should I believe my husband? (sensitive post)

[Pinkyyy]

last night I get a call from my husband who likes to go salsa dancing (exercise recommended by his dr). He goes to a salsa bar an hour away. He calls at 1:30 to say his keys were locked in his car. I drive an hour to pick him up and he says I am so great and he loves me, so on and so on. I drive him to get his car. We leave and drive another hour. Well, I have to be to work by 6, so as soon as we get home I get an hours sleep and head out to work. I try to look up the salsa bar online that his car was at and I find out it’s a “totally nude enteratainment bar.”

I just called him screaming at him. I say it’s lent and he’s smoking and drinking and breaking all these things he’s supposed to go and now he does to a NUDE bar!!! I mean, I am not perfect in lent either, I did have a cigarette and a beer the other night but only one and I have not touched one since. And guess what, I never went to a TOTALLY NUDE BAR or keep smoking or have another drink!!!

He says his friends asked him to take them and that he was going to go in but didn’t. But he locked his keys in the car. I’d say that’s karma. Thing is when he’s mad he’ll tell me he’s gone to strip bars because i am fat and ugly. I have also caught him in a nude bar about 5 or 6 years ago on his birthday with his friends and he said he didn’t know it was one, that his friends made him go and he wanted to leave it after 5 minutes but I saw his car and caught him dragging him out of there like I’m his mother or something.

He says he didn’t go in. He says he’ll swear to it infront of a priest, but I don’t know anymore. He says he’ll take me to the salsa bar that he goes to and they’ll tell me he was there last night. He says he didn’t tell me what kind of a bar it was because he knew I would freak and that we’ll talk about it after he gets some sleep (yeah, I drove all night in bad weather to get him and then went to work but he’s tired). Also, some great friends you have if they just abandon you in the parking lot in the cold when you’re keys are locked in the car. I told him if they told you they wanted to have him drive them to get some heroine they culd shoot up, he’d take them too?!?!!!?!?!!?!?!

If I was there, I think I would have slapped him

I’ll also mention both times I kinow of he’s been there, I have felt like God was pushing me to find out something and find out what these bars were or in the case of the first time I caught him, that I should go in because he was in there.

 

[Eucharisted]

I suggest counseling with a priest. And prayer and sacrifice for your husband’s conversion.

I also suggest patience in the face of abuse and distrust. Please think of God. In the Old Testament, God was married to Israel. Every time Isael turned to false gods, He accused Israel of adultery. But He never struck Israel. He was always merciful.

Than, in the New Testament, we find Jesus nailed to the Cross. He had to bear the Passion - unbearable suffering and agonizing death - for us sinners, and we were His executioners. By our sins, we have nailed Him to the Cross, and that is why every time we sin, we nail Him to the Cross anew.

But we can console Him in Passion by works of mercy, two of which are bearing our crosses patiently and forgiving our offenders. Jesus is giving you a share in His Passion, for the purpose of purifying your soul and your husband’s soul. Your husband might even be bearing a cross of his own.

Jesus forgive you when He prayed for His executioners, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Imitate Him, in regards to your husband.

Ultimately, if we share in Jesus’ suffering, we will also share in His glory: meaning, the joy and peace Jesus will give us after our crosses will be so great and sweet that our crosses will seem like nothing afterwords. And you must keep that in mind when bearing your cross patiently for Jesus, and praying and making sacrifices for your husband’s soul, and forgiving him for his offenses. Be merciful, just as your Father in Heaven is merciful. Rely on God’s grace, for His grace is enough for you; He has enough omnipotence to support you during your difficult times.

 

[TLM08]

last night I get a call from my husband who likes to go salsa dancing (exercise recommended by his dr). He goes to a salsa bar an hour away. He calls at 1:30 to say his keys were locked in his car. I drive an hour to pick him up and he says I am so great and he loves me, so on and so on. I drive him to get his car. We leave and drive another hour. Well, I have to be to work by 6, so as soon as we get home I get an hours sleep and head out to work. I try to look up the salsa bar online that his car was at and I find out it’s a “totally nude enteratainment bar.”

