Should I Tell Her Parents??

[Anglewannabe]

Why? Who should she be confiding in? .

The reason I think it is bad for an adult to let a teenager confide in them is as follows. The teenager confides innocent things (like a good night kiss) to an adult. The teenager trusts the adult for 6 months. Then one mistake happens. Not because the teenager is bad but because everyone is human and makes mistakes. Since the teenager totally trusts the adult, she tells the adult. There is NO way the adult can keep this secret. So the adult tells the parents. The teenager is crushed because her confidence has been betrayed and the parents are livid because they now know the adult has known for 6 months and never spoken up. I just think it is a dangerous situation to be in.

As a guy, I’d be lying if I told you my hormones weren’t driving me wild in my teens. I’m sure that is the case for most teenage boys.

I agree and I think teenage girls often do not realize the extent of what teenage boys go through. I think girls should be informed and not tease boys unnecessarily

It’s true that teenage girls should be careful about picking which boys to associate, however, there doesn’t seem to be anything objectionable about this boy. In fact, since he’s staying with the parents in the summer, I think it’s safe to say that they like him. Which is not to say he can do no wrong, but I’m definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt so far based on the story.

I agree there is nothing objectionable about the boy. But if the girl is telling the OP things the parents don’t know, I think that is where the warning bell starts to go off

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m just really sorry to see people have such impressions that all young boys are unable to control their impulses. .

I am not saying all young boys can not control their impulses. But I am saying you never know which ones can and can’t until you get to know them better. And I am not saying that boys are bad. But what I am saying is sometimes the temptation to sin is strong and it is best avoid the temptation.

I am not saying in the OP’s story the situation was inappropriate. I am simply saying that the teenage girl needs to have it explained to her how an innocent situation can sometimes because less innocent and less innocent until it is too late. I think girls should know to not be naive

 

[stlcatholic86]

The reason I think it is bad for an adult to let a teenager confide in them is as follows. The teenager confides innocent things (like a good night kiss) to an adult. The teenager trusts the adult for 6 months. Then one mistake happens. Not because the teenager is bad but because everyone is human and makes mistakes. Since the teenager totally trusts the adult, she tells the adult. There is NO way the adult can keep this secret. So the adult tells the parents. The teenager is crushed because her confidence has been betrayed and the parents are livid because they now know the adult has known for 6 months and never spoken up. I just think it is a dangerous situation to be in.

I agree and I think teenage girls often do not realize the extent of what teenage boys go through. I think girls should be informed and not tease boys unnecessarily

I agree there is nothing objectionable about the boy. But if the girl is telling the OP things the parents don’t know, I think that is where the warning bell starts to go off

I don’t see that even if a “mistake” were to happen that she would be morally obligated to tell the parents.

 

[Bill_Martin]

Confront her parents about what?

Anything she wants

 

[PatriceA]

I agree the OP should not tell the parents about a simple kiss. However, the OP should not lead this girl to believe everything she tells her is confidential. If ever things escalate to the point the OP does need to tell the parents the girl will feel betrayed. The OP needs to be upfront and say not everything will be kept confidential.

Also, I think it is a very dangerous position to be in where a teenage girl confides what happens in her love life to the OP. I think it is good that this girl no longer confides in the OP.

The sad truth is a lot of teenage boys are all about sex. I think it is wise to warn teenage girls to choose very carefully the boys she associates with

Angie

Let me give you a different point of view, from a parent. I have encouraged my daughter to have other adults in her life that I trust, she trusts and can confide in. I do not have a problem with my daughter having someone other than me that she can go to and talk about stuff she may feel a little hesitant coming to me about. I know I will not be the only adult in my daughter’s life that she will talk to, I’m not that naive. So I personally would not have a problem with the OP being that go to adult if Emily was my daughter and my daughter told the OP she kissed a boy.

 

[aspirant]

So I personally would not have a problem with the OP being that go to adult if Emily was my daughter and my daughter told the OP she kissed a boy.

