Should I Tell Her?

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AdriannaJean

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Ok, so about 2 months ago I broke up with this guy, we’ll call him Bob. Bob was controlling and border-lining on emotionally abusive (wouldn’t let me wear makeup or have “girls night in”, guilt trips etc.). Bob and I have a mutual friend named Dan.

Dan told me that Bob is now “playing” (I really dislike that word, but will use it anyways) around 5 or 6 girls and sleeping with some of them (:eek:). As it turns out, one of these girls is a girl I used to work with. They haven’t slept together (thank God). This girl is the picture of innocence. She’s wholesome, Christian and incredibly kind but also horribly naive.

Should I tell her what I know about the other girls? Should I tell her what happened during my relationship with Bob? I feel like if I don’t then I’m partially responsible for whatever hurt Bob causes her.

But on the other hand, Bob didn’t want Dan to tell me this. If I tell this girl, she will likely tell Bob who will know that Dan told me. I can’t exactly risk Dan’s neck for my cause either.

HELP! What should I do?
 
I think its best if you just left things as they are.

If you tell the girl either upfront or anonymously about what is going on then you risk ruining the friendship with Dan and on top of this possibly bringing on the wrath of your ex who doesn’t sound like too stable of a guy to begin with.

Yes, it stinks when you know that an ex might cause suffering to someone you know but when you have too many cooks in the kitchen and you may be the one ending up getting burnt the most from revealing the truth in the end.

I don’t know how well you know this girl you use to work with or how good of a friend Dan is to you but I wouldn’t risk putting Dan or yourself in the middle of this situation.
 
DeusVeritas said:
I think its best if you just left things as they are.

If you tell the girl either upfront or anonymously about what is going on then you risk ruining the friendship with Dan and on top of this possibly bringing on the wrath of your ex who doesn’t sound like too stable of a guy to begin with.

Yes, it stinks when you know that an ex might cause suffering to someone you know but when you have too many cooks in the kitchen and you may be the one ending up getting burnt the most from revealing the truth in the end.

I don’t know how well you know this girl you use to work with or how good of a friend Dan is to you but I wouldn’t risk putting Dan or yourself in the middle of this situation.
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I strongly disagree. Left and right in today’s culture there are good christian girls being corrupted. If this girl is the niave innocent Christian girl you say she is and you think there is a chance she’ll be used or corrupted or hurt by this guy, I think you have an obligation as a fellow christian to help her however you can. I think standing on the sidelines and watching a good Christian girl be “had” by this guy is the most terrible advice someone could give. Personally I’d even say this girl’s innocence, and the preservation thereof, is more important than your friendship with Dan. Though, will you really not be friends with him if you simply give her a fair warning? A very vague one maybe?
 
Dan should tell your girl friend, or Dan should keep his trap shut. Dan should not be telling Bob’s ex, you, anything about Bob, period. Why is Dan putting this burden on you? Is he a troublemaker?

It’s up to Dan to confront Bob, if he so chooses. It’s up to Dan to talk to this poor lady who may be heading for trouble.

If you tell your female friend what Bob is doing, would she believe you, or would you be the “scorned woman” in her eyes? (Though it doesn’t sound true at all, this lady will most likely believe Bob’s spin on things.) If the lady asks why you know so much about Bob’s recent activities and why you care, what is your answer going to be?
 
If the girl is in danger of STDs (which would be the case with Bob) or of sin (like fornication) than you have an obligation as a Christian to warn her of what Bob is doing, and tell her how you know about it. Tell the whole truth.

If, on the other hand, she is in no danger, than let it be. But pray for everyone.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Ok, so about 2 months ago I broke up with this guy, we’ll call him Bob. Bob was controlling and border-lining on emotionally abusive (wouldn’t let me wear makeup or have “girls night in”, guilt trips etc.). Bob and I have a mutual friend named Dan.

Dan told me that Bob is now “playing” (I really dislike that word, but will use it anyways) around 5 or 6 girls and sleeping with some of them (:eek:). As it turns out, one of these girls is a girl I used to work with. They haven’t slept together (thank God). This girl is the picture of innocence. She’s wholesome, Christian and incredibly kind but also horribly naive.

Should I tell her what I know about the other girls? Should I tell her what happened during my relationship with Bob? I feel like if I don’t then I’m partially responsible for whatever hurt Bob causes her.

But on the other hand, Bob didn’t want Dan to tell me this. If I tell this girl, she will likely tell Bob who will know that Dan told me. I can’t exactly risk Dan’s neck for my cause either.

HELP! What should I do?
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It really depends on how well you know this girl and your relationship with her. If you know her well enough to be sharing information I’d suggest you share what happened in your relationship with “Bob”. You could say that you suspect that he may not have been faithful to you, rather than telling her about the other girls now and implicating “Dan”. Suggest that she is cautious in her relationship with “Bob” and watches out for the same type of behaviour from him in her relationship. Then its up to her to look out for herself - something we all have to learn to do, even (especially) kind, wholesome, naive, Christian girls.
 
Tell the naive, Christian girl, but do it anonymously (just how you achieve that is up to your ingenuity).
She needs to know.
If she is still enamoured with this guy, then you’ve done all you can.

Otherwise, tell her openly and accept any consequences as a necessary part of your Christian life. If you lose friends over it, then perhaps they’re not the kind of friends you’d want anyway.

