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tuffsmurf
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They have been dating for three years though.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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I’m not sure dating at 15-16 really qualifies as the kind of adult dating and discernment that you need for a marriage. You’re a completely different person at 15 than you are at 25. You’re a child whose primary concerns are pimples and homework.
I’m not trying to be dismissive of OPs feelings, but when you combine their youth and the fact that he just joined the military this feels like a very bad idea.
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tuffsmurf
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I ageee that dating at 15 isn’t the same thing as dating as an adult, but the point is that they have known each other for quite some time so the marriage plans doesn’t seem to be an impulse.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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True. I’m thinking more of him. A lot of young people who enlist decide to get married without really thinking it through because their quality of life skyrockets being married.
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redcatholic
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The issue is if they have discerned their vocation. My wife was 18 when we got engaged and 19 when we married. We were young, but we were sure of the vocation. I think it’s cynical to think he just wants out of the barracks. They sound like a wonderful couple. Jump on in, the water is fine!
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RolandThompsonGunner
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Cynicism born of long experience with a lot of examples. He may not even be consciously doing it; it might just be the impulse of a 19 year old.
And yeah, I know there are couples for whom it works. Apparently you are one, which is awesome. But you guys are not the norm. The survival rate of 18 year old marriages ain’t great.
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redcatholic
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It isn’t about age, it’s about serious discernment. About a well grounded deep Catholic faith. If there is that, then it really doesn’t matter if you are 18 or 38.
Not only did it work for us but it worked for almost every serious practicing Catholic couple I know who married young. 7 kids later and if one of my kids wanted to marry at 18, my reservation would not be with the age but with the discernment.
Not only did it work for us but it worked for almost every serious practicing Catholic couple I know who married young. 7 kids later and if one of my kids wanted to marry at 18, my reservation would not be with the age but with the discernment.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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I get what you’re saying. My point is that, in my opinion, age and discernment aren’t totally independent of each other. Most 18-19 year olds aren’t in a position to do that kind of mature discernment yet. Similarly, I don’t think most 18 year olds would be ready for ordination to the priesthood, even if they had all the necessary knowledge. The ink isn’t really dry on your brain at that age.
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EmilyAlexandra
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I’m not a Catholic, but I don’t think this is a question that necessarily has a uniquely Catholic perspective. I got engaged at 19 and married at 21. It was the best decision I ever made. I think I was mature enough to make that decision when I did. Only you know your own level of maturity.
As for your boyfriend being in the military, unless your parents are absolute pacifists, I think that that is a career choice that they should applaud. Those who serve in our armed forces risk life and limb to defend their country and keep peace around the world. I don’t know which country you are from, but wherever it is, your country’s security (and possibly the security of the rest of the world) depends upon the willingness of people like your boyfriend to fight to defend it if necessary. As George Orwell wrote in ‘Notes on Nationalism’, Polemic (May 1945), ‘Those who “abjure” violence can only do so because others are committing violence on their behalf.’ Orwell was certainly familiar with Rudyard Kipling’s observation in the poem ‘Tommy’ (1890), ‘Yes, making mock of uniforms that guard you while you sleep.|Is cheaper than them uniforms, and they are starving cheap.’
My husband and I began “dating” when we were 16 (I put “dating” in quotation marks because this was long before anybody actually used the word “dating”!) In some ways, we are both quite different now compared with how we were back then, but in many ways I think we are exactly the same.
I don’t know you, your parents, or your boyfriend, but it sounds like they are being unfair. My mother doesn’t like my husband. That’s her problem. She doesn’t have any good reasons for not liking him. She’s accused him of everything from having a personality disorder to being a communist.
As for your boyfriend being in the military, unless your parents are absolute pacifists, I think that that is a career choice that they should applaud. Those who serve in our armed forces risk life and limb to defend their country and keep peace around the world. I don’t know which country you are from, but wherever it is, your country’s security (and possibly the security of the rest of the world) depends upon the willingness of people like your boyfriend to fight to defend it if necessary. As George Orwell wrote in ‘Notes on Nationalism’, Polemic (May 1945), ‘Those who “abjure” violence can only do so because others are committing violence on their behalf.’ Orwell was certainly familiar with Rudyard Kipling’s observation in the poem ‘Tommy’ (1890), ‘Yes, making mock of uniforms that guard you while you sleep.|Is cheaper than them uniforms, and they are starving cheap.’
I think you make a fair point, but people change throughout their lives. Unless you are relying on the evidence that the human brain is not fully developed until around age 25, you could equally argue that people are very different at 35 than they are at 25 and so on. I know a couple who married in their 70s. They were both widowed, and no doubt their experience was very different second time around than it was as much younger people. When you get married you, you have to learn how to be adults together. I’m sure that that can be a risk, but it can also be a great joy.
My husband and I began “dating” when we were 16 (I put “dating” in quotation marks because this was long before anybody actually used the word “dating”!) In some ways, we are both quite different now compared with how we were back then, but in many ways I think we are exactly the same.
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EmilyAlexandra
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And yet, arguably, we allow 18-year-olds to make a decision that could affect their lives in much bigger ways than getting married or getting ordained.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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This is true, but at least a 25 year old’s brain is fully formed. They’re typically less impulsive, more stable, and they’ve likely been through enough interactions with the opposite sex that they’ve learned how to avoid the type of person they won’t click with. An 18 year old is much more likely, due to a combination of hormones and lack of life experience, to confuse sexual desire or infatuation for the kind of long term, stable love you can build a marriage on. They’re still doing that thing where they fall in and out of love every two weeks. Again, this obviously isn’t universal, but it’s certainly more common in young people.
