Should I Cut Her Out?

[Tempelritter]

I have a friend for whom I’ve had feelings for quite some time. Last month, I subtly asked her out, but she told me she was busy. I backed off after that, but about a week later she passed me in the university library and dropped a note on my table that said “I hope we can still be friends”. We talked that night and I didn’t mention the note or what happened earlier. Later that week she asked me if I wanted to go to a movie, so I said sure and asked if she wanted to get food beforehand. She hesitated and said sure, but that “it’s a friends thing, not a date”. I was kind of taken aback, so I brought up the note and she said she thought I was mad at her for saying she was busy earlier and that she just likes being friends. I didn’t want to make an issue so I said that’s fine. We went out as planned and it was fun. Since then, we hang out almost everyday, text all the time, etc. Our friends keep saying we should date, and I mean, we act like we do, we get along perfectly, and I just don’t understand it.

Basically, I thought maybe she’d change her mind someday, but I can’t see it happening. As I said, we act like we’re dating, but for whatever reason, she won’t go for it. Lately I’ve been thinking about cutting off contact with her. It’s a weird situation that’s just getting me to feel depressed and hopeless. It will hurt to lose her as a friend, but going on like this hurts even more. What are your thoughts?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Basically, I thought maybe she’d change her mind someday, but I can’t see it happening.

“Cutting her off” seems a bit dramatic and, quite honestly, immature. If I were you I’d gradually become less and less available to her. Nothing drastic; nothing sudden; simply increasingly busy with other things or other people. I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings. In any case, there is nothing that says you cannot remain friends with this girl.

 

[EasterJoy]

Only you can decide. Still, out of all her males friends, she is going to marry a) 1 or b) 0. Should the answer be a), the time she’ll do that is either c) maybe soon or d) nothing like soon. When she does marry, it is unlikely that she will choose (as her friends seem to be doing) based on who “checks the boxes.” She will choose based on an intangible, and many good marriage prospects don’t have that…and what “that” is might be anyone’s guess.

If all her male friends that see she will make someone a good wife drop her when they each ( but perhaps one) realize it isn’t he, that will be too bad. Still, many people find it too hard to be platonic friends when they’re carrying a torch for somebody. There is no shame in that. OTOH, there are not a few couples where the wife of many decades relates, “yeah, when we first got to know each other, I said ‘nah, not him,’ but I guess he grew on me.” There is an outside chance you’re in the running.

She’s not treating you badly. If it is too hard for you, though, it is not treating her badly to save your time for women who see you as at least a prospect. I wouldn’t waste time getting depressed about this, because most people have admired friends they wouldn’t marry. If you want to save your time for real marriage prospects, though, well, you probably will do better if you don’t invest too much social time with just one woman. You might scare off some prospects who think she’s more to you than she is.

I guess I’d advise that you spend a bit of time with her, but put more of into other women, with groups , and with male friends. It will take all pressure off her ( which is vital if she’s going to come around) and opens the door for finding that real prospect who will feel more of an immediate interest in you as a romantic prospect.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Cutting her off” seems a bit dramatic and, quite honestly, immature. If I were you I’d gradually become less and less available to her. Nothing drastic; nothing sudden; simply increasingly busy with other things or other people. I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings. In any case, there is nothing that says you cannot remain friends with this girl.

I wouldn’t worry about whether it is sudden. She wasn’t mean to him, but she rejected his bid for something more serious and took care to be clear about it. ( she may have had bad luck in the past with beating around the bush with previous suitors). If he wants to invest less time with her, that will surprise nobody. It would in no way be petty on his part.

 

[Tempelritter]

“Cutting her off” seems a bit dramatic and, quite honestly, immature. If I were you I’d gradually become less and less available to her. Nothing drastic; nothing sudden; simply increasingly busy with other things or other people. I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings. In any case, there is nothing that says you cannot remain friends with this girl.

I don’t think it’s an exercise in immaturity. I’ve sincerely tried to put everything behind me and just be friends, but those feelings are still there, and the way we interact and her habit of being quite “forward”, consciously or otherwise, makes it really difficult.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

What do you me when you say that y’all act like y’all date? Friends can grab food and go to a movie. When I was in college I would do that with guy friends all the time. It was totally clear that we were just friends, I was dating one of their fraternity brothers.

