Should I insist on raising our kid Catholic?

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Curious

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Hey

My husband and I have a girl who will be 3 in August. I want very much to get her baptized and raise her Catholic. My husband (non Catholic) is against this.

Do I have an obligation to do it anyway? Well, it wouldn’t be an obligation. It would be an utter joy.

A little background here: we’ve been married 10 years as of May 28. Our marriage is on extremely shaky ground right now. And just as we were about to go to marriage counseling, he suffered a bad break of his leg, had surgery, and can’t bear weight on that leg for 12 weeks total (he has 6 to go). As soon as he gets better, we’re going, and since he’s improving every day, I might just drag him out to go before his 6 weeks are up. He’s got a wheelchair.

Anyway, my husband is a non Catholic Christian but hasn’t been to church in ages. He wavers between trying to find a church to get involved in and being a “I can love and worship God at home” type of guy.

I’ve said to him, “Look, you’re not doing anything that I can see, I’m raising her Catholic. Deal with it.” But I’m not sure I’ll actually do that. We’re on the brink of divorce…and the stuff leading up to this is long and tedious to talk about. I wonder if I should just wait and not make things worse. But I feel like I’m going to do this no matter what.

Sorry…that got longer than what I thought it would be.

Any advice?
 
Curious said:
Hey

My husband and I have a girl who will be 3 in August. I want very much to get her baptized and raise her Catholic. My husband (non Catholic) is against this.

Do I have an obligation to do it anyway? Well, it wouldn’t be an obligation. It would be an utter joy.

A little background here: we’ve been married 10 years as of May 28. Our marriage is on extremely shaky ground right now. And just as we were about to go to marriage counseling, he suffered a bad break of his leg, had surgery, and can’t bear weight on that leg for 12 weeks total (he has 6 to go). As soon as he gets better, we’re going, and since he’s improving every day, I might just drag him out to go before his 6 weeks are up. He’s got a wheelchair.

Anyway, my husband is a non Catholic Christian but hasn’t been to church in ages. He wavers between trying to find a church to get involved in and being a “I can love and worship God at home” type of guy.

I’ve said to him, “Look, you’re not doing anything that I can see, I’m raising her Catholic. Deal with it.” But I’m not sure I’ll actually do that. We’re on the brink of divorce…and the stuff leading up to this is long and tedious to talk about. I wonder if I should just wait and not make things worse. But I feel like I’m going to do this no matter what.

Sorry…that got longer than what I thought it would be.

Any advice?
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I

I note in your profile, you say you are Catholic. I don’t know the background of your marriage, ie. in the Church or elsewhere, but if in the Church, your husband would have had to promise your children would be raised Catholic. If not married in the Church, you still do have an obligation to raise your children Catholic and get yourself back to the Church if you have left her.
 
Hi Curious,
do you attend Mass on Sundays? Do you take your daughter with you on such occasions? What does your husband say when you go to church? I understand that he is not attending church service at a Catholic or other church himself, but is he trying to stop/prohibit you and your daughter from going to the Catholic church? I wonder whether it would be possible to keep a “low profile” and just attend services quietly, without getting into discussions or arguments with your husband. Say, if you get ready to leave on a Sunday morning with your daughter, and simply say something like “Bye, dear, we are going to church. We’ll be back around noon” - what kind of reaction would you expect? Will your husband get upset with you? Perhaps your best bet to baptize your daughter is a similar approach, keep a low profile, and ask your priest to baptize her quietly, without any publicity.

In my opinion it is very, very important that you have your daughter baptized, and give her a religious upbringing. If she will grow up un-baptized and without attending church service regularly, every week, there will be nothing to protect her when she will be an adult and exposed to the un-godly ways of the world. I grew up in a very poor family but the major gift I inherited from my mother is my faith, and I am a lot better off and a lot happier than many other people who received material riches but no faith from their parents. Really, a good Catholic upbringing is about the best thing you can do for your daughter.
 
Raise the kid Catholic! 🙂 There’s nothing more important than the soul! And nothing more beautiful or healthy than a soul raised closer to God!
 
Yes, you should do everything in your power to raise you child in the Catholic Church.
 
I just became Catholic on Easter (last month) and I’ve been going to mass, sometimes taking the kid with me. (she goes to nursery) He’s okay with that. He doesn’t care about that. He cares about her going through with the sacraments and being taught Catholic doctrine.
 
