Should I say something here? (cheating in family part deux)

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whatevergirl

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***Sigh. It is none of my business, BUT…should I say anything at all here to my sister, to my nephew?

It appears that my nephew isn’t even going to try to work on his marriage. He has decided to stay with his mom (my sister) until his wife moves out. First, I think it’s extremely risky to allow his wife to stay in the house, because I get the sense she won’t be paying the mortgage as she claims she is going to do, and will just clean the place out. It’s just stuff I know, but still…why allow someone to take you to the cleaners, after SHE cheated on him?

Second, I don’t get the sense that they are even making an ATTEMPT to work on this. I mean, since he found out, he left their home, and hasn’t been back. He packed his bags, and went to stay at a family friend’s home and now he is going to be staying with my sis until when, I don’t know.

I dunno, but to not even attempt to see if things can be salvagable? What do you think? I don’t think I’m going to say anything, but I just don’t get why they are so quick to throw in the towel–she isn’t even that remorseful frankly, so maybe that’s why he isn’t interested in trying. :confused::(***
 
whatevergirl said:
I dunno, but to not even attempt to see if things can be salvagable? What do you think? I don’t think I’m going to say anything, but I just don’t get why they are so quick to throw in the towel–she isn’t even that remorseful frankly, so maybe that’s why he isn’t interested in trying. :confused:😦
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It could be that at this time, neither is willing to give anything. Your nephew is hurt, and I would guess not in the mood to be forgiving yet. And his wife, as you say, isn’t really remorseful.

They may figure that right now, there isn’t anything to salvage. 🤷

Offering continued prayers for them.
:crossrc:
 
Hi “whatevergirl”. How sad all of this is. 😦 I will keep your nephew, his wife, your sister and you… in my prayers.

Do you have a close relationship with your nephew? Can the two of you sit down, and talk about things? Is he a practicing Catholic? If so… perhaps you and he can have lunch… and talk about it. Maybe you can suggest Retrouvaille (marriage counseling ministry) to him?

retrouvaille.org/

I wish I had better answers for you, “whatevergirl”. You may have to get tough on this. You may not be popular for it… but that’s sometimes what we have to do. :sad_yes:

Nothing is so difficult, as having to stand by and watch people you love… make huge mistakes. :nope: A similar situation happened, with one of my sisters about 6 years ago. She abandoned her sacramental marriage… (not due to cheating… but to illness); and “re-married” to someone else, in a civil union.

I will never forget my sisters reaction … when I told her that she was in danger of “losing her immortal soul”… because she had divorced and was existing in a civil marriage (adultery). It was hard for me to do it… and I thought my relationship with my sister had ended.

But it didn’t. We still love each other, and she’s now realized… the huge mistake she’s made; she regrets her mistake, very much… and is working toward getting out of it.

I pray that your nephew and his wife… may be able to work it out.
 
*You know, retrouvaille is a great idea, for me to suggest. I think that the problem from what I can sense, goes beyond this one incident of cheating. I heard that this wasn’t the first time she was flirting with men, kissing, etc…for all I know, in my nephew’s mind, he has given his wife ‘chances,’ and this was the final straw. That could be, just dawned on me. I say this, because my sister talked about how he had found emails, texts, to other men, besides this man. I don’t know.

I will make that suggestion, thank you!

I don’t think it’s wise for him to leave the home…I think he should tell her, pack your bags, and move out, because she cheated, she should have to be inconvenienced, in my opinion. I understand the need to separate until they get their heads straight, but it doesn’t seem like a separation–seems like he has called it quits. Again, I don’t live with them, hard to tell if he has been patient for a while, and her behavior got worse.

Thank you for your prayers…I just feel so sad for them. :(*
 
This is just my 2 cents based on this happening in my marriage.

Everyone got involed and made things worse… the constant discussing MY marriage and being in the middle made it impossible for my husband and I to even talk to each other… we havent spoken in 5 years and never will again.
I felt there was nothing sacred about my marriage when the whole world got in the middle of it.

There is something to be said about staying out of anothers marriage and problems.

I am sure you mean no harm but… it makes things worse when too many get involved.

They both need time to think.
 
*I think I needed to hear this, today. I think that on the one hand, I could offer some words of encouragement, but it’s not up for me to decide.

This is going to sound perhaps very rude, and I don’t mean it this way–but I think that my nephew staying with his mom is an unwise choice. My sister said to me she will try to be neutral, but come on…her son staying with her through this? Every mother will typically take the side of her own kid. Especially in a situation like this, so I don’t think that she will be saying…‘hey you should try to work on things with your wife.’ I just don’t see it. And that’s not good. I think he wants to stay with family, and probably wants to save money, and not go out and rent a place, while they are still saddled with a huge mortgage, but still. I just don’t see this getting resolved if he is staying with his mom…a mom who never liked this girl to begin with, frankly. :o

I appreciate your sentiments…so should I remain absolutely silent? I do like the retrouvaille idea…*
 
Hey… just my two cents here…

Extend to him love and prayers. You came to the same conclusion I was coming here to post… you don’t know but that this latest incident may have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She may have been a cheater during the dating period, engagement period, and you don’t say how long they’ve been married, but I gather they’re a relatively new couple.