I just called him screaming at him. I say it’s lent and he’s smoking and drinking and breaking all these things he’s supposed to go and now he does to a NUDE bar!!! I mean, I am not perfect in lent either, I did have a cigarette and a beer the other night but only one and I have not touched one since. And guess what, I never went to a TOTALLY NUDE BAR or keep smoking or have another drink!!!

He says his friends asked him to take them and that he was going to go in but didn’t. But he locked his keys in the car. I’d say that’s karma. Thing is when he’s mad he’ll tell me he’s gone to strip bars because i am fat and ugly. I have also caught him in a nude bar about 5 or 6 years ago on his birthday with his friends and he said he didn’t know it was one, that his friends made him go and he wanted to leave it after 5 minutes but I saw his car and caught him dragging him out of there like I’m his mother or something.

He says he didn’t go in. He says he’ll swear to it infront of a priest, but I don’t know anymore. He says he’ll take me to the salsa bar that he goes to and they’ll tell me he was there last night. He says he didn’t tell me what kind of a bar it was because he knew I would freak and that we’ll talk about it after he gets some sleep (yeah, I drove all night in bad weather to get him and then went to work but he’s tired). Also, some great friends you have if they just abandon you in the parking lot in the cold when you’re keys are locked in the car. I told him if they told you they wanted to have him drive them to get some heroine they culd shoot up, he’d take them too?!?!!!?!?!!?!?!

If I was there, I think I would have slapped him

I’ll also mention both times I kinow of he’s been there, I have felt like God was pushing me to find out something and find out what these bars were or in the case of the first time I caught him, that I should go in because he was in there.

You are not his mother. If you keep treating him that way, he will continue in his dishonesty. Fat wives are not the reason men going to nudie bars anyway. Stop “mothering” this guy and talk to him like you did before you started mistreating each other. He’s probably trying to get away from “mommy” so he goes to the bar. Nudie bars… porn… affairs… most of the time, they are nothing more than escapes.

Try giving him a reason to stay home! He probably misses his wife (you) terribly. What was it about you that drew him toward you in the first place? It’s likely that there’s a great husband in there somewhere that just wants his wife back!

By the tone of this post, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around. If you want things to get better, you both need to look inward and fix your own problems. The marriage will improve as soon as even one of you starts this process.

 

[Trishie]

I think your marriage is in trouble, and to go to nude bars isn’t appropriate behaviour for a husband, or for a Christian man. If you can both go to counselling it might help to provide an honest basis for some kind of healing for you both.

 

[Pinkyyy]

You are not his mother. If you keep treating him that way, he will continue in his dishonesty. Fat wives are not the reason men going to nudie bars anyway. Stop “mothering” this guy and talk to him like you did before you started mistreating each other. He’s probably trying to get away from “mommy” so he goes to the bar. Nudie bars… porn… affairs… most of the time, they are nothing more than escapes.

Try giving him a reason to stay home! He probably misses his wife (you) terribly. What was it about you that drew him toward you in the first place? It’s likely that there’s a great husband in there somewhere that just wants his wife back!

By the tone of this post, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around. If you want things to get better, you both need to look inward and fix your own problems. The marriage will improve as soon as even one of you starts this process.

No offense to your guys post because I am taking them seriously, but I think maybe you are men (guessing here). I do not mother him. He treats me horribly and sneaks around my back to nude bars. Should I have walked in and given him 20 in 1’s instead of making him leave? It took me two YEARS to even think about trusting him again after the first time with the help of our priest, IF I let it go this time as well, if there is a third time you better bet I’ll walk out with our child from this marriage.

He went to a nude bar, made me get him in bad weather and then tried to make me do my wifely duty while hiding from me where and what he was doing.

I dont’ see how I “mother him” except telling my supposedly catholic husband that he wasn’t allowed to pay naked women to dance for him and rub themselves on him. Silly me. And I want to mention this was not a topless bar - this was a FULLY 100% nude bar. top and bottom, front and back - no matter how you slice it not one spec of clothes on these “women”

In fact, he is always mistreating me it’s quite the opposite - I have about zero say in anything relating to our house, marriage, work, you name it. If anyone is a parent, it’s him.

