Should I tell her parents?

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SerraSemper said:
You need to figure out what the laws are in your area so as to not be the adult cooperator of criminal sexual abuse of minors. Sexting, solicitation, and other such activities are illegal and immoral and as an adult you have the responsibility of ensuring the welfare of any minors in your care. Had a priest been in your shoes, I would guess (but I am not a civil lawyer) that he would have been jailed for allowing this.
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A 20 year-old witnessing the shenanigans of two 17 year-olds is in a quite different legal situation than a mandatory reporter like a priest would be.

Still, the more I look at what the OP has witnessed, the more I think she ought to go to the girl’s parents and report everything she knows. That is one vulnerable girl, and she has started to act out in ways that could get her raped, into drugs, and who knows what. She needs an intervention ASAP, and if she won’t talk to the OP because of it, so be it.* It is better than finding out on Sunday that she was gang-raped on Saturday night and that is easily where this could go.* There is no way she should be spending New Year’s Eve with anyone except her parents!

OP, if the parents poo-poo you, do not back down. If it is necessary, repeat what you have heard verbatim. Make it very clear that their daughter is in extreme danger of a date rape, and based on the kind of talk she is welcoming from young men with bad intentions, it probably won’t be long. It also might not be just one guy. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up to think about it. A talk with local authorities who fight sex trafficking of young women is not out of the question, either.
 
EasterJoy said:
A 20 year-old witnessing the shenanigans of two 17 year-olds is in a quite different legal situation than a mandatory reporter like a priest would be.

Still, the more I look at what the OP has witnessed, the more I think she ought to go to the girl’s parents and report everything she knows. That is one vulnerable girl, and she has started to act out in ways that could get her raped, into drugs, and who knows what. She needs an intervention ASAP, and if she won’t talk to the OP because of it, so be it.* It is better than finding out on Sunday that she was gang-raped on Saturday night and that is easily where this could go.* There is no way she should be spending New Year’s Eve with anyone except her parents!

OP, if the parents poo-poo you, do not back down. If it is necessary, repeat what you have heard verbatim. Make it very clear that their daughter is in extreme danger of a date rape, and based on the kind of talk she is welcoming from young men with bad intentions, it probably won’t be long. It also might not be just one guy. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up to think about it. A talk with local authorities who fight sex trafficking of young women is not out of the question, either.
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I was actually thinking more of the fact that the OP permitted an explicit conversation to continue after being lewdly addressed by the youth without immediately cutting it off so as not to endanger her young guest’s morals. To my knowledge, explicitly sexual conversations with minors in most states are illegal and here is an adult facilitating it. This minor and her parents should be informed of the laws against sexting which is the next logical step for people who are so brazen before strangers.
 
SerraSemper said:
I was actually thinking more of the fact that the OP permitted an explicit conversation to continue after being lewdly addressed by the youth without immediately cutting it off so as not to endanger her young guest’s morals. To my knowledge, explicitly sexual conversations with minors in most states are illegal and here is an adult facilitating it. This minor and her parents should be informed of the laws against sexting which is the next logical step for people who are so brazen before strangers.
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Sexting laws refer to sending sexual images and solicitation of illegal acts. The adult present was doing neither and it appears that the teens weren’t, either. There are no laws on the books that make an adult culpable for it when two 17 year-olds talk dirty in her presence, no matter how disgusting the conversation gets. It is certainly no crime to sit still while someone else insults you, and that is all the OP did. She did not say a word to encourage any wrongdoing whatsoever.
 
EasterJoy said:
Sexting laws refer to sending sexual images and solicitation of illegal acts. The adult present was doing neither and it appears that the teens weren’t, either. There are no laws on the books that make an adult culpable for it when two 17 year-olds talk dirty in her presence, no matter how disgusting the conversation gets. It is certainly no crime to sit still while someone else insults you, and that is all the OP did. She did not say a word to encourage any wrongdoing whatsoever.
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I never said they were sexting, I said that is the next logical step for someone to take with the minor child who is willing to express his wish that the OP take off her clothes. Also, this is not a matter of them simply talking in her presence, but of her participating in a skype conversation with the minors.
 
