Should i get married

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Several 18-year-old soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq.

More than “several.” I’m a veteran of both Afghanistan and Iraq. I’m not ignorant of the risks associated with military service (although statistically, there are certainly more dangerous jobs.) I’ve buried friends who were killed in action.

My point is not that 18 year olds can’t make commitments: certainly the military is a big commitment. Much more so than working your average civilian job where you can walk at will. But it’s not a lifelong commitment. It doesn’t permanently change who you are on a fundamental (and for a Catholic, spiritual) level. At the end of the day, I’m skeptical that 18 year olds should be making commitments that are indissoluble and lifelong. The military, for all its unique challenges and commitments, is not. It’s just not. If he wants to walk away from the military when his time is up, he can, and it’s perfectly moral and legal. If he enters into a valid marriage, he can’t walk away under pain of sin. I realize that may not be quite as persuasive to you as a non-Catholic, but it’s a big deal. I’m struggling to think of a bigger deal.

And even then, I’m not saying 18 year olds should be legally barred from getting married. Just that for most couples I would advise against it.

At university, I knew three guys who went to seminaries to train as Catholic priests and three who went to Sandhurst. Of the three who started training to be priests, one is now a barrister, one works for a supermarket chain, and one works for the Royal College of Physicians.

To be clear, my point was that an 18 year old generally shouldn’t be ordained to the priesthood, which is a permanent, lifelong commitment. It sounds like the three guys you knew were never ordained. They decided at some point during the seminary that they weren’t called to the priesthood, which is totally fine. Someone who goes to seminary has merely started the process to becoming a priest. There’s no shame in deciding it’s not what you’re called to do.

 

[mariajose31]

Thank you all for your thoughts and your considerations. My boyfriend and I do plan to discuss everything with my family again. We do have a plan financially and the reason i live with my parents is because my parents dont want me to move away, ive also talked to them about moving out but in our culture we dont move out until we are married. Thank you all again and definitely we have discerned this and prayed about it. we also know that marriage is a commitment and its not easy. and we know marriage is forever

 

[redcatholic]

It sounds like you are really taking this seriously. That’s good! We wish you well!

 

[christianchannel]

yes, just do it!!!

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

A 20-year-old could be a platoon or troop commander, surely a huge responsibility

As an aside, at least in the US, there are no situations in which a 20 year old is leading a platoon or a cavalry troop. Unless those terms mean something different in the U.K armed forces.

 

[TC3033]

EmilyAlexandra:

A 20-year-old could be a platoon or troop commander, surely a huge responsibility

As an aside, at least in the US, there are no situations in which a 20 year old is leading a platoon or a cavalry troop. Unless those terms mean something different in the U.K armed forces.

Ya, I was just coming here to say that too.

An 18 year old who joins the Army knows that in a few years, if he regrets his decision, he’s free to get off the ride and there’s no sin involved. It’s totally fine to walk away and not make it a career. Most people who join don’t stay in long enough to retire.

Agreed, quite a few of us joined for the college benefits… :raising_hand_man:

 

[EmilyAlexandra]

I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that the number of 18-year-old soldiers killed was negligible. Overall, the number of deaths of US soldiers was about 10 times greater than the number of British deaths (about twice as many per capita), so the number would presumably be quite high.

You are right that there are more dangerous jobs than serving in the armed forces, e.g. many jobs in construction, agriculture, and transport. The difference is that there are some jobs where the danger is inherent in the nature of the job, e.g. the armed forces or being a police officer or firefighter. People who are killed in construction, agriculture, or transport are killed by accidents, i.e. events that could not be foreseen or which were preventable. In the armed forces, it is in the very nature of the job that you may be placed in a situation in which people are trying to kill you.

I take the point that there is also a theological dimension to the question. I guess if you are weighing up your earthly life against your eternal salvation, your eternal salvation is probably more important.

As an aside, at least in the US, there are no situations in which a 20 year old is leading a platoon or a cavalry troop. Unless those terms mean something different in the U.K armed forces.

I could be wrong. It’s perfectly feasible to be a lieutenant in the British army (equivalent to a 1st lieutenant in the US army) by the age of 20. Many choose to go to university before the army, so obviously do not receive their commission until age 22 or 23. However, the promotion from lieutenant to captain is quicker for university graduates.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

I could be wrong. It’s perfectly feasible to be a lieutenant in the British army (equivalent to a 1st lieutenant in the US army) by the age of 20. Many choose to go to university before the army, so obviously do not receive their commission until age 22 or 23. However, the promotion from lieutenant to captain is quicker for university graduates.

For the vast majority of avenues to becoming a commissioned officer in the US Armed Forces, a university degree is a prerequiste. There are very rare situations in which someone can commission into a Reserve unit after finishing two years of college, with the understanding that they have to finish their degree while serving in the Reserves.