If she is not remorseful, that may be what is preventing him from going back to her. Maybe your nephew deserves more than a wife who thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence every time she meets a new man. Do you want this kind of woman teaching values to your nephew’s future children?

Let her clean him out. Seriously. It’s just stuff. He can get new stuff. And if he ever gets an annulment based on what seems to be a pattern of behavior indicating she never believed marriage was exclusive, he won’t want the stuff from his misbegotten union with her. And a future wife won’t want reminders of her anyway.

A man can rebuild his life more quickly than a woman. Often his earning powers are greater.

Let her choke on all the stuff. If it comes to divorce, the stuff that was his before the marriage stays his. That’s probably all he wants anyway.

When your heart has been gutted, furniture and curtains and CDs don’t mean much.

Just be there for him and your sister. It has to hurt her watching her son go through this. And if she saw any indications of this side of the DIL before the marriage, she may be feeling guilty that she didn’t speak up sooner to avert this pain.

I don’t know your nephew and if he is the kind who could ever really forgive this kind of betrayal. But it sounds like he’s had to forgive much. Eventually you spend your life waiting for the next time and the next time. Doesn’t he deserve better? Does he want to go through life having to insist on paternity tests for the children she has to be sure they are his? Being alone is better than that!

No one knows but the parties involved what really went on in a marriage. Your role as his aunt, and your sister’s role as his mother, is to just be loving and supportive and pray for him and help him to see ways to make this an opportunity to get closer to God.

You don’t know if the woman entertained her BF in the house. Maybe that’s why your nephew doesn’t even want to be in there anymore. There’s lots you don’t know about this situation. So the best thing you can do is just give him your loving silence, hugs and tell him you’re sorry he’s hurting. He has to figure this out for himself with no pressure from anyone to make any decision or not.
 
Hi Sharon,
Oh do I understand the desire to “fix” something that is broken. But comes a time when we have to step back and let the broken parts work on their own fixing. As women, it is in our nature to want to fix things…our kids…our spouses…other people…but we can’t do it all the time. I have always been of the opinion that you “make your case” gently and carefully, and then let it go. It really is not up to you who does what( I mean this gently!:)) They are old enough. As far as your nephew, maybe he “needs” his mom right now. I know lots of times when I am “needing” someone, it’s my mom I want.
I will keep you all in my prayers.

Kathy
 
Stjudeprayforus said:
This is just my 2 cents based on this happening in my marriage.

Everyone got involed and made things worse… the constant discussing MY marriage and being in the middle made it impossible for my husband and I to even talk to each other… we havent spoken in 5 years and never will again.
I felt there was nothing sacred about my marriage when the whole world got in the middle of it.

There is something to be said about staying out of anothers marriage and problems.

I am sure you mean no harm but… it makes things worse when too many get involved.

They both need time to think.
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Aww. So sorry “StJ” 😦 :console: That’s why I asked her if she had a close relationship with her nephew, and could talk to him about it.

It happened, that I did have a very close relationship with my sister; and I risked a lot, by talking to her… as I did. The possibility that she might not speak to me again… or let me see my nephew and niece. Or that she would get angry with me, and bad mouth me to the rest of the family. :sad_yes: But she did NOT do any of those things. And we remain close sisters.

All I knew is that I want my sister in Heaven, one day. And you don’t get to Heaven by committing adultery. “whatevergirl’s” nephew may be able to get the marriage annulled, or something. It’s worth suggesting Retrouvaille, for her nephew’s sake.

“whatevergirl”… I really feel for you. That you’re in this position.
 
I just read the old thread.

It’s always fun when you’re in the middle of being betrayed and divorced and then everyone comes out of the woodwork and tells you how they never liked your choice of spouse. They were able to see glaring faults and everyone carefully kept it a secret from you believing that you were so blindly in love that you wouldn’t listen and the kind thing to do would be to allow you to continue on and stumble blindly over a cliff.

Or at least that’s how it looks in retrospect.

Your sister wasn’t blinded by love when she met the DIL. What did she see then? The fact she wrote that letter to your son and his treatment of his mother and the problems he had with her all need to play out. Now his mother has credibility in his eyes because it turns out she was right. As moms often are.

