Should I say something

[EasterJoy]

For the record, you don’t know how much unemployment has effected me and my family from time to time, so don’t assume I don’t have any experience with the subject. I still wouldn’t read that much into the friend’s flip remarks, especially my own situation. I just see it as someone that is flip, it doesn’t bother me because I know many people that make flip remarks but don’t mean everything you are reading into those thoughtless remarks. I know people that make a comment without thinking sometimes and I’d rather give that person the benefit of the doubt than to overreact and cut off a friendship that has been mutually beneficial. I know people that make flip remarks about the homeless but then turn around and volunteer every week at the food bank. Or make a flip remark about struggling students in school but then volunteer to be a Big Brother or Sister. Sometimes the words that come out of people’s mouths don’t always match what is in their hearts. Goes both ways too, sometimes people say all the right things but hold hatred and contempt in their hearts. If it was me in the situation, I’d rather take a good hard look at myself and work on being less insensitive to the same flip remarks than to damage a friendship. Sometimes God puts these kinds of people in our lives to work on OURSELVES, and not on correcting other people for their flip and thoughtless behavior.

Of course, yes, we’ve all made a stupid comment that was not made with the intention to hurt anyone. Does the fact that the some rude remark could have been aimed at us at some other point in our lives make any difference in whether the remark is rude? Does empathy require experience, or does experience remove the need for empathy? The problem is that if this fellow made these flip comments without thinking and without meaning any harm, then he would apologize when he found he had unknowingly offended someone. Had he done that, the OP would not find him a problem. As it is, however, he doesn’t think that concerning himself with the feelings of others is his problem. That is simply not true.

It is a spiritual work of mercy to bear wrongs patiently, yes, but who is saying that the OP has not done that? Did she scream at him? No, she let him know that his comments were hurtful. There isn’t anything wrong with that. After all, it is also a spiritual work of mercy to admonish the sinner and to instruct the ignorant. Love is never rude. He does not have an excuse, he ought to be admonished and others ought to be protected from his thoughtless remarks, and I fail to see what is to be gained by defending his behavior.

 

[PatriceA]

Nope, this guys behavior is not at all Christ like. I have a strong personality, the gas pump comment would have gotten an immediate response. “Wow that was uncalled for.” with a serious look of disdain. In fact I’m pretty sure every nasty comment would have been acknowledged with a response. “Didn’t your mother teach you if you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.” “Wow, how Christian of you.” (sarcasm)
** I have to wonder if a lot the people that think the OP is being overly sensitive talk the same way about others they think are “lower” than them.** I really don’t think you can appeal to his “better nature.” I think he will think, what apparently some people here think, that there is nothing wrong with these unnecessary comments - that your “too sensitive”. And don’t lie, his opinion is not respectable. I would just make very short comments every time and then walk away. Or just a shocked or disgusted look and walk away. Sitting there silently is acceptance.

That’s a wild assumption about “some” people in this thread that have a different point of view about the OP’s situation. A bit uncharitable, how ironic.

 

[PatriceA]

Of course, yes, we’ve all made a stupid comment that was not made with the intention to hurt anyone. Does the fact that the some rude remark could have been aimed at us at some other point in our lives make any difference in whether the remark is rude? Does empathy require experience, or does experience remove the need for empathy? The problem is that if this fellow made these flip comments without thinking and without meaning any harm, then he would apologize when he found he had unknowingly offended someone. Had he done that, the OP would not find him a problem. As it is, however, he doesn’t think that concerning himself with the feelings of others is his problem. That is simply not true.

It is a spiritual work of mercy to bear wrongs patiently, yes, but who is saying that the OP has not done that? Did she scream at him? No, she let him know that his comments were hurtful. There isn’t anything wrong with that. After all, it is also a spiritual work of mercy to admonish the sinner and to instruct the ignorant. Love is never rude. He does not have an excuse, he ought to be admonished and others ought to be protected from his thoughtless remarks, and I fail to see what is to be gained by defending his behavior.

She hasn’t said anything to him directly. But brought the subject to a public message board, and all of us in this thread have had no problem picking apart this guy in all our comments. Have we shown any compassion or Christ like behavior towards someone we don’t know? Nope. Shame on us.

 

[EasterJoy]

She hasn’t said anything to him directly. But brought the subject to a public message board, and all of us in this thread have had no problem picking apart this guy in all our comments. Have we shown any compassion or Christ like behavior towards someone we don’t know? Nope. Shame on us.

