Should parents allow their adult children to live at home?

[Gordon_Sims]

Thanks for sharing those details. You do have very specific examples to point to - I can definately see how a young adult with a job should contribute financially when he is creating expenses at that level. I do agree that these decisions need to be made by each family. I guess I just lean a bit more to the extended family model.

One point I always tried to make clear, whether it was my son or someone else complaining about the “unfairness” of his situation, is that how we handle our kids living at home is never going to be a one-size-fits-all solution. There were lots of areas where our son simply chose not to take responsibility. We felt living on his own would be the best solution for him in order to try to force some measure of responsibility and let him see that the way he was handling himself wasn’t conducive to a productive adult life. However, I knew that kicking him out wasn’t the best solution either, so we did what we could to present living at home as the least optimal solution for him. In other words, we wanted him out in order that he grow and gain some maturity & responsibility, but we knew that if he didn’t take those steps on his own he wasn’t going to get off on the right foot and would likely fail miserably. Some of our choices were designed to make him feel the pinch of living at home, while others were simply a necessity to help offset his ever-expanding financial burdens.

At the same time, we were asked repeatedly if we were going to treat our girls the same way when they got to that age. The most honest answer I can give is, “I don’t know.” Our girls’ personalities are all very different than our son’s. I truly doubt they’ll be as reluctant to leave home. At the same time, they’re all more mature and responsible than he was at their age so there’s a good chance that having them at home won’t be as stressful. On top of that, we’ll be in (or close to) our 50s by then, so I’m sure some of the extra help will be welcome. However, a lot of the rules we “cruelly” imposed on him will apply to them as well (reasonable curfews, no porn, no inappropriate activity in front of the younger ones, Dad controls the TV, etc.). It will be interesting to see if we’re still viewed as the unfair, evil tyrants by others when they’re at that stage.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Yeah, me neither. I guess I wonder what the difference is between a 17yo high schooler with chores at home, and the same person a few years later who isn’t expected to do any chores (either the same ones as before or others).

This is one of the things that always got me worked up. When our son was in high school, the people in our lives who love to complain about such things generally saw the chores that he had as reasonable and expected for someone his age. As soon as he graduated and was a legal adult, though, they were seen as ridiculous and unfair. I couldn’t figure out why it was okay to expect him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, but not now. Our older daughters were also getting old enough that they were able to take on more chores and responsibilities, which not only got them chipping in, but it reduced the amount of things he was asked to do. Asking the girls to empty the dishwasher or take out the trash was seen as okay, but if we asked our son to do it we were suddenly more despicable than Hitler (I’m not exaggerating; I was called a ****ing Nazi on more than one occasion, all over minor household chores).

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The article pretty much mirrors my guidelines, though last time I dealt with this, I had to throw in music and video games (excessive) as deal breakers for staying at home. ** When one has younger children, the adult who stays has to follow a strictness that he may not want.**

We fought this battle frequently, although it was mostly other family members complaining about the harsh restrictions we put on our son. We don’t watch inappropriate shows or movies, or listen to vulgar music around our daughters so you’d think it would be seen as reasonable that we don’t let our son do that, either. Instead, we found out that restricting R-rated movies until after the girls’ bedtime and requiring headphones when he listened to his music were mean-spirited and uncalled for attacks on his social development. We don’t bring porn into the house ourselves, so it should go to follow that we don’t let anyone else do it, either. On the contrary, we were told several times, including by a couple normally-sane, practicing Catholics, that by preventing him from having porn as an “outlet” we were abusing him. Oddly enough, none of those people who felt he should have free reign to use and abuse porn in our house wanted to let him do the same in theirs. You’d think some of this would fall under the heading of common sense.

 

[EasterJoy]

One point I always tried to make clear, whether it was my son or someone else complaining about the “unfairness” of his situation, is that how we handle our kids living at home is never going to be a one-size-fits-all solution. There were lots of areas where our son simply chose not to take responsibility. We felt living on his own would be the best solution for him in order to try to force some measure of responsibility and let him see that the way he was handling himself wasn’t conducive to a productive adult life. However, I knew that kicking him out wasn’t the best solution either, so we did what we could to present living at home as the least optimal solution for him. In other words, we wanted him out in order that he grow and gain some maturity & responsibility, but we knew that if he didn’t take those steps on his own he wasn’t going to get off on the right foot and would likely fail miserably. Some of our choices were designed to make him feel the pinch of living at home, while others were simply a necessity to help offset his ever-expanding financial burdens.

At the same time, we were asked repeatedly if we were going to treat our girls the same way when they got to that age. The most honest answer I can give is, “I don’t know.” Our girls’ personalities are all very different than our son’s. I truly doubt they’ll be as reluctant to leave home. At the same time, they’re all more mature and responsible than he was at their age so there’s a good chance that having them at home won’t be as stressful. On top of that, we’ll be in (or close to) our 50s by then, so I’m sure some of the extra help will be welcome. However, a lot of the rules we “cruelly” imposed on him will apply to them as well (reasonable curfews, no porn, no inappropriate activity in front of the younger ones, Dad controls the TV, etc.). It will be interesting to see if we’re still viewed as the unfair, evil tyrants by others when they’re at that stage.

