Should I marry a non-catholic or be single forever?

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DivineMercy01

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I am a single Catholic woman in my twenties (*disclaimer-this is not a request for all single men to send me their phone number. I am simply requesting advice for my state in life). I feel strongly called to the vocation of marriage. After years of praying about my vocation, I know God wants me to be married to someone who loves the Catholic Church as much as I do. I cannot imagine being married to a fallen away Catholic, nor a non-Catholic.

As many women in my generation can understand, there are not a lot of single Catholic men in my age group (*disclaimer-this is not a dig on men, this is a fact, at least in my hometown). For personal reasons, I am not comfortable with online dating. I am also of the belief that it is morally questionable to date a non-Catholic with the intention of converting him. I feel I have exhausted all my options for meeting someone.

Before you ask me if I have discerned a call to any form of consecrated life, the answer is “yes.” God has simply told me “no.” I have visited convents, spoken with the director of consecrated life in my diocese, and attended spiritual direction. I beg God daily to reveal my vocation and to make it very clear if I am called to some form of consecrated life. To keep a long story short, God has simply made it very clear that I am not called to consecrated life.

I am of the belief that there is no true “vocation” to the single life. I have heard many priests speak on this topic, and the consensus is that perpetually single people are part of the church, and God still loves them, but they are not in a true “vocation.” The reason being that there is no love with no commitment. I am aware that the single life vocation is debatable, but for purposes of this post, let’s assume there is no true “vocation” to the single life.

All things considered:
-I have discerned I am called to marriage and family life
-I have discerned that for me personally, I am not called to marry a non-Catholic and it is morally questionable to date a non-Catholic with the intention of converting him
-I have discerned that I am not called to consecrated life (including nun, sister, consecrated virginity, etc)
-I have exhausted all my options for meeting a Catholic man (have already met all the Catholic men in my city, not comfortable with online dating)
-I am perfectly capable of living on my own (I have a good job, I take care of myself)

Lately I’ve been feeling like my options are to marry a non-Catholic or be single forever. The first option is morally questionable for reasons I’ve stated. However, this perpetually single lifestyle is slightly selfish, as there is no real love with no commitment. However, for all the reasons stated above, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Here is my big question: Is it morally acceptable for me to simply stay single until God calls me to consecrated life OR puts the right person in my life, even if it never happens?

Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you.
 
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You really need to change your mindset about being single. It isn’t “selfish” and it’s not true to say that there is no love without commitment. It’s not morally questionable to be single. Of course it’s better to be single than to date people you can’t see a future with, or whom you’re not attracted to, or whom you feel isn’t the right person.

My advice? Take a step back from dating at all. Spend time enjoying life in the present, don’t think about the future constantly. Get to know people as friends and see how much your world will grow.

If you really are struggling to meet people, then online dating might be something to get comfortable with.
 
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You should seek marriage. If your heart calls you to a non-Catholic you can always be such a great example for your husband that he converts just for you.

I say go for it. Even if you can’t convert your future husband you can always baptise your children.
 
You need to marry the person who you love and want to build a life with and who will also respect your faith.
I married a non-Catholic, not because I couldn’t dredge up a Catholic somewhere (I dated at least three Catholics) but because I loved him and he did not have a problem with my religion although he did not want to convert himself. I’m quite convinced he was the “right person” whom God put in my life.

Regarding your “big question”, of course it’s morally acceptable for you to stay single until God calls you to either consecrated life or marriage. You’re not under a time clock.

You “feeling” that it is morally questionable to date a non-Catholic is reflecting your personal preference to date a Catholic. It does not mean that dating or marrying (in the Church) a non-Catholic is in fact morally questionable, unless the person in question is trying to lead you away from your Catholic faith and morals.
 
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I need to discern too. How did God tell you no? What did you feel?
 
Your list seems complete, but that’s not surprising because it is so vague. Believe me that when God actually calls you to love and marry someone he will be much more complex and real than a generic catholic or non-catholic. There are going to be plenty of other hurdles to overcome and you need to be ready to face those. You can prepare yourself through either the dating or the single life but whichever path you choose you should not be passively waiting on God but actively working with Him.

I also can’t help but feel you are either adding or removing things that God has not actually said to you. For instance you say you think it is problematic to date a non-Catholic with the intention of converting him. Why? Your motive matters. If you are converting him for your convenience then yes, that is wrong. If you are converting him because you love him and want to bring him closer to God, that’s a good thing.

