should I believe my husband? (sensitive post)

[graceandglory]

last night I get a call from my husband who likes to go salsa dancing (exercise recommended by his dr). He goes to a salsa bar an hour away. He calls at 1:30 to say his keys were locked in his car. .

I don’t need to read any farther to find a problem here.
You are home and your husband is out drinking and dancing…
And this is routine???

Salsa is a partner dance.

Why aren’t you his dancing partner???

You don’t have a problem with him going out dancing with other women, but you do have a problem with him going to a strip club?

Honestly, I see the dancing dates as more of a problem than looking at naked strangers.

 

[Imryl]

I don’t need to read any farther to find a problem here.
You are home and your husband is out drinking and dancing…
And this is routine???

Salsa is a partner dance.

Why aren’t you his dancing partner???

You don’t have a problem with him going out dancing with other women, but you do have a problem with him going to a strip club?

Honestly, I see the dancing dates as more of a problem than looking at naked strangers.

If my husband wanted to go out ‘salsa dancing’ at 1:30am he would have to find someone else to go with him as far as I’m concerned! I go to bed at 10pm… lol.

Salsa isn’t exactly a raunchy/grinding dance. Salsa, Country, Ballroom, etc etc, happen to be pretty popular. If my husband danced with another woman, I don’t think I would be crying foul. Not unless he lied about going out with someone and ended up dancing with them (which is an entirely **different **problem). But if he was out with a group of friends, yes I allow my husband to have female friends, I wouldn’t think twice.

Dancing is not in the same league as going to a topless bar.

I’m sorry.

 

[Island_Oak]

I’m a guy. I am a red-blooded American guy who has been married 30 years. There is no one in the universe that has more of a healthy appreciation for the opposite sex than me. Strip clubs are stupid. They cause you to sin and they disrespect your wife.

If one is on a diet, why would they go into a bakery with all its sights and smells knowing that they cannot eat anything? Why would a married, Christian man go to a strip club and get all “amped up” with no place to go? It is the height of self-defeat.

Besides the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, the most precious gift a man can receive in this world is when a woman gives her love and commits her mind and body to him in marriage for life. My wife is wonderful beyond words. For me to go to a strip club would be like throwing oil on the Mona Lisa. Why would a man do that? (Actually, I know why and it’s sad.)

Time to trust your gut, Pinky. There is something very fishy going on. I’m sure IF the Dr. recommended exercise, it did not include staying out into the wee hours, smoking and drinking! There are plenty of options other than dancing in clothing-optional clubs.

Marriage is a gift, but it can also be a huge struggle and challenge at times as anyone who has been in one for many years knows. The worst crime in the world is not falling or failing in maintaining fidelity to your spouse, but being oblivious to the problems and refusing to own up to them and find a remedy.

You both need to think seriously if this a marriage that can be repaired and if you have the commitment, intent and will to save it. If so, counseling will be necessary to dispel tha anger and distrust and move on to more productive communication. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, but it’s time to make some big decisions.

 

[whatevergirl]

You are not his mother. If you keep treating him that way, he will continue in his dishonesty. Fat wives are not the reason men going to nudie bars anyway. Stop “mothering” this guy and talk to him like you did before you started mistreating each other. He’s probably trying to get away from “mommy” so he goes to the bar. Nudie bars… porn… affairs… most of the time, they are nothing more than escapes.

Try giving him a reason to stay home! He probably misses his wife (you) terribly. What was it about you that drew him toward you in the first place? It’s likely that there’s a great husband in there somewhere that just wants his wife back!

By the tone of this post, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around. If you want things to get better, you both need to look inward and fix your own problems. The marriage will improve as soon as even one of you starts this process.

TLM, You have a bit of a knack, perhaps non intentional, to blame women when men stray for whatever their reasons…to whatever their vices. His wife shouldn’t need to give her husband a reason not to go out to nude clubs…he should love his wife the way Christ loved the Church. And we don’t know if the OP has a weight problem or not, her husband might just be saying that to her out of meanness. Not knowing their situation, who knows, but please be careful to not always make it sound like a wife must be doing something wrong for a husband to cheat, kiss other women, go to nude clubs…I wouldn’t drag my dh out of a nude club, agreed there…I wouldn’t treat him like I’m his mom…but I would also EXPECT my husband to have respect for me and the marriage, and I would not reward my husband for poor behavior, in hopes he would choose me over the nude bar next time.

 

[whatevergirl]

Time to trust your gut, Pinky. There is something very fishy going on. I’m sure IF the Dr. recommended exercise, it did not include staying out into the wee hours, smoking and drinking! There are plenty of options other than dancing in clothing-optional clubs.

Marriage is a gift, but it can also be a huge struggle and challenge at times as anyone who has been in one for many years knows. The worst crime in the world is not falling or failing in maintaining fidelity to your spouse, but being oblivious to the problems and refusing to own up to them and find a remedy.

