should I believe my husband? (sensitive post)

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Pinkyyy said:
No problem, whatevergirl. Thank you for your response and everyone else’s too. Yes, I don’t have a real problem with his dancing with other women because I know they are just dancing - these are older women twice his age and he wouldn’t really go for them - that I know at least.

I just wanted to respond and say I’ll take more time to reread everyones posts later and respond more one on one. Unfortunately right now is my time to get off work so I won’t probably be able to write tonight. Thank you everyone.
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Dancing, especially the Latin dances such as salsa are a very sexual thing, you should have a problem with it imo, there are plenty of exercises that don’t involve holding another women against your body and wriggling about which he could do instead.
 
Leonius said:
Dancing, especially the Latin dances such as salsa are a very sexual thing, you should have a problem with it imo, there are plenty of exercises that don’t involve holding another women against your body and wriggling about which he could do instead.
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So should professional dancers stop dancing when they get married?
 
I didn’t get the impression you are “mothering” him by anything you said. :confused: That poster was sure defending bad behavior by blaming you, and that is just immaturity. Maturity means owning our choices. I think you are actually tolerating too much.

I do think it is very possible he is lying. If he likes to go “salsa dancing” for his “health” why isn’t he taking his wife to learn together with a teacher? There are lots of things you can do for your “health” that don’t happen an hour away until 2am. 🤷 Sounds like a pretty lame-o excuse to me.

I am sorry he blames you for his behavior (you are fat and ugly so you make him go to strip clubs) and on top of that is being verbally abusive. That must really hurt you and I am sorry your own husband who should be your friend is being so mean and putting you down.:mad:

This is very troubling. Please start seeking counsel and support for yourself, and start learning new ways to handle this. You cannot control him, but you can put limits on how his hurtful behavior effects you and dole out consequences.
 
Imryl said:
This seemingly rampant distrust of one’s spouse is fairly disturbing to me. (From other posters on this thread, not the original poster.)
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I would love if you would start a new thread about this topic. I would think that distrust for your spouse could cause major problems in a marriage.

I would love to hear from those who don’t trust and why. Have their spouses given them reason not to trust them? Is it their nature not to trust the opposite sex? Have they been hurt before?
And for those who recognize that they are not trusting and have no real reason to do so, how did they handle it? How did they get past it?
 
(((((Pinkyyy))))))…the bottom line is he lied to you and has shaken your trust-AND- HE put you in the position of being his “mother”-picking him up after playing with his friends…I would suggest that you get a treadmill and not be so naive about age of the women being a deterrent to immoral behavior or attraction-if they are dancing the salsa on a regular basis with seemingly “single” men-they are probably single and looking for love too or dissatisfied in their marriages…dancing should be something to do with your life partner together and with friends who are couples-unless you are single…alot of affairs start on the dance floor-at the very least he can’t be trusted to do what he says he is doing-if none of his friends were around to drive him home- you can probably bet none of his friends were there…he didn’t even call a friend to come and get him to spare you-he called you to rub your nose in it-knowing full well how you would react and that you had to go to work-he did it on purpose to you- that’s not love…it’s disrespect and abuse…he’s punishing you and trying to make you feel insecure…doctors don’t tell their patients to go out dancing without their wives-and the heavy breathing at nudie clubs and one-armed “curls” drinking-don’t count as exercise… you need a counselor to see if you can get your marriage back on track- and if it’s always been like this- you need to decide if you can live with this abuse…it won’t get better by itself-it’ll only get better until the next time …my prayers are with you (((honey))) God Bless
 
Pinky, after reading JC’s post here, I have to somewhat agree. This is a character flaw in your husband…while your marriage might use the help of counseling, your husband has to come to grips with his respect of you and the marriage…not just the strip club incident, but just his general lack of respect of and for you. Calling you to pick him up in inclement weather…you have to get up in the morning, he calls you names…etc…these are character flaws, and until he admits that, and tries to correct it, the behavior will continue, I’m afraid.

The good news in all of this is that Christ came to save us sinners…we all have flaws in a variety of areas! This is your dh’s issues…and I think there is no better time to try to conquer our flaws, than to surrender them at Lent, to Christ. Maybe ask your husband to pray with you at night…start exercising WITH him, at your suggestion. If he wants to salsa, and you’re fine with that, that is up to you–but you both could go for walks together, hold hands…be an inspiration to each other. I really believe that things like this can be tests from God, but your husband can’t blame you for his actions. He has to realize that the way he treats you needs to change. God bless, and hopefully, this Lent will help your husband and you to grow together…and get past this.:o :hug1:
 
Well, he HAS lied to you before, and blatently lied again. I can see that it would be difficult to believe him. It seems he can’t stand up to his friends for what is right, which makes him seem a bit immature and weak.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of respectful communication going on in your marriage right now. I would suggest that you both consider Retrouvaille, in order to break those negative communication patterns.