 

[runningdude]

“Cutting her off” seems a bit dramatic and, quite honestly, immature. If I were you I’d gradually become less and less available to her. Nothing drastic; nothing sudden; simply increasingly busy with other things or other people. I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings. In any case, there is nothing that says you cannot remain friends with this girl.

To the OP,

I basically concur with BettyBoop. I was in a similar situation as an undergraduate a few years ago; unrequited love hurts. Find other activities that excite you that don’t involve this particular friend. Focus on becoming a well-rounded, confident person.

 

[andyklein]

In my opinion, this is too dramatized and not really something that you should stay awake in Sunday night worrying about. I wouldn’t make my life a soap opera if I were you. I would just settle down, take it day by day, and spend time together if you two feel like it. If its not meant to be you’ll know. I’m thinking you should just watch baseball.

 

[Tempelritter]

What do you me when you say that y’all act like y’all date? Friends can grab food and go to a movie. When I was in college I would do that with guy friends all the time. It was totally clear that we were just friends, I was dating one of their fraternity brothers.

It’s that, plus her actions and comments aren’t really appropriate for a “friends” context. Our mutual friends noticed that and thought we are dating. That’s what makes this difficult.

To the OP,

I basically concur with BettyBoop. I was in a similar situation as an undergraduate a few years ago; unrequited love hurts. Find other activities that excite you that don’t involve this particular friend. Focus on becoming a well-rounded, confident person.

This is probably the best route, but I take things like this hard and, for better or worse, find it easier just to sever contact with the person in question. It might be impulsive/immature/etc., I don’t know…

In my opinion, this is too dramatized and not really something that you should stay awake in Sunday night worrying about. I wouldn’t make my life a soap opera if I were you. I would just settle down, take it day by day, and spend time together if you two feel like it. If its not meant to be you’ll know. I’m thinking you should just watch baseball.

Well, I realize I’m probably make too big of a deal out of this. But I had put a lot of hope into this for a while, and have had bad experiences in the past being with girls who were too different or a “bad influence”. I don’t have a particularly Catholic or Christian group of friends, and my university is notorious for being left-wing/secular and attracting the corresponding types. The person in question, however, is a Catholic who is a legitimately nice girl, actually has respect for herself, is intelligent, selfless, funny, basically exactly what I’ve been looking for. It just makes it all the more difficult.

 

[chero23]

keep it simple, she wants to go with you to the movies, you guys hang out, so its not to bad. Play it right don’t push the envelope. if at any point she is talking to somebody then yes cut her off

 

[runningdude]

This is probably the best route, but I take things like this hard and, for better or worse, find it easier just to sever contact with the person in question. It might be impulsive/immature/etc., I don’t know…

That’s actually what I ended up doing to a large extent after I graduated. We had a large pool of common friends that didn’t make severing contact feasible while I was still school.

To the extent possible develop interests away from your girl in question, so that you’re not replacing her with a void, but with a rich and fulfilling life.

 

[SecretGarden]

If she wants to be friends, be friends, but make sure the lines are clearly defined as in no hand holding, kissing etc. You don’t have to necessarily talk about it but you can watch your own body language. Secondly, the girl may not be ready to date you or anyone else right now. Sometimes girls just want to be friends with a guy and sometimes, they want something more but they aren’t ready for a relationship.

As the two of you remain friends, keep your eyes open to dating other girls. Before you ask a different girl out, I would run it by your friend. You can be honest and say: “I met a really nice girl, would you mind if I invited her out for coffee or a date.” If she had feelings for you, then she might get angry or show some hurt. If that is the case, then you can talk it out and who knows, maybe she will reveal that her feelings are deeper than she realizes. She may also totally support it. If that is the case, you can go out on that date and if things go well, have the two women meet for a fun non-couply activity.

It is important to value this friendship because you never know, where the world will take you. One of my good friends, dated one guy, they broke up and she later began to date and later married his best friend.

If she starts dating someone else, don’t cut her off, but be there for her. Continue to be friends and who knows maybe you can try to double date as well.

Take it step by step.

SG

 

[Mike_from_NJ]

As the two of you remain friends, keep your eyes open to dating other girls. Before you ask a different girl out, I would run it by your friend. You can be honest and say: “I met a really nice girl, would you mind if I invited her out for coffee or a date.”

