E
EasterJoy
Guest
If federal HIPPA regulations applied to you, you would know what they are. Your employer would have told you about them ad nauseum, trust us on that!
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
- Status
- Not open for further replies.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
There are confidences, BTW, that everyone will be better off if you do not tell your wife. You don’t want her getting a subpoena or having to testify in court! (But I don’t think that is the kind of secret from work that you mean.)I tell my wife everything. just the idea of hiding something from her makes me quake. If someone tells me something in confidence, they’re telling her too. There are no secrets between my wife and I.
A
Anglewannabe
Guest
Just curious, but why would you want to tell your husband? If the information is so disturbing, you need to talk to your husband so that you can feel better because it is too much of a load for you to carry, then I would call SIL, and say ‘this is a lot for me to keep secret, if you do not want me to tell my husband, then I am going to have to ask you to quit sharing with me’My SIL (who is married to my husband’s brother) told me some things that were very disturbing - she is having a lot of trouble in her marriage, her teenage son is depressed. I am worried for her and am praying for her. I asked her if I could share what she told me with my husband and she did not answer. So what do I do? What would you do? Thanks!
Trust me, is SIL does NOT want your husband to know, the rift in the family will be humongous if you tell
Angie
A
Anglewannabe
Guest
As long as you let people know upfront that you tell your wife everything, then it is OK. However, since not everyone sees things to way you do, I think it is not very nice to listen without telling the other person your wife will find outWhat someone tells me, they’re telling my wife as well. It’s just how it is.
O
on_the_hill
Guest
How would anyone know if I told my wife something I should t have? If they’d ask me, I’d simply say, “No.”There are confidences, BTW, that everyone will be better off if you do not tell your wife. You don’t want her getting a subpoena or having to testify in court! (But I don’t think that is the kind of secret from work that you mean.)
X
Xantippe
Guest
If your husband’s brother’s wife chooses to confide in you about serious marital problems, is she really expecting you to keep your husband in the dark? That seems a very unfair expectation to have, as if this becomes public later on, the OP’s husband may be very upset if the OP didn’t tell him what was going on with his very own brother. SIL could have confided in 6 billion other people on the planet who didn’t have that familial conflict of interest, but she chose to confide in the OP, which puts the OP in a very uncomfortable position with regard to her husband. The question is, how much would the SIL mind the information being shared? It’s possible that she wants both the OP and the OP’s husband to intervene in the situation and that’s why she mentioned the problem. The OP’s husband is certainly in a better position to talk to his brother than the OP is. It might make sense to give SIL a heads-up and then explain the situation to the OP’s husband.
I understand that there are professional needs for confidentiality (my husband is sometimes purposely omits names and identifying details when telling work stories), but this is not one of those cases. My personal boundary is that I would not keep secrets from my husband that he has a right to know, but there may be things I don’t tell him that don’t fit into that category (say, for instance, that a good friend has an embarrassing medical condition). On the other hand, let’s say that I was told in confidence that a near relative of my husband was starting to show signs of dementia or had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don’t think that I could properly hide that information from him–he would have a right and a need to know that, because it’s important for his decision-making process.
I understand that there are professional needs for confidentiality (my husband is sometimes purposely omits names and identifying details when telling work stories), but this is not one of those cases. My personal boundary is that I would not keep secrets from my husband that he has a right to know, but there may be things I don’t tell him that don’t fit into that category (say, for instance, that a good friend has an embarrassing medical condition). On the other hand, let’s say that I was told in confidence that a near relative of my husband was starting to show signs of dementia or had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don’t think that I could properly hide that information from him–he would have a right and a need to know that, because it’s important for his decision-making process.
E
Evania
Guest
How is keeping a person’s confidence disrupting the trust between spouses? If someone confides a personal hardship and comes to you for advice that is inconsequential to your family or marriage, and you share it, it is gossip. Isn’t gossiping a sin no matter who you do it with? Now, to be clear, if this person is acting or behaving innappropriately, causing trouble or placing a heavy burden of knowledge on you then yes, I agree it would be wise to tell your spouse. However, telling your wife about your friend Fred’s embarrassing problem with x,y, or z is gossip.
