Should I invite my gay cousin's live-in partner to my wedding?

[shelby_sun]

He’s your cousin. Invite his partner also. You’re family. If you don’t stick together, who else will?

True. Plus do you know for a fact they are having sexual relations any more than you are? You said you don’t believe in premarital sex, so how would you feel if someone didn’t invite you because they assumed you were already having sex before marriage?

Doesn’t the church now recognize homosexuality as long as they are abstaining for sexual relations? That my seem soft, but if they have never talked about it, you should give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

[MSSheBear]

I would address the invitation to both your cousin and his partner. You risk antagonizing your cousin by proving what a bigot you and so forth. Presumably, they don’t have the option to marry, at least they didn’t use to. Honestly, if some relative was married invalidly would you leave their spouse off? If his behavior offends you that much don’t invite him at all.

FYI: I have been the occasional victim of someone adding my name to my parent’s invitation as an adult living elsewhere. I assumed the issuer was clueless as to where I lived. But I also assumed the person was just adding me as a matter of courtesy and not any real desire to have me attend. No, I did not take it well.

 

[aemcpa]

FYI: I have been the occasional victim of someone adding my name to my parent’s invitation as an adult living elsewhere. I assumed the issuer was clueless as to where I lived. But I also assumed the person was just adding me as a matter of courtesy and not any real desire to have me attend. No, I did not take it well.

“Victim”? #firstworldproblems

 

[aemcpa]

Doesn’t the church now recognize homosexuality as long as they are abstaining for sexual relations?

Not sure what you mean by this, but the Church has always distinguished between disordered sexual inclinations, which are not sinful, and extra-marital sexual acts, which are sinful. But living in a “committed relationship” as a homosexual couple is scandalous and wrongly implies that such a relationship is properly ordered toward romantic love, the ultimate end of which is sexual intercourse in the context of marriage.

 

[MSSheBear]

I say “victim” I found it demeaning. If I am an adult I deserve my own invitation. If you can’t be bothered to ask for my address why bother inviting me? Seriously, if you have to put adult children on the parent’s invitation you should rethink whether you really want to invite them.

 

[aemcpa]

I say “victim” I found it demeaning. If I am an adult I deserve my own invitation. If you can’t be bothered to ask for my address why bother inviting me? Seriously, if you have to put adult children on the parent’s invitation you should rethink whether you really want to invite them.

Some people you just have to invite. Seriously, I wouldn’t invite my brothers to some parties if I didn’t have to. But I do agree that for something as formal as a wedding, you should put in the effort to track down correct names and addresses, who is married/engaged, what their names are, etc.

 

[PatriceA]

He’s your cousin. Invite his partner also. You’re family. If you don’t stick together, who else will?

Then invite ALL the significant others of ALL the family and friends. You don’t make an exception for one couple just because they are in a homosexual relationship. I’d be extremely upset if I was in a serious relationship but wasn’t allowed to bring my SO but the gay cousin was allowed to bring his partner because the OP was afraid of upsetting the cousin.

You either stick to the rule of no significant others unless engaged or married, or you allow everyone to bring a date.

 

[twf]

These sorts of questions seem to come up a lot on CAF. I agree that as Catholics we want to witness and live our faith and not cause scandal. I also agree that Scripture commands us to correct, in love, our brothers when they go astray. That being said, it does NOT command us to correct non-believers…we are to witness to them, but we are to meet them where they are rather than attempting to “discipline” them for sins that they don’t even recognize as sins. Jesus rebuked Peter when he sinned because Peter recognized sin as sin and Peter had chosen to follow Christ…but He also gladly ate with tax collectors and prostitutes - building relationships with them in order to bring about a change in their lifestyle by His witness. I agree that the OP has the right to invite or not invite whoever she likes to her own wedding…but I disagree with posters who suggest that a Catholic is obliged to “discipline” relatives by excluding their partners based on the morality of their personal affairs. If these relatives do not recognize Catholic teaching, I do not see how any good could come of it - other than to alienate them and sabatage any chance of building relationships and witnessing the Gospel to them in the future. Isn’t it akin to telling non-Catholics on the street that they are not welcome to attend mass until they repent of their sins (which they do not, as of yet, even recognize as sins)…rather than inviting them, sins and all, and allowing the Holy Spirit to convict them in His own time?