All this to say, I don’t think it’s an accident that marriages where the couple is very young are more likely to end in divorce. Obviously this doesn’t mean they all will, but it’ at least suggests that a lot of people aren’t ready for marriage at that age.
I’m not sure what bigger decisions there could be than making a lifelong, permanent commitment like marriage or ordination.
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redcatholic
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I assume you are against him being in the military then.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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No, why would I be?
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redcatholic
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If your argument is that an 18 year old cannot maturely discern marriage or the priesthood then why do you think an 18 year old can take up a rifle and kill or potentially die?
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RolandThompsonGunner
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I think an 18 year old can be in the process of discerning marriage or the priesthood. I don’t think most are ready to conclude that process.
I’m not sure where the military analogy comes in. Enlistments in the military aren’t for life. If in two years he realizes he doesn’t want to stay in, he’s free to not re-enlist. It’s much less of a commitment than marriage or Holy Orders.
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redcatholic
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There is a very real chance they are in “for life”. If an 18 year old is mature enough to say, I could kill another in defense of my country or more to the point “ I could be killed” then that level of discernment or maturity Is no less than saying, “ I love you, let’s follow God’s plan and we have discerned marriage”
Like I said if discerned correctly the age really Doesn’t matter.
Like I said if discerned correctly the age really Doesn’t matter.
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RolandThompsonGunner
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I disagree. It’s the permanent nature that is absent. An 18 year old who joins the Army knows that in a few years, if he regrets his decision, he’s free to get off the ride and there’s no sin involved. It’s totally fine to walk away and not make it a career. Most people who join don’t stay in long enough to retire.
An 18 year old who gets married (or is ordained) is saying “I’m making a commitment that I will not walk away from until I (or my spouse) die.” It’s apples and oranges.
Maybe you were an exceptionally mature 18 year old. They certainly exist. But as I said, I’ve been in the military for a while now and I’ve seen a TON of kids get married before they can legally drink a beer. Very few are still married at 30.
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cjsm93
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At 18, you are legally of age to make this decision on your own. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should brush off the advice given to you by your parents. Part of being an adult is learning how to make a rational decision after taking time for discernment. Some of that includes sitting down and listening to opposing views. Why do your parents not care for your boyfriend? Is it simply because they believe he is rushing into a more serious relationship with you too quickly? Or do they really believe they see a character flaw in him that they think could be potentially damaging to you in the future? I think now is a good time to have another conversation with them about this…one that should not escalate into an argument. Maybe even include your boyfriend in this discussion and allow him to show your parents that his intentions are truly genuine. Do you and your boyfriend have a plan for your lives after the wedding? This is also very important to consider; maybe your parents do not appreciate the thought of having you both move back into the house once you’re married…maybe they want you to have more of a sense of independence before you make such a major decision for your life. Granted, for them to say you shouldn’t marry until you’re 26 is a little extreme, but maybe that is just because they feel as though you’ll have more clarity about what you want for yourself by then.
That being said, it’s not unheard of for young couples to marry at that age, but I do think there will probably be quite a few more challenges to face. You need to be able to work and support yourselves. You need a living wage to survive. These opportunities might be harder to find at your age.
When I was 18, I wanted to go traveling to gain some independence. And I had one heck of a time trying to find a hotel that was willing to rent a room to me, because I was under 21. Even something as simple as that was a struggle. Finding an apartment and a lucrative career while so young will undoubtedly be even more challenging. It’s not impossible, but it is not easy.
Ultimately, what you and your boyfriend decide to do is up to you, since you are both legally able to do so. But I think there is a lot that needs to be discussed and considered before making such a big commitment. And I also think it’s important to give your parents a chance to really explain why they are so concerned.
Best of luck to you both as you discern your future together. God bless
That being said, it’s not unheard of for young couples to marry at that age, but I do think there will probably be quite a few more challenges to face. You need to be able to work and support yourselves. You need a living wage to survive. These opportunities might be harder to find at your age.
When I was 18, I wanted to go traveling to gain some independence. And I had one heck of a time trying to find a hotel that was willing to rent a room to me, because I was under 21. Even something as simple as that was a struggle. Finding an apartment and a lucrative career while so young will undoubtedly be even more challenging. It’s not impossible, but it is not easy.
Ultimately, what you and your boyfriend decide to do is up to you, since you are both legally able to do so. But I think there is a lot that needs to be discussed and considered before making such a big commitment. And I also think it’s important to give your parents a chance to really explain why they are so concerned.
Best of luck to you both as you discern your future together. God bless
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redcatholic
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Why 26? What an odd age to say to wait until. Does it have to do with potential school, graduate school and career establishment. If you have discerned your vocation with this person I can’t imagine 8 years of chastity!
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EmilyAlexandra
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I was thinking that we consider that 18-year-olds are old enough to risk their lives fighting for their country. A 20-year-old could be a platoon or troop commander, surely a huge responsibility. I believe you have said that you are in the military yourself, so you will know this better than anybody.
At university, I knew three guys who went to seminaries to train as Catholic priests and three who went to Sandhurst. Of the three who started training to be priests, one is now a barrister, one works for a supermarket chain, and one works for the Royal College of Physicians. Of the three who went to Sandhurst, one dropped out during training. Another was commissioned and thus committed to a minimum of three years’ service. He realised that the army was not for him and couldn’t wait to get out, but he had to stick it out for three years. In that time, he was promoted to captain and was deployed in the Middle East. That is a big responsibility and a big risk for somebody who doesn’t even want to be in the army. The third absolutely loves the army, graduated top of his year with three separate awards at CGSC, and so on.
P.S. I see that you did comment on this replying to another post above. My point is that it’s all very well saying that one is free to leave the military, but the risks involved are extreme, and one may not have that chance. Several 18-year-old soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq.
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