To the OP: I think that it’s your call. If it’s a causing you stress, it would probably be a good idea to let your husband know. Like others have suggested, it might be a good idea to try getting her permission first, however, if it’s really bothering you, definitely get the support of your husband.
To the OP: I think that it’s your call. If it’s a causing you stress, it would probably be a good idea to let your husband know. Like others have suggested, it might be a good idea to try getting her permission first, however, if it’s really bothering you, definitely get the support of your husband.
X
Xantippe
Guest
“If someone confides a personal hardship and comes to you for advice that is inconsequential to your family or marriage, and you share it, it is gossip. Isn’t gossiping a sin no matter who you do it with?”
But that’s not the situation, is it? It’s the OP’s husband’s brother, so it is one of his closest blood relatives. Furthermore, there’s also the depressive nephew, who is also a blood relative to the husband, but to a lesser degree than a brother.
But that’s not the situation, is it? It’s the OP’s husband’s brother, so it is one of his closest blood relatives. Furthermore, there’s also the depressive nephew, who is also a blood relative to the husband, but to a lesser degree than a brother.
E
Evania
Guest
I totally agree with you. I edited my post to clarify my thoughts on the OP’s situation. My comment was in reference to another poster.“If someone confides a personal hardship and comes to you for advice that is inconsequential to your family or marriage, and you share it, it is gossip. Isn’t gossiping a sin no matter who you do it with?”
But that’s not the situation, is it? It’s the OP’s husband’s brother, so it is one of his closest blood relatives. Furthermore, there’s also the depressive nephew, who is also a blood relative to the husband, but to a lesser degree than a brother.
J
Jozefo
Guest
I’m under no obligations to anyone but my wife, regarding personal confidences, unless they ask me up front. Then I say something if I have the opportunity. But if they just start talking, I’m not responsible for what they divulge. I’m no one’s confessor. If they want to tell someone with absolute confidence, I’m not the one. See my disclaimer? I’m very up front about interacting with me.As long as you let people know upfront that you tell your wife everything, then it is OK. However, since not everyone sees things to way you do, I think it is not very nice to listen without telling the other person your wife will find out
E
EasterJoy
Guest
If they say, “Can I talk to you in confidence?” and you say “yes”, rather than “well, yes, except there is essentially nothing I never tell Sally, but she’ll never tell” and then you go off and tell your wife the things that you said you wouldn’t tell anyone, you have lied to the friend who asked for confidentiality. Maybe nobody ever knows that you lied, but you did.How would anyone know if I told my wife something I should t have? If they’d ask me, I’d simply say, “No.”
If, however, “except that there is essentially nothing I never tell Sally” is a universal expectation that is well-known, then “confidential” allows you to tell your wife unless it is particularly established that even she may not be told.
Incidentally, I have experience with just such a confidence being violated. One in-law talked to a family member with the assurance of confidentiality, that family member told his sibling–because how could the 1st in-law mean I wouldn’t tell my brother?–the brother who was told blew a gasket, the in-law who expected confidentiality was mortified and angry, and a lot of people quit speaking to each other for several years. Do they ever confide in each other now? Yeah, right…that’s not going to happen! May as well just send out a group e-mail!
I know another family in which one brother kept some confidential papers for the parents, due to the parents’ incapacitation. He insisted that he could tell no one about these confidential matters. This was all great until his wife accidentally spilled some information that the brother with the confidential knowledge had told her. When the siblings found out that this information was being withheld from them but that their SIL was being let in on it, there was an uproar. How could their parents’ information be* her *business and not theirs?
Asking for in-family confidentiality has its risks, but since the OP asked for permission to tell her husband and it was not given, she would be very wise to keep her mouth shut at least until she has given the in-law who confided in her warning that she was going to let her husband in on the secrets. If the confiding in-law is the last person to find out that her confidence has been breached–and are you really expecting a man to not tell his own brother about information he has on that brother’s wife that his brother does not have?–I expect she will be very upset…and I do mean VERY upset.