You must be joking. A “public” message board…use the information given here, and point this man out to me. Who is he? How is it possible that the OP has hurt the reputation of someone who cannot be identified, except by bad behavior that he exhibited in public? The only people who would recognize this guy are people who have actually witnessed what he said. If this was about acts he’d committed in private, somebody who sat in the pew next to him every week could read this and not dream they knew the fellow she was talking about.

Since you replied to me that shame is in order, report to me which comment I ought to be ashamed of. What have I said about this fellow that I wouldn’t say to my own brother, or to this man’s face? His comments are out-of-bounds, and there is no reason to believe he’ll stop them even around the OP if he is not admonished. Still, I’ve let her know that if he won’t stop, her other option is to simply walk away. And, I will remind you, I also told the OP this:

There is only one catch, of course: If you gossip about anyone else, you have to cut it out. That’s not such a steep price to pay. So if “Bob” says, “You should talk! You never stop gossiping about other people behind their backs, only you pretend that you’re being ‘caring’, even though you say things you’d never say to their faces!!” you can say, “You know, Bob, you’re right. I should bite my tongue a lot more, too. Why don’t we work on that together? I’ll call you on it, you call me on it, we’ll both be better Catholics.”

If you admonish someone else, you have to be willing to walk the talk and be called on it yourself. Fine. I just don’t see that I’ve implied anything about this guy except that his outward behavior does not have an excuse, particularly not coming from someone who has accepted a leadership position in the parish, and it deserves to be corrected in no uncertain terms.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well, I said something and he did not like it. I told him how I was offended about our last conversation and how I felt some of his comments were judgemental. Well…… he was offended needless to say. He told me that this is the first time he ever heard anyone tell him it is obvious he judges people on their income. He then proceeded to bring up all the nice things he did for me over the years and that he was offended I could actually said that about him.

I tried to point out that working in a gas station could be God’s will and it is not nice to say ‘Joe’s kid is not good in school but we need people to pump gas’. Well he just when on and on about all the things wrong with Joe’s kid and refused to see that pumping gas is a noble profession where one has the opportunity to touch a lot of people’s life in a positive way.

Then, he said he was not going to change and proceeded to point out all the other people who talk like him. Then, he said that I needed to look at myself and understand how I was wrong.

He asked what he was suppose to do different and when I said ‘well, when I make a statement such as xyz like I did the other day, don’t just tell me I am wrong, be softer in your reply so we can discuss it’ and he turns around and says ‘but in that case you are SO wrong.’

It was obvious he just wanted to discuss whether working in a gas station was noble or not and had no desire to see the underlying issue was his attitude. I told him ‘Well, we are just going to go in circles now and there is no point to continuing this conversation’.

Honestly, I feel I tried to point a few things out to him and he was closed to my feedback. I think I will just avoid him from now on because I don’t feel good about myself around him.

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, I said something and he did not like it. I told him how I was offended about our last conversation and how I felt some of his comments were judgemental. Well…… he was offended needless to say. He told me that this is the first time he ever heard anyone tell him it is obvious he judges people on their income. He then proceeded to bring up all the nice things he did for me over the years and that he was offended I could actually said that about him.

I tried to point out that working in a gas station could be God’s will and it is not nice to say ‘Joe’s kid is not good in school but we need people to pump gas’. Well he just when on and on about all the things wrong with Joe’s kid and refused to see that pumping gas is a noble profession where one has the opportunity to touch a lot of people’s life in a positive way.

Then, he said he was not going to change and proceeded to point out all the other people who talk like him. Then, he said that I needed to look at myself and understand how I was wrong.

He asked what he was suppose to do different and when I said ‘well, when I make a statement such as xyz like I did the other day, don’t just tell me I am wrong, be softer in your reply so we can discuss it’ and he turns around and says ‘but in that case you are SO wrong.’

It was obvious he just wanted to discuss whether working in a gas station was noble or not and had no desire to see the underlying issue was his attitude. I told him ‘Well, we are just going to go in circles now and there is no point to continuing this conversation’.

Honestly, I feel I tried to point a few things out to him and he was closed to my feedback. I think I will just avoid him from now on because I don’t feel good about myself around him.