Curious said:
I just became Catholic on Easter (last month) and I’ve been going to mass, sometimes taking the kid with me. (she goes to nursery) He’s okay with that. He doesn’t care about that. He cares about her going through with the sacraments and being taught Catholic doctrine.
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Curious, I know you’ve been posting here for some time but I don’t know what if any religious tradition you came from. Did you and your husband have discussions about what kind of religious education you would provide your children before you had any?
 
elts1956 said:
I

I note in your profile, you say you are Catholic. I don’t know the background of your marriage, ie. in the Church or elsewhere, but if in the Church, your husband would have had to promise your children would be raised Catholic. If not married in the Church, you still do have an obligation to raise your children Catholic and get yourself back to the Church if you have left her.
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Exactly! You have an obligation to raise your daughter Catholic, it’s not a choice.

If your husband isn’t involved with any church and his free time right now have him take a look at davidmacd.com/catholic/index2.htm it has a lot of good information on there for Non-Catholic Christians.
 
Curious said:
I just became Catholic on Easter (last month) and I’ve been going to mass, sometimes taking the kid with me. (she goes to nursery) He’s okay with that. He doesn’t care about that. He cares about her going through with the sacraments and being taught Catholic doctrine.
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This is a difficult situation. On one hand, you changed the game on him in the middle. He did not marry a Catholic, he did not have children with a Catholic. Suddenly, you are Catholic.

The smartest thing to do is to sit down and discuss this in counseling with your Priest.
 
Counseling is a must.

Would your husband be willing to read Catholicism for Dummies or a similar book, so he can understand why giving your daughter the Sacraments is so important to you?
 
When the two of you married, did your husband know that you were Catholic, or did you convert after you were married? Your husband needs to understand that if you are Catholic you have a religious OBLIGATION to raise your daughter in the faith. It’s totally out of his hands at that point. You both have the right to contribute to what’s good for your daughter, and if you see the importance of religion in your daughter’s life and he doesn’t, you have the right to pursue that. This is a wonderful topic to bring up at marriage counseling, but you have the obligation to raise your daughter Catholic. Good luck!
 
Curious said:
I just became Catholic on Easter (last month) and I’ve been going to mass, sometimes taking the kid with me. (she goes to nursery) He’s okay with that. He doesn’t care about that. He cares about her going through with the sacraments and being taught Catholic doctrine.
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It really doesn’t matter what he “cares” about, all that really matters is the Truth of Jesus Christ! Jesus told us to be baptized

"“I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry; **he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” (Mt 3:11) **

The Church teaches us in the Catechism "The Lord himself affirms that Baptism is necessary for salvation. He also commands his disciples to proclaim the Gospel to all nations and to baptize them. Baptism is necessary for salvation for those to whom the Gospel has been proclaimed and who have had the possibility of asking for this sacrament. The Church does not know of any means other than Baptism that assures entry into eternal beatitude; this is why she takes care not to neglect the mission she has received from the Lord to see that all who can be baptized are “reborn of water and the Spirit.” (CCC 1257).

If he loves you and your daughter, he would want the best for you both, even if he doesn’t understand or agree. If your marriage is “shaky” pray for grace but by all means baptize your baby!!!

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark
 
I agree that you should talk to your priest, especially if your marriage is on shaky ground, and if you are a convert who did not promise to raise all children Catholic when you married. This is probably too complicated for those of us on an Internet forum to adequately evaluate and advise.

I would say that you should encourage that the children be raised Catholic with all the loving force that your marriage can bear. Beyond that, talk to your priest. And pray. A lot. God may send His Holy Spirit to give you the words He wants you to speak to open your husband’s heart.

You may also want to check out “The Love Dare” book, like in the Fireproofed movie. The best way to change your husband and your marriage is to first change yourself, so that through the grace of God you can love more fully. And if you can have your husband attend counseling with you without risking his health, do so! Just make sure the counselor you speak with is not hasty to recommend divorce.
 
First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your marriage. But don’t lose hope! Maybe, for all you know, Catholicism might re-ignite your marriage.

And as for raising your child Catholic, yes you have an obligation to do that, and yes it is important. Think of all the joys that could be brought to her through the sacraments that would be lost to her if she “worshipped at home.”

Just a question, were you and your husband married in the Catholic Church?
 
I see from Curious’ post that she only became Catholic on the Easter of 2009, one month ago. Thus, they were obviously not married in the Catholic Church 10 years ago, and Catholic upbringing of the child was not discussed 3 years ago, when the child was born. As Kage ar said, this is a difficult situation because Curious changed the game on her husband. He did not marry a Catholic, and they initially didn’t plan to raise their children Catholic. Just like many Protestants are full of misconceptions about the Catholic Church and are very anti-Catholic, the same could be true of Curious’ husband.

