Should I just walk out the door?

[Norseman82]

Davia - I am praying for your situation. I agree with the many posters who have suggested that you get away from your husband.

I am hesitant to post this, mostly because I don’t want to derail the tread, but some of the conversation here has me wondering something. If this behavior were from a woman, what would we all say about it? I ask because my mother behaves in a similar fashion and has all my life. She has fits of anger which result in lots of screaming and occasional throwing of things. And then she’s over it and expects everyone else to be too. I doubt anyone involved would call her abusive, towards my father or anyone else. (Please know that I am not saying the OP’s husband is not abusive - her situation is clearly different, especially since alcohol seems to be involved.) In fact, most people who I have told about my mother’s behavior suggest she needs psychiatric help.

My first reaction to the OP was thinking that the husband in this situation needs mental health care. But nearly everyone who has responded called him an abusive person, not someone sick. I am left wondering if we would respond the same if it were a woman.

MJ

Yes we would:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=224047

 

[nova147]

Norseman- thank you for pointing out that thread to me. Now we can just ignore my random wonderings, as I was clearly wrongon this one.

MJ

 

[Gisella]

I was the child in a similar situation, and I just wish my mom had left sooner. I was terrified of my father. I lived in fear until I was three years old. My father never physically assaulted my mother, but he would scream and throw things at her and sometimes grab her. I still have a anxiety problems because of the time I lived in that environment.

My advice is to leave this situation with your child. The safety of both of you comes before any relationship.

 

[Diana_Lynn]

…I am left wondering if we would respond the same if it were a woman

MJ, I understand your concern, and where you are going with this, especially; a) because you are a woman b) you grew up with a woman with anger management problems.
It is true that we tend to be harsher on men for this problem then we are with women. I personally believe that one reason for this attitude is that men have much more power and strength, physically and emotionally. While there are exceptions, (and please don’t misunderstand me, I am NOT excusing uncontrolled anger from anybody, I am simply explaining what I believe seems to be a lower tolerance towards men’s uncontrolled anger.) a man’s anger is generally far more menacing than a woman’s. They’re physical capabilities alone, create a more dangerous situation. I have heard horror stories however, where women have bullied and intimidated men and children, and it is a frightening thought. In fact, because we are generally known to be the caregivers, it would seem to be far less appropriate.
We are all God’s precious children, and from that perspective, none of us should ever be subjected to emotional, verbal or physical abuse of any kind, nor should we be the source of such abuse. **The question is, when does such abuse create the need to flee to safety, and when is it possible that united, a family may create positive lasting change?**As human beings, none of us truly wants to harm another living soul. We are not monsters, or demons. It’s not in our God-given nature. We act out harshly towards others because we have been hurt ourselves, and have not healed from those wounds. Perhaps some have not learned strategies to behave differently. If someone, like for instance your mother, has moments where she is open to addressing the need for change, then there may be hope for the family to unite and heal those wounds, through professional counselling, or whatever means necessary. But if the abuser is never open to addressing the need for change, then male or female, if the situation is violent, the family should flee to safety. In fact often times, that triggers the abuser to see what they have done, and while it may be too late to heal the relationship, they often seek help for themselves.

In Davia’s case she stated “I get yelled at and told to leave or else…” and *“he’s not the kind of person who says sorry, and besides I was “responsible” in the first place for whatever happened that day. And I have to beg to be able to stay in my own house…”*and “I have to do this or that to stay (more cooking or whatever it was that caused the argument) and that I have to make deals on how long we will “try”…”
These statements imply that this husband is not open to getting help, how could he be, if even after the adrenaline is gone, he refuses to accept responsibility?
I hope that this long-winded post helped to explain my reason (possibly others also?) for not suggesting he get help. I agree, he needs it, however that is something he must want in order for it to actually help.
I hope I didn’t discourage or offend anybody, and I hope that wherever you are Davia, you are safe, and God is working His Divine Will in your life. I will also take this opportunity to pray that your husband does see his behaviour as a problem, and gets help for it. May God Bless All.

 

[fyrehardt]

I remember the fights I had with my oldest son’s father…yelling and screaming, things flying through the air…and I always though it was normal. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends…but I didn’t have that many anyhow so I didn’t see anything wrong with it…and I have a temper myself, so I just knew in my heart that I was just egging him on, and if I would just learn to be a good girlfriend, that we wouldn’t have these arguments…

I worked full time and took 100% care of our son when I wasn’t at work. I couldn’t leave the house without him…not even to step outside and smoke. I slept in his room in a recliner because if he woke up crying and I didn’t calm him down immediately, I was a terrible mother and should give him away…

One day, I was hanging curtains…asked my BF for help…he got mad…picked up my then-one year old son’s favorite toy…a plastic electric guitar…and broke it on the back of the recliner…

That was the day that I realized that if he couldn’t keep from breaking our son’s toys, then how could I trust him not to break our son?

Yes, you have a child involved…so you need to plan…but please, Please get out of there Now…before it gets worse…

I am a lapsed Catholic, and out of practice, but I will pray for you.