Should I save the marriage after his affair?

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sunnysun

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Hello everyone,
Please forgive for what I think is going to be a long story…
My husband had a 4 month affair with a person we know and work with (which was really hard for me). We have been happily married for 16 years (or so I thought) and we dated 2 and a half years. We were more than just a couple, we were best friends. We have a professional office and the office makes more than enough (if I can put it that way)…and greed, $ and “loose lifestyle” got to him. I was seeing that, he wanted more cars, boat, always big and it was not enough, but I never thought that an affair could happen.
The only business meeting I could not make because of the kids… and right there, it happened! The person who attended the same business meeting invited him to a strip club and from there the rest happened. I found out 4 months later. The reason?..he said he was curious, that never felt free or sinful before and liked being liked outside the marriage…

It shattered my world! I am a very strong person and all of the sudden I had no control of anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, I lost about 10 pounds in a month, I contracted a STD, developed breast tumor, stomach polyps, could not eat and developed PTSD.

It has been a year now. I have grown so much…I learned that I made him my priority and not God whom should have always been. And it made me grow closer to God than ever before.

I decided to try to keep the marriage because my H had total regret, wanted to be a better person and grow closer to God. But things have been really hard. I was having a hard time looking at the person thorough all faults and pretend it had never happened, but I was better.

Recently, I left for 5 days to take my son for a treatment he receives and when we got back being all so happy to be back, I decided to use his iPad for search for a treatment for my little one and within the searches I saw he had been looking for a woman’s name. I asked him and he got all upset like “here we go again” and I did not argue but decided to check it out. I clicked on it and there it was… a woman a little more than half naked!
I asked again with proof in hand and again he said he was “curious”, he had seen it on TV and decided to check it out, I told him he needed to leave us this time. He had also done a search for the other woman on his computer before because he was “curious”.

What I don’t understand is how someone cannot get that little conscience prior to taking a bad step which you have committed before!

He is staying some place else now, but since it has been the only thing (that I know) since the affair happened I don’t know that I should still try to save this marriage!

He is not a bad dad or person, he is for everything else responsible, caring with my family, he is very close to my parents (and the opposite to his parents). But he was never taught good things my his family (I found out later). He is a scientist by profession and did not believe in God. He says now he does but still he did that search for that woman. I don’t know how much internally he cares or believes. He is working with a therapist (so am I).

So he is like a sack full of goodness with a hidden, dark side that I don’t even know he knows! I already set my limits but right now I don’t know if this is even worth working on…
 
I’m so sorry you have dealt with so much pain. Check for retrovaille in your diocese or in a close by diocese.

retrouvaille.org/

Think of your marriage as a most precious piece of china that has been damaged and you want to take it to be repaired and polished. ❤️

May God grant you all the graces you need in working for your marrriage. May God fill your husband’s heart with only the desires of following God and being a godly husband to you.

Peace.
 
You already got an STD because of him and it seems as though he is, or is going to cheat on you again so if I were you, I wouldn’t bother. Instead, I would apply for an annulment. If you do get an annulment, your children will still be considered valid.
 
Just sad to here. Of course we can’t tell you the answers on what to do.

Its a balancing act between whats right (righteousness) and forgiveness.

I’d say for sure in private with Gods omni presents always ask for forgiveness to those that have hurt or harmed you continuously ask and often.Even others forgive them. Always work on this.This should help with anxiety and with such a horrendous situation.
Ask that Gods will be done ask God( thy will be done).

Then follow your gut feelings or and what you feel down to your soul whats right for you now.
Sometime I feel led to let things slide and sometime not.
God did not make a doormat out of me by following this method.
Best of Luck
 
sunnysun said:
So he is like a sack full of goodness with a hidden, dark side that I don’t even know he knows! I already set my limits but right now I don’t know if this is even worth working on…
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Maybe. Maybe he’s like a sack full of - hmmmm. Well, possibly the rot started from within.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. So, here’s the deal. You keep talking about him-him-him.

Think he’s spending a lot of time apart thinking about you-you-you or just trying to find the other, or another, woman?

Take care of you and your kids.

His problem is his problem.
 
You should speak to your priest, make sure you get yourself into some counseling in order to keep yourself strong for your children, and don’t make any rash decisions. Take your time and allow God to guide you.
 
Sunnysun, the “here we go again” reaction jumped at me. LIke he’s blaming you for not getting over this “little minor incident” that happened a year ago. I have come across more caring, considerate and selfless people before. You say you are/were a strong person and I think it comes through in your post. You’re very wise to draw closer to God in this difficult time. I think the onus is on your husband to show he’s determined to change, to earn (some of) your trust back and to be transparent (no hiding nothing). I pray God enlightens him and makes him realize what he stands to lose. Of course, having free-will he may mess up despite being counselled by the quintessential counsellor (God).Good luck. I just read what Julia Mae wrote, and I agree that it does look like a mid-life crisis.
 
