Should I cut ties with SIL

[Maggie_C]

Over the years, I have had a very strange relationship with my sister in law.
I am aware that she has a problem with me. She sends me not to subtle demonstrations of this at every time I am in her company.
She neglects to say good bye to me when she visits my house, she hugs and kisses everyone else.
She addresses Christmas cards to my husband only.
She slammed a car door on me at our last visit to her son’s house. The look on her face was so angry when she did it, I was actually frightened.
A very personal item was stolen on one of her visits. These are just a small sample of her behaviors.
Frankly, I don’t see why I have to have anything to do with someone this crazy. I am tired of trying to be polite to her when I know that she has singled me out as someone she needs to bully.
I just don’t see that allowing her to continue this behavior helps keep peace(I certainly don’t feel peaceful) or is charitable towards her since it allows her to continue unchecked. I just think It would be far better not to have any contact with her because I cannot change her bulling, gossiping and threatening behavior.
My husband is very unconfrontational and confides that he doesn’t like her but that he feels he has to put up with her because she is his half-sister. Thank God she lives two states away.
I don’t want to make the decision to cut her off, lightly, I would rather we could work it out but I can’t take the bulling anymore. When she complains about other people she hates, I have tried to talk about my Catholic views about things like praying for people who we don’t get on with, avoiding gossip etc. These are all met with sarcastic remarks like “who has time to pray” and I am left with the impression that I (and my Catholic views) don’t know anything. I am always praying for her. The only thing keeping me from cutting her off (but still keeping her in my prayers) is that I think it may be uncharitable can someone give we some insight into what would be the Holy thing to do in this situation?

 

[BlestOne]

Wow that is sad…but all too common. After many years I did cut myself off from my own sister because she bullies me. The funny thing is that I don’t miss her and I am much more relaxed now. I do continue to pray for her but I don’t call or email or exchange Christmas cards or gifts… and most especially… I don’t let mom go on and on about her…ahhhhhh I wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

Since this is your Husbands family it is actually up to him though. I would tell him how you feel and also that it is his decision because it is his family. If she lives 2 states away, maybe you don’t have to deal with her often enough to worry about though. If you have children, watch that she doesn’t treat them badly and if she does… then consider telling dh that he can have a relationship with her but you and the kids will stay away for their safety.

 

[basilisk]

Since your husband is not willing to cut ties, nor to protect his family from this menace… then you have to do it. Tell your husband that he can have a relationship with his sister, but that you choose not to and don’t want your children exposed to her. Tell him he is free to visit her any time and as often as he likes. But that you will not be going along.

Perhaps when he has to deal with her **** without you as a buffer, he will finally get sick of it.

And I’m sorry that your husband is not meeting his responsibility to protect his family from harm. No matter what the genetics are, no man should allow his family, especially his wife with whom he is one flesh, to be treated that way.

BTW, it’s not uncharitable to avoid people who don’t want you. Even Jesus shook the dust from his feet and left his home town when they rejected Him, right?

 

[happymommy]

We have done it with my sister. It’s not always easy, as other family members think we are wrong. But her behavior is unhealthy and she is not the kind of person we want around our children. We have cut all ties with her and our family is better for it. We have a responsiblity to our children to keep them safe and this is what needed to be done. I hope your husband helps you with this. Mine has been wonderful and very protective of us. It has helped a lot!!

 

[rolltidefan]

I really don’t have much to add to this thread other than this one out of all really makes me very sad. I know there are some family members that are a pain. Not sure why she is doing this to you, but I do believe in sitting and trying to talk things out with people. Maybe it is all a misunderstanding…just a guess, but not sure as I don’t personally know this person at all. The reason though this thread makes me sad is because I lost my brother in 2002. We were on very good terms and were very close. However, I miss him so much and would give anything to have him back here with me. He was also my only sibling. I cannot imagine if he were alive to just choose not to speak to him and cause family rifts. I just don’t believe this is ever a good approach to take for a family. So in some ways it kind of erks me when people choose this as a way of dealing with things as I don’t have my brother. Now again I am not saying that it can always be helped or that you haven’t tried, she has a free will and for whatever reason is choosing to act this way. Just remember that it is really hard to say sorry or I forgive you or “making things better” when someone is in a casket. Too late then. I mean as I said, my brother and I had an awesome relationship while he was alive and there are still things that I regret not doing. I cannot imagine the guilt that I would have choosing to have taken another route. I just always believe in trying to make peace and sometimes that means sucking it up for family. I mean I am sure your husband doesn’t want to even cause problems between his parents and himself by acting out and making it worse. I think there is a reason that the bible says blessed are the peacemakers. It is a higher road and sometimes a harder road to have to take when people step on us, but I do believe it is a much more rewarding road in the end. Again, I am not saying you are the cause, I am just giving my side of it as a sibling that has lost her brother. God Bless You.