As for dancing for exercise, yet drinking and smoking while doing it…well, that isn’t really what his doctor recommended, is it? Why not some other less tempting sort of exercise, like jogging or the like? When a married man goes to a night club for some dancing, he is really opening himself up to trouble. He should be dancing with his wife, not some strange women looking for a night of fun. Why not go together…that could be a healthy way for you two to re-connect.
 
thank you everyone for your great comments. They have given me a lot to think about. See, my husband joined a group that teaches salsa and he was in a show with this group. He has a health condition and he dropped 30 pounds and improved his health a lot. Well, they also started going out at nights to the salsa clubs that are open on the weekend and that’s where that started. So, yes, the drinking and smoking are not benneficial to his health, and he works out also (not dancing) as well, but he stopped the dancing (busy with life) and gained the weight back and his problems got worse again - I pushed him to make time and go back dancing.

Now, he says that when he’s mad he just says things and that those were the only two times he attempted to go to a strip club and that he’s not been any other time - that when he’s mad he just says that.

the first time, as I said he was actually inside and I caught him there. But he said he was going to leave the bar anyway and tell me but I caught him. I felt like God was literally pushing me inside that bar that night. I don’t know if he would have left or if it was just something he was telling me. I had so much trust issues after that with him but worked it though. I mean at first it was so bad that if he wasn’t home by a certain time without letting me know, I would be out searching for him. But, it got better and even when he goes out after that I trusted him.

As for the other night, he and his friends were dancing at a salsa club and he says they asked him to go to the strip club and that he said he didn’t want to go - that when he’s tried before that time something interferes with him going. They said well then you just take us and you don’t have to go in - just drop us there. Then he says okay and takes them there and then apparently he notices he can’t find his key after driving them there (shut them in the car and locked it accidentally) and he says (again, this is what he says, but who knows) that by that time the strip club closes and he calls a cab for his friends. But he also said on the phone that he couldn’t find them in the bar either. Slip of the tongue/admittance he was inside or just a coverup so that I wouldn’t think it was a strip club?

Then he calls me and asks me to come get him not telling me this is a strip club (and there isn’t anything really identifying it as a strip club, but really my intuition is really tuned into when something is not right and I figured something was going on here thats why I looked it up). He says his friends were too chicken to face me and ran off not wanting to be there when I arrived.

Now my husband says he believes God looks out for me and helps me know when something is not right to keep him in line. I said, that’s a nice view but you are responsible for not going in there and whether you went in or not (who knows) you shouldn’t have anything to do with it in the first place because now you’re caught and you’ve brought back all those old paranoid feelings I have. he says he’s going to stop dancing and going out for lent - I said I don’t think you’ll really be going back there to that city for a while, or at all. I may be sounding like a mother again here, but obviously he’s not doing right. If he goes again there, how am I supposed to believe he’s just dancing at a salsa bar???
 
If a man is going out dancing, his wife should be going out with him. EVEN if she does not dance, but, sits at the table and watches.
 
Hi Pinky;

Sorry you’re dealing with all this.

Just some observations:
  1. I don’t think you are mothering, rather I think you are just reacting to a ‘man baby,’ and his immature ways. Unfortunately, I think you married a man-child, someone who is a man on the outside, but doesn’t act like a man when making decisions. He is not a teen anymore…his reactions are that of a teen, and what a teen would say to his mom.:o
  2. Your dh needs a new set of friends who won’t coax him to doing immoral things.
  3. You need to step back, and allow things to unfold. Yes, as spouses we are to help our spouses to heaven, but I see this as he is only changing his behavior, because you are intervening. He needs to learn to change, on his own. I would highly recommend getting into some good counseling, and maybe going through Retrouvaille–I heard it’s great.
  4. Do more together things, as that will naturally make your marriage grow.
Keep praying…as will I. I hope your dh changes his behavior, and realizes that he has hurt you.
 
Hi. I actually have gone before and that’s why I’ve always been okay with it. I knew those people and I’ve gone. it’s just not my thing really, especially out late when I have a child at home to take care of. You know? Thanks 🙂
 
Pinkyyy said:
Hi. I actually have gone before and that’s why I’ve always been okay with it. I knew those people and I’ve gone. it’s just not my thing really, especially out late when I have a child at home to take care of. You know? Thanks 🙂
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a nude bar or salsa dancing? lol I’m confused. 😛
 
whatevergirl said:
Hi Pinky;

Sorry you’re dealing with all this.