SerraSemper said:
I never said they were sexting, I said that is the next logical step for someone to take with the minor child who is willing to express his wish that the OP take off her clothes. Also, this is not a matter of them simply talking in her presence, but of her participating in a skype conversation with the minors.
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She herself used no sexually explicit language, but was being subjecting to sexually explicit language coming from the minor, which she in no way encouraged. If he had been in on a sting operation, she’d still be as clean as a whistle. She should, however, have felt entirely free to express outrage that he’d talk to her or anyone else in her presence in such a manner. She would have been within her rights to cut off the computer link the second he started talking in such a disgusting way, just as she would have been in her rights to slam the phone down if he’d talked to her like that on a phone.

It was her little friend who violated the boundaries of friendship, not the OP. The OP could have done more to stop the bad behavior, but since she had been given no authority to correct the teen by the teen’s parents (as she would have if this had happened when she was a sitter), she did nothing wrong.
 
lovedance4ever said:
When I was twelve, I began babysitting for three children: two girls and one boy. They are being raised in a lovely, traditional Catholic family, and it was not long before we grew extremely close.

Here I am eight years later. I am twenty, and their oldest daughter is sixteen. We are very, very close…like sisters. Her parents have trusted me enough to become very close with their children, and for that I feel honored. And that is where the problem comes in.

She has been exhibiting disturbing behavior, in my opinion. She’s begun to swear…not to say that I do not slip up sometimes…but I know that she is getting this from her friends and her parents would flip if they found out. She listens to inappropriate music. And she has been flirting with and saying some extremely suggestive things to guys…strangers even. We will go out in public - let’s say to the mall - and she will start trying to attract attention, because she is desperate for a boyfriend. I tell her that she will only get the wrong kind of attention if she continues to carry on like that, but she does not listen.

She’s had guy friends who fantasize about raping women, and they’ve told her about it, scaring her about sex. It’s terrible. If I could shake some sense and put the fear into these fellows, I would. During the time she was friends with them, they managed to educate her on sexual acts…and all sorts of things. I have not really inquired into what she knows, but she has claimed to “know everything.”

The last straw was this past Friday, when she spent the night at my home. She asked if we could Skype with her one guy friend (who has nothing to do with the guys who I mentioned above). I had never met him before, and he was supposed to be “awesome” so I thought I’d give it a go.

He started out by saying to ME, “I want to take your clothes off.” Then he made a disgusting remark about performing oral sex on me. And finally, he asked my friend if he could use a pick up line on her…she said yes…and he said that if she were a door, he’d “slam her.” I was absolutely appalled. He’s only seventeen and saying such disgusting things. I reprimanded him, but other than that, there was nothing else I felt I could do.

Now I am at a loss. Do I tell her parents? She considers me to be one of her best friends, and with that, comes the fact that I am her confidant. But at the same time, her parents have entrusted me with their precious daughter, and I do not want to keep them in the dark if things are only going to get worse.

What would you do? Is it not my place to say anything? Or should I do something about this?
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There really is only one correct answer and you know what it is.
Her parents have trusted me enough to become very close with their children, and for that I feel honored
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That sentence right there tells you the right thing. And it may not be easy and you may risk having her as a “friend” for a while. BUt you will not only be protecting her you will be mentoring doing the right thing even when it is hard if it is in the best interest for someone.

Lets just step back and look at some things.

You used to babysit this girl and she looks up to you.
Her parents trust you to be close with the girl.
She has had boys tell her they want to rape a girl.
She talked with a boy who without knowing you from Adam hit on you in a vulgar way.
You have mentioned things to her already.

YES TELL THE PARENTS!