 

[Island_Oak]

Your SIL sounds abusive, manipulative, sneaky and even a little passive-aggressive. She must be a wreck inside her own head and heart. Have you ever just called her on her behaviour? It might be worth it, because someone like her operates best when she can rely on the good behaviour of the people around them to mask and avoid the consequences of her own rotten conduct. If you cannot do this, I would have no problem sending your husband, as one other poster suggested, and declining to join him until she makes some changes in the way she treats you. I suspect until she is confronted directly she won’t have any reason to change. She is very weak and insecure–it wouldn’t take much other than delivering a calm, firm and direct message to make her back off.

 

[happymommy]

I really don’t have much to add to this thread other than this one out of all really makes me very sad. I know there are some family members that are a pain. Not sure why she is doing this to you, but I do believe in sitting and trying to talk things out with people. Maybe it is all a misunderstanding…just a guess, but not sure as I don’t personally know this person at all. The reason though this thread makes me sad is because I lost my brother in 2002. We were on very good terms and were very close. However, I miss him so much and would give anything to have him back here with me. He was also my only sibling. I cannot imagine if he were alive to just choose not to speak to him and cause family rifts. I just don’t believe this is ever a good approach to take for a family. So in some ways it kind of erks me when people choose this as a way of dealing with things as I don’t have my brother. Now again I am not saying that it can always be helped or that you haven’t tried, she has a free will and for whatever reason is choosing to act this way. Just remember that it is really hard to say sorry or I forgive you or “making things better” when someone is in a casket. Too late then. I mean as I said, my brother and I had an awesome relationship while he was alive and there are still things that I regret not doing. I cannot imagine the guilt that I would have choosing to have taken another route. I just always believe in trying to make peace and sometimes that means sucking it up for family. I mean I am sure your husband doesn’t want to even cause problems between his parents and himself by acting out and making it worse. I think there is a reason that the bible says blessed are the peacemakers. It is a higher road and sometimes a harder road to have to take when people step on us, but I do believe it is a much more rewarding road in the end. Again, I am not saying you are the cause, I am just giving my side of it as a sibling that has lost her brother. God Bless You.

I understand where you are coming from and you are right you should always try to make peace, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. I don’t want to derail the thread and make it about me, so I won’t share my story now, maybe another time. But for us the choice to cut ties with my sister was not an easy thing to do, but I have to protect my children from people that could be a danger to them. I don’t want you to think it was just a simple fight and I don’t want to say I’m sorry. I have no hard feelings or hatred towards my sister, but she is not well and will not get help. My job as a parent over rides any job I have as a sibling. I hope you can understand. I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother! I have not lost a sibling, but have lost my mother. I know you can’t go back and change things once they are gone. But I have to make a better life for my kids then what I had and we really had no choice, but to go this route. We have told my sister that if she gets help and changes her ways, then we will be willing to communicate with her. She is unwilling to do these things. Again, I’m sorry for your loss!