There is healing and recovery from these problems. I would recommend you attend a S-Anon meeting, for those affected by another’s sexual addiction.sanon.org/

There is also Sexaholics Anonymous for him sa.org/. He should avoid other “s-fellowships” because they do not have the firm bottom line SA does. The only licit sex for SA members is the same as the Church’s. Sex only between husband (male) and wife(female) with no masturbation.

This booklet by Father T. G Morrow is very helpful as well cfalive.com/resources/book-previews/achieving-chastity/

I will pray for you and your husband. As mentioned before retrovaille is very good. Don’t quit on your marriage. Do all you can to save it.

Yours with the Love of His Sacred Heart,
Patrick
 
Sunnysun,

You should take some time and educate yourself first and foremost about the sanctity of marriage as revealed by Christ, and upheld by the Catholic Church. You did not mention where or how you were married. Do not assume that an annulment is a guarantee. You must decide whether or not you believe in the sacrament. If the Church determines your marriage was valid, you can still divorce your husband, but you will still be married in the eyes of God. Prepare to live a celibate life in a state of grace.

Secondly, educate yourself about infidelity, how they start, why they continue, how to end them, and how to heal from them. www.survivinginfidelity.com is a great “secular” website to start with. Balance your education with spritual guidance from a confessor. Promise yourself that you will follow all the guidance the confessor gives to you.

I am a survivor of my spouse’s infidelity, hense my screen name - Dark Shadows. After 20 years of marriage, and 6 children, we are now 2 years into healing and have a stronger relationship and marriage now than we ever had before. The reason is because I believe in the sacrament of matrimony. I believe in the vow of for better or for worse. I believe spouses are joined together to help build each other spiritually to attain eternal happiness. It is hard to forgive, I pray for the grace to forgive every day. It is hard to forget the betrayal, I pray for the grace to forget every day. I could have walked away, I could have divorced. Whether your marriage survives rests more with you and your faith.

You must understand that God placed you in this position. It is a test of your faith, your beliefs, a trial by fire, God is using this situation for the good of your soul. It is not easy, but as time passes, the wound does heal. More importantly, for the first time in my life I truly know who I am, I am secure with my faith, and my spouse is back in a state of Grace, upholding our vow, and all heaven rejoices as a sinner returned to God.

I live each day carrying a cross that was not mine, the memories of the betrayal hang like Dark Shadows in my mind. I offer my pain and suffering in reparation for my sins, and the sins of the affair. We no longer speak of the affair. It is but a small flash in time compared to eternity. Out of love for my spouse and love for my Lord, I carry the cross, live with the dark shadows, and suffer in silence- with a peace in my soul.

I hope this all makes sense. Adultery is not a secular problem. It is an attack on God’s plan of the sanctity of marriage, an attack on His plan for the family, an attack on His plan for society’s foundation. Whether or not you choose a secular conclusion to your marriage, you will have to face the spiritual aspects one day as well. I will pray for you.
 
Dark_Shadows said:
Sunnysun,

You should take some time and educate yourself first and foremost about the sanctity of marriage as revealed by Christ, and upheld by the Catholic Church. You did not mention where or how you were married. Do not assume that an annulment is a guarantee. You must decide whether or not you believe in the sacrament. If the Church determines your marriage was valid, you can still divorce your husband, but you will still be married in the eyes of God. Prepare to live a celibate life in a state of grace.

Secondly, educate yourself about infidelity, how they start, why they continue, how to end them, and how to heal from them. www.survivinginfidelity.com is a great “secular” website to start with. Balance your education with spritual guidance from a confessor. Promise yourself that you will follow all the guidance the confessor gives to you.

I am a survivor of my spouse’s infidelity, hense my screen name - Dark Shadows. After 20 years of marriage, and 6 children, we are now 2 years into healing and have a stronger relationship and marriage now than we ever had before. The reason is because I believe in the sacrament of matrimony. I believe in the vow of for better or for worse. I believe spouses are joined together to help build each other spiritually to attain eternal happiness. It is hard to forgive, I pray for the grace to forgive every day. It is hard to forget the betrayal, I pray for the grace to forget every day. I could have walked away, I could have divorced. Whether your marriage survives rests more with you and your faith.

You must understand that God placed you in this position. It is a test of your faith, your beliefs, a trial by fire, God is using this situation for the good of your soul. It is not easy, but as time passes, the wound does heal. More importantly, for the first time in my life I truly know who I am, I am secure with my faith, and my spouse is back in a state of Grace, upholding our vow, and all heaven rejoices as a sinner returned to God.

I live each day carrying a cross that was not mine, the memories of the betrayal hang like Dark Shadows in my mind. I offer my pain and suffering in reparation for my sins, and the sins of the affair. We no longer speak of the affair. It is but a small flash in time compared to eternity. Out of love for my spouse and love for my Lord, I carry the cross, live with the dark shadows, and suffer in silence- with a peace in my soul.

I hope this all makes sense. Adultery is not a secular problem. It is an attack on God’s plan of the sanctity of marriage, an attack on His plan for the family, an attack on His plan for society’s foundation. Whether or not you choose a secular conclusion to your marriage, you will have to face the spiritual aspects one day as well. I will pray for you.
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Thank you for your deep and powerful witness. I think, God willing, the shadows will be filled with the light of Christ.

