Should I marry a non-catholic or be single forever?

[1ke]

There is so much external pressure for young adults to get in their vocation .

I’m not sure where such pressure is coming from. If that was my experience I’d distance myself from those people.

I never experienced that at all.

I wish more people were understanding of the fact that I could simply not be called to anything right now.

You are hanging with the wrong crowd if that’s your experience.

That’s all I can say.

 

[Inquiry]

I believe it is always problematic to date someone with the intention of changing him. Trying to convert someone falls into this category, regardless of your intentions.

When you get married it will be your duty to try to bring your husband closer to God so that he can become the saint he is called to be. It will be his duty to do that for you. That necessarily involves change.

What you are stumbling over is that it is indeed wrong to try to change him by yourself and it is indeed wrong to try and change him for yourself. You can’t be the driving force, you can’t be the reason. Instead you have to focus on helping him discern what will bring him closer to God.

No matter how much your future husband loves the Church and lives her teachings it will be part of your duty to help him do so more. Get used to the idea of dating someone you intend to help change because if you are called to marriage it will be your vocation.

 

[PennyinCanada]

You spent time discerning. Wait on God and continue moving forward.
I had a longer private message to send you but I could not, perhaps because you’re a new member.

Many folks come on Catholic answers, they’ve wanted a Catholic spouse and dated a non-Catholic for a year. huh? Then their question is ‘how do I get this person to become Catholic?’ You will save yourself a lot of grief if you actually start off with dating a Catholic.

 

[signit]

Agreeing totally with some of the others.

The Bible says “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife” and “be fruitful and multiply,” but surely there’s no definite timetable attached to that. Surely God doesn’t want you to get married when it’s not the right time and the right person.

 

[DivineMercy01]

I’m going to go out on a limb and say (assuming you are practicing Catholic who hangs with practicing Catholics. If you hang out with atheists, of course they’re not going to pressure you to get into your vocation because they don’t know what that means!) that if you’ve never experienced the pressure, you’re either a male or someone who found their vocation when you were very young. For Catholic women the pressure can be very different, as God made us to be more nurturing and we have a biological clock. Not to mention, there seem to be way more of us in almost every Catholic circle.

I don’t worry about my “biological clock” as i know God will send me biological children if I am supposed to have them, and if he doesn’t there is always adoption. However, that does not stop the peanut gallery from saying stuff about “you are blah blah blah years old why haven’t you had babies yet???”

 

[blackforest]

I am of the belief that there is no true “vocation” to the single life. I have heard many priests speak on this topic, and the consensus is that perpetually single people are part of the church, and God still loves them, but they are not in a true “vocation.”

“Consensus?” Is this Church teaching?

The reason being that there is no love with no commitment. I am aware that the single life vocation is debatable, but for purposes of this post, let’s assume there is no true “vocation” to the single life.

Respectfully, I will assume no such thing. Single people are in a position to commit themselves to wonderful works of ministry that those committed to family cannot do. Furthermore, LGBTQ Catholics are supposed to remain single. So you’re denouncing an entire demographic of Catholics as “selfish.” Here is an old but good article on the Catholic vocation of remaining single. A Vocation to the Single Life

The Church needs lay Catholics who can dedicate themselves to their work and the spread of the Gospel while working in the world. Single laymen and laywomen have greater flexibility and time to do a variety of tasks and to help other families.

I’m not in any way instructing you to remain single. But please go easy on single Catholics. They’re really not terrible, selfish people. (I’m speaking as a married woman here).

Honestly, your beliefs sound quite rigid - No non-Catholic! No single life! No church vocation! No online dating! No soup for you! (Sorry - 90s pop culture reference. Couldn’t resist).

Have you considered seeking spiritual counsel?

 

[TC3033]

Many folks come on Catholic answers, they’ve wanted a Catholic spouse and dated a non-Catholic for a year. huh? Then their question is ‘how do I get this person to become Catholic?’ You will save yourself a lot of grief if you actually start off with dating a Catholic.

And there are many folks on here that have been in “mixed” relationships and marriages for years… TBH, I’m not sure if I’ve seen one of the threads you speak of.

