Should older couples get married?

[Alicia05]

I’ve seen a lot of people over the age of 60 remarry/marry recently, however those around me (some Catholics, some non-religious) say that it would be better if they did not do so for the following reasons:

1- Some end up marrying young people who just take advantage of their bank accounts.
2- Family harmony will be destroyed if the widowed grandfather/grandmother, who is supposed to be a unitive force, gets married to someone else.
3- If the woman is past her child-bearing age, then why even bother getting married? Perhaps it would be better if the couple just saw each other clandestinely and each saw after their own families. After all, they are only looking for companionship and/or physical intimacy.

Any comments on how to handle this issue? I don’t agree with them, but I’m unsure of how to respond.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. Good luck telling a 70 year old that they should not marry another 70 year old because some 70 year olds are taken advantage of by 30 year olds.
2. Its very tragic that you think that family harmony will be destroyed. It is very, very selfish to think that someone should remain alone in their old age because you want them to be the"unifying force" for you. Really, what would you do if they died? Many elderly people in my family have gotten remarried. We were always happy for them and embraced their new spouse.
3. The Catholic church does not require that a couple be able to have kids, only that they are open to it. That you would begrudge an elderly couple falling in love and wanting intimacy and companionship is sad. Besides, in the CC the primary purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven. Elderly people are just as good, if not better at that.

 

[Elisabeth51]

1. Good luck telling a 70 year old that they should not marry another 70 year old because some 70 year olds are taken advantage of by 30 year olds.
2. Its very tragic that you think that family harmony will be destroyed. It is very, very selfish to think that someone should remain alone in their old age because you want them to be the"unifying force" for you. Really, what would you do if they died? Many elderly people in my family have gotten remarried. We were always happy for them and embraced their new spouse.
3. The Catholic church does not require that a couple be able to have kids, only that they are open to it. That you would begrudge an elderly couple falling in love and wanting intimacy and companionship is sad. Besides, in the CC the primary purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven. Elderly people are just as good, if not better at that.

 

[Gertabelle]

I would try telling them that in the Catholic Church we ask a couple to discern marriage – that is, to discern whether God is calling them to sacramental marriage. (The fact that many couples don’t do this does not change Church guidance and expectations.) If a couple in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. discern that God is calling them to sacramental marriage, they should marry. If not, they should remain single.

That’s what I would try anyway

Gert

 

[Waiting]

1. Good luck telling a 70 year old that they should not marry another 70 year old because some 70 year olds are taken advantage of by 30 year olds.
2. Its very tragic that you think that family harmony will be destroyed. It is very, very selfish to think that someone should remain alone in their old age because you want them to be the"unifying force" for you. Really, what would you do if they died? Many elderly people in my family have gotten remarried. We were always happy for them and embraced their new spouse.
3. The Catholic church does not require that a couple be able to have kids, only that they are open to it. That you would begrudge an elderly couple falling in love and wanting intimacy and companionship is sad. Besides, in the CC the primary purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven. Elderly people are just as good, if not better at that.

Your answer is so Catholic, but you call yourself an atheist. Sorry to break the thread theme, but I can’t help but wonder why.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Your answer is so Catholic, but you call yourself an atheist. Sorry to break the thread theme, but I can’t help but wonder why.

If you’re talking about my comment as a whole, its because I value family and love very much. Many people of different faiths (and non believers) have those values.

If its about the getting to heaven part, its because I’ve been on CAF long enough to know how you people think.

 

[Kelfa28]

Your answer is so Catholic, but you call yourself an atheist. Sorry to break the thread theme, but I can’t help but wonder why.

Because she has a good understanding of the way the Catholic Church works and has a good sense of morals. I’ve met a lot of atheists who display both of these traits.

In terms of the OPs questions. I’m in RCIA and one of the priests asked the question “is marriage a life long vocation like the priesthood?” You’d be amazed how many people said “yes” automatically, thinking that divorce is illegal in the Catholic Church.