 

[rolltidefan]

happymommy, I am sorry that you and your sister don’t have a relationship. I am not judging you for the decision that you had to make in your family. I don’t know your situation. I have two kids of my own and obviously protecting them is most important. Especially if it has something to with direct harm to them. I just know how some families can be, it doesn’t take much to tear them apart. Not saying that this is at all the situation with anybody here, but I have seen just jealous wives/husbands that didn’t like the MIL, FIL, BIL or SIL and just want their spouses to disown any family they have because of jealousy. I say this because I had an uncle that done this. He had not spoken to my grandparents in years. My grandfather died on Thanksgiving day 2008 and of course my uncle showed up and it was really sad that he allowed his wife to have this kind of control over him. Now I know that we as spouses are supposed to stand up for our spouses. They are to come before parents and etc. But, when you know your spouse is in the wrong, no you are not to stand up for them, you need to stand up to them. I have seen this happen more with women being jealous of family than with husbands though. Not sure, maybe it is a competition thing. Anyway, I understand what you are saying and as I said I am not judging you. I am just saying when there can be peace there needs to be. Sometimes situations are just really misunderstood and nobody wants to stand up to ask what the problem is. And then again sometimes people just need to know that you are not going to be run over, if they have a strong personality and usually they will change their attitude after that point. I think the most important place to begin is setting boundries and letting that person know that you want to be a family. God Bless You. I pray that everything works out for you and your sister.

 

[kage_ar]

Pray for her and love her, remember, she is created in the image and likeness of God.

 

[IrishAm]

Pray for her and love her, remember, she is created in the image and likeness of God.

But do not forget to pray for yourself and love yourself and remember that you are created in the image and likeness of God. You are deserving of respect and courtesy and safety – and perhaps your husband needs to be reminded of that as well . . .

 

[holyrood]

but I have seen just jealous wives/husbands that didn’t like the MIL, FIL, BIL or SIL and just want their spouses to disown any family they have because of jealousy. I say this because I had an uncle that done this. He had not spoken to my grandparents in years. My grandfather died on Thanksgiving day 2008 and of course my uncle showed up and it was really sad that he allowed his wife to have this kind of control over him.

rolltide, your posts equally break my heart. If everyone here had such wonderful relationships with their family members (and such wonderful family members) this wouldn’t be a questions. But it really does take two, in the end, to make a relationship work. Yes, one person CAN be forgiving and loving and try to find out what’s wrong and keep being there. But eventually, if nothing changes, you’re left with a choice of continue to accept the abuse, or go about your own business. I, too, have ended my relationship with my sister for the time being, because I’m tired of being screamed at. If there comes a day she is in her coffin, am I supposed to regret that I didn’t get another ten years of being screamed at?

Your post above especially hurts. Maybe you know every detail about this woman and your uncle’s marriage, but chances are you don’t. Maybe you’re right about her and the situation, but possibly you aren’t. There are people (possibly many) in my husband’s family saying the same thing about me, and it is absolutely flat out not true. I’ll avoid the temptation to offer all the evidence, but I know in my heart exactly how I feel, and what I have done to keep him in touch, and what tangible lengths I have personally gone to, what sacrifices I’ve made, to make sure he and the kids maintain contact with them, but people bring their own issues and past to the present situations, people see what they want to see, and in the end, they talk amongst themselves, never asking me what’s really going on, and convince each other that black is white, without actually knowing most of the details themselves. If I tried to tell them the whole ugly story of what has gone on here, I’d be called a trouble maker, so I hold my tongue.

So please, please, please, withhold judgment on your uncle’s wife. Whether she’s truly what you think (she may be, I’m not denying that), or whether there’s a lot more you don’t know about, please just pray for her and the situation and keep a door open to her and your uncle.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Such a sad situation… especially, when it’s family members.

I had to cut ties with an old friend. Because I felt she was posing a danger of “too much stress” on my mother, who is elderly and ailing. The friend had some bad habits: constant complaining, gossiping… etc., that were causing my mother undue stress. I had attempted to reason with my friend, and asked her to please keep the conversations “light and charitable”, at least in my mothers presence. But for whatever reasons… she wasn’t able to comply. So… we parted company. In the wake of all this… my actions were criticized to common friends.

But I felt I had no other choice. It was a matter of my mothers well-being (her health is quite fragile).

I commend you for your intention to continue to pray for your SIL. Good for you! Sometimes, that is all we can do for a family member or friend. God bless you.