If you find a guy who isn’t Catholic, you can’t just treat him like he’s defective. You’d have to respect his faith tradition, too. Can you do that?

Good post ^^

@Tis_Bearself is a good poster to listen to on this subject. Her and I have both have successful “mixed” marriages. I would be available via PM is you have questions.

For some people, it’s a deal breaker for their spouse to be Catholic … for some it’s not. Maybe you’re one who it is, and that’s fine…but you could be eliminating some really great spouses.

TBH, and this may be blunt, but reading through the thread it sounds like you wanted us all to say No, don’t do it.

 

[DivineMercy01]

I love the 90s reference I’m a 90s kid so I remember that episode

I apologize if you thought I was being hard on single Catholics. I understand there are many who cannot control their circumstances, such as those who experience same-sex attraction.

There is no church teaching that says “the single life” is a vocation. Read through any Pope’s encyclicals. I’ve never heard a priest say “The single life” is a vocation that one is “called to.”

As I stated above, God still loves and uses perpetually single people and they are still part of His Church. They are simply not in a vowed vocation. Some people (such as those who experience same-sex attraction, severely disabled, single people who never meet the right person) are not able to fulfill the vocation they were called to.

One Swiss theologian, Hans Urs Von Balthasar writes beautifully about vocations in The Christian State of Life. In Sum:

1. Everyone experiences a desire for marriage/children as we are physically made for it
2. A select few are called to sacrifice the desire for marriage/children in order to serve the church in a celibate capacity (and God makes it very clear if one is called to this).
3. In the event that one is not able to live the vocation of marriage or celibacy (for example, the LGBTQ population, a man felt called to go to seminary and was not accepted for medical reasons, a woman who wants to get married but never meets the right person) He is to live out the single life in a cruciform way, in other words a “quasi-religious life” in which he is expected to give of himself (tithing more of his income, giving more service to the Church).

I first heard about this theologian from the Clerically Speaking Podcast on iTunes. The hosts are two Catholic priests who explain Balthasar’s vocations assessment beautifully. Both priests believe that single people can be loved by God and serve his church. Neither of them believe the “single life” is a vocation one can “aim for.”

I was not suggesting that single people are not used or loved by God. You are correct-they are more available to love and serve the church.

 

[Johncardic]

You do well to not think of non catholics as possible partners.

"“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

In much of the same way,a non catholic man will not understand your love for god,for the catholic tradition,for the saints etc etc.He will try his best to pull you away from those things from which he doesn’t understand.People seem to forget that when a lover watches his loved one loving something else he will get jealous.Hatred will brew up inside him,and little by little he will get more and more frustrated and with frustration comes anger,hate,licentiousness and the list goes on.Your husband will throw your son on that which is considered “worthy”.But to a non believer that which is worthy is all that is earthly.Your son will have two of his closest family members at war with one another.Not only will you have to worry with the world at large and their conniving traps but you will also have to deal with your own house.Your husband will entice you with words,making you more and more curious about that which is earthly and you will say to yourself “it is but a small thing that i accompany him to x activity”.And you will accompany him,and slowly you will be ensnared by mindless competition,mindless activities,all sorts of disordered feelings,petty disputes and the list goes on.If you want to keep your faith in the lord and to not sin you better wait.

 

[TC3033]

"“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Um, what does this have to do with non-Catholic Christians?

He will try his best to pull you away from those things from which he doesn’t understand.

Doubtful

.People seem to forget that when a lover watches his loved one loving something else he will get jealous.Hatred will brew up inside him,and little by little he will get more and more frustrated and with frustration comes anger,hate,licentiousness and the list goes on.Your husband will throw your son on that which is considered “worthy”.

I have no idea what this even means.

But to a non believer that which is worthy is all that is earthly.Your son will have two of his closest family members at war with one another.

Pardon, but are you saying non-Catholic Christians are non-believers?

Not only will you have to worry with the world at large and their conniving traps but you will also have to deal with your own house.

Your husband will entice you with words,making you more and more curious about that which is earthly and you will say to yourself “it is but a small thing that i accompany him to x activity”.And you will accompany him,and slowly you will be ensnared by mindless competition,mindless activities,all sorts of disordered feelings,petty disputes and the list goes on.If you want to keep your faith in the lord and to not sin you better wait.