You both need to think seriously if this a marriage that can be repaired and if you have the commitment, intent and will to save it. If so, counseling will be necessary to dispel tha anger and distrust and move on to more productive communication. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, but it’s time to make some big decisions.

Amen to this post!

 

[Lerin]

TLM, You have a bit of a knack, perhaps non intentional, to blame women when men stray for whatever their reasons…to whatever their vices. His wife shouldn’t need to give her husband a reason not to go out to nude clubs…he should love his wife the way Christ loved the Church. And we don’t know if the OP has a weight problem or not, her husband might just be saying that to her out of meanness. Not knowing their situation, who knows, but please be careful to not always make it sound like a wife must be doing something wrong for a husband to cheat, kiss other women, go to nude clubs…I wouldn’t drag my dh out of a nude club, agreed there…I wouldn’t treat him like I’m his mom…but I would also EXPECT my husband to have respect for me and the marriage, and I would not reward my husband for poor behavior, in hopes he would choose me over the nude bar next time.

Whatevergirl, you’re my hero. You always have the right words for what I am trying to communicate!

 

[whatevergirl]

Salsa dancing isn’t the only means of exercise either, and he could get a dvd and do it at home with you, OP. I could go to a nightclub too and dance the night away as exercise, guess I just believe in jogging a few miles in daylight hours, the old fashioned way.

OP–You’re in my prayers. I hope and your husband can come to some common ground, and can rebuild some parts of your marriage…

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl, you’re my hero. You always have the right words for what I am trying to communicate!

Thanks. I just get a little tired of reading that if a man is at a nude club or cheating or getting emails from women other than his wife, the wife must somehow be at fault, and should be reflecting on her faults. Not saying a woman or man can’t drive the other spouse away somehow, but we are all still responsible for our actions. I think that the OP acted out of emotions. None of us can judge, because if my husband was going to nude clubs, I would be angry too. I think I would want to know why, absolutely. But, I wouldn’t accept responsibility for his choice of actions. He chose to go…he was feeling pressure from his friends…whatever. My husband did go to a nude club early in our marriage for a bachelor party, and back then, I didn’t care…[we were a little wilder back then.] But, now being devoutly Catholic, I would definitely wonder why he chose that–if that were something he felt ‘drawn’ to. If this man in question here is devoutly Catholic, he wouldn’t be going. People can say they are Christian, but often, good character is built on doing the right thing when no one is watching.

 

[whatevergirl]

Pinky–forgive me for referring to you as ‘OP.’ I was too lazy to scroll up to see your name, and I forgot it midstream.

 

[Pinkyyy]

No problem, whatevergirl. Thank you for your response and everyone else’s too. Yes, I don’t have a real problem with his dancing with other women because I know they are just dancing - these are older women twice his age and he wouldn’t really go for them - that I know at least.

I just wanted to respond and say I’ll take more time to reread everyones posts later and respond more one on one. Unfortunately right now is my time to get off work so I won’t probably be able to write tonight. Thank you everyone.

 

[whatevergirl]

No problem, whatevergirl. Thank you for your response and everyone else’s too. Yes, I don’t have a real problem with his dancing with other women because I know they are just dancing - these are older women twice his age and he wouldn’t really go for them - that I know at least.

I just wanted to respond and say I’ll take more time to reread everyones posts later and respond more one on one. Unfortunately right now is my time to get off work so I won’t probably be able to write tonight. Thank you everyone.

Ok, well, as long as you and he are ok with it all, that’s all that matters. Just don’t feel like it’s YOUR fault he went to a nude bar, etc…please don’t feel that way. I also don’t like that he called you fat and ugly, I think there are probably some issues that you both could benefit from Retrouvaille on…I have never been (I wish dh and I had gone when we had struggles in our marriage many years ago, but I have heard it’s great!)

Talk to you later. Peace to you.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m a guy. I am a red-blooded American guy who has been married 30 years. There is no one in the universe that has more of a healthy appreciation for the opposite sex than me. Strip clubs are stupid. They cause you to sin and they disrespect your wife.

If one is on a diet, why would they go into a bakery with all its sights and smells knowing that they cannot eat anything? Why would a married, Christian man go to a strip club and get all “amped up” with no place to go? It is the height of self-defeat.

Besides the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, the most precious gift a man can receive in this world is when a woman gives her love and commits her mind and body to him in marriage for life. My wife is wonderful beyond words. For me to go to a strip club would be like throwing oil on the Mona Lisa. Why would a man do that? (Actually, I know why and it’s sad.)

Aw, this is such a sweet post. God bless you!

 

[Imryl]

Why is it I get the feeling I am one of a few who do not feel the need to treat my husband like he will inevitably cheat?

I truly do not understand this mindset that married individuals should not hang around people of the opposite sex since there *could *be an occasion to sin. I for one trust my husband. Perhaps that’s naive of me, I don’t know. However - I am not going to put conditions on his activities out of fear he *might *cheat.

I will deal with that if and when it rears it’s ugly head.