Angie

You did what you can. After this, I think I’d just say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. It isn’t a hard concept. That’s all I’m saying.” If he argues, you can say, “This is not up for discussion, and it is not about whether you’re right or not…It is, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” If he argues, say, “well, I tried…this is not working” and just walk off. Other than that, though, if he behaves himself there is no reason to avoid him. Remember: this is not about him as a person, either. This is about a certain bad behavior. When he doesn’t behave that way, then hope he won’t and do not shun him until he does. In the meantime, he probably does many nice things and perhaps can be a rather enjoyable person to be around. Certainly you can tolerate each other in small doses, whatever the case. If the worse he does is to say, “Oooops! Anglewannabe is here! Everybody mind their manners! Don’t saying anything that isn’t PC!” then be a good sport and say, “Thank you, Bob, I appreciate that. I trust that won’t be overly difficult, right?”

Do not get into discussions with him, though. That is a case where you do either have to have a tough enough skin for whoever you are discussing something with or else just don’t discuss it. This is why so many people will not talk about religion or politics with most of the rest of the human race. You can just say, “We discuss very differently. You and I both know that. Let’s just not get into one of those, because we can’t even agree how to have a discussion, let alone hope to come to any of the same conclusions, and it would be better to just stay out of discussions so we can stay friends.”

If you do have a discussion about this particular issue, though, do not make conjectures about what he thinks about other people. You are not a mind reader. Stick with the issue of whether the words that come out of his mouth are kind or not, true or not, necessary or not. Don’t presume to know what thoughts or feelings were behind his words, though. That gets personal very fast, and that is better avoided. In fact, it is best to put the best possible motives behind what others do, even if you are 99% sure that their motives are nothing like that. First off, you don’t hurt the 1% whose motives really are good, and second, you let the rest know you believe that the best motives are something you can believe they actually have. People often rise to that expectation.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Why would you brush it off more easily if they were “secular people”?
.

When people are secular, they do not go to religious functions where the goal is to grow closer to God. For example, if I was shopping and someone acted like that, I would say to myself ‘this person is here to do their shopping and not grow closer to God’.

But when someone is actively involved in church, I assume they are wanting to grow closer to God and my hopes go up that I have met someone who understands God’s way. When they are narrow minded, I fell I was had. Kind of like I feel for a marketing scheme where the add lures me in but the product is bad.

Does that make sense?

Angie

 

[Luvz2travel]

I have a friend from church. What I really like about her is she is a devout Catholic. Sadly most people I meet go to church out of habit and do not see the point of following all the church teachings. And people like her are few and far between.

However, it has gotten to the point where her husband has hurt my feelings once too often and I want to speak up but I don’t know how. He has a good career and I am sure he is a hard worker. However, he is one of those people who seems to get his worth as a human from his career success and thinks he is a notch above everyone else because of it. He will often make uncharitable remarks. For example, if someone else’s kid is struggling in school he will say things ‘Well, we do need people to pump gas’. Being unemployed these comments really hurt me. I just feel like screaming ‘If he was not pumping gas, how would you get to drive your fancy car’.

And, it is very obvious his wife shares his attitude. If they were secular people, I would brush it off more easily. But when I see all they do for the church yet have no compassion for me, I am baffled. They are so busy making sure the church has greeters and readers and Eucharistic ministers which are all positive things. But Jesus told us to ‘love each other as I have loved you’ and to care for the widow and orphans. I might not be a widow or an orphan, but at this point I am one of the unfortunates of society and when they are around me, it is so obvious that is one part of the bible they don’t practice.

To be honest, I don’t expect them to help me because I know there is nothing they can do to help me find a job (except perhaps pray). And I understand it is my responsibility to apply for jobs. But when ‘John Smith’ looses his job and I say ‘How sad, I must remember to pray for him’ and this guy says ‘I am not surprised the guy was lazy’, I am finding it REALLY hard to keep biting my tongue.

Honestly, my biggest fear is anything I say to this guy, he will be polite to my face but in the back of his mind (and possibly behind my back) he will be saying ‘that Angie is so wrong’

Any words of wisdom?

I would let him know the Christ said: “blessed be the meek for they shall inherit the kingdom of GOD”

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

When people are secular, they do not go to religious functions where the goal is to grow closer to God. For example, if I was shopping and someone acted like that, I would say to myself ‘this person is here to do their shopping and not grow closer to God’.

But when someone is actively involved in church, I assume they are wanting to grow closer to God and my hopes go up that I have met someone who understands God’s way. When they are narrow minded, I fell I was had. Kind of like I feel for a marketing scheme where the add lures me in but the product is bad.

Does that make sense?

Angie

Well, except that you go to the dentist all of the time and are not scandalized that the waiting room is full of people with bad teeth, right? The rest of the people at church are not the “product”. They, like you, are the “project”, and it is always a work in progress.