So the DIL is trying to lose weight and goes on diet pills. Is that to make her new boyfriend happy? Neglecting the dogs… cheating. DUI time. Sounds like a whole lot of icky stuff is making its way to the surface. How she reacts to stress, how she takes care of things when she is distracted… be glad the dogs weren’t babies she was ignoring and letting become unhealthy.

Doesn’t matter how proper they looked or how educated or what their paychecks were. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of God in this union. Maybe your nephew will realize eventually that a woman who loves God and serves Him will make a better wife than someone who uses her church as a backdrop for a killer wedding and then never goes again.

Your nephew chose badly. He’s paying for it now. We all do when we choose badly. He allowed his wife to drag him away from God. Now she’s gone off the deep end and he’s adrift. Thank goodness he has family who love him and brothers who are loyal and a mother and aunt who love him. He’ll make it through this. And probably only need a short form annulment. (Seems she had no desire to have children either. Four years into it and no baby?) This could make him grow up and start appreciating what has true value. All that glitters is not gold. The patina has worn off this woman. He’s had 4 years to see the real her. She’s not ready to be married. Unless she had a real conversion of soul, there isn’t much to work with here.

But just keep repeating to your nephew how sorry you are that he’s hurting. And that God loves him and his wife’s behavior is no reflection on his worth as a human being.

It doesn’t matter if he was perfect or not. He didn’t deserve to be cheated on. His fidelity was rewarded with betrayal. But someday when he looks at his life, if he allows this to turn his heart completely to God, he may look back on this time and realize she did him the biggest favor of all. Because God can bring goodness out of evil. And her leaving him may end up saving his soul.

You can help him by helping find a good home for the dogs. They are the innocent parties in this too.
 
*Oh my gosh!!! Liberano, I don’t want to cry right now, I’m at work…but gosh, your post hits home. :bighanky: I thought so much of that when I went to their ‘killer’ wedding. So true. He was raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools, and chose to be married in her church? I just didn’t like it. I didn’t want to judge her, I barely knew her myself. She was quite a different girl, when I met her 6 years ago, prior to their engagement…she was so full of smiles and life. Loved my nephew…really almost idolized him…maybe it wasn’t love, afterall. There’s a difference.

A major thing that went wrong here, is that they lived together for a looooong time. I would tell my sister that that wasn’t cool, that he will probably end up asking her to marry him out of obligation. They lived together for five years out of college…I mean, when was he getting around to it, you know? I think she pressured him, as she wanted the ‘perfect’ life, and the lifestyle she knew he could give her. It isn’t all her, I know this, my nephew probably saw warning signs and just kept forging ahead.

Ugh, why do people do this?? :(🤷

I didn’t expect your post to cause me to cry. It just hits home to the core. My sister said so much of what you post here…and she said as much in that letter, as you recall, from when she fled their home last year during the holidays. I told her, hey, you’re not nuts! ha

I always thought she was insecure, and when insecurity rules someone’s life, he/she acts out in bizarre ways…as we can see here. As you say, diet pills, drinking binges, ignoring her animals that she once loved, cheating…it’s a pattern that points to the insecurities that were always there, I suppose.

I really like your advice, and when the time is right for him to hear my words, I’m going to contact him, and say just that. I am not one to butt in and say…you should do this or that, but I think he needs to just know I’m here.

I’m struggling with what to PRAY for him. I prayed yesterday and today in the Rosary, that she gets the help she needs, and that they are both drawn to Christ through this. Is it wrong to not pray for them to be reconciled? Or should I be praying for that?

I see many threads on here about people who cheat, and the wife or husband remains for years and years, and just keeps working on it. When is it enough, and how do you know if God wants the union to continue? I have been thinking about this, lately. :(*
 
Whatevergirl… what a nice person you are.

It is beautiful to see you praying for the right thing to happen.

Whatever you decide to do is obviously going to come from the right place in your heart.

God bless you.
 
*I remember their wedding…and I remember that she never once came over to me, thanked me for coming…nothing…nada…I think I went over to her, and she was very cold. It was weird. My nephew cried at his wedding, when he gave a thank you speech…

I remember something so vividly though…his wife was walking in front of him, like holding up her long dress, and he accidently tripped and stepped on the back of it, and she turned around, with a scowl on her face so angry, so mean…glared at him, and then yanked her dress out from under his foot, and he looked so sorry that he did that. I wish I could stop crying over this, but I remember that, like it was yesterday. I had a terrible feeling in my heart when I saw her face, and his apologetic look. I thought, oh boy, this is how their marriage will be. I tried to not dwell on it, but it definitely is coming to mind, now. 😦

Thanks stjude for your comments. I guess I wonder why some people stay in marriages that have a lot of infidelity, and just keep forgiving over and over…or the man leaves…the woman leaves the house…takes up with their lover…and the spouse just keeps begging God to bring the spouse back. And I often pray that those marriage are reconciled, but with my nephew, should I be praying that? If God despises divorce, what should one be praying in such a circumstance? I know, that sounds strange…what should I pray? 😊*
 
