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23eagle23
Guest
WOW
I thought this was a Catholic opinion Forum…
Not everything is Black and White.
With what little information is here, your that sure to condem this relationship?
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I thought this was a Catholic opinion Forum…
Not everything is Black and White.
With what little information is here, your that sure to condem this relationship?
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whatevergirl
Guest
Safety is number one, both for the OP and her child. The relationship comes second, and the OP sounds like she has been putting the relationship first above her safety, and sanity. That is not healthy–and I don’t imagine God wants us to be fearful for our lives, in our marriages. I will say that abusive people can be helped, but they need to want to be helped. Until her husband shows that he’s willing to do the tough work to get better for him, and his family–I am not sure that the OP should stay in such a toxic environment. Abusers do have nice sides too–but all too often, they turn on a dime, keeping their spouses/partners in a state of confusion and walking on eggshells.
When people dismiss these types of things…I always ask them…would you want to see your mom/sister/daughter go through something like this? Often, the answer is ‘no!’ So, because we do not know one another on here, my advice wouldn’t be any less than what I would tell a dear loved one–safety first.
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ChooseLove
Guest
My marriage was the same as you are describing and the ONLY thing that saved our marriage was me calling the police on him… because it WILL turn physical.
If you plan on either leaving or locking him out, I highly suggest you get his last income tax return so you’ll get child support. You’ll need his social security number, and the income tax return will speed things up when it comes to court proceedings.
My husband tells everyone, the best thing I ever did for him was have him arrested. But I also didn’t wait YEARS to do it, I did it right away before the abuse was acceptable in his mind. He no longer verbally abuses me because of the conversion he’s had.
I think you should follow the advise of your priest. I’ll be praying for your situation.
If you plan on either leaving or locking him out, I highly suggest you get his last income tax return so you’ll get child support. You’ll need his social security number, and the income tax return will speed things up when it comes to court proceedings.
My husband tells everyone, the best thing I ever did for him was have him arrested. But I also didn’t wait YEARS to do it, I did it right away before the abuse was acceptable in his mind. He no longer verbally abuses me because of the conversion he’s had.
I think you should follow the advise of your priest. I’ll be praying for your situation.
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dulcissima
Guest
Some things are black and white. Abuse is one of those things. The OP is getting very good advice in this thread. I lived for 17 years in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic husband, always hoping always praying. It was my priest who clued me in that there comes a time to put a litmit on waiting for a miracle. I honestly should have acted years and years before I did. It hurt my children so much to grow up exposed to what they did. Now I am doing all that I can to aid in their healing. It is far easier for the younger children, but very, very difficult for my older kids. I am so sorry for their sakes that I was so forgiving and passive.
To the OP, contact a domestic violence center and put together a plan for leaving safely. I hope you have some trusted relatives and friends who can help you bring this to reality. I think it is important to not just walk out the door, but to walk out with a plan to make leaving really work. Otherwise you will find yourself back, and in deeper than ever.
Praying for you to find the strength you need. There really is a better life for you and your child. Be not afraid. God will provide you with all that you need.
To the OP, contact a domestic violence center and put together a plan for leaving safely. I hope you have some trusted relatives and friends who can help you bring this to reality. I think it is important to not just walk out the door, but to walk out with a plan to make leaving really work. Otherwise you will find yourself back, and in deeper than ever.
Praying for you to find the strength you need. There really is a better life for you and your child. Be not afraid. God will provide you with all that you need.
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Norseman82
Guest
There is plenty of information here for people who don’t have their heads in the sand. Many of us have been there, done that. Safety is a black and white matter. If you don’t have personal experience with this type of matter, perhaps you should take a back seat and let those on the board who have had personal experience handle it, while you watch and learn.
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whatevergirl
Guest
I’m sorry you suffered abuse in your marriage–this is a very good post. Thanks for sharing, and hopefully, things are good for you now. I was abused (verbally, which led to shoving, etc) in a relationship before I married, and knew that he would not ever change. He would apologize, then I would give in, and back to the abuse again. I think that the abuse pattern is often similiar for most…I pray for that man, that is no longer abusing women, and got help. I will pray for all on here in similiar situations, as the OP.
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Norseman82
Guest
OP,
I will re-echo this as well.
If it is possible to sneak away to go to a public library to log on to this forum, then do so. You also may want to change your screen name in case what you have currently reflects either your first or last name, as if your husband checks finds the message board, he may deduce it is you. For that reason, I would also ask that other posters use the term “OP” and not use the screen name as is.
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ElizabethAnne
Guest
Eagle,
Your advice is spot-on for a situation that deals with two normal people.
Unfortunately, there are red flags all over the OP’s post that point to the fact that she is not dealing with a normal husband. Rather, she is dealing with an emotionally and verbally abusive man who will use her normal reaction against her. Abusive spouses know that their husbands/wives want to work things out, and they will behave in any way necessary to stay in control of the situation. They will even at times give the appearance of normal, evoking sympathy from the abused. They know how to play emotions to their own advantage.