I actually know a woman who, like you, thought she would never marry a non-Catholic. And she’s not, but her fiancee was not Catholic when they got engaged. She’d be the first to tell you that she didn’t set out to convert him. God did that, she just did her part.
 
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DivineMercy01 said:
I have exhausted all my options for meeting a Catholic man (have already met all the Catholic men in my city, not comfortable with online dating)
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Don’t be silly. You are in your twenties, you are very young.

People will continue to come into your life.

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36. I lived in the 4th largest city in the US, was super involved with young adults in a HUGE parish. Knew young adults in most other parishes due to my involvement in diocesan YA ministry, was super involved in pro life work, and I am a big extravert so I don’t have trouble meeting people or dating.

And yet… although many of my friends met and married wonderful Catholic men, I did not.

And then I did so online thru Ave Maria and met my husband who live 2000 miles away.

It doesn’t matter if you live in a big or small city, think you know everyone or not, you just have to keep on keeping on. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Just be faithful.
DivineMercy01 said:
Lately I’ve been feeling like my options are to marry a non-Catholic or be single forever.
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Again. Be faithful. The rest will happen in God’s time. You are young.
DivineMercy01 said:
Is it morally acceptable for me to simply stay single until God calls me to consecrated life OR puts the right person in my life, even if it never happens?
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Of course.
DivineMercy01 said:
this perpetually single lifestyle is slightly selfish, as there is no real love with no commitment.
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That, frankly, is hogwash.
 
I think the only question you need to ask is do you love him and does he love and respect you and your belief. You can’t solve a lifetimes set of conundrums in a day, a month or a year.
 
Thank you for the kind words.

I would love for anyone to convert-it’s converting “just for me” that I would have a problem with. I would never want someone to come into the church simply to marry me or make me happy. If I were on the path to someone’s conversion, I would want it to be because he believed the Catholic Church was the one true church, not out of pleasing me.

Yes, I know I can baptize my children regardless of my husband’s faith. It’s not that I’m worried I can’t raise my kids Catholic, it’s that I don’t see myself having the same definition of marriage as someone who doesn’t love the church as much as I do.
 
Respect? Absolutely. Coexist? Sure. Build a life and raise children with someone who does not love the church and won’t defend her teachings? I know some very holy interfaith couples, but I don’t see myself doing it.

I was not suggesting a non-Catholic was defective, I was simply suggesting I felt called to marry someone who will defend the Church’s teachings, especially on sex and birth control. I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole here, but Catholic sexual ethics are unique and a deal-breaker for me is finding someone who loves the church, will defend her teachings, and doesn’t ask me to commit a mortal sin before or after marriage. I’ve never met a non-Catholic who is all of these things.

Like I said, I know many interfaith couples, but I’ve discerned that life is not for me.
 
Not morally questionable to date a non-Catholic, simply morally questionable if you intend to convert him. I don’t believe dating someone to change them is ever a healthy habit (whether it’s faith, work ethic, money habits, or anything else) and dating a non-Catholic with the intention of converting falls into dating someone to change him.
 
Thank you for the encouragement! I guess when I say the single life can be selfish, it’s the external pressures talking. There is so much external pressure for young adults to get in their vocation. I wish more people were understanding of the fact that I could simply not be called to anything right now.
 
Life happens, I think overall there is a certain stiffness in your line of thinking. You are in your twenties, you don’t know what life will bring you tomorrow and loving a person is much more that picking a Catholic or non Catholic spouse, or to find somebody that has all the characteristics you are looking for in a potential spouse. People, Catholic or not, are flawed, each one of us is flawed in his of her own way. You will not find a spouse if what you are looking for is an ideal person.
Said that, I ended up for life circumstances marrying a non Christian. I love my husband very very much but I think our married life would have been easier If we were on the same page about Faith. For example in over ten years I always went to Mass alone, or when we baptized my daughter we had to face a certain passive aggressive attitude from friends and family.
 
Those of us who date non-Catholics do not date them in order to change them. We date them because we like the person, care about them, and admire their good qualities.

It sounds like right now you’re just doing a lot of speculating about stuff when you’re not actually dating a non-Catholic and don’t have one in mind to date. You can speculate and make statements all you want, but when and if you actually met a person you wanted to date, the situation might be completely different from what you’re imagining.