 

[rolltidefan]

rolltide, your posts equally break my heart. If everyone here had such wonderful relationships with their family members (and such wonderful family members) this wouldn’t be a questions. But it really does take two, in the end, to make a relationship work. Yes, one person CAN be forgiving and loving and try to find out what’s wrong and keep being there. But eventually, if nothing changes, you’re left with a choice of continue to accept the abuse, or go about your own business. I, too, have ended my relationship with my sister for the time being, because I’m tired of being screamed at. If there comes a day she is in her coffin, am I supposed to regret that I didn’t get another ten years of being screamed at?

Your post above especially hurts. Maybe you know every detail about this woman and your uncle’s marriage, but chances are you don’t. Maybe you’re right about her and the situation, but possibly you aren’t. There are people (possibly many) in my husband’s family saying the same thing about me, and it is absolutely flat out not true. I’ll avoid the temptation to offer all the evidence, but I know in my heart exactly how I feel, and what I have done to keep him in touch, and what tangible lengths I have personally gone to, what sacrifices I’ve made, to make sure he and the kids maintain contact with them, but people bring their own issues and past to the present situations, people see what they want to see, and in the end, they talk amongst themselves, never asking me what’s really going on, and convince each other that black is white, without actually knowing most of the details themselves. If I tried to tell them the whole ugly story of what has gone on here, I’d be called a trouble maker, so I hold my tongue.

So please, please, please, withhold judgment on your uncle’s wife. Whether she’s truly what you think (she may be, I’m not denying that), or whether there’s a lot more you don’t know about, please just pray for her and the situation and keep a door open to her and your uncle.

Thank you for the post back. First of all, I don’t stand in judgement of my uncle’s wife. I don’t know the lady that well or my uncle for that matter because they chose to break ties with the family when I was a young teenager. I am now 35. There has always been an open door to the both of them by all of the family members. They are the ones that chose to shut that doort. I do believe there is something going on with my uncles wife…I think she is a mental case. I say that with being completely serious as nicely as I possibly can. After she saw that causing trouble for my grandparents and the rest of the siblings that were left which are 3 more was not going to break a family apart, she then turned on her own. She has a son and grandkids and daughter in law that does not even speak to her because of the trouble she has caused within her now immediate family. I also think we know when we are the troublemakers also in a family. I am not saying your are. But actually I had to call someone up tonight and apologize for my attitude with them yesterday. I just always keep in mind that the bible says if you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven. Again, not saying you have or haven’t forgiven or anybody else here has. But I know when I have made trouble and I know when I am right and wrong, but sometimes taking the higher road for me feels better, even if I am in the right, but many times I have not been right and I know it, because God will put a conviction on my heart to know that I am not justified in my actions, attitude or etc.

To answer your next question, you asked if your sister was in her coffin were you supposed to regret another 10 years of not being yelled at…well, unfortunately I think you would find that you would. Hard to judge a situation when it has not happened and you feel you are in the right. But yes, I think you would regret it and yes I think it would be sad if you didn’t, for even not for yourself, but for the fact that your parents are going through burying a child which no parent should have to do. Do you realize what I would give to have my brother back so that we could even fuss or him yell at me?? I would do it in a heartbeat, because I have seen the pain the pain this has caused my entire family and to see parents that have buried a child. I would think everybody parents here would want their children to have peace. In fact I would guarantee that most pray for that daily. I know all families are not perfect and none are and there are situations that cannot be avoided, but for the ones that can, you need to try to get along. And yes this is still the saddest part of any thread I have ever seen and yes you should say mine is the saddest because my family has suffered great loss for families that cannot even sit in the same room together, so yes I agree that is very sad and actually makes me quite angry to be honest. I just hope you are never in the situation to find yourself grieving the loss of a sibling, you might see things a little differently. ,

 

[holyrood]

he allowed his wife to have this kind of control over him. … when you know your spouse is in the wrong, no you are not to stand up for them, you need to stand up to them… women being jealous of family than with husbands though.

I think the most important place to begin is setting boundries.

rolltide, you say you don’t know the woman, yet you refer several times to jealousy, say that she ‘controls’ him, that she is in the wrong, that he needs to stand up to her, that she is a mental case. These all sound very judgmental, and my point remains the same. You admit you don’t know her, yet you believe all these things about her. What are you basing them on, if you don’t actually know her?