I know because my father can be described exactly the way the OP described her husband.
God bless you.
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23eagle23
Guest
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dulcissima
Guest
To the OP, just so you know what a good Catholic position is on abuse and marriage:
foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398729
foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398729
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jmcrae
Guest
Every woman should know two things:
Name-calling and throwing things at the wall, even if these have only happened once, are reasons to make a safety plan. Consult your local women’s shelter about how to make a safety plan.
If he hits you, or if the name-calling and throwing things becomes a regular habit, get out your safety plan and follow it immediately.
Name-calling and throwing things at the wall, even if these have only happened once, are reasons to make a safety plan. Consult your local women’s shelter about how to make a safety plan.
If he hits you, or if the name-calling and throwing things becomes a regular habit, get out your safety plan and follow it immediately.
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Linda_Marie
Guest
The clincher for me was that she has discussed this with her priest and he has advised her to leave. Her discussions with him were no doubt in much greater depth and detail that what she has written here. A priest will do everything he can to preserve the marriage. He said, “Leave”.
OP, believe in yourself. You have been torn down, your self confidence has been battered.
He picks little things to control you, so that he has you incapable of making even little decisions. The big ones, like leaving, are that much more difficult. He tells you to leave, but he doesn’t really want you to go. It is all part of his contolling pattern. He wants to keep you there, under his thumb. He makes you beg him to let you stay to give him feelings of power. He believes that you can’t leave him and he doesn’t want you to go because there will be no one to make him feel powerful if you do.
As Liberanosamalo said, be prepared for the man you knew to change drastically once you leave. He will be extremely angry and will do almost anything to get you back under his control. This is why I said to get a restraining order and a lawyer. He will also do everything he can to keep you from asserting your legal rights to joint assets. He already thinks everything belongs to him and him alone, including you.
Abusers usually react in two ways to being left.
one - they get all sweet and charming and apologetic and beg you to return and promise never to treat you like that again. This is a ruse. Once you are back, they will again abuse you, only this time it will be worse, because you dared to think for yourself, decide for yourself. They have to squash you till you can’t even breath without permission.
two - they get violent and attack you, your friends, your family, anyone who is supporting you in getting away from him.
Don’t hesitate to call the police if he comes around threatening you. You will be hesitant to do this, because you have been compromising, submitting to his demands out of fear, believing it is your fault and because you were in love with him. Protect yourself and your son and use the authorities to defend you when necessary.
IMO, it is better for you and your son to have no husband/father than to have the abusive jerk. Your priest thinks so too. He wouldn’t give you that advice lightly.
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whatevergirl
Guest
really excellent advice!
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diggnitty
Guest
Hi Davia. I too am sorry that you and your son are going through this abusive situation. I am coming from the place of a man who struggles with an anger problem. I have been divorced three times and am in a forth one that is shaky. I say this because I want you to know a couple of things that may help everyone involved. First of all it is not your fault that he gets as angry as he does. Secondly about your question as to weather it is better for your son to have a father who is a jerk or no father. The answer is your son needs a healthy father. If the man isn’t healthy neither is the relationship that will be formed between them. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR SON! Thirdly your husband probably came from an abusive history himself and his anger is probably VERY DEEPLY SEEDED. He probably can’t see his own issues right now and even though he couldn’t stand the thought of you actually leaving him (separating for an indefinite period of time). This may be the only thing that will provoke him to seek out real healing. Lastly and this is the hard one for me to say. These kink of relationships are kind of like a dance. There may be something about you, the way you respond to him or the way you are formed psychologically that may be partly responsible for the dynamics in the relationship. This may be a dependent/ co- dependent relationship or there may be abandonment issues at play. The bottom line is this: I would definitely separate for the time being. Get a restraining order if you have to. Tell him that you love him and want this marriage to work and you want him to have a relationship with your son BUT this will only happen if you get counseling. I would also get counsel for yourself to see how and why you interact with him the way you do. I hope this helps. May God heal you and your family.
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dulcissima
Guest
Really good advice Diggnitty. Praying for your recovery. 
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Living4Him
Guest
I would leave in a heartbeat. Especially since he’s unwilling to get help. Of course, I grew up with a VERY angry emotionally abusive father who also threatened physical harm to get his way. Please don’t make the same mistake my mom did & not leave until your child is practically grown up. If you leave now, while your child is still young, he will hopefully not have any issues later on in life as a result of your husband’s abuse. I just wanted to give you a perspective from my personal experience with a father that sounds very much like your husband.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
The problem with men like her husband… they never admit what they do. And you can’t fix something you won’t admit.
