This thread is going to quickly diverge into two related but separate discussions. The first is the usual advice about how to break the habit, and the second is whether you should tell your girlfriend.
I’ll start with the first, because it comes up a lot more often and I can say it quickly. There is no quick fix. You have compromised your free will and fallen – more literally than people outside your addiction can understand – into a true slavery of sin. Breaking free of the sin will require every ounce of power within you, but even that will not be enough. You will also need grace – lots of it. Unless you are very, very fortunate, it will be a long, slow process, with improvement almost imperceptible until suddenly things are different. Go to confession often - I suggest no less than once every two weeks, no more than twice a week - receive communion as often as you are able, and pray every night, rain or shine, for freedom. Then gird yourself for battle, because even with God on your side it’s not going to be easy and you will lose quite often for quite a while.
Personally, I don’t think that most of the other tools offered to help break the porn/masturbation habit are useful. Someone suggested porn filters. They’re impressive pieces of software, and can usually block around 95% of online porn. Now, that sounds impressive, but actually that remaining 5% makes the filter useless. You know what it’s like in the throes of the sin: you want it, and you will go to considerable efforts to find it. Eventually, you’ll succeed, and then you’re right back at square one. The only thing I think porn filters give is a false sense of security, and, despite the best intentions behind them, that makes them a hindrance, best discarded. Perhaps someone else has had a better experience with them. I dunno.
Now, second, we come to your actual question. Should you tell your girlfriend?
No, it’s not something to bring up directly. She’s 19; you’re 19. You’re not getting married for at least a few years yet. Presumably you’re not seriously discussing a proposal at this young age, either. Telling her at this point can accomplish no good, and it can bring about quite a bit of evil.
After all, you’d be putting her in a terrible position. If your girlfriend told you that she struggled with chastity, would that make your struggle more or less difficult? (Answer: more.) Why should it be any different for her? (Answer: it isn’t. Girls are sexual beings too, and they also struggle with chastity quite a bit in this perverse era. Don’t make it harder for them.)
You’d also be putting yourself in a terrible position – I am certain there’s a part of you deep down that wants to share this with her, and not for spiritual reasons. It’s that very same part of you that wants to find new methods of titilation and is willing to lie to the rest of you to find them. Listen to that voice, identify what it’s saying, and then do the opposite.
You’d be putting the both of you in a terrible position. This is my weakest objection, but it still bears mentioning: talking about this sort of the thing is the first step in breaking down the barriers that allow really excellent, devout, Catholic couples to fall into fornication. It probably won’t happen here, but why take the risk?
Most significantly… you just don’t need to be talking about your sex lives with one another. Sexuality in general, especially in its relation to Church teaching, would certainly be a good conversation topic at this point, but anything too specific is simply not appropriate for two people who are so far away from making any vows with one another. Talking about your sexuality with someone else pulls that person in to your innermost being – and vice versa. Unless there’s a corresponding commitment there, a commitment that legitimates such deep, private sharing – or, as here, you’re talking to other people who share the same struggles and can help you – all you’re doing is inviting that other person to gawk. I’m sure you really do love each other, and very possibly will end up married… but you’re just not at a commitment level yet where it is possible to do anything but gawk. However much you care about each other emotionally, even spiritually, it would be harmful.
Consider it again when you are on the verge of proposing marriage. Hopefully, by then, you will be able to talk about your struggles in the past tense instead of the present. By then, you will be at a point where the sharing transcends gawking into something deeper.
Having said all this, at the same time, yes, there are things she should know. Yes, you are failing her – betraying her, really – every time you succumb to this sin. Yes, there is something that is holding you back in your relationship with her. She should know that (1) you struggle with some persistent sins, (2) that you believe your failures are holding you back from a fully fruitful relationship with her, and (3) that you don’t want to talk more specifically than that. That is all she needs to know, and it is all that’s healthy to share with her. If you are serious about each other, she will respect the boundaries you’re setting around yourself. There is also nothing wrong with speaking authoritatively in conversation with her on topics like the slavery of sin, the difficulty of grace, feelings of despair and desolation, the importance of confession, the dangers of addiction, or the fact that porn and masturbation are deeply unhealthy and addictive. If they come up, it’s okay to share what you know from experience - just don’t share the experiences themselves.
Oh, and, yes, as soon as she hears “persistent sin” and notices that (gasp!) she’s dating a 19-year-old American man raised since the outbreak of the 20th Century (shocking!), she will very likely figure out exactly what that sin is. If she doesn’t figure it out from that, undoubtedly she’ll catch on when she remarks that she doesn’t see the problem with male masturbation and you reply that all masturbators feel feelings of deep isolation and cut-off-ness from the world, from God, from their loved ones, and from any notion of authentic love. That’s okay. It’s alright if she figures it out, and if she asks any direct questions, there’s no need to lie. Just answer that you don’t feel it would be healthy to discuss it right now. There is a world of difference between figuring out your significant other’s challenges through oblique references and sitting down one night and talking about how you jerk off to naked women on the internet. The first is healthy; the second, even if phrased less crassly, is an inherently crass conversation to have at this stage, and it can only damage the two of you and your relationship.
I hope this advice is useful. I waged this same debate with myself when I was 19 last year, so I’m feel like I’m talking to myself here.