Curious, I think Wanner47’s advice is a good one, if only your husband would be willing to invest some energy and read a book such as Catholicism for dummies, to educate himself and clear up his misconceptions about the Catholic Church. If he doesn’t want your daughter to learn Catholic doctrine, it is probably because he believes what many Protestants believe, that the Catholic Church is in error and teaches man-made doctrines. Perhaps you could try to challenge him intellectually, to learn about the Catholic Church and make an educated judgment, rather than condemning it hastily.

Regarding attending church with your daughter, that’s definitely very fortune that your husband doesn’t mind it. We must form good habits in children, whether it’s about brushing their teeth and washing their hands regularly, or attending church on Sundays. I understand that the disagreements with your husband will come about things such as baptizing your daughter, and I guess her first Holy Communion which is still some 3 years away. Regarding the baptism, I wonder whether your husband would listen to the argument that Jesus Christ himself instructed us to be baptized, and most Protestant denominations believe this and baptize their members. Was your husband baptized, himself?
 
Some more background. My husband and I were married (both baptized believers) in a rather fundamentalist non-denom charismatic church. We were both sort of Bible thumping in those days.

He’s really come around a lot. He went from saying my converting would “destroy our marriage” and “I don’t think you’re a Christian anymore” to "I wish I could come with you (to see me confirmed at Easter Vigil - he couldn’t get out because of the broken leg) to “I might start “those classes” in July (Inquiry).” I don’t think he really feels a call to convert as much as he desperately wants us in church together.

Because of him, I have restrained myself from teaching my daughter the sign of the cross and getting her a “kid” rosary. Every time I bring it up and try to discuss it, it’s “Not now…please…not now. I’m not getting into this now.”

That baby isn’t getting any younger. She’s growing up and changing right before our eyes every day, and I’m tired of waiting on him to figure out if he’s going to “allow” me to introduce her to the most holy faith. I want that kid baptized, like, yesterday.

But looking through his eyes then, he would have to sort of sit by helplessly while I march my baby off to mass and get her all soaking wet and baptized and full of Catholic habits and he doesn’t know much about it, doesn’t know if he agrees with it, and feels like he has no say whatsoever about the religion of his child.

I had myself pretty darned good confession yesterday. It was face to face, something I never thought I’d do, and I told my priest that I was very close to divorce and while I didn’t know if just thinking about it was exactly a sin, I thought I’d mention it. His expression changed. Thunder and lightening began to roll. His voice deepened by about 100000 octaves. YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO MAKE IT WORK!!

Lol…okay…so it wasn’t quite like that. But sort of. So I’m clenching my teeth and trying to be nice until we can get to a marriage counselor. So I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good by bringing it up, even though I think I’m being pretty civil.

Somebody said this is probably too complex for an internet forum and they’re probably right. But I really appreciate everyone’s support and all.

Thanks

Curious
 
Obviously it’s important to have your child baptized as soon as possible. But since it’s been so long already, you might want to trust in God and wait a little more for Him to bring your husband over to your way of thinking, before pushing further. It’s very desirable to have your husband on board, and obviously you want to stay married! Also, if your kid still has a few years before being old enough for Confession and First Communion, you’ve got some time before the kid hits the age of reason and starts worrying about this big time.

So yeah, I’d say that if your husband is planning on taking RCIA, and if he has no problem with you taking the child to church with you, you can probably hold the rest in abeyance for a while. It’s not ideal, but you’re describing a very difficult situation. (Make sure you know how to baptize in case of dire emergency, of course.)

St. Jerome said that living with a Catholic family member was almost the same as being a catechumen, and he said that to a lady about her dad who was a pagan Roman priest! So don’t despair.
 
Curious said:
Hey

Do I have an obligation to do it anyway? Well, it wouldn’t be an obligation. It would be an utter joy.

Any advice?
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yes you promised at her baptism to raise her Catholic, you made that promise to God before the entire Church.

if you married in the Church, or plan to be, you also promise to accept children God sends you and to raise them Catholic, and your spouse must be informed of that promise and of your firm intent to carry it out.

If he has changed the ground rules now that you have a child, that is indeed matter for counselling, and I hope you get on with it. I further hope that during this time of his recuperation, God works in both of you through his suffering and your loving care of him, to bring you closer to Himself and to each other.
 
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