In all of these examples, everyone is discussing gay partners and straight live in partners. What about divorced and remarried couples? From a Catholic perspective this is also gravely immoral. The same posters who excluded non-married couples, did you also exclude all relatives who were on their second or third marriages? Maybe things are different in the United States, but here in Canada you are very hard pressed to find anyone who does not have relatives in these irregular moral situations…simply because the culture no longer recognizes sin as sin. If I were to exclude the partners of relatives in immoral relationships from my future wedding, I would alienate and gravely offend the following relatives - ending all chances of continuing to witness Christ to them:

1. My grandfather (divorced and remarried - not a Catholic - but from a Catholic perspective a gravely sinful situation)
2. My Aunt C - gay partner
3. My Aunt S - third husband
4. My Aunt R - live in boyfriend of many years (8 and counting - no plans of ever marrying though he is very much part of the family on every level)
5. Various cousins in similar situations…

If the rest of you aren’t in the same boat as me - and the vast majority of your relatives are life long Catholics faithful to their first marriage…I am very, very envious… but my wedding would be pretty small if I applied the principles espoused here…and my family would be torn apart. Mostof my relatives are not Catholic - and even if they are - they certainly don’t believe their situations to be immoral…me excluding their partners will not convince them otherwise.

 

[Rence]

Hi,

I am having lots of inner conflict about whether or not I should invite my adult gay cousin’s live-in partner to my wedding.

My family (and I) are all practicing Catholics who are in line with all the Church’s teachings on pre-marital sex and cohabiting (whether hetero- or homo-), and wish to be a good example in this regard by not affirming these lifestyles. (The fact that they are gay, though, and not just a guy and girl shacking up, makes everything even more complicated).

We have come up with a rule for invitees: No significant others unless they are engaged or married.

I kind of don’t get how that serves as a living example of your faith and the Church’s teachings. I’d sure invite all of those people you wish to exclude, so you can show them the way. If they’re not included how will they witness your faith?

 

[losh14]

First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I’ll keep you and your fiancee in my prayers for blessings over your life together.

This is a quandary to be sure but not one that is unresolvable. It is your wedding day, you’re allowed to invite who you wish and no one has reason to take offense provided that you are consistent and fair. Oh, people take offense at stupid things at weddings - my aunt, who is also my godmother, refused to come because we didn’t give her some way of helping out (she has a way of taking over things, too). It’s not unusual to ask for adults only - my cousin last summer offered free babysitting (worked out great) at his out-of-town wedding to the rest of the family who have kids. And I don’t think it’s unfair to ask only for engaged or spouses to be brought - that keeps single adults from the pressure of having to find a date, and it also keeps that random boy or girl who is a summer fling from showing up in the family photo (ahem to the same cousin who got married last summer - we had to photoshop his wife in from our wedding a few years back).

Here’s what I would do: send an invitation to your cousin, addressed to your cousin alone. If you have single invitations (ie, that have “Yes I will attend / No, I regret I cannot come” versus "Number of attending: ____ "), send him one of these, and send all of your unmarried, unengaged cousins one of these. Adults understand that leaving off “and guest” from the address isn’t being rude, but rather a matter of practicality, especially if the bride and groom are young.

That said, for older relatives and friends, include “and guest” if they’re local. What’s a good cutoff? 20s get invited on their own, 40s get “and guest”. Between? Case by case if you need to. It can get tricky - don’t invite the summer fling who isn’t going to be around in six months but don’t make a widower or divorcee come alone.

What if your cousin brings his/her live-in gay lover? I hope they enjoy themselves and that no one should make a big deal out of it. The day is about you and your husband, and no guest should be allowed to spoil that. I mean NO GUEST. My own stepmother, my father’s wife, nearly caused a scene at our wedding because she was drunk, her mother was in the hospital 300 miles away, and she didn’t think I gave enough of an homage to my father in my speech welcoming the guests (I’m the public speaker in the family).