Practically speaking, there are no (or vanishingly few) situations in which someone could complete their university education, all their military training, and report to an operational unit as a platoon leader by 20.

 

[Nononony]

I know a pretty sizable number of people who met very young, were engaged at 18 and married between 19 and 21. The vast majority of them eventually reached a point in their marriage where they looked at their spouse and thought to themselves, “what the heck did I do!?!?!” Some of them divorced, some of them stayed married but were miserable, and some came out on the other side still married and very very happy.

But you know what? That story is true of almost every married couple I know no matter what age they married because for almost everyone, at one point or another, marriage is very VERY hard!

If you can face that reality and feel sure then you probably have as good a chance as any, but please be sure you make the final decision on your own without the weight of outside influence, including that of your intended spouse.

Good luck!

 

[Peeps]

Why would a young woman who is still supported by her family not be ready for marriage?

My opinion, but I think it will be shared by many Americans. ANYONE who gets married–man or women–should be capable of supporting themselves and living on their own without ANY assistance, financial or otherwise from Mom and Dad or other family.

Of course it’s great if Mom and Dad invite their newly-married daughter or son over to dinner once a week and give them a big packet of leftovers to take home “so it won’t be wasted.” Of course it’s great if Dad comes over to help his son or daughter fix a toilet that leaking, or put together the IKEA bookcases. I would even say it’s OK for parents and their adult children to share lawn mowers and other equipment.

But…if a couple is relying on Mom and Dad for the basics–food, housing, medical care, insurance, etc.—that’s not good, at least not in the U.S. A married couple should have their ducks in a row, and even if they are living cheap and eating Ramen noodles 5X a week and watching TV at the library–that’s fine as long as they are living on their own dime, working hard to bring home incomes, and building their OWN home and family, not just living off of Mom and Dad’s income like little kids pretending to be married.

I am aware that other cultures do not view marriage this same way–newly-married couples live with extended family, and everyone chips in to make the home. But this is NOT the norm in the U.S… Perhaps it is becoming the norm. But generally speaking, young marred couples break the financial ties with Mom and Dad and start living on their own, free and independent.

 

[AdamP88]

I am aware that other cultures do not view marriage this same way–newly-married couples live with extended family, and everyone chips in to make the home. But this is NOT the norm in the U.S… Perhaps it is becoming the norm. But generally speaking, young marred couples break the financial ties with Mom and Dad and start living on their own, free and independent.

In Ireland it’s becoming increasingly common for married couples to live with their parents rent free in order to save for a mortgage as it’s increasingly difficult. I also get the impression that it’s less of a big deal in Ireland for an unmarried adult child to live with their parents.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

I also get the impression that it’s less of a big deal in Ireland for an unmarried adult child to live with their parents.

In the US there’s kind of a stigma about it, assuming the adult child isn’t supporting a disabled parent or something. People may assume that the adult child is lazy and is unable or unwilling to leave the nest and support themselves.

 

[AdamP88]

In the US there’s kind of a stigma about it, assuming the adult child isn’t supporting a disabled parent or something. People may assume that the adult child is lazy and is unable or unwilling to leave the nest and support themselves.

It’s kinda just another option here. many parents are glad of the company. I know a single guy on quite a sizeable income who works in the legal profession and lives with his parents.

 

[Raxus]

I’d say go for it, with pre-marriage counseling in the Church first. The fact that he’s military should have no bearing on whether or not he’s fit for marriage.

 

[Anicette]

The fact that he’s military should have no bearing on whether or not he’s fit for marriage.

No, the fact that he is in the military is something to consider and discern carrefully. The husband would likely to go to mission for long periods and would be unavailable for his family during this time. Is the future wife wants this life? Is she feels able to manage the children and the household alone?

Is she has consider and accept that her husband can die or be severly injured?

Has the fiancé just entered the military or he has some “experience”? Is the man enough strong psychologically to support some difficult situations? Some soldiers end up with post traumatic stress…And it is something that the family would have to bear…

 

[EmilyAlexandra]

It’s a little different here, as about 20% of officers are non-graduates who enter RMA Sandhurst direct from school (Prince Harry being a famous example recently). I don’t believe that there are any statistics that distinguish between the educational backgrounds of graduate and non-graduate officers, but I think it is reasonable to assume that most of those entering direct from school will have attended a public school. Overall, the army is now boasting that 51% of officers were educated at state schools, although this is not much to boast about when you consider that 93% of people in the UK attend state schools. The Royal Navy and Royal Air Force have a notably more egalitarian intake.

 

[Peeps]

It’s kinda just another option here. many parents are glad of the company. I know a single guy on quite a sizeable income who works in the legal profession and lives with his parents.