Sweetie, try this. It’s along the theme of what a wonderful spiritual director told me to pray, and I’ll tailor it for this situation:

Dear God,
Grant this couple the strength and courage and wisdom to know what to do in this situation. Help them to know a course of action that will be the best for the salvation of the immortal soul of everyone involved. Draw them closer to You. If remaining together would keep them from You for eternity, help them to see that temporary sorrow is nothing compared to an eternity separated from You. Give those who love them the wisdom to offer counsel that will benefit their souls and bring them healing. Give them also the wisdom to know when to be silent so these young people can hear Your voice.
 
I have not posted much and am not sure to whom this post is directed, meaning I’m sorry if I “post” out of turn, but there is much to be considered here, not just what one sees.

What you see is a “marriage” having problems. Was there one to begin with? There is a presumption that they both had the same thoughts on the matter. Do to the things that you have mentioned there is reason to believe otherwise.

As one poster mentioned he is where he belongs, with his family. I would not allow him to hound her in my home though. I would emphasize that he married her and encourage him to deal with it. I would encourage him to re-examine why he chose to marry her (as his Mother, not his Aunt). After this re-examination, I would insist that he act accordingly. That is, truly seeing her for what she was, and what she has become.

I would insist that before acting that he forgive her. The betrayal that he feels is debilitating. I would insist that he work on not allowing himself to hate. This is for him, and his soul, not for anyone else. This is the acceptance that most betrayers are liars. Therefore he must protect himself from allowing her to do him additional damage. I would have him make sure, since he has left, that her ability to put him further in debt be immediately halted. Whatever debt he has now, they entered into cooperatively.

Adultery just happens to be one reason that an annulment may be granted. If this is what he chooses, along with a civil divorce, I would encourage him not to allow it to be drawn out and to sign over whatever she wants to make a clean break. He cannot force her to be a decent fair person, legally or otherwise. Wish her well, and truly mean it, dust her from his hands and walk away!

I would insist he pull himself up by his bootstraps, and make sure that he knows his family is there to support him in his fair proper decisions.

With God’s graces…

P.S. Pray that they be granted the graces necessary to make the proper decisions.
 
Hey WG,👋 How are you doing this afternoon? A lot of good advice so far, not much I could add at this time, except to pray that God will be done.🙂
 
whatevergirl said:
I see many threads on here about people who cheat, and the wife or husband remains for years and years, and just keeps working on it. When is it enough, and how do you know if God wants the union to continue? I have been thinking about this, lately. :(*
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Hi Whatevergirl,

You may not remember me, but not too long ago I posted a similar question “when do you give up and file for divorce?” You were very kind, loving, and gentle in your responses. 😊 I will forever be grateful for the advice offered on this board.

I am sorry to see that your loved ones are experiencing this kind of confusion and anxiety as well. It is an awful decision to make and I’m sure your nephew is struggling.

The only advice I can give (because I am still accepting the fate of my own marriage) is that your nephew pray for God’s guidance, grace and peace.

Now, I will return the gift you once gave me in my time of despair and PRAY for you and your loved ones.
 
*Oh BMB, THANK YOU!

You are always in my prayers, ever since reading your situation.

Ok, so I sent a note to my brother in law (my ex BIL) to show him pics of my kids…it’s been a while since he’s seen them, and so I casually asked if he had talked to his son recently (the one relating to this thread) and his response?

“I saw him this weekend. Been there, done that.” :eek: Uh, ok. My sister didn’t cheat on my brother in law…he thinks she did, but she didn’t. She started seeing men right after they divorced, but not during their marriage. I ignored the comment, and just said…I’ll pray for your son.

Oh well…I guess perception is everything. *
 
Prayers for your nephew and everyone involved.
I second the poster who remarked about how many people let you know all of the red flags they saw in the relationship, relating past incidents, etc, that they never bothered to mention. After I was left by my ex for another woman, hearing those stories made me feel like even more of a failure…thinking yet again that “everyone knew something and kept it from me”…when I was already struggling with issues of who to trust, feeling stupid and blind, and dealing with the pain of realizing that the past wasn’t what it seemed to be…so I would advise to not bringing up memories/stories to your nephew or other family members.

There is always much more to the story than we know. Too many people offer advice, conflicting, emotionally driven advice. Sometimes it throws the sufferer into even more of a tailspin and drowns out the voice of God. So I would encourage you to help your nephew to keep turning to God and listen for His voice. It may or may not be best for them to reconcile/attempt to reconcile at this point, we simply don’t know. Your nephew needs God right now more than anyone else.

Sorry your family is going through this 😦

God bless
 
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