Honestly, I’d be rather grateful that the OP is the sort of adult my child would choose to confide in.

 

[underacloud]

The reason I think it is bad for an adult to let a teenager confide in them is as follows. The teenager confides innocent things (like a good night kiss) to an adult. The teenager trusts the adult for 6 months. Then one mistake happens. Not because the teenager is bad but because everyone is human and makes mistakes. Since the teenager totally trusts the adult, she tells the adult. There is NO way the adult can keep this secret. So the adult tells the parents. The teenager is crushed because her confidence has been betrayed and the parents are livid because they now know the adult has known for 6 months and never spoken up. I just think it is a dangerous situation to be in.

The OP is in a position now to positively influence the girl so that the one big mistake is less likely. She can guide this young girl in a way that she wont be able to if she either breaks this confidence now or tells the girl that she can’t confide such things in her.

The OP could consider a discrete conversation with the parents, telling them that this girl is starting to discuss certain things with her (keeping details vague and avoiding giving away anything) and that she feels in a difficult position, and to work out with the parents an appropriate way to approach this, without breaking confidences or spying. Most parents I am sure would welcome the benefit of an older friend who can provide a very positive influence on their child during such a difficult phase of life. Children have a need to discuss this sort of thing with people other than their parents.

 

[Kamaduck]

The reason I think it is bad for an adult to let a teenager confide in them is as follows. The teenager confides innocent things (like a good night kiss) to an adult. The teenager trusts the adult for 6 months. Then one mistake happens. Not because the teenager is bad but because everyone is human and makes mistakes. Since the teenager totally trusts the adult, she tells the adult. There is NO way the adult can keep this secret. So the adult tells the parents. The teenager is crushed because her confidence has been betrayed and the parents are livid because they now know the adult has known for 6 months and never spoken up. I just think it is a dangerous situation to be in.

The alternative is handling a mistake all on her own, without confiding in anyone. Confiding in a trusted adult, even if you can’t confide in your parents, is definately preferable to handling everything alone. I hope we don’t encourage teenagers NOT to tell those trusted adults when they mess up- that’s not good for anybody, least of all the teenager.

In this instance, I think the OP should discuss her concerns with the teenager. The teenager should be allowed to confront her parents, if necessary, on her own terms.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Let me give you a different point of view, from a parent. I have encouraged my daughter to have other adults in her life that I trust, she trusts and can confide in. I do not have a problem with my daughter having someone other than me that she can go to and talk about stuff she may feel a little hesitant coming to me about. I know I will not be the only adult in my daughter’s life that she will talk to, I’m not that naive. So I personally would not have a problem with the OP being that go to adult if Emily was my daughter and my daughter told the OP she kissed a boy.

I totally see your point of view. However as Underacloud said, a discrete conversation with the parents allows the parents to know the teenager has a confidante. The way the OP was worded, it appears the parents are NOT aware Emily confides in her

It also appears that the OP has good reason to think the parents would NOT want their daughter kissing this boy which makes it more tricky. If the OP said she was sure the parents wouldn’t mind but Emily is too shy to tell them, it would have been a whole different ball of wax.

I am not going to get into a debate about what age it is appropriate to start kissing. But I do firmly believe parents have the final say on how their child is being raised. By the sounds of it, these are good parents so there is no need to confide in an adult in order for Emily to seek help. But if the OP is letting Emily confide things the OP knows the parents would not be OK with, I think it could get tricky since Emily is barely 16

 

[Anglewannabe]

The alternative is handling a mistake all on her own, without confiding in anyone. Confiding in a trusted adult, even if you can’t confide in your parents, is definately preferable to handling everything alone. .