Personally, I would definitely NOT do that. She’s told you both verbally and in writing that she is not interested in anything beyond a platonic friendship. If you ask her that question she will think:

1. You didn’t listen when she told you her feelings, or you chose to ignore them.
2. You can’t handle a friends-only relationship.

Now 2) might be true, but if so that is something you will want to be upfront with her about (albeit delicately and without putting any blame on her).

Trust me, you do NOT want to be that hanger-on friend who hopes that she realizes what a great guy you are. It doesn’t work and will just make you miserable. You have to approach this girl with no ulterior motives. Can you accept just being friends? Great. Is it too much to bear? That’s fine and understandable, too. Just don’t think there is some middle ground here.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have a friend for whom I’ve had feelings for quite some time. Last month, I subtly asked her out, but she told me she was busy. I backed off after that, but about a week later she passed me in the university library and dropped a note on my table that said “I hope we can still be friends”. We talked that night and I didn’t mention the note or what happened earlier. Later that week she asked me if I wanted to go to a movie, so I said sure and asked if she wanted to get food beforehand. She hesitated and said sure, but that “it’s a friends thing, not a date”. I was kind of taken aback, so I brought up the note and she said she thought I was mad at her for saying she was busy earlier and that she just likes being friends. I didn’t want to make an issue so I said that’s fine. We went out as planned and it was fun. Since then, we hang out almost everyday, text all the time, etc. Our friends keep saying we should date, and I mean, we act like we do, we get along perfectly, and I just don’t understand it.

Basically, I thought maybe she’d change her mind someday, but I can’t see it happening. As I said, we act like we’re dating, but for whatever reason, she won’t go for it. Lately I’ve been thinking about cutting off contact with her. It’s a weird situation that’s just getting me to feel depressed and hopeless. It will hurt to lose her as a friend, but going on like this hurts even more. What are your thoughts?

This is a classic case, actually.

“If you want a girl to like you, you have to flirt with her, tease her and do the things that get her to see you more than a friend” as one dating coach would say.

Listen, it doesn’t matter how often you text or see each other. Frequency of being around a girl isn’t a sign that she is romantically attracted to you. In fact, trying to be around a girl a lot KILLS attraction and makes you look desperate and needy.

Your friends may think you should date, but frankly she’s not going to date you because they think she should. You need to step up past this confused state, take the lead, flirt, give compliments, be funny ect.

Try that and if she doesn’t go for it, then it’s not worth your time.

And don’t mention the letter again. Start fresh and take this advice.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Can you accept just being friends? Great. Is it too much to bear? That’s fine and understandable, too. Just don’t think there is some middle ground here.

There really isn’t. However, he can get her to see him as attractive if he starts doing the proper things that attract women—and I don’t mean lame pick-up lines or propositions to get into bed.

Listen, a lot of guys in the West don’t get that. They fall right into the trap you describe: they become the substitute girlfriend because they don’t know to attract women.

It doesn’t work in real life like it does in the movies where the so-called “nice guy” (boy, what a myth that is!) can get the girl if he just tells her how he feels!

It’s complete and utter hogwash!

Guys who sit around and feel sorry for themselves or who are content with awkward friendships are not seen as dating material by most women.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a classic case, actually.

“If you want a girl to like you, you have to flirt with her, tease her and do the things that get her to see you more than a friend” as one dating coach would say.

Listen, it doesn’t matter how often you text or see each other. Frequency of being around a girl isn’t a sign that she is romantically attracted to you. In fact, trying to be around a girl a lot KILLS attraction and makes you look desperate and needy.

Your friends may think you should date, but frankly she’s not going to date you because they think she should. You need to step up past this confused state, take the lead, flirt, give compliments, be funny ect.

Try that and if she doesn’t go for it, then it’s not worth your time.

And don’t mention the letter again. Start fresh and take this advice.

Having been in this situation, there isn’t something my male friends that I didn’t fall for could have done differently that would have made me fall for them. What you want in a husband is a friend, but not every friend is someone you want to marry.

Every one of them found someone and got married. They and their wives are sweet beautiful couples, and they found their wives by being themselves. If the OP finds a woman who makes him into a flirt with her, then sure he should flirt. If it’s not him, it isn’t going to work.