Just my opinion.

editing in:
oh, and if it gets a bit nasty, or even looks like it, get a restraining order on “Bob” (or whatever you have available where you live). It won’t stop a bullet, but it does give you legal recourse, if nothing else.
 
I would suggest that you tell the girl what you yourself actually know from your own experience with Bob, which is bad enough.

To tell her what you heard from someone else is simply gossip.
 
What is not being considered is whether Mr. Dan is telling the truth. Who knows if he is letting the ex-girlfriend (OP) know all this stuff just to get even with this guy.

It is not Christian for me to tell someone to stick their nose into a situation where they don’t know all of the facts. The Christian thing would be to tell them to find out the truth before spilling the beans and having a bunch of drama on their hands.

So James924…if you want to think I am a horrible Christian or that its the worst advice that can be given then so be it. I for one am not going to give advice that can possibly put the original poster in a position of harm by her ex.

** I guess you missed the part where the OP said her ex was abusive. **
 
Wow, Bob must be a real prize if everyone is afraid of what he might do even after a relationship ends. He controls people long after he’s finished with them, apparently.

Even men fear him?

I’m with the posters that say you should warn the innocent girl, but only about what you know. Yes, you might sound like a bitter, scorned ex, but there are ways you can phrase it to mitigate that perception.

You see, I was once an innocent God-fearing girl who met with someone who was a player. When he got engaged to me and I finally met people who actually knew him, they were all shocked he was getting married. (Shoulda been my first clue.) One of the women he knew as a friend even told me one of his nicknames at work. Not that great. I should have run screaming into traffic.

I wish someone had taken me aside and said “Look, I know you are very enamored of him. But he has another side. I have seen the initial impression he gives, which is very good, but after time, another side of him comes out and it can be very hurtful. Please be careful. And if you ever want more information, give me a call.”

Then it is up to her to ask herself questions.

Believe me, if anyone had been kind enough to tell me these things, I would have eventually called to ask for details. Might have made me question his lies earlier.
 
Even though this is kind of cowardly, you could send her an anonymous email or text message telling her that Bob has a few other girls and she is at risk. This way she won’t know you told her and Bob can’t trace it back to you.
 
Could you and Dan jointly meet up with this gal for coffee or something? You can share your personal experience and Dan can share what he’s seen with his own eyes. And if Dan is reluctant, tell him he needs to man up a bit and help keep this gal from being hurt. You shouldn’t be put in the position of having to relay someone else’s observations-- that’s sidling up very close to gossip, IMHO.

Margaret
 
Eucharisted said:
If the girl is in danger of STDs (which would be the case with Bob) or of sin (like fornication) than you have an obligation as a Christian to warn her of what Bob is doing, and tell her how you know about it. Tell the whole truth.

If, on the other hand, she is in no danger, than let it be. But pray for everyone.
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This pretty much sums it up.
 
On the one hand, we should not gossip.

On the other hand, if what “Dan” says is true, due to the possibility of STDs, the friend should know this upfront. Besides, we need to take advantage of any opportunity we get to thwart a fornicator and show the world that there are consequences and that it doesn’t pay to be promiscuous.
 
Well, since Dan told you this maybe you should consult him about telling your friend? Maybe he wouldn’t mind, maybe he would. If he would ask if you could tell her anonymously.

This guy seems like bad news, even if he wasn’t “playing” he seems like an abusive guy women should stay away from.
 
Good day and GOD bless…This is really a sad situation…some men just don’t know how to keep it in their pants…unfortunately and then naive/innocent girls get stuck trying to figure out where they went wrong… I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe talk to her and give her some advice…maybe even give her a chat about your experience with this guy…I have done that when friend’s of mine dated guys I had really bad relationships with…Unfortunately they wouldn’t listen and later on would ask me why they didn’t listen to me…They would give me this excuse “but he swears he has changed!” I would tell them that everyone deserves a second chance, but that when they feel things getting a bit too weird to let it go and run as fast as they could, didn’t listen and ended up getting hurt…

If you feel that responsible about this girl then just give her advice…God willing she will be ok and know when he’s going a bit too far and stand up for herself…

Good luck and GOD bless…
 
AdriannaJean said:
. As it turns out, one of these girls is a girl I used to work with. They haven’t slept together (thank God). This girl is the picture of innocence. She’s wholesome, Christian and incredibly kind but also horribly naive.
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If she is wholesome and a good christian girl then what exactly do you have to worry about? Sometimes guys like this scumbag need a good christian to help them. Perhaps you mistake her being naive with a charitable view of the world. But a good Christian does not just shed her clothes at the 1st don juan to wink at her. Couldit be that maybe we tend to demonized the guy and victimize the poor damsel in distress because hey… he bamboozled you so there must be no defense right?
 
iluvmybabies said:
Good day and GOD bless…This is really a sad situation…some men just don’t know how to keep it in their pants…unfortunately and then naive/innocent girls get stuck trying to figure out where they went wrong…
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LOL the mental image here is good. “What went wrong”

“Some men can’t keep it in there pants” It stays in the pants unless it has a place to go.

Some women just can’t keep thier pants on.:rolleyes:
 
Anything that you hear from Dan about Bob is just hearsay so you don’t really know what he is or isn’t doing. Dan should just man up and tell all of the girls they are getting played and not just the young virgin.
 
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