 

[Lorelei12]

If I were to exclude the partners of relatives in immoral relationships from my future wedding, I would alienate and gravely offend the following relatives - ending all chances of continuing to witness Christ to them

It doesn’t need to have anything to do with “immoral relationships”. Most couples planning a wedding have to draw the line somewhere and many cannot afford to invite everyone with a guest. If the OP is not planning on inviting anyone not married or engaged, why would she need to make an exception based upon sexual orientation?

For us, married/engaged was the easiest way to keep our guest list where we could afford to have it. We also did not want to be in the position of judging whose dating relationships were more important- those living together or not? My husband and I did not live together before we married, but it didn’t make our relationship any less loving than couples who did. We were not trying to “exclude people in immoral relationships”, but if you don’t believe cohabitation is moral or smart, why would you elevate it to a different status than any other dating relationship?

 

[aemcpa]

I will say that inviting somebody to your wedding does not imply acceptance of their relationship status the way that, for example, attending an invalid wedding ceremony would. You are inviting people to share in the joy of YOUR relationship.

How many people on your guest list have live-in partners to whom they are neither engaged nor married? Practically speaking, it may not be worth the fight over just 1 or 2 more guests. If it’s 10, then a) SMH at the world, and b) you have the legs to stand on if you say, “I didn’t invite 10 other SOs who are straight, so you’re not being singled out.”

 

[PatriceA]

I will say that inviting somebody to your wedding does not imply acceptance of their relationship status the way that, for example, attending an invalid wedding ceremony would. You are inviting people to share in the joy of YOUR relationship.

How many people on your guest list have live-in partners to whom they are neither engaged nor married? Practically speaking, it may not be worth the fight over just 1 or 2 more guests. If it’s 10, then a) SMH at the world, and b) you have the legs to stand on if you say, “I didn’t invite 10 other SOs who are straight, so you’re not being singled out.”

Exactly! I would take out the sexual orientation question out of the equation and just concentrate on the number of guests I can invite to my wedding. If my guest list can theoretically cover the number of SOs, then I’d invite the gay cousin and his partner. If my budget can’t handle the number of SOs, then SOs don’t get invited regardless of their sexual orientation. That way no one can say it was because a relative is in a homosexual relationship.

 

[Mangaartist]

As a single adult (WAY over the age of 21!!) I would probably not attend if I could not bring a guest. A guest for me might be a male friend or a female friend, not necessarily a boyfriend.

If you can’t afford for someone you invite to bring a guest, I would think it would be best to not invite that person at all. Or if you don’t want someone to bring their “live-in” companion, then it would be best to not invite the person at all.

If this cousin is an important relative to you and you want them at your wedding, I would think you will have to invite his “guest” to the wedding as well.

Besides the issue of being able to afford it, many people just don’t want people they don’t know at their wedding. DH and I also made this decision (no +guest in any invitation, we invited married couples by both of their names) for both of those reasons. An invitation is an invitation to the person, and I don’t think it’s entirely reasonable to expect your friends to invite a stranger with you, especially if they are having a small wedding. The invited person I assume isn’t going to have a good time with their guest, but to celebrate the wedding taking place. And it’s not like it would be an inconvenience to leave their guest at home. I would understand someone not attending if their children or relative who they have to care for (e.g. bedridden but can get around in a wheelchair, but would need a hired nurse if she was to stay at home) was not invited, but not going because they can’t take a guest of their choice is weird.

 

[ishnianqueen]

To the OP: If you stick to your guns and invite only fiance(e)s and spouses of your family and other invitees, then it’s a non-issue. We did it for our wedding, and if they have a problem with it even after you explain it that way (there were plenty of live-in couples that we invited only one half of), then it’s best not to have them there anyway.

To the people complaining about not getting their own invitations or not going because they can’t bring guests: etiquette may dictate one thing for the couple to do, but it also dictates that you not throw hissy-fits about faux-pas. Seriously, especially if you’re related to the person whose wedding it is, not going simply because you didn’t get your own card or can’t bring someone is petty. It’s not about you, it’s about celebrating the beginning of a new family. It’s not like you won’t know anyone, and unless you’re very sentimental you’re just going to toss the invite afterwards anyway. And technically, etiquette states that anyone over the age of 16 gets their own invite, and when you consider how many people in their late teens and early twenties are living at home, going to college and living in temporary residences, or changing addresses due to roommate situations/job transfers/salary vs. rent needs, it gets ridiculous with how many invites go to the same address. Besides, these rules were made when it was common for grown children to live with parents until marriage and for the wealthier classes at that. Cut them some slack. For all you know, they messed up too many of the envelopes while hand-writing the addresses and had to consolidate just so they could actually send them.