As to regretting that I passed up the chance to continue being mistreated… to each his own. My parents had 40 years of ‘happy’ family by me patiently overlooking it. Enough is enough, and my sister is welcome back into my life when she decides to behave. I think she knows that.

 

[rolltidefan]

rolltide, you say you don’t know the woman, yet you refer several times to jealousy, say that she ‘controls’ him, that she is in the wrong, that he needs to stand up to her, that she is a mental case. These all sound very judgmental, and my point remains the same. You admit you don’t know her, yet you believe all these things about her. What are you basing them on, if you don’t actually know her?

As to regretting that I passed up the chance to continue being mistreated… to each his own. My parents had 40 years of ‘happy’ family by me patiently overlooking it. Enough is enough, and my sister is welcome back into my life when she decides to behave. I think she knows that.

Good points, I give you that. I don’t personally know her, however, I do know what my mom and family have been through because of her. Since my grandfather died on Thanksgiving, I also see that my uncle regrets the “lost years”. Some things can be seen without explaination. Also, you ever heard of the verse in the bible that talks about you will be known by the fruits you bear?? Also have you ever heard of the love chapter?? If you are not putting forth those fruits, well then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, only a fruit inspector. I don’t judge her based on whether she personally knows Christ or where she will spend eternity…that is judging. But sometimes you know when people are trouble. The rest is just common sense. They have always been freely invited to family events and anything else without show. She didn’t even show up to support her husband at his own fathers funeral. Yep, I see that as spousal love and also someone that I would be on here taking up for. Sure wish my husband acted in that matter, I would be proud and feel so loved. Again, I hope for you, your parents and also your sister there can be some healing. I would hate to have that on me.

 

[holyrood]

You know what your mother and family have been through, and you know THEIR explanation. Without knowing all the people and all the facts, we cannot accurately decide who is actually responsible for those fruits.

I would hate to have that on me

This is the kind of thing that comes across as very judgmental. Perhaps you don’t mean it to be, but it certainly sounds as if you’re assigning blame for a broken family. Does the person who actually mistreats others bear any blame for breaking apart a family? Or only the person who finally walks away from it?

I think this goes to the heart of the OP’s question: when do you cut ties? I personally agree that it’s always right to leave the door open for the day someone decides they want a relationship, but I don’t believe that we have to keep walking into the lion’s den for more abuse. Is an abused wife required to stay with her abuser, for instance?

 

[rolltidefan]

You know what your mother and family have been through, and you know THEIR explanation. Without knowing all the people and all the facts, we cannot accurately decide who is actually responsible for those fruits.

This is the kind of thing that comes across as very judgmental. Perhaps you don’t mean it to be, but it certainly sounds as if you’re assigning blame for a broken family. Does the person who actually mistreats others bear any blame for breaking apart a family? Or only the person who finally walks away from it?

I think this goes to the heart of the OP’s question: when do you cut ties? I personally agree that it’s always right to leave the door open for the day someone decides they want a relationship, but I don’t believe that we have to keep walking into the lion’s den for more abuse. Is an abused wife required to stay with her abuser, for instance?

holyrood…again thanks for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. However, I see you and I as only going back and forth to prove whatever point it is we have to prove without accomplishing anything productive. Again, I hope you and your family heal, as I do everyones here.

 

[happymommy]

I think this goes to the heart of the OP’s question: when do you cut ties? I personally agree that it’s always right to leave the door open for the day someone decides they want a relationship, but I don’t believe that we have to keep walking into the lion’s den for more abuse. Is an abused wife required to stay with her abuser, for instance?