Actually, no…because if someone in the relationship dies you are certainly allowed to Marry again.

In fact, it’s far more likely for a man to remarry after losing a spouse then a women to remarry. A man who has been married tends to rely on marriage as a sense of their identity and can’t cope very well when they find themselves single again.

 

[CDB1718]

I’ve seen a lot of people over the age of 60 remarry/marry recently, however those around me (some Catholics, some non-religious) say that it would be better if they did not do so for the following reasons:

1- Some end up marrying young people who just take advantage of their bank accounts.
2- Family harmony will be destroyed if the widowed grandfather/grandmother, who is supposed to be a unitive force, gets married to someone else.
3- If the woman is past her child-bearing age, then why even bother getting married? Perhaps it would be better if the couple just saw each other clandestinely and each saw after their own families. After all, they are only looking for companionship and/or physical intimacy.

Any comments on how to handle this issue? I don’t agree with them, but I’m unsure of how to respond.

1. Some young people end up marrying people who just take advantage of their bank accounts. This isn’t an issue of age but discernment and prudence. I don’t know many elderly people with huge bank accounts, but they are out there. If one of them is senile and unable to make wise decisions and it appears a young man or woman is taking advantage, there are routes of legal recourse to protect the elderly. If the elderly are able to make their own decisions, they are free to make poor choices in spouses just like the rest of us.
2. Family harmony will be destroyed because someone joins the family? The family doesn’t have harmony to begin with if they don’t have room at the table for one more.
3. The purpose of marriage is to help the spouse get to heaven. Clandestinely sneaking around to get their physical and emotional needs met outside marriage in order to put selfish and jealous feelings of sensitive family members first does not help anyone get to heaven.

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (1 Cor 7:8-9).

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

1- Some end up marrying young people who just take advantage of their bank accounts.

So instead of addressing the gold digging behavior, we deny older couples the graces conferred by the Sacrament of Marriage?

2- Family harmony will be destroyed if the widowed grandfather/grandmother, who is supposed to be a unitive force, gets married to someone else.

The Church opens the Sacrament of Marriage to widows and widowers provided they have no impediments to marry, and this we must respect. Adult children and grandchildren can deal, and if they can’t - tough beans.

Besides, it’s hard to be a single, united force with a dead person.

3- If the woman is past her child-bearing age, then why even bother getting married?

Well, maybe because there’s more to marriage than producing children?

Perhaps it would be better if the couple just saw each other clandestinely and each saw after their own families. After all, they are only looking for companionship and/or physical intimacy.

So you’d rather have people committing mortal sins than accepting the graces of being sacramentally married?

 

[bcprincess]

My own mother is well into her 70’s and my dad has been dead for 27 years.

It makes me sad that she spends so much time alone, she has never been very fond of her own company.

I do try to relieve her loneliness as much as I can, as do other members of the family.

I personally would be delighted if she had developed a relationship which lead to marriage even at her age.

 

[dailey]

1. Its very tragic that you think that family harmony will be destroyed. It is very, very selfish to think that someone should remain alone in their old age because you want them to be the"unifying force" for you. Really, what would you do if they died? Many elderly people in my family have gotten remarried. We were always happy for them and embraced their new spouse.

3

The OP wrote in her last sentence that she didn’t agree with the 3 choices…only wanted to know how to respond to them.

 

[englishredrose]

If you’re talking about my comment as a whole, its because I value family and love very much. Many people of different faiths (and non believers) have those values.

If its about the getting to heaven part, its because I’ve been on CAF long enough to know how you people think.

 

[Franna]

There are some of us middle aged folks who still hold out hope of getting married.I spent the last 12 years as a Caregiver and am also not giving up the idea of meeting a nice man even though I am 51.I definitely do not want children even though I am still fertile.And I think by the time you are in your 50’s and 60’s you are wise enough to know whether someone is marrying you for a reason other than love.