Again, an eye roll. It’s posts like this that I…I just shake my head at and again say… “Man, I’m so glad my wife didn’t come here looking for marriage advice”.

OP…the post I quoted is pretty…let’s just say “out there”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My staunch Catholic friends tell me constantly that I have motherly qualities. This is God’s way of telling me I need to be a holy wife and mother, and that our world needs more holy wives and mothers.

To use a qualifier like “staunch” to describe another Catholic is a bit troubling.

I made a list of charismatic gifts I identify with. It was almost as though God said “Do I need to spell it out for you? You’re supposed to be a homeschool mama of many little saints!”

The Catechism mentions charismatic gifts one time, and it is directed to the Church and Her leaders:

768 So that she can fulfill her mission, the Holy Spirit “bestows upon [the Church] varied hierarchic and charismatic gifts, and in this way directs her.” "Henceforward the Church, endowed with the gifts of her founder and faithfully observing his precepts of charity, humility and self-denial, receives the mission of proclaiming and establishing among all peoples the Kingdom of Christ and of God, and she is on earth the seed and the beginning of that kingdom."

There are some folks who follow a sort of charismatic movement that came into Christianity from the Protestant world. I was exposed to this world for many years, and there was never mentioned a “charism of homeschooling” or anything like that.

reasons that are all about my own immediate gratification: I would get to wear a cool habit. People would think I was holy. I wouldn’t have to pay bills or manage my money. I wouldn’t have to wait on God to send me a spouse. I wouldn’t have to see people I don’t want to see ever again. I wouldn’t have to deal with the material world. I wouldn’t have to plan my outfits every day.

There are many, many different sorts of communities.

It sounds as if you looked at a specific sort of community, a cloistered order.

Did you look at active communities, like the Sisters of Mercy? They often live in their own apartment, wearing a habit is optional, they work in schools and universities and hospitals all over the US. These women have to pay bills and manage their money.

Not that I am saying this is your vocation, but, maybe find out there are more than one sort of religious woman.

 

[DivineMercy01]

I’m so glad you asked! Yes, I looked into all sorts of “communities” as well as consecrated virginity which entails being the bride of Christ and living as a lay woman out in the world. On a very pragmatic level, I have not experienced the desire to be the bride of Christ in prayer.

I didn’t say “charism of homeschooling.” I didn’t want to go into detail about this, but the charisms I identify with are “leadership, administration, service, and knowledge.” All point towards homeschooling my children.

I didn’t want to list them because I didn’t want people to come back and say “nuns can have those charisms too” but that isnt’ the point.

Overall, I know myself, I pray daily, and I feel strongly that God has made me for the lay state. That is where I can be the holiest and where I can make the most difference in healing the Church.

And if I don’t use the qualifier “staunch,” I don’t know how you want me to clarify that someone lives a Catholic lifestyle and is not just Catholic “in name.” I feel like when I just say “Catholic” it can be confused with anyone who is baptized, when that is not what I am referring to.

 

[MockSock]

disclaimer-this is not a request for all single men to send me their phone number. I am simply requesting advice for my state in life

Wasn’t planning on it. Although…

there are not a lot of single Catholic men in my age group (*disclaimer-this is not a dig on men, this is a fact, at least in my hometown)

I have to say, in mine it’s the other way around. I think all the women are 60+. I wonder what a vocation to the single life would be if such a thing does exist.

 

[Angel_Bradford]

There is nothing wrong with marrying a non-Catholic as long as they respect you being a practicing Catholic and agree to marry in the Catholic Church.

However, my advice to you is to wait until you find someone and then adjust your considerations to that one person and not try to cookie cut your way into a relationship.

The right person for you may be out there or not; but don’t be willing to settle for anyone just because you feel called to marriage… That would be a HUGE mistake.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

One Swiss theologian, Hans Urs Von Balthasar writes beautifully about vocations in The Christian State of Life . In Sum:

1. Everyone experiences a desire for marriage/children as we are physically made for it
2. A select few are called to sacrifice the desire for marriage/children in order to serve the church in a celibate capacity (and God makes it very clear if one is called to this).
3. In the event that one is not able to live the vocation of marriage or celibacy (for example, the LGBTQ population, a man felt called to go to seminary and was not accepted for medical reasons, a woman who wants to get married but never meets the right person) He is to live out the single life in a cruciform way, in other words a “quasi-religious life” in which he is expected to give of himself (tithing more of his income, giving more service to the Church).