As a parent if my daughter was in danger or struggling with growing up and someone who knew this information did not tell me I would be furious. Her parents trusted you. They are the ones responsible for her, not you. They are the ones who need the information so they can be allowed to have the opportunity to help their daughter.

Not only that but you should tell the boys parents who talked to you that way. Chances are they won’t care but I certainly would if my boy did that! All of these kids are trying to figure stuff out and you need to get the daughter help before someone gets hurt. Not only her but a potential child.

I would wonder how culpable you would be if something happened?

Hopefully you are asking this question not because you don’t know the right thing to do but because you are hoping it was not going to be the hard thing to do. Well, I am sorry, it is the hard thing.🤷
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
There really is only one correct answer and you know what it is.

That sentence right there tells you the right thing. And it may not be easy and you may risk having her as a “friend” for a while. BUt you will not only be protecting her you will be mentoring doing the right thing even when it is hard if it is in the best interest for someone.

Lets just step back and look at some things.

You used to babysit this girl and she looks up to you.
Her parents trust you to be close with the girl.
She has had boys tell her they want to rape a girl.
She talked with a boy who without knowing you from Adam hit on you in a vulgar way.
You have mentioned things to her already.

YES TELL THE PARENTS!

As a parent if my daughter was in danger or struggling with growing up and someone who knew this information did not tell me I would be furious. Her parents trusted you. They are the ones responsible for her, not you. They are the ones who need the information so they can be allowed to have the opportunity to help their daughter.

Not only that but you should tell the boys parents who talked to you that way. Chances are they won’t care but I certainly would if my boy did that! All of these kids are trying to figure stuff out and you need to get the daughter help before someone gets hurt. Not only her but a potential child.

I would wonder how culpable you would be if something happened?

Hopefully you are asking this question not because you don’t know the right thing to do but because you are hoping it was not going to be the hard thing to do. Well, I am sorry, it is the hard thing.🤷
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Agreed. The parents are giving her permission to be with their child under the impression that the OP will be protecting her. She needs to have a frank conversation with both child and parents and set boundaries so she is not enabling bad behaviors.
 
Unfortunately in today’s society this behavior is becoming commonplace among teenagers. So many try to grow up too fast. With today’s technology a young girl or boy can easily be manipulated into changing their entire lives, for the worse, and they might not even realize it is happening. Remind her what a wonderful person she is. Talk to her about fun things y’all did in the past. Tell you are not happy about this new behavior and new friends and that she deserves better. If she wants a boyfriend so bad encourage her to become involved in church activities for young adults to meet more people.

In the meantime if she starts acting like this in the mall simply leave and take her home. If she curses at any time in your presence leave or send her home. If she skypes with such boys turn off your computer and send her home. If she has a problem with this tell her you love her and that you are trying to protect her. If she refuses to change tell the parents.
 
KimberlyCat said:
Unfortunately in today’s society this behavior is becoming commonplace among teenagers. So many try to grow up too fast. With today’s technology a young girl or boy can easily be manipulated into changing their entire lives, for the worse, and they might not even realize it is happening. Remind her what a wonderful person she is. Talk to her about fun things y’all did in the past. Tell you are not happy about this new behavior and new friends and that she deserves better. If she wants a boyfriend so bad encourage her to become involved in church activities for young adults to meet more people.

In the meantime if she starts acting like this in the mall simply leave and take her home. If she curses at any time in your presence leave or send her home. If she skypes with such boys turn off your computer and send her home. If she has a problem with this tell her you love her and that you are trying to protect her. If she refuses to change tell the parents.
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Too common, perhaps, but it is not* normal* for a young woman with a healthy sense of self-esteem to tolerate such treatment, let alone welcome it. She is at serious risk for some very bad decision-making, not to mention at risk of being taken advantage of by people with criminal intentions. She is exactly the type that groups of guys with bad intentions lure to their “parties” for the kind of “fun” that could shatter her whole life.