There is nothing wrong with this woman’s husband going out and having his own hobbies and spending time with his friends. I don’t believe the original poster considers these activities a threat under normal circumstances. Certainly the man has done things to make her feel as though she ought to be weary of whether he is telling her the truth or not.

Honestly, is this a Christian thing? This seemingly rampant distrust of one’s spouse is fairly disturbing to me. (From other posters on this thread, not the original poster.)

 

[noclevername]

There are a lot of things I don’t understand about this situation.

First of all, I understand his need for exercise, we all have that need. But salsa dancing with other women? It wouldn’t bother me if my guy were dancing with other women I knew. But if he did this without me every weekend I think it would bug me a little. BUt I’m not in your situation so it might be OK with you. But you can’t call it ‘exercising’. If he’s smoking and drinking and staying up late, all of that is counter intuitive to this so called exercise. He would be healthier not smoking and not drinking and getting a good night’s sleep while sitting on the couch watching TV. I understand the need to do something fun for exercise, I ride and race bikes because I love it but come on, salsa dancing at a club while drinking and smoking? I mean really.

Also, what I think TML was trying to say (although he was rather crude about it) is that cheating and going to nude clubs, etc is a symptom that something is wrong in the marriage and that there is an underlying problem. And I think he was also saying that it takes two to tango so to speak. Problems in a marriage almost always involve both partners.

I would highly recommend some marriage counseling. I would ask your priest for a recommendation of where to go. And if he won’t go with you, go by yourself.

 

[TLM08]

TLM, You have a bit of a knack, perhaps non intentional, to blame women when men stray for whatever their reasons…to whatever their vices. His wife shouldn’t need to give her husband a reason not to go out to nude clubs…he should love his wife the way Christ loved the Church. And we don’t know if the OP has a weight problem or not, her husband might just be saying that to her out of meanness. Not knowing their situation, who knows, but please be careful to not always make it sound like a wife must be doing something wrong for a husband to cheat, kiss other women, go to nude clubs…I wouldn’t drag my dh out of a nude club, agreed there…I wouldn’t treat him like I’m his mom…but I would also EXPECT my husband to have respect for me and the marriage, and I would not reward my husband for poor behavior, in hopes he would choose me over the nude bar next time.

As I said before, there is usually plenty of blame to go around!
ps: Calling one’s wife “fat” for any reason is the mark of a loser.
Fat wives (and husbands for that matter) are already painfully aware of the issue and don’t need to be reminded.
Nice post though!

 

[whatevergirl]

As I said before, there is usually plenty of blame to go around!
ps: Calling one’s wife “fat” for any reason is the mark of a loser.
Fat wives (and husbands for that matter) are already painfully aware of the issue and don’t need to be reminded.
Nice post though!

Ok.

 

[Leonius]

You are not his mother. If you keep treating him that way, he will continue in his dishonesty. Fat wives are not the reason men going to nudie bars anyway. Stop “mothering” this guy and talk to him like you did before you started mistreating each other. He’s probably trying to get away from “mommy” so he goes to the bar. Nudie bars… porn… affairs… most of the time, they are nothing more than escapes.

Try giving him a reason to stay home! He probably misses his wife (you) terribly. What was it about you that drew him toward you in the first place? It’s likely that there’s a great husband in there somewhere that just wants his wife back!

By the tone of this post, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around. If you want things to get better, you both need to look inward and fix your own problems. The marriage will improve as soon as even one of you starts this process.

WTH is wrong with you?

Her husband is behaving like a lust driven degenerate animal and its her fault? Are you a complete moron or what? Do you do this to by any chance?

Men go to strip joints because they like looking at nude women, because it gets them horny and they like it, period. She has absolutely nothing to do with his degenerate behaviour, and has every right to be furious.

It is the husband and the husband alone who is to blame, there is no excuse, absolutely none for this kind of betrayal by a husband of his wife, she could be the worst wife on the face of this planet and there would stil be no excuse. The wife by puling him out of these kinds of places may just save his soul in the end. Now if she remained silent in the face of this abuse she would be guilty of her husbands sins, through silence we participate in the sins of others.

He needs to stop been a arrogant scum bag, get a bit of humility beg forgiveness of his wife whom he has betrayed and beg forgiveness of God through confession for his disgusting behaviour, get some will power and start acting like a man worthy of respect instead of a immoral, vice ridden degenerate.

 

[Leonius]

Imryl:
I am not justifying his actions in the least. Also, “being married” is not enough to keep anyone home at night. Being a husband… or being a wife is what keeps the spouse home.

Ever heard of duty?

 

[Lerin]

Ever heard of duty?

Or VOWS?

 

[Annn]

Why aren’t you his dancing partner???

You don’t have a problem with him going out dancing with other women, but you do have a problem with him going to a strip club?

Honestly, I see the dancing dates as more of a problem than looking at naked strangers.

Really? I know some folks who like to dance who are married to folks who don’t. Some dancing between friends is now cause for alarm?