I have never heard it put quite this way before, and this is indeed very beautiful. One very positive thing about Catholicism, and which I have never seen in any other religion, is that we allow for multiple lifestyles and vocations, only one of which — marriage — calls for the begetting, rearing, and education of children. The medieval ideal paradigm (sorry, I don’t have a source, I would provide one if I could) is for one-third of society to marry, one-third to remain single, and one-third to go into the priestly or religious life. (I guess that would take care of the vocations shortage!) The Protestant mentality is for everyone to marry, and if you don’t, well, up until the modern “single and loving it” phenomenon, this was something they didn’t quite know what to do with. Protestants say “when you get married”, whereas Catholics say “if you get married”. That’s a fundamental difference.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

My Catholic upbringing, such as it was (it took place in an old-time Catholic school with mostly priests and sisters, I didn’t have a Catholic home), taught me that “it’s not what you want, it’s what God wants”. Nil sine numine was the unofficial school motto. You can want, and want, and want, all you like, but in the end, that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, if God wants something different for you. If God wants you to get married, it will happen. If God wants you to go into the priestly or religious life, He will let you know. “Back in the day”, many people went to the seminary or convent, stayed for awhile, and either finally “just couldn’t do it”, or were told by the rector or Mother Superior that, regardless of what the seminarian or novice wanted, they just didn’t have a vocation. In either case, the Voice of God was clear.

And if nothing at all happens, or there is some kind of extrinsic or intrinsic prompting towards it, you just stay single. Our modern society is a pretty harsh, Darwinian place when it comes to finding a mate — many people of either gender have near-impossible standards for finding a mate (money, appearance, personality, etc.), and it’s not at all unlikely that some will remain forever single because “nobody could ever quite measure up”. And some people have afflictions that make finding a marriage partner more difficult than it would otherwise be — personality disorders, handicaps, homosexuality that just won’t go away, and I hate to say it, but sometimes there are appearance issues. It doesn’t seem fair, but it’s just the way it is. Fallen world, fallen people.

 

[TC3033]

There is nothing wrong with marrying a non-Catholic as long as they respect you being a practicing Catholic and agree to marry in the Catholic Church.

Or if you obtain the proper paperwork to marry in their church…

 

[Angel_Bradford]

Yes…that too…Thank you!

 

[ThomasMT]

You should seek marriage. If your heart calls you to a non-Catholic you can always be such a great example for your husband that he converts just for you.

I say go for it. Even if you can’t convert your future husband you can always baptise your children.

With all due respect, that is absurd, disingenuous advice. I’m sure that the OP wants to raise fully Catholic children. That is a pipe dream if both spouses aren’t onboard. She shouldn’t be having to spend precious energy trying to convert her own husband WHILE raising her children in the faith, ALONE.

 

[1ke]

I’m going to go out on a limb and say (assuming you are practicing Catholic who hangs with practicing Catholics. If you hang out with atheists, of course they’re not going to pressure you to get into your vocation because they don’t know what that means!) that if you’ve never experienced the pressure, you’re either a male or someone who found their vocation when you were very young.

I’m a female and I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36, and we got married when I was 38.

And yes, we both are practicing Catholics. As I mentioned above I was in numerous leadership roles in my parish (young adults, bible study, parish council, RCIA team, food pantry, and more), diocese (young adults) and pro life (weekly sidewalk counseling at PP and board member of a pro life non profit).

For Catholic women the pressure can be very different, as God made us to be more nurturing and we have a biological clock.

That seems like self-imposed pressure, but if people are “pressuring” you to find your vocation then again I would suggest you’re hanging with the wrong kind of people. Sounds like maybe they have some issues.

However, that does not stop the peanut gallery from saying stuff about “you are blah blah blah years old why haven’t you had babies yet???”

Rude people. Wrong people. Crazy people. I don’t know but they’re not people I would hang out with.