 

[Pinkyyy]

I think your marriage is in trouble, and to go to nude bars isn’t appropriate behaviour for a husband, or for a Christian man. If you can both go to counselling it might help to provide an honest basis for some kind of healing for you both.

thanks trishie, I have tried and tried to get him to go with me. Maybe this is some opening to get him to do that.

 

[Trishie]

Pinkky don’t let the guys upset you. They were reacting to your outrage. I couldn’t bear a dishonest or aberrant husband, fortunately for me, mine is honest in the extreme, and has a well-grounded morality…I’ve always been grateful. I’m sure I would have been less than calm if my husband behaved with dishonesty and without Christian morals.

My prayer for you both that you can both have help and clarity to address the problems in your marriage.

God bless you.

 

[Pinkyyy]

Pinkky don’t let the guys upset you. They were reacting to your outrage. I couldn’t bear a dishonest or aberrant husband, fortunately for me, mine is honest in the extreme, and has a well-grounded morality…I’ve always been grateful. I’m sure I would have been less than calm if my husband behaved with dishonesty and without Christian morals.

My prayer for you both that you can both have help and clarity to address the problems in your marriage.

God bless you.

thank you very much

 

[TLM08]

No offense to your guys post because I am taking them seriously, but I think maybe you are men (guessing here). I do not mother him. He treats me horribly and sneaks around my back to nude bars. Should I have walked in and given him 20 in 1’s instead of making him leave? It took me two YEARS to even think about trusting him again after the first time with the help of our priest, IF I let it go this time as well, if there is a third time you better bet I’ll walk out with our child from this marriage.

He went to a nude bar, made me get him in bad weather and then tried to make me do my wifely duty while hiding from me where and what he was doing.

I dont’ see how I “mother him” except telling my supposedly catholic husband that he wasn’t allowed to pay naked women to dance for him and rub themselves on him. Silly me. And I want to mention this was not a topless bar - this was a FULLY 100% nude bar. top and bottom, front and back - no matter how you slice it not one spec of clothes on these “women”

In fact, he is always mistreating me it’s quite the opposite - I have about zero say in anything relating to our house, marriage, work, you name it. If anyone is a parent, it’s him.

No married man has any business going to a bar like that. Lap dances are totally out of bounds for a married man. Truthfully, they are borderline prostitution in my opinion.

The mere fact that you are “checking” on him is a certain sign that your marriage needs outside help. Print off my previous post and show it to him. See if he agrees.

Either you two want to be married …or you don’t.

 

[Imryl]

You are not his mother. If you keep treating him that way, he will continue in his dishonesty.

News flash. Two wrongs do not make a right. Even if she was “mothering” him it does not give him the right to be dishonest.

Stop “mothering” this guy and talk to him like you did before you started mistreating each other. He’s probably trying to get away from “mommy” so he goes to the bar. Nudie bars… porn… affairs… most of the time, they are nothing more than escapes.

Escape? How about selfish acts. Children feel the need to “escape” the consequences of their actions. Men own up to it and try better the next time. Better to be an example then perpetuate a bad cycle.

Try giving him a reason to stay home!

He has one. He’s a married man.

By the tone of this post, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around.

She has a right to be angry, frustrated, and looking for advice. Although your comment is probably right, that there is likekly plenty of blame to go around, the tone of **your **post makes it sound like he has every right to go to a topless bar and that he’s justified because his wife is “mothering” him.

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, just making a point.

 

[TLM08]

Yes, I am a guy… and perhaps your husband is simply nothing but a jerk. I don’t know him. But you are still “mothering” him. Both problems need to be stopped if you are going to have a better marriage.
Prayers coming your way!

 

[TLM08]

Imryl:
I am not justifying his actions in the least. Also, “being married” is not enough to keep anyone home at night. Being a husband… or being a wife is what keeps the spouse home.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Okay, guys, here’s a question a mother would never have to ask a “son.”

