Should parents allow their adult children to live at home?

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An OSV article on this topic that we’ve been discussing frequently here.

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/11567/Should-parents-allow-their-adult-children-to-live.aspx

I thought his gudelines were very good. Not sure about the expectation that they work full-time. He does say even work at something like fast food, but I see employment as so much of the problem. If jobs were easier to get, so many 20-somethings wouldn’t need to live at home - even with a lower-end job they could get a couple of roommates and be on their on.

Thoughts?
 
It’s tough though because I had a well paying job and I was still living at home with my parents sporadically until I moved out permanently at the age of 24.

This was because I was trying to pay down my student loans, unforeseen medical bills and car trouble and a computer glitch on my W-2 at my work that resulted in me owing the IRS a lot of money (for an early twenty-something).

My parents let me live under their roof rent free until I got back on my feet more then once. I was responsible for all of my own expenses…but I didn’t have to worry about rent or utilities and that gave me a chance to catch up financially.

I think it depends on the adult child. I was working a lot of overtime so I could pay down my debt. I was rarely home, I stayed in my own part of the house and wasn’t a bother to my parents and I threw them money whenever I could.

One of my ex-boyfriends also stayed home with his parents until he was 23/24. He had a good job. But he paid rent and took care of his mother’s cell phone bill. It was still far cheaper then moving out. It allowed him to improve his credit and buy a house without wasting so much money on rent.

I think if the child isn’t making any strives to move out and their isn’t much of a purpose for he/she to be home except to slack off and have fun…then they are milking the system.

I know plenty of twenty-somethings who still are at home with mom and dad despite having jobs. But they like to go out with friends, go to concerts, buy the latest gadgets and have a really nice car…without having to pay rent, food or utilities. They don’t want to rough it with several roommates, on a diet of ramen and water and saving every penny they can.
 
I wonder if we in the U.S. sometimes put too much emphasis on children becoming independent. If it works out that way, that the young adult is so motivated and blessed with the right opportunities, then that is fine. But I look at other cultures where some children live with their parents well into adulthood, and there is often a mutual benefit for both parties. If both the parents and the adult child are agreeable, and neither feels unbearably put upon in some way, there need not be such societal stigma about it.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
An OSV article on this topic that we’ve been discussing frequently here.

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/11567/Should-parents-allow-their-adult-children-to-live.aspx

I thought his gudelines were very good. Not sure about the expectation that they work full-time. He does say even work at something like fast food, but I see employment as so much of the problem. If jobs were easier to get, so many 20-somethings wouldn’t need to live at home - even with a lower-end job they could get a couple of roommates and be on their on.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Well, I think one should want them to do something useful even if it is volunteer work four or six or eight hours five or six days a week. You can’t just let them lay around the house or shoot hoops eight hours a day. Idle hands and idle minds are the tools of the devil. Keep them busy.

Linsu2nd
 
Good article. The one thing missing was cultural conditions. In some cultures, it is very common for adult children to live at home until they marry unless they take a job far away.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Not sure about the expectation that they work full-time. He does say even work at something like fast food, but I see employment as so much of the problem. If jobs were easier to get, so many 20-somethings wouldn’t need to live at home - even with a lower-end job they could get a couple of roommates and be on their own.
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Yes, an able bodied adult should be working full time. At any job. Work generates self respect. If paying jobs are truly not available, they could be doing an internship or volunteer job to gain experience. If there are no job prospects in the area, a plan for a move needs to be made.
 
Corki said:
Good article. The one thing missing was cultural conditions. In some cultures, it is very common for adult children to live at home until they marry unless they take a job far away.
Click to expand...
Thats essentially it. There is no reason for an adult single child to live in their own home if they get along with their parents and vice versa. Why spend all that $$. If the kid is lazy or derelict its different. Why two mortgages or rents when one will do. Just not fiscally responsible.

Parents living with kids … in a civil society parents will return to live with their kids in their twilight years anyway.

Now the real reason kids are not moving out is they aren’t reproducing. The cause of not reproducing doesn’t seem to be chastity but more pharmaceutical… They used to move out because they had to…
 
christofirst said:
I wonder if we in the U.S. sometimes put too much emphasis on children becoming independent. If it works out that way, that the young adult is so motivated and blessed with the right opportunities, then that is fine. But I look at other cultures where some children live with their parents well into adulthood, and there is often a mutual benefit for both parties. If both the parents and the adult child are agreeable, and neither feels unbearably put upon in some way, there need not be such societal stigma about it.
Click to expand...
I agree.

I lived at home, when I could have moved out. It was 25 years ago. But it was beneficial to my parents and to me. They needed the help, I saved money. I was working full time.

But on the idea of having to work full time, I don’t agree that an adult child would have to work full time. 🤷 Part time work? Sure. School? Yep. Help around the house? Of course.