 

[Jeanne_S]

If you’re talking about my comment as a whole, its because I value family and love very much. Many people of different faiths (and non believers) have those values.

If its about the getting to heaven part, its because I’ve been on CAF long enough to know how you people think.

Perhaps we are rubbing off on you

 

[Waiting]

If you’re talking about my comment as a whole, its because I value family and love very much. Many people of different faiths (and non believers) have those values.

If its about the getting to heaven part, its because I’ve been on CAF long enough to know how you people think.

I’m very happy that your ideals are so close to the Catholic ideals. I suspect that you are a closet Catholic…somewhat like C.S.Lewis. God bless.

 

[arthurk]

I re-married 3 years ago at the age of 60. I was a widower for many years and ‘courted’ my wife for 25 years before we got married. We never lived together either. My wife had her first marriage annulled and as I was a widower we had a Catholic Church wedding. Her children and grandchildren were her bridesmaids and her grandson was the ring-boy. It was an amazing day which brought together both our families for a happy event rather than the increasing number of sad occasions that occur as you get older.
So why did we get married? Certainly not for money - neither of us have much. I think it was that we just felt that it was (well) time. I was fed up with the daily commute to see her and after 25 years - and being 60 - we wanted to somehow further commit ourselves to each other. Can’t really explain it except that the timing felt right.
And to answers the question of why? Why not?
Ok, we can’t have children, which upsets me because I never had any, but we have love, friendship and companionship. Also we understand and - usually - like each other. She really IS my best friend.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m very happy that your ideals are so close to the Catholic ideals. I suspect that you are a closet Catholic…somewhat like C.S.Lewis. God bless.

…nope. Not quite. Dedication to love and family does not a Catholic make. I appreciate the kind gestures, but I have a genuine lack of belief in god.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I re-married 3 years ago at the age of 60. I was a widower for many years and ‘courted’ my wife for 25 years before we got married. We never lived together either. My wife had her first marriage annulled and as I was a widower we had a Catholic Church wedding. Her children and grandchildren were her bridesmaids and her grandson was the ring-boy. It was an amazing day which brought together both our families for a happy event rather than the increasing number of sad occasions that occur as you get older.
So why did we get married? Certainly not for money - neither of us have much. I think it was that we just felt that it was (well) time. I was fed up with the daily commute to see her and after 25 years - and being 60 - we wanted to somehow further commit ourselves to each other. Can’t really explain it except that the timing felt right.
And to answers the question of why? Why not?
Ok, we can’t have children, which upsets me because I never had any, but we have love, friendship and companionship. Also we understand and - usually - like each other. She really IS my best friend.

That’s a beautiful and touching story, thank you for sharing it with us.

 

[Catholic90]

My own mother is well into her 70’s and my dad has been dead for 27 years.

It makes me sad that she spends so much time alone, she has never been very fond of her own company.

I do try to relieve her loneliness as much as I can, as do other members of the family.

I personally would be delighted if she had developed a relationship which lead to marriage even at her age.

I can empathize with your mom! I am a 40-something widow, and I, at least at this point, never see myself getting married again. I am very comfortable with myself, and I am happy to be able to come and go as I want.

I would also be worried that someone would be wanting to take advantage of me and my situation, so I would definitely keep them at arm’s length. Several people have suggested that I could start dating again, and the very idea is so foreign and unappealing to me. I would have to give up so much of what I have just gained…not interested!

 

[Kay_Cee]

I attended my grandfather’s wedding. Both he and his bride were in their 80s.

Anyway, my answer to the questions:

1. The abuse of something does not negate its proper use. The fact that someone might marry for money does not negate the love and affection of others.
2. I can’t see how marriage later in life destroys family harmony. It is a compliment to their previous marriages that my grandfather and my step-grandmother wanted to marry. As for finanaces, both signed a pre-nup to protect their children’s inheritance so that one family wouldn’t get everything if the other spouse died first.
3. Sex isn’t just about having babies. It’s also about bonding.