I agree it is good for kids to confide in a trusted adult. However, I have had a lot of involvement with neighbors kids taking them places. I have had the sad experience of getting involved in tricky situations involving kids. So I would strongly recommend the OP protect herself. If the OP has good reason to believe the parents will not mind Emily telling her how she did things behind her parents back, I see no problem. But I don’t think that is the case

Angie

 

[Kamaduck]

I agree it is good for kids to confide in a trusted adult. However, I have had a lot of involvement with neighbors kids taking them places. I have had the sad experience of getting involved in tricky situations involving kids. So I would strongly recommend the OP protect herself. If the OP has good reason to believe the parents will not mind Emily telling her how she did things behind her parents back, I see no problem. But I don’t think that is the case

I don’t think it’s right for an adult to say “Sorry, I can’t help you. It might turn into a tricky situation for me.” Not without discussing her concerns with the teenager beforehand, and especially not if the adult is someone close- a “big sister” figure, in this case. I would hope the adult would encourage the teen to be open with her parents, but I certainly wouldn’t expect her to push the teenager away.

Then again, I’m a teenager, and I’d like to be able to ask adults for help when I need it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t think it’s right for an adult to say** “Sorry, I can’t help you. It might turn into a tricky situation for me.”** Not without discussing her concerns with the teenager beforehand, and especially not if the adult is someone close- a “big sister” figure, in this case. I would hope the adult would encourage the teen to be open with her parents, but I certainly wouldn’t expect her to push the teenager away.

Then again, I’m a teenager, and I’d like to be able to ask adults for help when I need it.

Yes that would be blunt but I still think it is the right thing for an adult to do, just word it in a softer way. If a teen really needs an adult, there are school councellors and other resources

 

[stlcatholic86]

Yes that would be blunt but I still think it is the right thing for an adult to do, just word it in a softer way. If a teen really needs an adult, there are school councellors and other resources

I understand you have had bad experiences in the area, but I think the overwhelming consensus is that the OP should remain a confidant of this girl. I mean clearly she has this girls best interests at heart and can only be a positive influence. I know that if I were a parent I would want someone that has a positive influence on my child in their life to guide them rather than no one. I think it would be highly naive of any parent to think their child would discuss everything with them that’s why it’s important we trust many people in our community to have the best interests of them at heart when advising them.

 

[Kamaduck]

Yes that would be blunt but I still think it is the right thing for an adult to do, just word it in a softer way. If a teen really needs an adult, there are school councellors and other resources

This is just me, but I wouldn’t talk to a school counselor about kissing a boy I liked. It’s not a real problem yet, so I wouldn’t want to take up their time. Plus, realistically, I would not want to confide in someone I did not know. I would not trust them or their judgement.

 

[SamH]

For the past seven years, I have been babysitting for three children. During this time, I have become extremely close to the family. The kids consider me to be a “big sister” and their parents have even referred to me as their “adopted daughter.”

The oldest (who I will refer to as Emily) does not need to be babysat anymore, as she is 15 going on 16. However, I feel as if I still have a certain amount of responsibility for her, and I know her parents still believe that I have authority over her when we go out.

Emily is friends with several guys who live out of town. And over the past several years during their friendship, she has developed some habits I know her parents would not like. She uses vulgarities (not continually, but enough), and has a knoweldge of sexual activity far beyond what her parents would like her to know. She comes from a lovely, devout Catholic family, and I know they would be livid if they found out. Emily is a good girl, do not get me wrong. She is responsible in many ways and I love her to death, but I feel like things are escalating.

She and her family are currently out of town on a trip, where they met up with this particular family of guys. Well, Emily sent me a text last night saying that one of the guys kissed her on the lips…numerous times. She said she “kinda liked it,” and “kinda likes him.”

A 16 year old that knows about sex? I would be much more concerned about a 16 year old that doesn’t know about sex. A 16 year old that likes a guy and kind of likes to kiss? Would you rather she was kissing girls and “kinda liked it”? I think you should realize that this is normal and you are not in posession of some deep dark secret. Get on with your life and quit digging into hers and her family’s.

If the out of town guys were being kept a secret from her parents then you might have an issue.

 

[Chantal25]

I wouldn’t tell her parent just yet but will definitely try to guide her and pray for her FIRST.