I think about when my husband was out of work. Everyone, or it seemed like everyone, thought he should take whatever job that was offered. So, if Home Depot or Lowe’s offered him a full time job, he should have taken it. The problem with that is his background is engineering. So, yes, he could have been working, but he would of had to stop his job search. 🤷 Home Depot wouldn’t have wanted to give him off whenever he had an interview. That would have meant he would have trashed his electrical engineering degree and started a new “career” as a “sales associate.” :rolleyes:
 
bitznbitez said:
Thats essentially it. There is no reason for an adult single child to live in their own home if they get along with their parents and vice versa. Why spend all that $$.
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My opinion is that proving to yourself that you can live on your own is a worthy and important developmental step - and, in fact, is the one step I stress to my children as necessary before considering marriage.

From practicing all household tasks - even the trivial ones - to learning how to live with the silence of being alone (one that exists even when you blast the stereo), there are many lessons about yourself one can learn from living on their own.
 
Corki said:
Good article. The one thing missing was cultural conditions. In some cultures, it is very common for adult children to live at home until they marry unless they take a job far away.
Click to expand...
bitznbitez said:
Thats essentially it. There is no reason for an adult single child to live in their own home if they get along with their parents and vice versa. Why spend all that $$. If the kid is lazy or derelict its different. Why two mortgages or rents when one will do. Just not fiscally responsible.

Parents living with kids … in a civil society parents will return to live with their kids in their twilight years anyway.
Click to expand...
Exactly. My husband is from Eastern Europe and it is very much the norm for parents and adult children to live together even after marriage. At first, I didn’t want to do it but after a few years, I have come to embrace the multi-generational household.

My in-laws live with us. They are retired and help take care of the kids while my husband and I work. My MIL cooks, cleans and manages the home. My FIL does the yard work and has a vegetable garden. They even help pay for food and other expenses with their pension. We save money on day care, maid service, etc. We also have less stress because a lot of the things that come with managing a home are taken care of by my in-laws. The kids are happy because they are with their grandparents all the time. I seriously have the Best. Deal. Ever.
 
I have no problem with adult children continuing to live at home pending certain conditions. Working and going to school are a must. If they’re out of school or it’s not in session then they need to be working as close to full time as they can muster. I also expect some sort of contribution, both financially and with the chores. I’m not saying they have to pay the same sort of rent they would living on our own, but when our son was still at home he was expected to pay $100-150 month. This in no ways came close to covering his share of the food and utilities, but it helped out and gave him at least some idea of the value of money. He also had to pay for his own entertainment and transportation.

As far as chores, he was expected to mow the lawn, pick up his own things and help with the dishes (loading the dishwasher), laundry (emptying the dryer) and taking the trash out. He’s always been a bit of a neat freak so he would do extra cleaning on his own without being asked. This was appreciated but not mandatory. Some people threw fits over the excessive and oppressive amount of chores we burdened him with, but his younger sisters are expected to do the same (minus the mowing) as well as keeping their rooms clean. Oddly enough, nobody has ever taken issue with the girls’ having chores.

We didn’t have a lot of other rules but we expected them to be followed. One of the big ones was that if he was home when the family went to Mass, he came with us. We had a standing rule that he couldn’t drink in the house, but alcohol makes him sick so this wasn’t something we actually had to enforce. Smoking was also off limits, but that goes for anyone who comes into our house. We expected him to be home at a reasonable hour on nights we worked and on nights he worked, and we expected him to tell us where/when/who when he went out, but otherwise he was pretty much free to come and go as he pleased. We also enforced a strict no-pornography rule, which I always mistakenly thought was a no-brainer. You’d be shocked at how many people threw absolute and angry fits over that.

To be honest, I’m in no real hurry for any of my kids to leave the nest. I have friends who kicked their kids out at 18 and most of them ended up real messes in bad situations then came home and proved to be far more of a burden than if they’d been given those few extra years to mature and get on their feet.
 
Perhaps it was assumed but the article neglected to mention adult children with disabilities, etc. I think we too often (at least I’ve experienced it) assume there are programs to allow adults with disabilities to live independently with the assistance of agencies, etc. and this is considered the best. Where I am, however, the supports are no where near adequate and I feel safer living with my parents. But even people look down on me for this (I cannot take care of all of my needs due to my physical limitations).

With that being said, I think each situation, regardless if there are circumstances like mine, is unique and if living at home is the best for the said adult child, it is perfectly ok.

This is just something that came to mind when I read about paying rent and thinking about adults with disabilities. Ironically, with how the SSI system is, the adult child, if living in someone elses home, is required to pay their “fair share” or else the benefit is reduced by a third.
 
The idea of when adult children should move out is only cultural so it can’t be sin. So many cultures today and almost all cultures in the past had adult children living with them along with many generations in one home. It has a lot to do with culture, with finances, with the parent’s health etc like if the parent can’t live alone and is a widow etc and the adult child is fine with it and works and helps the parent etc. There’s just too many different variables to just label it as a sin like it’s a black or white issue. So many things can influence someone’s decision to do that. It’s only in new modern times, the last 100yrs or so with cars and travel invented do people feel like adult children need to move out as soon as they reach 18. In the past even in America people were born, grew up in and raised their own kids in the same home. 🤷 So it all depends on the circumstances.
 
iepuras said:
Exactly. My husband is from Eastern Europe and it is very much the norm for parents and adult children to live together even after marriage. At first, I didn’t want to do it but after a few years, I have come to embrace the multi-generational household.