Just some observations:
  1. I don’t think you are mothering, rather I think you are just reacting to a ‘man baby,’ and his immature ways. Unfortunately, I think you married a man-child, someone who is a man on the outside, but doesn’t act like a man when making decisions. He is not a teen anymore…his reactions are that of a teen, and what a teen would say to his mom.:o
  2. Your dh needs a new set of friends who won’t coax him to doing immoral things.
  3. You need to step back, and allow things to unfold. Yes, as spouses we are to help our spouses to heaven, but I see this as he is only changing his behavior, because you are intervening. He needs to learn to change, on his own. I would highly recommend getting into some good counseling, and maybe going through Retrouvaille–I heard it’s great.
  4. Do more together things, as that will naturally make your marriage grow.
Keep praying…as will I. I hope your dh changes his behavior, and realizes that he has hurt you.
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I have to say you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly his behavior. middle aged guy thinks he’s still 20. Exactly.

As for the friends, you are right. I said to him last night, I couldn’t trust you with those one set of friends the first time and now these friends I thought were decent have done the same thing. Who can I trust you to spend time with?

I have heard that is a great program. At the least this is something for me to bring up and use this as an example that something needs to be done.

He actually took last night off of work and we spent it together - which is very hard for us to do lately with our schedules. It was nice. Thanks for everything.
 
whatevergirl said:
a nude bar or salsa dancing? lol I’m confused. 😛
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salsa dancing, lol. I was responding to someone who said that I should go and watch when he goes dancing. The only time I’ve been inside a strip club was when I went in to get him out :eek: !
 
Bottom line here- your husband’s circle of friends don’t sound like worthwhile people. His propensity to blame them indicates he is immature (I agree with the “man baby” thing) and feels he is not responsible for himself. How does that make YOU feel? That would make me feel a lack of confidence in his judgement and that will kill a marriage.

This is your husband and the father of your kids. His lack of moral leadership and self responsibility are causing problems in his home life. You can go salsa dancing with him at decent hours that work for both of you. There are lots of excuses here that don’t hold water.

Going out sometimes isn’t a big deal. If these “friends” seem to have a history of poor behavior, he should plan ahead and drive seperately if he seems so resistant to finding some better influences. Just really sounds ridiculous to me.
 
Pinkyyy said:
salsa dancing, lol. The only time I’ve been inside a strip club was when I went in to get him out :eek: !
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I just had to ask, I’m sorry! I thought you meant salsa dancing, but wasn’t sure…hahahaha 😃

I’m so glad you spent time together last night. He could be having a midlife crisis. I hate that cliche term, but they happen…and really, we all go through moments in our lives, when we wonder if there is more to see…do…experience…bla bla bla…Not explaining away his behavior, but that could be what he is trying to do…relive a time that HAS PAST. If he missed something in his 20s that he wishes to relive now, oh well…he’s married.

Being married is a real gift, and I think that if you both look at each other, as God sees you both through His eyes, you will fall in love all over again. I believe that. I hope things get better, he dumps his ‘friends,’ and he starts becoming the man God wants him to be…God bless.
 
Pinky–I highly recommend the Love Dare book, my sister bought it for me and my dh for Valentine’s Day this year, and we really like it…Each day, you are given an assignment…and it sounds hokey, but it really gives you both something special to do…for each other. Maybe one day is…don’t say anything negative, all day. The next day…do a random act of kindness for your spouse…and so on…it’s really cool, I think.
 
whatevergirl said:
I just had to ask, I’m sorry! I thought you meant salsa dancing, but wasn’t sure…hahahaha 😃

I’m so glad you spent time together last night. He could be having a midlife crisis. I hate that cliche term, but they happen…and really, we all go through moments in our lives, when we wonder if there is more to see…do…experience…bla bla bla…Not explaining away his behavior, but that could be what he is trying to do…relive a time that HAS PAST. If he missed something in his 20s that he wishes to relive now, oh well…he’s married.

Being married is a real gift, and I think that if you both look at each other, as God sees you both through His eyes, you will fall in love all over again. I believe that. I hope things get better, he dumps his ‘friends,’ and he starts becoming the man God wants him to be…God bless.
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😊
I can see where it sounds the other way though, lol. I think he’s having a hard time letting go of the fun times when he was a little younger. I have said to him it’s time to grow up. Thanks again for writing.
 
whatevergirl said:
Pinky–I highly recommend the Love Dare book, my sister bought it for me and my dh for Valentine’s Day this year, and we really like it…Each day, you are given an assignment…and it sounds hokey, but it really gives you both something special to do…for each other. Maybe one day is…don’t say anything negative, all day. The next day…do a random act of kindness for your spouse…and so on…it’s really cool, I think.
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thanks, I will definately check that out!
 
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