All that stands between that young man and a record as a sex offender is too much to drink and too much encouragement from too large of a group of the wrong company–company just like him. Put that fellow in a group of like-minded guys and give them too much to drink, and there are few things I’d put beyond them. That is a mob around which no woman ought to feel safe. Young men with bright futures ruin their lives by getting into that kind of situation. They think that “wrong” is just some old people trying to keep them from having fun, and then they wind up ruining some woman’s life and looking at a police record for themselves.
 
Risk Factors Associated With Acquaintance Rape

Understanding the factors that contribute to your problem will help you frame your own local analysis questions, determine good effectiveness measures, recognize key intervention points, and select appropriate responses.

Acquaintance rape is less random and more preventable than stranger rape. A woman’s condition or behavior does not cause rape, but certain factors appear to increase a woman’s vulnerability to it:
•frequently drinking enough to get drunk;
•drinking to the point of being unable to resist forceful sexual advances;
•using drugs and/or drinking (both the victim and the assailant);
•having previously been the victim of sexual assault, before the start of the school year;
•being single;
•engaging in social activities with sexually predatory men;
•being at an isolated site;
•miscommunicating about sex; and
•holding less conservative attitudes about sexual behavior.

From popcenter.org/problems/rape/2
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
There really is only one correct answer and you know what it is.

That sentence right there tells you the right thing. And it may not be easy and you may risk having her as a “friend” for a while. BUt you will not only be protecting her you will be mentoring doing the right thing even when it is hard if it is in the best interest for someone.

Lets just step back and look at some things.

You used to babysit this girl and she looks up to you.
Her parents trust you to be close with the girl.
She has had boys tell her they want to rape a girl.
She talked with a boy who without knowing you from Adam hit on you in a vulgar way.
You have mentioned things to her already.

YES TELL THE PARENTS!

As a parent if my daughter was in danger or struggling with growing up and someone who knew this information did not tell me I would be furious. Her parents trusted you. They are the ones responsible for her, not you. They are the ones who need the information so they can be allowed to have the opportunity to help their daughter.

Not only that but you should tell the boys parents who talked to you that way. Chances are they won’t care but I certainly would if my boy did that! All of these kids are trying to figure stuff out and you need to get the daughter help before someone gets hurt. Not only her but a potential child.

I would wonder how culpable you would be if something happened?

Hopefully you are asking this question not because you don’t know the right thing to do but because you are hoping it was not going to be the hard thing to do. Well, I am sorry, it is the hard thing.🤷
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Great answer! I hope you follow this advice.
 
Yes, tell the parents!

This kind of thing is scarily very common and the young ladies involved often think participating in such antics makes them grown up and they see nothing wrong with it. The parents are most likely clueless. They are, however, the only ones who have the power to put a stop to it. Mainly, by seriously restricting or even removing internet access and keeping their child at home until she can control herself and how her peers behave when she is around.

A lot of parents have a very hard time truly understanding and accepting that their precious child has fallen into bad behavior, especially when it comes to sexuality and sexually explicit talk, text, and other online communication. A lot of kids will have handy dandy excuses such as “It wasn’t me! I let my friend, Susie, use my screen name and it was her!” So, it’s important to hear this kind of thing from a trusted source who has actually witnessed the behavior. No way for the parents to hide their heads in the sand and no way for the kid to blame it on someone else. Best chance for something to actually be done before this teen ends up pregnant, with a disease, a drug addiction, or worse is to have a sit down with them as soon as possible.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
I haven’t read all the responses.

This girl isn’t treating you like a friend at all. The second the foul mouthed, 17 year old, whippersnapper began sexually harassing you, she should have stopped skyping with him.

Yet it seems she thinks it’s cool to allow boys to treat her lustfully and for her to encourage it.

I think you need to tell her parents. She seems like she wants to be cool and popular. She instead is acting very irresponsibly and foolishly.

She could definitely end up in an unsafe scenario.