What she does i her parent back, she will do it also in yours if she feels you cannot be trusted.

Maybe, consult with a priest.

Blessings!

 

[SamH]

I do not know what to do. Her parents have said that that there is to be no dating until the age 18. Is it my place to step in and tell them what is going on? Kissing is one thing, but I am concerned that it could turn into more. The real kicker is that the guy who kissed her is coming to stay with Emily and her family this summer. Her parents have NO idea that anything of the sort is going on.

If the parents are taking an 18 year old man in to live with their 16 year old daughter they might have a clue as to the situation they are inviting. If not, I doubt telling them will enlighten them in any manner.

No dating until 18? That’s inviting a disaster.

 

[maryjk]

This is just me, but I wouldn’t talk to a school counselor about kissing a boy I liked. It’s not a real problem yet, so I wouldn’t want to take up their time. Plus, realistically, I would not want to confide in someone I did not know. I would not trust them or their judgement.

I am the “trusted adult” in many teens lives. I didn’t plan it. The parents didn’t ask me to be, it has just happened.

Most of the teens are Catholic, but not all. And not one would be comfortable talking to the school counselor. Nor would I want any of them to do so.

A trusted adult is someone that the teen trusts, not someone hired by the school district.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think it’s right for an adult to say “Sorry, I can’t help you. It might turn into a tricky situation for me.” Not without discussing her concerns with the teenager beforehand, and especially not if the adult is someone close- a “big sister” figure, in this case. I would hope the adult would encourage the teen to be open with her parents, but I certainly wouldn’t expect her to push the teenager away.

Then again, I’m a teenager, and I’d like to be able to ask adults for help when I need it.

Trusted adults do not enjoy the protection of the seal of confession–well, unless of course they actually are confessors–and it isn’t out of place for them to say so as soon as it becomes clear that they’re going to be used as a confidante. It is also not out of place for a sitter to ask the parents, in a theoretical way, what they expect of someone who is in their employment and placed in authority over a teen. Do the parents expect that the adult will pass on information or do the parents expect that their child need adults to talk to, and that the seriousness of things they come to be aware of has to be fairly high before the parents are told? Is the teen even under the authority of the adult, or is the sitter simply making sure that the house is not used by the teen for inappropriate entertaining? Or? This is also the time for the sitter to draw her own boundaries and say what she will and won’t do for the daughter or for the parents, whether she’s paid or not, because her own integrity and her own boundaries have to come first.

It is OK for the OP to tell the teen, “Listen, I’m not just any friend of the family. Your parents pay me to keep an eye on you. I need to talk to them about what they expect of me, and then I can let you know what secrets I can and cannot keep, both for your parents’ sake and because of my own sense of what my duties towards you are.” That is the only situation that is fair to everyone involved, including the one caught in the middle. It could be, however, that the parents will want this person to simply listen and reply to their daughter’s confidences directly to the daughter, and not to be their investigator. Still, just by virtue of the daughter’s age, it is time for everyone to be on the same page, to lay the principles down.

 

[lovedance4ever]

A 16 year old that knows about sex? I would be much more concerned about a 16 year old that doesn’t know about sex. A 16 year old that likes a guy and kind of likes to kiss? Would you rather she was kissing girls and “kinda liked it”? I think you should realize that this is normal and you are not in posession of some deep dark secret. Get on with your life and quit digging into hers and her family’s.

If the out of town guys were being kept a secret from her parents then you might have an issue.

Her parents have asked me to keep an eye on her, and to report back to them if anything against their rules happens. I am not going by my own personal views; if I was, I would not be asking this question, because I personally see nothing wrong with a 16 year old knowing about sex. Her parents have never explained it to her, nor did they intend to do so. Emily learned about sex through her discussions with her out of town guy friends…not an ideal way to learn about the “facts of life,” IMO.

I assure you I am not “digging” and prying into other people’s business. The pressure they put me under sometimes is draining, and I walk a fine line. I am just very concerned and trying to figure out if this is something that they would want to know.