Should I share this with my husband or not?

[EasterJoy]

“If down the road your sister-in-law and your husbands brother get divorced–and your husband finds out you kept this secret regarding his brother–what might that do to your marriage?”

Or down the road, the depressed nephew commits suicide–what might that do to your marriage?

It sounds like the SIL, the brother, and the nephew have reached the point where their family unit is not capable of dealing with their problems. They are obviously overwhelmed by various issues. At this point, it is time for outside help. Keeping quiet at this point could mean years of guilt or marriage problems if something unfortunate happened.

It depends on what understanding you have with your spouse. In our family, my spouse and I would realize that if someone asks you for complete confidentiality, and you say yes, they mean it. Of course, we’re in a HIPPA sort of situation, so this kind of question has come up. If the understanding is like some who have posted, then you are kind of stuck telling the SIL that you have no choice but to tell your spouse, unless of course the SIL wants to do it herself, instead, because she did not extract a promise to tell no one before divulging her story. (A promise that of course those who tell their spouses everything would not have given!) Still, if my sister or brother made secrecy from me a condition of using my husband as a confidant, of course I would be OK with that. What is the alternative–to leave them with no one they feel comfortable talking to? It’s my sibling who would have made the condition; I wouldn’t blame that on my husband. There are many times when he can offer my family help that I can’t offer, and this would just be one of those times. I can cope with that.

If the depressed nephew commits suicide, it is not something to blame on any of the living, certainly not someone who merely knew he was depressed via a second-hand account. To have guilt over that would be indulging in the pretension that one has a lot more control over the world than one has. Still, the OP would be wise to ask the SIL about that issue, and to look for ways within the scope of her influence to help him get whatever help is available. (I’m assuming you mean something similar, and only say this to clarify where one does and doesn’t have a duty and therefore what one would and would not feel guilt about.)

I would also not conclude that someone was “not capable of dealing with their problems” because they chose to confide in family members about how hard things were. That is what family is for, that is what friends are for–to be there as someone you can trust to be discrete, understanding, compassionate, and respectful of your ownership of your own issues, so that you have someone as a sounding board and wise counsel. The last person I want to confide in is the person who believes that telling them my problems constitutes an invitation to my counsel to wade in and fix things for me. So while I would agree that it is a very good idea to ask family members who are confiding in you whether they have gotten professional help and to encourage them to get such help and congratulate them on their wisdom when they make the decision to get professional help, I would clarify that this doesn’t go so far as to make me think that if they don’t get help, it is my fault. People on the outside can be supportive, but the family will make their own decisions, and ought to be allowed to do that. If that is not one’s policy, one will find as life goes on that fewer and fewer people ask one to supply any wisdom when times get tough, alas.

 

[Xantippe]

“I would also not conclude that someone was “not capable of dealing with their problems” because they chose to confide in family members about how hard things were.”

In this particular case, it sounds like things are deteriorating pretty quickly.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m under no obligations to anyone but my wife, regarding personal confidences, unless they ask me up front. Then I say something if I have the opportunity. But if they just start talking, I’m not responsible for what they divulge. I’m no one’s confessor. If they want to tell someone with absolute confidence, I’m not the one. See my disclaimer? I’m very up front about interacting with me.

If you are upfront and tell people you are not the one if they want absolute confidence, I applaud your honesty. But you don’t have a disclaimer because it appears that if they start talking, you don’t interrupt to tell them you will be telling your wife

 

[Anglewannabe]

How would anyone know if I told my wife something I should t have? If they’d ask me, I’d simply say, “No.”

God would know you told and God would know you lied to them and said you never told. IMO what God knows is a bigger concern.

 

[Anglewannabe]

SIL could have confided in 6 billion other people on the planet who didn’t have that familial conflict of interest, but she chose to confide in the OP, which puts the OP in a very uncomfortable position with regard to her husband. .

I agree that SIL did put OP is a sticky, however OP was free to speak up and ask her to quit sharing (politely )

let’s say that I was told in confidence that a near relative of my husband was starting to show signs of dementia or had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don’t think that I could properly hide that information from him–he would have a right and a need to know that, because it’s important for his decision-making process.

Such a blanket statement can not be made. We do NOT know what kind of relationship the OP’s husband has with his brother. If the brother does NOT want OP’s husband to find out and OP tells her husband and it gets back to the brother that SIL told, SIL’s marriage could be in even more trouble