It’s OK to seek out social situations that lead to you feeling relaxed, happy, full of life, and happy to be who you are. If this has changed that, the best thing to do is find company more likely to do that. Or if what he wants to do us lick the wound, then do it. Take care of your own psyche…it is very ok! The rest, decide what falls in line with that. This is a social life, not one-sided almsgiving or a job interview. It is OK to let your comfort guide you.

 

[HoneyBea]

Honestly she probably just wants to be friends.

I had a friend who I adored and wanted to hang out with all the time. I never wanted more than a friendship and I never felt like I was leading him on. I sincerely enjoyed our friendship. I soon found out that he liked me as more than friends the entire time and was confused by my friendship which later turned to hurt and anger. The entire time I was oblivious and just thought we were best friends. It hurt me and it was hard letting that friendship go but it could never be a healthy one when he had feelings that towards me. If a girl is interested in anything more than friendship trust me you will know. Stop agonizing over it and face the reality that she really just wants to be friends. Could it change it something else? Yes, possibly, but again when she does change her mind you will know.

 

[on_the_hill]

Dude, you fell into the “friend” trap.

There’s no escape from it. Every guy knows this.

You have to make a decision: pine away your life in the bittersweet martyrdom of unrequited love, or keep looking for someone who loves you back.

As hard as it will be, I recommend that you maintain your friendship with her and keep on the lookout for someone else. I had a few “dating” friendships where there was not an interest in moving to the next level. We had fun while it lasted. Movies, dancing, eating, etc., but never anything emotionally romantic or physically intimate. It’s amazing how fun “romance” can be when it’s not real, if that makes any sense. Gazing at a sunset together is remarkably exciting when there are no strings attached.

Now, if a few weeks or months from now, your friend decides she wants more from you, I highly recommend you stand strong, and ask her and yourself, “What’s changed in our relationship that has changed your mind about me?”

 

[runningdude]

Dude, you fell into the “friend” trap.

There’s no escape from it. Every guy knows this.
…

“Friend Trap” and “Friend Zone” have no place in Christian dating. It is an artifact of hook up ‘culture’ that, based on the ridiculous theory that a woman owes a man a romantic relationship just for the man being doting and attentive (with no concern for the woman’s actual wishes). This is a disrespectful attitude towards the dignity of women and the sacramental view of life and marriage.

Men and women are expected to be open and honest about intentions and expectations. If romantic intentions are not returned, you move on. Sticking around and doting on someone that isn’t interested is simply not healthy.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I have a friend for whom I’ve had feelings for quite some time. Last month, I subtly asked her out, but she told me she was busy. I backed off after that, but about a week later she passed me in the university library and dropped a note on my table that said “I hope we can still be friends”. We talked that night and I didn’t mention the note or what happened earlier. Later that week she asked me if I wanted to go to a movie, so I said sure and asked if she wanted to get food beforehand. She hesitated and said sure, but that “it’s a friends thing, not a date”. I was kind of taken aback, so I brought up the note and she said she thought I was mad at her for saying she was busy earlier and that she just likes being friends. I didn’t want to make an issue so I said that’s fine. We went out as planned and it was fun. Since then, we hang out almost everyday, text all the time, etc. Our friends keep saying we should date, and I mean, we act like we do, we get along perfectly, and I just don’t understand it.

Basically, I thought maybe she’d change her mind someday, but I can’t see it happening. As I said, we act like we’re dating, but for whatever reason, she won’t go for it. Lately I’ve been thinking about cutting off contact with her. It’s a weird situation that’s just getting me to feel depressed and hopeless. It will hurt to lose her as a friend, but going on like this hurts even more. What are your thoughts?

You’re young. It’s really very simple-- are you interested in having this person as just a friend or not? If not, stop hanging with them, texting etc. wishing it were more. Just as she has every right to want nothing more than to be friends, you have every right to decide you don’t want to be just friends and maintain a friendship- i.e. you have better things to do with your time if this will never go anywhere. You only have so many hours in your life, if you’re interested in finding a dating relationship-- then spend those hours finding one vice focusing on someone who isn’t interested.

The time you spend with her and focus on her is preventing you from seeing/exploring other opportunities.

Spend the time you now have free to go look for other relationships, you may then find a relationship with someone you are compatible with and sees you as potentially more than just a friend. Also, you may find women that you are content to just have a friends type relationship with.