, well, that’s not quite fair of you, is it?
If she has a social gathering in a house and doesn’t arrange in advance for privacy when not everyone at the house is going to be welcome, that isn’t cool. (For instance, if you’re going to have some meeting at your house where your spouse is expected to wave “hi” and then make himself/herself scarce, then unless someone has asked for your private ear for serious reasons, that requires prior clearance or a serious and unforeseeable need for privacy, like a friend or family member in crisis who just dropped in on you.)
If she knows that it drives you nuts to be around people who are enjoying something you can’t have, it is not cool for her to spring that on you, especially in a place and at a time where you really aren’t free to go elsewhere. Still, it is more mature to give others the freedom to enjoy legitimate pleasures that aren’t available to you. Not everyone should be expected to refrain from eating bread just because you’ve been put on a gluten-free diet, for instance, and not everyone ought to go to bed early just because you have to get to work at dawn the next day.
Generally speaking, the spouse or maybe-spouse-to-be is always included in mixed-gender social gatherings, or at least invited. Opinions vary wildly about whether or not it is to be expected that such a gathering will or won’t bother one’s spouse. Although there are mixed-gender social situations that wise married people stay out of–
never presume that you can’t possibly develop sexual feelings for someone who seemed in the past to be more like a sibling or become the object of romantic affection for them!–there isn’t really a single right answer, I’d advocate avoiding marriage to someone who has wildly different views than you do.