OP, you’ve asked for permission and not gotten it. Do not divulge anything to anyone at least until you’ve told the confiding in-law that you’re going to tell your husband. If you tell without giving her a heads-up, you may start a chain reaction that you really do not want to start. Once it is done, you cannot un-do it. All bets are off if someone is in danger, but otherwise, don’t tell.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
“…unless they ask me up front…”…aye, there’s the rub. The OP clearly let her SIL know that she understood this to be something she was not to tell *even her husband *without permission.I’m under no obligations to anyone but my wife, regarding personal confidences, unless they ask me up front. Then I say something if I have the opportunity. But if they just start talking, I’m not responsible for what they divulge. I’m no one’s confessor. If they want to tell someone with absolute confidence, I’m not the one. See my disclaimer? I’m very up front about interacting with me.
In my experience, BTW, family members are very bad people for keeping family secrets, until proven otherwise. Some of the most discrete people I have ever known have totally spilled the beans “in house” when it came to some family issue. Generally speaking, if you tell one family member, most of the rest of the family will find out–because how can anyone expect that I not tell my spouse/sibling, whom I have *always *told everything?–and the last one to be told will get their feelings all hurt that they weren’t told by the person with the secret and that the in-laws all knew before they did. Not always, but often enough to make me think that the seal of confession under pains of excommunication was one of the greatest inventions in all of human history.
I don’t even like to think what’s going to happen if the depressed nephew finds out that “the whole family” knows about his situation.
J
Jozefo
Guest
If someone asks me not to tell my wife, I refuse, and say I’m telling her anyway. If they don’t like it, tough. The best solution is for people not to tell me anything.“…unless they ask me up front…”…aye, there’s the rub. The OP clearly let her SIL know that she understood this to be something she was not to tell *even her husband *without permission.
In my experience, BTW, family members are very bad people for keeping family secrets, until proven otherwise. Some of the most discrete people I have ever known have totally spilled the beans “in house” when it came to some family issue. Generally speaking, if you tell one family member, most of the rest of the family will find out–because how can anyone expect that I not tell my spouse/sibling, whom I have *always *told everything?–and the last one to be told will get their feelings all hurt that they weren’t told by the person with the secret and that the in-laws all knew before they did. Not always, but often enough to make me think that the seal of confession under pains of excommunication was one of the greatest inventions in all of human history.
I don’t even like to think what’s going to happen if the depressed nephew finds out that “the whole family” knows about his situation.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
I find that totally fair. If someone gives you sensitive information without any assurance from you that you will keep their secret, you are not bound to keep it a secret from anyone. If they ask for such assurance and you tell them that there is nothing you keep from your wife and they don’t like that, then you are right: that’s just too bad for them.If someone asks me not to tell my wife, I refuse, and say I’m telling her anyway. If they don’t like it, tough. The best solution is for people not to tell me anything.
A priest may not divulge what is told to him in confession and a doctor or attorney may not divulge what they learn in the context of their duties. All of society gives them the duty to keep those secrets, though, because of a greater good. They don’t violate a trust by keeping those secrets, even if they don’t tell their wives. Anyone married to a priest, an attorney, or a doctor knows this.
If we promise in advance of hearing a secret that we won’t tell anyone, that presumes that the person is not going to give us information that would be unethical for us to hide. If they do that, then that is too bad–they ought to know they can’t “trap” someone into unethically hiding what they ought not hide. So if the OP knows something she has a duty to disclose, then she must disclose it, even if she learned it in a confidential setting. This covers the situation where the person told the secret is subpoenaed by a court. The person who divulged the secret ought to have known that the vast majority of us are limited by the demands of ethics in our ability to keep a secret.
And yes, if a couple insists that their mutual trust requires them to keep nothing purposefully secret from each other, then provided that neither has been given a sacred trust to keep secrets, then that is their prerogative, and let the secret-spillers beware of it. I have no problem with that. I only have a problem with not disclosing that when someone asks if they can share some confidential information, that’s all, because that is not a universal expectation that all married couples have.