I would look him in the eye and ask, “If I went to get an STD check, would they find that you have given me anything? Is there the possibility you have contracted anything wherever you go when you are lying about your whereabouts?”

Look for a momentary look of fear or doubt to cross his face at the possibility. You’ll know if you have reason to worry.

That enough for you guys? Moms don’t have to worry about that.

A liar is a liar is a liar.

And he seems to have one set of rules for you and one for himself. Would he appreciate you going to a girlie bar with Chippendale dancers?

I feel bad for you and I don’t think your outrage is out of line. He needs a new set of friends at the very least. Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

 

[TLM08]

Should I have walked in and given him 20 in 1’s instead of making him leave?

I am not quite sure what 20 in 1s are… but it kinda sounds like fun.


ps:
I think my wife would have allowed me to walk home the twenty miles if she found out that I was at a nudie bar getting lap dances.

 

[Simon_X]

A Spouse does have every right to expect her husband (and we men, our wives) to be able to be trusted to go out at night without having to worry about where they are and what they are doing.

That being said, I do believe Pinky is correct in her outrage and anger at what her husband did. No decent man, Christian or other, has any business in being at a Strip club (nude or not). He is showing a great disrespect for his wife and marriage. He can tell his frineds no and not go. Pinky is not acting like a mother, but as an outraged wife.

Prayers for you and your husband Pinky…

 

[Simon_X]

I am not quite sure what 20 in 1s are… but it kinda sounds like fun.


ps:
I think my wife would have allowed me to walk home the twenty miles if she found out that I was at a nudie bar getting lap dances.

Guys give dancers a $1 bill as a tip when they are doing things in front of them…

 

[Eggnotz]

Pinkky don’t let the guys upset you.

I’m a guy. I am a red-blooded American guy who has been married 30 years. There is no one in the universe that has more of a healthy appreciation for the opposite sex than me. Strip clubs are stupid. They cause you to sin and they disrespect your wife.

If one is on a diet, why would they go into a bakery with all its sights and smells knowing that they cannot eat anything? Why would a married, Christian man go to a strip club and get all “amped up” with no place to go? It is the height of self-defeat.

Besides the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, the most precious gift a man can receive in this world is when a woman gives her love and commits her mind and body to him in marriage for life. My wife is wonderful beyond words. For me to go to a strip club would be like throwing oil on the Mona Lisa. Why would a man do that? (Actually, I know why and it’s sad.)

 

[Lerin]

Besides the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, the most precious gift a man can receive in this world is when a woman gives her love and commits her mind and body to him in marriage for life. My wife is wonderful beyond words. For me to go to a strip club would be like throwing oil on the Mona Lisa. Why would a man do that? (Actually, I know why and it’s sad.)

Thank you for writing this.

Pinky, I am praying for you!!!

 

[Imryl]

Imryl:
I am not justifying his actions in the least. Also, “being married” is not enough to keep anyone home at night. Being a husband… or being a wife is what keeps the spouse home.

My husband does not need to entertain me to keep me home. Nor do I have to entertain my husband. We have plenty of things to do around the house to keep us busy.

Quite frankly, I don’t know what you mean when you say *being *a wife, or *being *a husband, is what keeps the other spouse home. They **are **your wife, or husband, regardless of whether or not you approve of their behavior.

 

[Lerin]

My husband does not need to entertain me to keep me home. Nor do I have to entertain my husband. We have plenty of things to do around the house to keep us busy.

Quite frankly, I don’t know what you mean when you say *being *a wife, or *being *a husband, is what keeps the other spouse home. They **are **your wife, or husband, regardless of whether or not you approve of their behavior.

Exactly. Our exchange of vows in the Sacrament of Marriage is what keeps us “home” with one another, and this has nothing to do with how exciting life is at home. It is sad to read that some feel this way.

Being a WIFE*** is ***what keeps me home. Not based on anything my husband does or doesn’t do, my commitment remains. (Though he is truly wonderful!) As it should be.