It’s definitely a switch in American culture. I remember as a young teenaged girl, only 14 yrs old, planning with my best friend (also a teen girl, age 14) to move to an apartment when we turned 18. We started buying pots and pans and other household items at yard sales (yes, at age 14!) in preparation for our moving away from our parents, and we talked all the time about how we would fix up our apartment and how we would divide up the cooking and other chores, and where we would find jobs to pay our own way. The idea of being independent of our parents was our DREAM!

One of my favorite TV shows around that time was That Girl, starring Marlo Thomas as Ann Marie, a young actress (fresh out of college, or possibly even high school!). Ann moved away from her parents’ home in New Jersey to New York City–the opening theme was absolutely what all of us teenagers wanted back then–to take a train (or other transportation) away from our home and hometown, and be LIVING ON OUR OWN in a different town or city!

Of course I know now that Ann probably got financial help from her parents, as her acting career didn’t seem to bring in the Big Bucks! My daughter moved to New York City after she finished grad school and had been hired by a director to stage manage a show. She thought she had a place to stay lined up, but when she knocked on the door, her friend told her that they already had a roomie and that there wasn’t any more room. So along in NYC at age 23, wheeling a large suitcase around, my daughter had to find a place to stay! Thankfully she had several contacts in the city, so she started calling those contacts and within a short time, had a temp lodging.

SO…it seems that my generation and my daughter’s generation (early Millenials, born in the mid 1980s) BOTH had the ambition and ability to live on our own in a city that we didn’t grow up in.

BUT…it seems that the current generation has no desire to leave home, take risks, make their own way, go live in a new place, et.

I feel sorry for this generation. It’s a wonderful thing to make your own way in this world. Succeeding in finding a place to stay in one of the world’s largest and busiest citiies gave my daughter a feeling of strength and confidence that I don’t think she would have if she simply stayed in her childhood bedroom at our house and got a job teaching theater (Godspell and Sound of Music alternating) at a local Christian school.

Same for my younger daughter. She went to college in a large city, and got a job coaching (6 days a week!), and she loved it! She loved driving around that huge city and getting to know the different neighborhoods, and she is still coaching at that rink–many of the skaters grew up with her as their coach and love her! And she loves them and keeps up with them. I don’t think this would have happened had she lived at home and coached at our local rink.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I don’t know you, your parents, or your boyfriend, but it sounds like they are being unfair. My mother doesn’t like my husband. That’s her problem. She doesn’t have any good reasons for not liking him. She’s accused him of everything from having a personality disorder to being a communist.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this.

You’re definitely not alone, though.

Both my husband and I have had to deal with this, with both sides of our families.

We’ve been married a long time, and for either of us, it wouldn’t have mattered who we would have seemingly married.

Both of our Mothers probably wouldn’t have liked anyone that either of us would have married, because that person would have taken us away from our Mothers.

We both believe that our Mothers wanted really wanted us both to stay at home with them and to live out out lives with them, not wanting either of us to get married to anyone else at all.

My Mother was angry at me that I got married, and when I went to try and talk to her about the situation and about her anger, her reasons for me to not get married, really didn’t make any sense to me.

She had told me that she was afraid that I would make the same mistakes in my marriage that she had made with my Father–they had ended up getting divorced.

I had asked her if she couldn’t just be happy for me, but she had nothing to say to that at the time.

She wouldn’t really talk to my husband for the first two years of our marriage.

It made things really stressful for us whenever there were any kinds of holiday and family gatherings.

My husband had never done anything for her to personally dislike him, either.

The one thing that had comforted me is that my other extended family members had been kind to him, like my maternal Gramma and her sister–my Great Aunt–so I know that whatever was happening were issues that our Mothers had going on within themselves.

 

[UncleGranpa03]

Listen to your heart and to what your conscience tells you. If you truly love him, you should want to spend your life with HIM without caring about the opinions of others. I will keep you and your intentions in my prayers! God Bless!!(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

 

[sorrowful1]

18 would be too young. I mean, of course, there’s no age bar to make a person feel “wanting to get married” but getting married and actually being in its commitment is a different thing. A lot of my friends “fell in love” and married at 18, and now, half of them lead a not-so-happy life. Others have divorced.

At eighteen, I used to feel like I know everything and that I can “handle” anything but little did I know that I was just a “lamb” back then. At eighteen, anything my mom or dad said would make me explode.

I’m not saying you’re the same but now that I’m 28, I’ve realized that the advice of parents should always be received like you’d receive gold albeit without a price tag. No one will do that for you. Not even best friends.

That said, I’d like to suggest you to learn/study/explore many many more things in this world – trust me, it’s very rewarding-- before you get into a marriage.