H
Happy2bcatholic
Guest
Thank you all for your very thoughtful and thorough responses! I did ask her twice and the last time I said, “Usually my hubby and I share everything but I know this might be sensitive info. Would it be ok for me to inform my hubby? Thanks”
I got no response. The depressed teenager is SIL’s and my husband’s brother is his step-father. When she told me this she was crying. She said that she overeats because she is so sad about the situation. Her 3 yr old (hers and my husband’s brothers) had gone up to her over the phone and asked her (audibly) 'Are you sad Mommy?".
I prayed the Rosary for her and told her so and put her on my prayer list and started a novena for her. I don’t know how depressed her teenage son is. I know he wishes for more friends but will not take steps (like asking them to come over or go out to the movies) She will offer to provide transportation for these but he refuses. I don’t know the extent of his depression. She used the word depression.
It was a burden to hold this and I did feel very weird not sharing with my husband. I am past that ‘stage’ now because of all of your advice. But every time I do look at my husband I wonder - should I tell him. If they get divorced (this is a 2nd marriage for both of them without annulment unfortunately) and I said nothing to my husband - hmmmm… He knows that they have had some marital problems but not to the extent of her crying over the phone, her son being depressed, her binge eating. We saw her together just the other day - she has gained sooo much weight. She has her foot wrapped up and I thought - oh my I hope it is not diabetes. And so that is what prompted me to call her to see if she is ok and then she divulged to me. The table was already set for me to call her because we were both trying to lose weight and she had contacted me (beginning of August) for weight control support - to talk and give each other eating tips and what not. We are not close because we both live very busy lives and she lives in a very metropolitan area (at least 2 hours away) I will never drive there my husband has too - its way way too scary for me, even my husband at times and he is a very very experienced driver.
I can ask her again if I can do anything but of course it would just prayers and penances. I cannot physically go there because of the driving thing and all. Besides they are at work most of the day, etc. etc. We see them once a month anyway to visit my husband’s mother who lives like 1 block away.
I could ask her how depressed her son is but then I am not a qualified professional and I don’t want to pry either. I hope to God that he is not suicidal. He certainly didn’t seem that way when we saw him a few days ago but I know looks can be deceiving.
I can suggest retrovaille and Popchak’s book For Better Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage
I know nothing about teens and depression. I don’t know the 1st thing really. Thank you!
I got no response. The depressed teenager is SIL’s and my husband’s brother is his step-father. When she told me this she was crying. She said that she overeats because she is so sad about the situation. Her 3 yr old (hers and my husband’s brothers) had gone up to her over the phone and asked her (audibly) 'Are you sad Mommy?".
I prayed the Rosary for her and told her so and put her on my prayer list and started a novena for her. I don’t know how depressed her teenage son is. I know he wishes for more friends but will not take steps (like asking them to come over or go out to the movies) She will offer to provide transportation for these but he refuses. I don’t know the extent of his depression. She used the word depression.
It was a burden to hold this and I did feel very weird not sharing with my husband. I am past that ‘stage’ now because of all of your advice. But every time I do look at my husband I wonder - should I tell him. If they get divorced (this is a 2nd marriage for both of them without annulment unfortunately) and I said nothing to my husband - hmmmm… He knows that they have had some marital problems but not to the extent of her crying over the phone, her son being depressed, her binge eating. We saw her together just the other day - she has gained sooo much weight. She has her foot wrapped up and I thought - oh my I hope it is not diabetes. And so that is what prompted me to call her to see if she is ok and then she divulged to me. The table was already set for me to call her because we were both trying to lose weight and she had contacted me (beginning of August) for weight control support - to talk and give each other eating tips and what not. We are not close because we both live very busy lives and she lives in a very metropolitan area (at least 2 hours away) I will never drive there my husband has too - its way way too scary for me, even my husband at times and he is a very very experienced driver.
I can ask her again if I can do anything but of course it would just prayers and penances. I cannot physically go there because of the driving thing and all. Besides they are at work most of the day, etc. etc. We see them once a month anyway to visit my husband’s mother who lives like 1 block away.