(I’m old I guess, but I just can’t see how a 17 year old could speak to a young lady the way he did)
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You and EasterJoy seem to be the voices of reason in this thread.

OP, I encourage to focus on Mary Gail 36 and EasterJoy’s responses for guidance.
 
Please tell her parents. This girl obviously does not know or understand the danger she is flirting with, but you do. “Ratting her out” could possibly save this girl’s life.
 
Sharen said:
Please tell her parents. This girl obviously does not know or understand the danger she is flirting with, but you do. “Ratting her out” could possibly save this girl’s life.
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Yes. I originally read this as a teen flirting with being “sexy” and a rebellious “bad” girl, but the more I look at the situation it seems like a girl who is so hungry for male attention that she’s willing to seek it from men who could do her serious harm. This is beyond what an older peer ought to try to handle herself, especially since the teen is not looking up to her for advice but distaining her older friend’s sense of self-respect as “backward”.

That is the really scary part. A teen who starts finding impurity alluring is not unusual. Thinking you can play with fire without getting burned is not unusual. An attitude that says there is no such thing as unwelcome attention from a man, OTOH, even in the face of attention of such a disgusting kind?!? That raises red flags and sets off sirens. That girl is playing hopscotch on an interstate. The question is not if her present course will end badly, but how long it will be before it does.

This is a girl who could also use some serious positive attention from her father. She is far too hungry for male approval.
 
I’ve been following the thread and find myself agreeing with the several previous posters.
 
I am going to go against what most people here think and probably get blasted but here is my 2 cents

Just because a family seems like a good Catholic family on the outside, does not mean they really are. And if this 16 year old girl is acting like the way she is, there is probably some emotional need that is not being met by her parents. I would not tell her parents since there would be only 2 possible outcomes.

1- they do nothing
2- they locked her in her room

Either way, her basic needs will not be met and the behaviour will resurface once she leaves home. Because, if her needs are not being met now, they will not be met by parents who are mad at what they find out. And 16 is too old to suggest family therapy so that the parents can learn how to provide for her.

I would set clear boundaries with this 16 year old (because as others have said, she is not your friend if she does this to you). And I would go so far as to tell her that if she continues this behaviour in front of you, then you will tell her parents (not that I think her parents would help her but at least you will have shown her this behaviour has consequences).

I would try to be a positive influence but lecturing a 16 year old doesn’t work. Trying to turn her life around by yourself is next to impossible. I would keep my morals and if need be quit spending time with her. This would not make her go down the straight and narrow but at least you will know you set a good example

Angie
 
Tell her parents. You are only 20 yourself, and may not truly be in a position to fully see the entire scope of the problem. For example, what jumped out at me is that you seem to accept that the “boys” are also around the same age as the young girl. You referenced the internet/Skype contact with a “seventeen year old.” I would bet a dollar to a doughnut that these internet characters are much older – that they are, in fact, adult sexual predators. Her parents need to know and need to know quickly.
 
I hope you have already told them. If not please do it this week. Telling will not fix things right away, but it will mean that you are not alone in dealing with this. I would also end the overnight visits so that she can’t use you as an excuse to be out all night.
 
I would tell her parents, but when you discuss this with her parents also discuss a way for them to find out about her behavior without the girl realizing that you were the informant. Her parents need to know about this now. If something were to happen to her and you hadn’t told her parents about the warning signs you would feel horrible. Don’t put yourself in that position. Chances are her parents don’t really know who all she is spending time with or if they do, they don’t really know the people as well as they think. Teenagers can hide all kinds of things from parents.

Her parents need to know, but you and her parents need a good plan. You are in a position to remain a close confidant and a good “informant” of sorts. (I mean this is the best possible way). You care about her, her parents care about her, and you all may be able to work as a team to keep her on the right path. If she finds out you are the informant, then not only will she stop talking to you, but she will probably rebel more and really make sure her parents know nothing about it. This is a tricky situation, but one that you and her parents should work together on.
 
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