vEaster Joy:
Apparently you haven’t read all the posts in this thread. There was one, for example, in which I mentioned calling my relative only to have my call not be returned, and then when I was able to see her in person and mention the topic I had called about in a light, pleasant way in case she hadn’t received my message … she didn’t seem open to talking much.
Besides that, you’re making incorrect assumptions. In fact, I have “exerted myself” to make the long drive, bring gifts, and share what I had thought were cordial visits, yes, more than one visit … with this relative and her family … I considered it a small miracle for instance when I received a real invitation earlier this year (as opposed to this non-invitation now) to drive up for my godchild’s First Holy Communion. I happily accepted, considered it an honor to be present for such an important occasion, and it looked at that time like some real healing could finally occur in the family. I remember the children’s birthdays and holidays with cards and gifts when I’m not able to be there personally, and we’ve talked on the phone. I’ve certainly tried reaching out over the years. And will continue to, despite this apparent setback.
…
Don’t get me wrong: that was a clumsy try at remembering you, at the very best.
Sorry. I should have worded that differently. I meant to* ask* whether the family has been expected to do most of the inviting, since in many families this is an unrecognized source of resentment: that is, the unmarried family members or the couples without children don’t do the inviting and never host because the hosting slips so easily from the parents to the next-generation family members who have children of their own (and usually bigger homes.) A few years go by, it is noticed that the family members without children have a lot more disposable income than those who are blessed with children, and you know where it goes from there. It may have nothing to do with you, but when there is some unexplained iciness
that did not exist in your childhood, it is worth looking for reasons for it. If the iciness existed since childhood or if some in-law decided from the start not to like you, it has this way of lasting past all rationality. Don’t go there.
The gracious response is still honest enough to imply “nice try but REALLY?!?”, even though it doesn’t come out and say it. It always pays to be a lot more gracious than you’d like, provided you still keep your boundaries–for instance, not lying about whether you would have let rain slow you down in the least.
Yes, I think the thing to do is to continue to keep a connection to the children. At some point, they’ll be the ones issuing the invitations, after all.
This is the same relative who I tried calling earlier this year when I had good news to pass along. The relative ended up being out of the house, never did return my call, and when I tried conveying the same news in person in a light, pleasant manner just in case my message never got through … well, let’s just say that her husband had treated me much friendlier on the phone than she did in person.
This sounds very much like someone who bears a grudge against you that she can’t admit to you directly. It may be as simple as being jealous that her life is not more like yours. I could go on with conjectures pulled out of thin air, but whatever it is, you cannot help that. You are right that you’re most likely going to stir up a hornet’s nest by investigating, rather than get any real answers.
Yes, just keep being pleasant to the family, and try to chalk up the relative’s social faux pas to her lack of grace, not to anything you did. A gracious person might figure out how to avoid inviting a really toxic relative, but would never send a text like the one you described. It is not likely that you two will ever be close, but the rest of the family probably likes you just fine. That is probably closer to par for the course than any of us like to think.
Who knows? She could resent that she lives close to everyone in the family and is expected to take a turn hosting whereas you aren’t because you live so far that the rest of the family doesn’t want to drive to your house for Christmas. It isn’t your fault that the family doesn’t want to include you in deciding who ought to host, but most grudges like this aren’t rational.