 

[PaulGH]

Here is what I think my wife and I would do, if we were to plan our wedding all over again, and which I think could provide a solution for your situation:

1. 
   *]For married couples, send an invitation to the couple, that mentions both names. For example, address the invitation to “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.” (You could optionally do the same for engaged couples, without the “Mr. and Mrs.” of course.)
   *]For singles who are clearly not dating (e.g., an elderly widowed aunt), send an invitation mentioning that person only.
   *]For singles who are dating or who might be dating, send an invitation for the person plus a guest. For example, address the invitation to “John Doe and Guest.”
   
   If you do this, then you could include your cousin and his partner in category #3. That way the partner can come, but it is the cousin’s choice whether or not to bring him.
   
   However, depending on our relationship with the cousin and the partner, there is also a good chance that we would just invite them both by name. Yes, what they are doing is wrong, but your cousin’s partner is important to him, and I think that inviting him might be the most charitable thing to do.

 

[eonporter]

Don’t forget the sin underlying this issue which is **sexual immorality.
**
If your cousin was cohabiting with a woman, would you consider them a family unit?

If the answer is “yes” then you should consider his gay partner as family too, because the sin is the same.

 

[mcc804]

Don’t forget the sin underlying this issue which is **sexual immorality.
**
IIf the answer is “yes” then you should consider his gay partner as family too, because the sin is the same.

Actually, I don’t believe that in matter of degree that that in fact correct. Sins are not all the same in the Catholic understanding of things. That’s why we have mortal and venial sins. There are also sins that are against the natural moral law and some that are not but are sinful for other reasons.

Check out the Catechism of the Catholic Church for further clarification.

As far as this problem … the point about all the invalidly married relatives is a pertinent one as well. But what can you do about that? Why are we made to feel awkward and uncomfortable about people who’ve freely chosen the lives that they have? The onus is on them, not you.

I think the best idea is to invite married, engaged and everyone else “person + guest.” You may be surprised to find that even then a good many people who are not Catholic, will avoid a Catholic Wedding Mass (too much religiosity)

Otherwise, I’d probably just completely scrap the whole party atmosphere and have the wedding Mass with a couple of impartial (Catholic) witnesses. I mean, really, what a headache!

 

[90Domer]

My answer will not be popular, but I will tell you what we did with husband’s gay brother. We did not invite his partner to our wedding (it was very small and being concelebrated by my very orthodox uncle and college professor). Nobody there was divorced, cohabitating, whatever. BIL and MIL/FIL were huge attention seekers, and they would have used my wedding as a platform for their agenda. I am not saying your cousin would do that, but seeing a gay couple there would cause scandal, and it would detract from your special day. I cannot advice you invite the couple. I have never regretted my decision. In retrospect, I wish I invited BIL’s partner instead of BIL. He was a sweetie, whereas BIL is the biggest jerk I ever met.

 

[Anglewannabe]

My family (and I) are all practicing Catholics who are in line with all the Church’s teachings on pre-marital sex and cohabiting (whether hetero- or homo-), and wish to be a good example in this regard by not affirming these lifestyles. (The fact that they are gay, though, and not just a guy and girl shacking up, makes everything even more complicated).

.

If the real reason is you do NOT want a homosexual couple at your wedding, than don’t try and sugar coat it by dancing around the issue. Be honest and say ‘We are Catholic and this is a Catholic ceremony and we can not invite a homosexual couple because that is against the religion.’ Lying to your cousin by saying ‘only married and engaged couples are invited’ is just delaying telling the truth. What will you use at your child’s christening?

Now, if you feel that it would be rude to be upfront, then invite his partner. I am not telling you which choice is right or wrong because ultimately the only opinions that matter are the bride and grooms. But I am saying, if you want to take a stand about homosexuality being wrong, then it is necessary to be vocal and accept there will be back lash. No one ever did the right thing without suffering consequences

Angie