This is what we have done. We have put the ball in my sister’s court and it’s up to her to change her ways or we go on without each other. I can not and will not allow my children to be around an unstable person. She is ill and needs help, but she does not see it that way. Until she does, this is how it has to be. I will not spend another day of my life sick because of her behavior. My children are far more important then any relationship I could ever have with her, and we have never had a healthy relationship! She has always been like this and it has ripped my family apart. I have put my foot down. I will not be a party to it anymore. I will not enable her to be this type of person. It would be great if everyone got along with their brothers and sisters and never had any trouble. But that isn’t how life works and sometimes in life there are people that for your benefit, health and peace of mind, you just can not be around. It’s sad, but it’s true and until you are in that situation you can’t tell others how you would handle it, anymore then I could tell someone who has lost a sibiling how they should grieve. I’ve never been there, but I have lost a parent! I miss her every day! But, I’m not willing to subject myself or my children to anymore of the craziness my sister throws at this family. So, what do we do… Well, we had to explain to my children, who already understood that her behavior was wrong, why she will no longer be coming around. Guess what? They understood it and our oldest thanked us for taking them away from someone that could teach them bad things!! We pray for her and also for my niece who has gotten caught up in this mess and is turning out just like her mother. That’s what we can do for them. And you know what, I don’t miss her! I know that sounds terrible, but I don’t miss being upset all the time and all the chaos that she brought into our lives. I pray that she finds peace and can move on to a normal life. I pray she doesn’t hurt anymore people in the process!!

 

[rolltidefan]

This is what we have done. We have put the ball in my sister’s court and it’s up to her to change her ways or we go on without each other. I can not and will not allow my children to be around an unstable person. She is ill and needs help, but she does not see it that way. Until she does, this is how it has to be. I will not spend another day of my life sick because of her behavior. My children are far more important then any relationship I could ever have with her, and we have never had a healthy relationship! She has always been like this and it has ripped my family apart. I have put my foot down. I will not be a party to it anymore. I will not enable her to be this type of person. It would be great if everyone got along with their brothers and sisters and never had any trouble. But that isn’t how life works and sometimes in life there are people that for your benefit, health and peace of mind, you just can not be around. It’s sad, but it’s true and until you are in that situation you can’t tell others how you would handle it, anymore then I could tell someone who has lost a sibiling how they should grieve. I’ve never been there, but I have lost a parent! I miss her every day! But, I’m not willing to subject myself or my children to anymore of the craziness my sister throws at this family. So, what do we do… Well, we had to explain to my children, who already understood that her behavior was wrong, why she will no longer be coming around. Guess what? They understood it and our oldest thanked us for taking them away from someone that could teach them bad things!! We pray for her and also for my niece who has gotten caught up in this mess and is turning out just like her mother. That’s what we can do for them. And you know what, I don’t miss her! I know that sounds terrible, but I don’t miss being upset all the time and all the chaos that she brought into our lives. I pray that she finds peace and can move on to a normal life. I pray she doesn’t hurt anymore people in the process!!

Happymommy, I think we had already talked about this and I told you there are times you have to protect your family. Nothing wrong with that because your kids do come first. I don’t know your situation, so you are getting wound up for nothing. My point here was if you can, you need to work it out with family. I see nothing wrong with making that statement. I cann’t believe people here think there is something wrong with that statement. And yes working it out sometimes means lots of work on both sides. Anyway, I will not go into that further, I think everyone here knows what I think about that as I think it has been explained quite well by me. Also, the bolded part of your statement above, you are right that does sound terrible. No more to say about that either. God Bless You

 

[happymommy]

Happymommy, I think we had already talked about this and I told you there are times you have to protect your family. Nothing wrong with that because your kids do come first. I don’t know your situation, so you are getting wound up for nothing. My point here was if you can, you need to work it out with family. I see nothing wrong with making that statement. I cann’t believe people here think there is something wrong with that statement. And yes working it out sometimes means lots of work on both sides. Anyway, I will not go into that further, I think everyone here knows what I think about that as I think it has been explained quite well by me. Also, the bolded part of your statement above, you are right that does sound terrible. No more to say about that either. God Bless You

I wasn’t trying to get another response from you, we had discussed my first post already, I was just restating for another poster that I agreed with them that just because you are family, doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat!!
Well, I’m sorry if it’s terrible, but since you don’t know the story and just how bad it really is, I don’t think that’s a fair judgement for you to be making about me! I will not go into to all of it, but what it’s about right now is getting my 87 year old father out of her care because she is abusing and neglecting him and then we have to get her 17 year old daughter out as well! This is not a family tiff that wasn’t able to be settled. This is about abuse of the elderly and a young girl. Now I have no more to say about it either!