My in-laws live with us. They are retired and help take care of the kids while my husband and I work. My MIL cooks, cleans and manages the home. My FIL does the yard work and has a vegetable garden. They even help pay for food and other expenses with their pension. We save money on day care, maid service, etc. We also have less stress because a lot of the things that come with managing a home are taken care of by my in-laws. The kids are happy because they are with their grandparents all the time. I seriously have the Best. Deal. Ever.
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Yes, that’s how society used to work before there was daycare, and all of these programs we have today. 🤷
 
christofirst said:
I wonder if we in the U.S. sometimes put too much emphasis on children becoming independent. If it works out that way, that the young adult is so motivated and blessed with the right opportunities, then that is fine. But I look at other cultures where some children live with their parents well into adulthood, and there is often a mutual benefit for both parties. If both the parents and the adult child are agreeable, and neither feels unbearably put upon in some way, there need not be such societal stigma about it.
Click to expand...
I agree. As a non-American I find this requirement quite strange and can’t relate to it at all.
 
My brother and I still live with our parents. We’re 26 and 24 respectively. We graduated in the same year, and stayed at home jobless for around the same time. Funny enough when I got my first job, he also got hired a week later! So we’ve been working since then, save for 2 months in which I quit my first job and started by current one.

I once suggested to my mother that I move out and SHE WAS HAVING NONE OF IT. She told us to stay, establish ourselves, and once we get married, we can move out. Good thing is that we both have our own rooms in a separate part of the house so we can lead our own independent lives if we wish.

Some reasons for moving out are understandable. Some guys want to be closer to their places of work, some don’t have any family in the city, or home is just unbearable (eg too many inhabitants). My workplace is an 45-60 mins away from home during rush hour if I drive, so that’s very doable.

This particular question was raised on a morning radio program one day, and most of the contributors supported living at home till when they’re established. Some of us crave for independence so that they won’t be inhibited in any of their pleasurable activites, e.g coming back home at 2 wasted, or bringing in any woman at any time you want.

To emphasize my point, a few weeks ago, one of my childhood friends moved out of their home to a suburb nearby. He loves his bottle you know. So one day he got into a fight in a bar, got beaten up, and spent the night at a police cell. His dad (who shares an office with my dad) got a call that his son was at the police station. He went to pick him up, and first stop was at his son’s house. He told him to pack up all his stuff and that he was moving back in with the rest of the family.
 
If you’re asking this question, you are obviously not Italian.
 
I know adult children who stay home to take care of aging parents.

I know others who live at home because they don’t have a job and don’t have anywhere else to go (until they get a job or further education). I’m thinking of one person, in particular, who’s sick and tired of living with her parents, but she’s working on finding a job in her field.

I know other people who stayed at home because it was the expectation until they got married. (Yep - Italian family!)

It depends entirely on the situation and what the family needs and values. 👍

Also, I hadn’t thought of the adult child who has disabilities, but that’s a good example too!
 
This is a great discussion, thanks!

I’m also with the crowd that says that it is very normal in many cultures (most cultures?) for adult children to live with their parents. Perhaps a better way of saying that is that multi-generational families are common in many cultures.

I grew up with my grandmother living with us. I lived at home after college, as did my sisters, and one of them lived at home until she got married. We are all well-adjusted, contributing members of society.

I actually think this model is better. Yes, there is value in living alone for a time, but in reality, how many people actually do that? I think people often move from their parents house to roommates in a dorm/apartment to married life.

In Catholic thought, the smallest unit of society is the family, not the individual. Even in religious life, communal living of some type is the norm rather than truly solitary hermits. By focusing so much on individualism, I feel that American Catholics lose some of that sense of the “domestic church.” It also affects how we adapt to married life and living in true community again.
 
Some thoughts about having adult children pay “rent” or contribute to expenses. I’m not sure I see the need for that. Perhaps others have a different experience.

When I lived with my parents after college, I did not pay any set amount for expenses. Neither did my older sisters. We hadn’t paid any amount toward the mortgage or utilities when we were in high school or college either. Obviously the mortgage amount didn’t chnage whether we were there or not and my parents had to pay it regardless (they also at the time had no plans to move to a smaller house). Especially in a family that still has younger children living at home, I can’t see how one more person would significantly increase even the water bill.

We had all gone to college and graduated, were working, and not spending our money friviously. We also didn’t have tons of money - folks in entry level jobs usually don’t. My parents had already taught us about saving and money mangement, so requiring a set financial contribution wasn’t necessary from that point of view.

Of course, I would expect an adult to contribute to the running of the house in terms of chores/errands and of course to pick up after themselves.

We did all of course pay for our own incidentals (toiletries, clothes, etc.) And we would pick up groceries and cook meals. But even so I just don’t see how an adult living with her parents could be such a huge financial drain on the parents.:confused:
 
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