I do believe the only reason my wife has stayed with me is because of her faith in the sacrament. I know it will take years for me to fully my amends/reparation to her. I start by banishing lust from life and try to become capable of self-donative love.

St Mary, pray for us.

Yours,
Patrick
 
OP only you would know if you should stay in this “marriage”.

Do you feel your husband is remorseful?

Is he proving to you that he wants to save the marriage?

Does he even care that he has put your health at risk by giving you an STD?

Has he proven to you that you can trust him again?

Can you move past all the lies and the deceit?

Have you discussed all of this with your Priest?

Above all, do not allow anyone to guilt you into staying in a marriage and gluing back the broken china pieces all alone.
 
Sunnysun, at the end of the day, if your marriage is determined to be valid, you cannot end it. You can divorce and walk away but you must live celibate until “death do us part”.
To do otherwise would be to commit adultery. This is a hard truth, especially in today’s society, but it was a hard truth back in 30 AD as well. To live celibate and uphold your vow is not something to be looked at as a negative, rather, what a great opportunity to grow closer to Our Lord.

In the beginning of my experience with intimate betrayal I struggled with the natural law of “flight” or “fight”. It is much easier to run away. Temptations always offer the easy escape from the cross. Pray to understand this, and realize that you are not alone in this fight, Christ is carrying this cross with you, and when you are at your weakest, he will carry it for you and lift you up. Christ did not run from Judas’ betrayal.

God will make good come from this. The world will try everything it can to convince you otherwise, but I assure you, metal tested by fire comes out stronger and more beautiful on the other side.

Whether you choose to stay, fight and rebuild, or to leave him and part ways, you must stand firm in the faith you believe. Your eternal happiness is at stake.
 
OP: Leaving is not the easy way out nor is staying in this type of a marriage.

What is a reasonable life for someone else may very well not be a reasonable life for you and your children. For anyone to tell you to do either or is not what any of us should do.

Divorcing this sort of man is not the end of the world. Being celebate is not the most difficult challenge in life either. There is much peace in this life and being drawn closer to Christ in this life is remarkable.

Please speak with your Priest and do not allow anyone to guilt you into staying or leaving.
 
Horselvr, I am not speaking through, or using guilt to influence anyone, I can only speak through the real experience I have. I offer Sunnysun the truth of the situation she faces.

Re-read my posts and explain to me where you think I am off base or using guilt. I would be more than happy to discuss in more detail with you via PM.

Sunnysun, you have a long road ahead, and many tears, no matter what you do. Pray for God’s guidance and know that you are not alone.
 
I also have real life experience with a cheating (ex) spouse.

I am of the opinion that when children are involved, the focus of the marriage should be on the children, not the cheating spouse. As difficult as it may be, the spouses should do whatever they can to raise the children until they are adults before separating. There are obviously exceptions, such as physical abuse, but the OP’s post doesn’t indicate that.

Bad habits are hard to break. I think counseling is in order. The husband has to get his act together. He has to realize that his “fun” isn’t just hurting his spouse, but his children. Children tend to imitate their parents, and parents that are immoral are likely to have children act immoral now and later in life. The wife should also go to counseling, not because it’s her fault, but to work things out with the husband and be able to deal with the situation. Trust is something that when lost doesn’t come back easily. It takes a lot of effort over a long time.

Regarding comments on annulments: An annulment is not just something you are granted when the husband cheats sixteen years into the marriage. That is not the basis of an annulment. Annulments deal with issues as of the date of marriage.
 
Sunny,

I am truly sorry you are going through this; I also went through this; I was married for 15 years when the affair started and lasted 2 years, he was married also. She was also carrying on the affair even while we were in counseling. Now divorced and I have filed for an annulment. So many here will give you advice on what you should do – those that have also experienced this type of betrayal and those that have not. My view is this: do what is best for You and your Children flat out!

I also view this subject this way – 1) God’s law is not to covet thy neighbors spouse, 2) thou shall NOT commit adultery. Jesus also stated the in Matthew 19:8 “if a man divorces his wife, except for adultery, and marries another he himself commits adultery”. Again showing how devastating adultery is to the family unit.

It is much easier to forgive someone, even though it will take time, but trust can sometimes never be regained, in my opinion at least.

Also I read that some say that people should stay married until the children are adults, no disrespect to them but I totally disagree with that. I seen it first hand with my grand parents – where my grand mother HATED my grand father and it was obvious to family members. That is not the type of environment that children should be raised. But that is an individual (couple) decision.

I will pray that God grants you Peace and Happiness.

Winter
 
Sunnysun, sounds like a very difficult time. The retouvaille retreat was a good suggestion. seek out a wise priest or religious person for advice.
 
Darkshadows:

The OP needs to speak with her Priest and not swayed by you, me, or the man in the moon.

Kudos to you for having a husband that came to his senses and decided to try to make the marriage work.

Kudos to you for sticking it out. Some can some can’t.

She needs to speak with her Priest and not be guilted into making a decision especially a rash one…
 
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