They say “I never said that!” “I never threw that.” “The baby broke that glass.” “I never hit you.” “You made that up.” “You’re delusional.” “You’re crazy.” “You need to be on medication.” “Is that what your lawyer told you to say? That I hit you?” “I barely touched you!”
We can go on and on. They cannot admit they are violent men who are abusive. that goes against their august opinion of themselvs. They blame you for their actions. They tell you what you REALLY feel.
You can’t fix that. You can only run far and fast from it.
They say “I never said that!” “I never threw that.” “The baby broke that glass.” “I never hit you.” “You made that up.” “You’re delusional.” “You’re crazy.” “You need to be on medication.” “Is that what your lawyer told you to say? That I hit you?” “I barely touched you!”
We can go on and on. They cannot admit they are violent men who are abusive. that goes against their august opinion of themselvs. They blame you for their actions. They tell you what you REALLY feel.
You can’t fix that. You can only run far and fast from it.
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Diana_Lynn
Guest
Davia, it sounds like you married my husband. It has gone on for 10 years now, and I should have left many years ago. As the previous posts have mentioned, these angry, manipulative men will go to great lengths to keep you from leaving. I speak from vast experience. A few weeks back, I put my life in danger for this man, he was beyond drunk, and I was trying to prevent him from diving into oncoming traffic in a blizzard, while cars were sliding around us in the middle of the street.
Let me say that had I at ANY POINT in time, thought things would get this bad, I would never have stayed. I continued to pray, and forgive, and bend myself into a pretzel to keep his anger at bay. I gave up doing things I enjoyed, because it annoyed him, listening to the music I like, because he couldn’t stand it… plenty of things.
I have “taken back my brave” as the song goes… And as those who posted before me have recommended to you… I have put together a plan, and I will not be turning back. The damage that is done to your soul is heartbreaking, the damage done to my children - worse. Self-esteem, failing physical health due to constant exposure to stress, not to mention how they must view me for staying.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my experience with you. I pray that your absence from this thread is a sign that you have headed for the hills.
You are in my prayers Davia. May God watch over you and your family, and keep you safe from harm.
God Bless.
Let me say that had I at ANY POINT in time, thought things would get this bad, I would never have stayed. I continued to pray, and forgive, and bend myself into a pretzel to keep his anger at bay. I gave up doing things I enjoyed, because it annoyed him, listening to the music I like, because he couldn’t stand it… plenty of things.
I have “taken back my brave” as the song goes… And as those who posted before me have recommended to you… I have put together a plan, and I will not be turning back. The damage that is done to your soul is heartbreaking, the damage done to my children - worse. Self-esteem, failing physical health due to constant exposure to stress, not to mention how they must view me for staying.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my experience with you. I pray that your absence from this thread is a sign that you have headed for the hills.
You are in my prayers Davia. May God watch over you and your family, and keep you safe from harm.
God Bless.
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nova147
Guest
Davia - I am praying for your situation. I agree with the many posters who have suggested that you get away from your husband.
I am hesitant to post this, mostly because I don’t want to derail the tread, but some of the conversation here has me wondering something. If this behavior were from a woman, what would we all say about it? I ask because my mother behaves in a similar fashion and has all my life. She has fits of anger which result in lots of screaming and occasional throwing of things. And then she’s over it and expects everyone else to be too. I doubt anyone involved would call her abusive, towards my father or anyone else. (Please know that I am not saying the OP’s husband is not abusive - her situation is clearly different, especially since alcohol seems to be involved.) In fact, most people who I have told about my mother’s behavior suggest she needs psychiatric help.
My first reaction to the OP was thinking that the husband in this situation needs mental health care. But nearly everyone who has responded called him an abusive person, not someone sick. I am left wondering if we would respond the same if it were a woman.
MJ
I am hesitant to post this, mostly because I don’t want to derail the tread, but some of the conversation here has me wondering something. If this behavior were from a woman, what would we all say about it? I ask because my mother behaves in a similar fashion and has all my life. She has fits of anger which result in lots of screaming and occasional throwing of things. And then she’s over it and expects everyone else to be too. I doubt anyone involved would call her abusive, towards my father or anyone else. (Please know that I am not saying the OP’s husband is not abusive - her situation is clearly different, especially since alcohol seems to be involved.) In fact, most people who I have told about my mother’s behavior suggest she needs psychiatric help.
My first reaction to the OP was thinking that the husband in this situation needs mental health care. But nearly everyone who has responded called him an abusive person, not someone sick. I am left wondering if we would respond the same if it were a woman.
MJ
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dulcissima
Guest
It’s my understanding that when you combine abusive behavior with substance abuse/alcoholism, it ratchets it up several more notches in seriousness. If you were to go to a domestic violence center for counseling, the presence of a drinking problem with this kind of behavior would cause it to be labeled as a more uncurable type of problem.
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