It’s kind of pointless to think about this or make statements about “marrying a non-Catholic” when you don’t even have anyone specific in mind that you’re dating or wanting to date. We don’t marry simply for the sake of getting married; it’s not a sin to be single for a long time, or even forever.
 
To what list are you referring? I’m not understanding what you mean by generic Catholic/non-Catholic.

Yes, I understand there will be plenty of other hurdles.

Can you explain what you mean by passively waiting on God? I’m living an active life (very involved in my community, working hard, have great friends). I just don’t know where the men who love the Church and live her teachings are and am not sure how I’m going to meet anyone, as it seems I’ve met everyone who lives in my city.

I believe it is always problematic to date someone with the intention of changing him. Trying to convert someone falls into this category, regardless of your intentions. I think it is perfectly fine to date/marry a non-Catholic, if you are okay with that person never converting. I know people who’ve done it, but I don’t see myself being okay with that cross. If I have to choose between that cross and perpetual singleness, I think I personally would choose the latter. Not because it would be easier (in many ways it would be the greater sacrifice) but because I’ve discerned that would lead me to greater holiness than an interfaith marriage.
 
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You are in your twenties. Relax, have fun, serve others and become more involved in Church and charity work. That’s where you will find a Catholic husband.
Most of all relax. You do not have to do all the work if marrying a Catholic is God’s plan for you.
 
DivineMercy01 said:
I feel strongly called to the vocation of marriage. After years of praying about my vocation, I know God wants me to be married to someone who loves the Catholic Church as much as I do. I cannot imagine being married to a fallen away Catholic, nor a non-Catholic.

However, this perpetually single lifestyle is slightly selfish, as there is no real love with no commitment. However, for all the reasons stated above, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.

Here is my big question: Is it morally acceptable for me to simply stay single until God calls me to consecrated life OR puts the right person in my life, even if it never happens?

Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you.
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In reviewing what you’ve said - You’ve sort of answered your own question…

It could/would be unacceptable
were you to marry someone who does not fit that criteria re: God and you.

b/c that could suggest that your urge to marry supersedes what you’ve said;
and could be deemed ‘selfish’…
 
Two years ago I had my reversion. I went from lukewarm Catholic to going to daily mass, wanting to run as fast as I could towards Christ. Since the last two years, I have prayed daily for God to reveal my vocation. Here are a few things that have happened:
  1. Lukewarm and fallen away Catholics (aka not people who should be vocations directors) have noticed, since my reversion, I go to bible study and daily mass and asked if I thought I had a religious vocation. Daily mass and bible study are not reserved for priests and nuns. There is a widely held belief that lay people cannot be holy. To me, God is using this to remind me that we need more ordinary lay people leading holy lives. God has given me many qualities that are good to be an example of a holy lay woman: I have a strong personality, I stand out in a crowd, people remember me.
  2. I went on a silent retreat last fall and could not stand the structured prayer or structured days. I don’t think I became holier after that experience and discerned further that consecrated life is not for me. All religious orders I know (except the Jesuits, who don’t accept women) have structured prayer. Not for me.
  3. My staunch Catholic friends tell me constantly that I have motherly qualities, which enkindles a desire inside of me to be a mother.This is God’s way of telling me I need to be a holy wife and mother, and that our world needs more holy wives and mothers.
  4. I made a list of charismatic gifts I identify with. It was almost as though God said “Do I need to spell it out for you? You’re supposed to be a homeschool mama of many little saints!”
  5. Isolation during COVID-19 has given me much time for contemplation. I don’t enjoy the solitude and I really struggle with silent prayer. I am still doing my liturgy of the hours, but I am struggling with the whole being cut off from the world thing. Monastic life is definitely not where I’m called.
Dorothy Day said “You will know your vocation by the joy it brings you.” It’s simple: the thought of being a wife and mother brings me joy that consecrated life doesn’t. That being said, consecrated life has always been appealing to me, but only for reasons that are all about my own immediate gratification: I might get to wear a cool habit. People would think I was holy. I wouldn’t have to pay bills or manage my money. I wouldn’t have to wait on God to send me a spouse. I wouldn’t have to see people I don’t want to see ever again. I wouldn’t have to deal with the material world. I wouldn’t have to plan my outfits every day.
 
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