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Tablefor9
Guest
Wife has issues over time with depression and anger, husband has issues over time with lust and lack of self control. Strictly a guess on my part, sir, but…MIGHT be your affairs aren’t so secret.****
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TriciaF
Guest
I do feel sorry for your wife. You are an emotionally absentee husband, affairs, including a serious long-term one that you can’t promise not to resume. I’d be a depressed wife, and not to keen for sex either, because she must know at some level how uncommitted you are and that you don’t love and respect her as your affairs indicate.
God help you to heal your soul mind and life, and God bless and heal your wife.
God help you to heal your soul mind and life, and God bless and heal your wife.
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maryjk
Guest
Sounds like a good guess. A very good one.Wife has issues over time with depression and anger, husband has issues over time with lust and lack of self control. Strictly a guess on my part, sir, but…MIGHT be your affairs aren’t so secret.****
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mariemargaret
Guest
Even if she doesn’t know about the affairs, in her heart she knows that she is not #1 in your heart. That knowledge probably bleeds out into all kinds of negative behavior and emotion.
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DeniseNY
Guest
I tend to agree with this. Take the guilt that you are feeling as your penance. Ask for God’s forgiveness, and be a better husband to your wife; the kind of husband she deserves, and the kind you promised to be when you made your vows.Do not tell, it would cause her more pain. Keep that to yourself and take it as a cross you have to bear. Talk to your priest and a counselor.
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Overture
Guest
The whole debate about whether or not to tell your wife about the affair concerns me. The goal of reconciliation and confession and forgiveness is not to avoid pain. That’s not the point of life. You did something sinful-- we all do, to be sure-- but we all must be held accountable to those we wrong. If we refuse to confront a sin that we committed against another person because we think it may rock the boat, then we’re simply compounding the issue. The webs of deceit become thicker, and we must further lie to maintain the lie.
It reminds me of Matthew 5:22-24. It’s not a total correlation, since you are man and wife, but I think that the sentiment and purpose has a lot to say about your predicament about whether or not to confront your wife with the reality that she must on some level already be aware of:
As Christians, we’re called to forgive others as our Father forgives us for our sins. Denying your wife this privilege just isn’t right, I don’t think.
It reminds me of Matthew 5:22-24. It’s not a total correlation, since you are man and wife, but I think that the sentiment and purpose has a lot to say about your predicament about whether or not to confront your wife with the reality that she must on some level already be aware of:
Anything less than allowing her to participate in this reconciliation and forgiveness is, frankly, cowardice in the face of what is demanded. She is a party in this transaction. It’s not just between you and God, though that would certainly make it easier for you.But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire. So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.
As Christians, we’re called to forgive others as our Father forgives us for our sins. Denying your wife this privilege just isn’t right, I don’t think.
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E_7
Guest
I agree 100%. I would feel the same if I were in her position. Also, why the need to have an affair? Is it because you are not a real man of being responsible and committed to your wife and marriage. Are there issues you don’t want to address and work on and instead escape and have a temporal “relief”? It is because of feminized men like you that there are many hurt marriages. You gotta accept your God-given role of a man and commit yourself to your marriage. Seriously, we are not in this world to seek self pleasure. We are in this world to fight to be holy every day. May the Lord have mercy on your soul. And may He find you repentant and confessed when your hour of judgment comes.Even if she doesn’t know about the affairs, in her heart she knows that she is not #1 in your heart. That knowledge probably bleeds out into all kinds of negative behavior and emotion.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
I’d really ask your Confessor.
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E_7
Guest
Besides reconciliation with God, you need to reconcile with your wife. And not reconcile with the devil and continue your affair…
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Mayita30
Guest
No wonder your wife is depressed. With a husband cheating on her, who would not feel depressed. You do not need to tell your wife about your affair. I am sure she knows about it. If you really want to do the right thing. Stop all communication with your other woman and be a good Husband !
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Mayita30
Guest
Your wife is getting therapy. What about you?? Seriously , I think you are the one who needs it. Don’t you ever think that your wife is depressed because of your affairs. Seriously, have some empathy !!!I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.
Our very rocky marriage includes her bouts with depression, very little/infrequent sexual intimacy; and a recent violent episode on her part directed at me and on another occasion, at our teen daughter. Per our pastor/counsellor’s advice, she is getting a week of intensive therapy out of state soon.
I have much blame to bear, including, beginning in the last several years, a few affairs. The last of these is very emotionally intense also, and my affair partner and I have discussed divorce and being together, since we both abhor the lying and deceit. We’ve broken up and resumed several times, and are currently broken up again, but I’d be kidding myself if I said I thought it was a permanent breakup. I’ve confessed sacramentally but obviously struggle with the “amend my life” part.
I am meeting with my pastor/counsellor tonight, to tell him about my affairs. I think he should know since he is counselling us as a couple. A question I will ask him, and probably be guided by his advice since he knows us both well:
do I tell my wife?
She is quite fragile, and if I had to guess, I think she would kick me out.
Others have argued that if I don’t tell her, how can she truly know who she’s married to, that it would be deceptive and mean to let her think I’m faithful when I haven’t been, and that any wife would want to know this information, painful and hurtful as it would be.
Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done and what kind of man I really am, so she can decide if she wants to be with me? I feel like now she has a very incomplete picture of the “real me.” I’m very afraid to tell her and honestly would rather not, but I have trouble answering friends who say she has a right to know the “real” me so she can decide what to do.
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runningdude
Guest
You need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. So should your wife, although the reason why you want her tested could be circumspect.I’m a Catholic man married 27 years with 5 children, only one full time at home now.
…
Even at the risk of it causing a separation, doesn’t my wife deserve to know what I’ve really done…
As, an aside, following your wife’s week of intensive therapy, she should continue receiving on going support. A single week will not be enough to overcome her difficulties.
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runningdude
Guest
Depression is a complicated disease, that need not have any specific cause or trigger. It does not excuse violence, however. The OP has already stated that he is in couple’s therapy with his wife.Your wife is getting therapy. What about you?? Seriously , I think you are the one who needs it. Don’t you ever think that your wife is depressed because of your affairs. Seriously, have some empathy !!!
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Mayita30
Guest
sure. Depression is a complicated disease but what is the OP doing with his affairs? He is quick to blame his wife but what about him? IS he ready to give up his mistress. Having an affair cannot be justified at all.Depression is a complicated disease, that need not have any specific cause or trigger. It does not excuse violence, however. The OP has already stated that he is in couple’s therapy with his wife.
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Mayita30
Guest
I hope the OP learns from this post. It says a lot about humility and how a human being capable of committing mistakes, accepts his faults, goes to confession and rectifies his errors and ways.
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henpecked
Guest
married man here - I can’t speak to the affairs - I haven’t done it… Though… I’ve been married long enough to know despite what you might think, wives have a gifted sixth sense and she probably knows, or at least suspects. It may be part of her pain. Has she ever asked you if you are or have had an affair? And I’d be cautious of the abuse of the confessional - Catholics get a bad wrap as sinning, running to confession, and going out to sin again. My wife has a southern fundamentalist bible religion background and that’s one of her favorite Catholic put downs. We have to walk the talk. And I do know it is not easy.
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