I could ask her how depressed her son is but then I am not a qualified professional and I don’t want to pry either. I hope to God that he is not suicidal. He certainly didn’t seem that way when we saw him a few days ago but I know looks can be deceiving.
I can suggest retrovaille and Popchak’s book For Better Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage
I know nothing about teens and depression. I don’t know the 1st thing really. Thank you!
M
MarkInOregon
Guest
While it appears I will be in the minority - I agree with this poster. She was silent when you asked if you could share. If down the road your sister-in-law and your husbands brother get divorced–and your husband finds out you kept this secret regarding his brother–what might that do to your marriage? I personally would not ask a friend to keep a secret from their spouse (surprise parties excepted).I would absolutely tell your husband. You two are one flesh. You can tell him in confidence, but do not keep secrets. It should be assumed that sharing something with someone who is married is sharing it with the couple.
I once read that if you ever question whether or not you should share with your spouse, that it is a clear indication that you should.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
X
Xantippe
Guest
“If down the road your sister-in-law and your husbands brother get divorced–and your husband finds out you kept this secret regarding his brother–what might that do to your marriage?”
Or down the road, the depressed nephew commits suicide–what might that do to your marriage?
It sounds like the SIL, the brother, and the nephew have reached the point where their family unit is not capable of dealing with their problems. They are obviously overwhelmed by various issues. At this point, it is time for outside help. Keeping quiet at this point could mean years of guilt or marriage problems if something unfortunate happened.
Or down the road, the depressed nephew commits suicide–what might that do to your marriage?
It sounds like the SIL, the brother, and the nephew have reached the point where their family unit is not capable of dealing with their problems. They are obviously overwhelmed by various issues. At this point, it is time for outside help. Keeping quiet at this point could mean years of guilt or marriage problems if something unfortunate happened.
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
I agree. I respect my marriage and those of my friends and relatives. The idea of expecting one of them to keep anything from their spouse is absurd to me.While it appears I will be in the minority - I agree with this poster. She was silent when you asked if you could share. If down the road your sister-in-law and your husbands brother get divorced–and your husband finds out you kept this secret regarding his brother–what might that do to your marriage? I personally would not ask a friend to keep a secret from their spouse (surprise parties excepted).
The peace of Christ,
Mark
X
Xantippe
Guest
“The idea of expecting one of them to keep anything from their spouse is absurd to me.”
If it’s something serious and involving the family (your brother has a drug habit, your mom has cancer, his sister just borrowed $100 bucks from you, his dad made a pass at you, etc). If it’s something extraneous to the family, or a funny/embarrassing story, I think it’s not that necessary to share. This is a serious family situation, so I don’t think silence is even ethical. (Even professions with confidentiality rules usually have a number of exceptions.)
If it’s something serious and involving the family (your brother has a drug habit, your mom has cancer, his sister just borrowed $100 bucks from you, his dad made a pass at you, etc). If it’s something extraneous to the family, or a funny/embarrassing story, I think it’s not that necessary to share. This is a serious family situation, so I don’t think silence is even ethical. (Even professions with confidentiality rules usually have a number of exceptions.)
K
Kelfa28
Guest
I agree to an extent.I agree. I respect my marriage and those of my friends and relatives. The idea of expecting one of them to keep anything from their spouse is absurd to me.
I used to work in the medical field and that was pretty much the only line I drew when it came to opening up to my husband.
My husband works in the intelligence field and I know there are plenty of things about work he cannot tell me at all. When I ask him how work was he jokes “I’ll let you know in 20 years!” (when most top secret material is declassified).
We would tell each other our days were busy and maybe talk about our coworkers…but details about patients and missions are off the table.
Otherwise…I absolutely agree that one shouldn’t expect someone else to keep a secret from their spouse…especially if said spouse asks about it.
This is a kind of situation I’d feel uncomfortable about keeping a secret from my spouse. It’s his family they are talking about.
- Status
- Not open for further replies.