Some in my family needed to leave home just about as soon as their financial situation allowed them to do it, for many reasons. As the saying goes in our family, “Life isn’t fair. Life is good. If you think about it long, most of us are thankful for that.” Besides, how is it unfair that you ask him to follow the same rules that you impose on yourself? Are you making him buy you a TV, making him pay for the cable, and then forcing him to watch what you want? How would he feel if you did that to him? (Ah-HA!!)

I really have a hard time seeing what kind of adult would find pitching in with the domestic work of the home they’re living in as “unfair”. Why should you and your wife get stuck with all the work? That’s silly. Does this kid think his wife is going to mow his lawn, do all the cooking, and do his laundry? Does he think his future wife will thank you for throwing up your hands and allowing porn into your home? If his future wife won’t let him watch porn, why would you? Well, if married men don’t get to do all this stuff he wants to do, why is it some unfairness that you don’t allow it, either?

You are only expecting him to abide by the rules that you abide by yourself. There is nothing unfair about that.

 

[EasterJoy]

…we found out that restricting R-rated movies until after the girls’ bedtime and requiring headphones when he listened to his music were mean-spirited and uncalled for attacks on his social development…we were told several times, including by a couple normally-sane, practicing Catholics, that by preventing him from having porn as an “outlet” we were abusing him. Oddly enough, none of those people who felt he should have free reign to use and abuse porn in our house wanted to let him do the same in theirs. You’d think some of this would fall under the heading of common sense.

Exactly. If they want him to live with them under those rules, they ought to feel free to invite him on over. He’s an adult, they’re adults–let them all have at it!!

Of course, you could always ask these “practicing Catholics” if maybe they could make their case for your pastor. If Father agrees with them, why then…

 

[Mrs_Sally]

This is one of the things that always got me worked up. When our son was in high school, the people in our lives who love to complain about such things generally saw the chores that he had as reasonable and expected for someone his age. As soon as he graduated and was a legal adult, though, they were seen as ridiculous and unfair. I couldn’t figure out why it was okay to expect him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, but not now. Our older daughters were also getting old enough that they were able to take on more chores and responsibilities, which not only got them chipping in, but it reduced the amount of things he was asked to do. Asking the girls to empty the dishwasher or take out the trash was seen as okay, but if we asked our son to do it we were suddenly more despicable than Hitler (I’m not exaggerating; I was called a ****ing Nazi on more than one occasion, all over minor household chores).

Hmmm…interesting that other family members felt they could comment. My own mother does occasionally scold me for being too hard on my kids, but I doubt she’d ever tell me they shouldn’t do their chores.

We had a bit of that dynamic but caused by a neice living with her aunt. The aunt felt she could allow the neice to do certain things that her mom didn’t allow at home. OK fine, since she’s living with you. But then when the neice started behaving how anyone could predict she would with those rules, the aunt blamed the mom.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

You are only expecting him to abide by the rules that you abide by yourself. There is nothing unfair about that.

One of the craziest things about our situation is that, by and large, our son didn’t complain about the chores. There were times, especially when my wife was pregnant with our youngest daughter and she wasn’t up to doing anything so she called on him a lot more than normal, but those times were the exception. They’d also sometimes hear his ongoing complaints that I never did anything (you know, other than working 50+ hours each week, paying the bills, doing the shopping, taking care of all the car maintenance, cooking half the meals, driving all the kids–including him on many, many occasions–wherever they needed to go, taking care of the babies at night, doing the gardening and doing half the chores during the day when he was at school and all this stuff would get done without him there, apparently by the friendly elves who live in our chimney), so they’d latch onto that as reality and then attack us out of the blue for relying on him to do everything.

EasterJoy:

Exactly. If they want him to live with them under those rules, they ought to feel free to invite him on over. He’s an adult, they’re adults–let them all have at it!!

Of course, you could always ask these “practicing Catholics” if maybe they could make their case for your pastor. If Father agrees with them, why then…

We had him stay with one of the frequent sources of criticism for a week. I explained our rules and the reasons for them in advance. They scoffed at me and told me they’d treat him properly and with the respect he clearly didn’t get from us and they wouldn’t have any of those problems. By the end of the week they were up in arms and yelled at & blamed me for him eating them out of house and home, using all the hot water each and every morning and for infecting two of their computers with viruses (they had no parental controls and gave him unsupervised access to a PC and a laptop and were then shocked when he didn’t abide by his promise to not go to porn sites). They were even more upset with my numerous told-ya-so’s. They never had him stay with them again, but they didn’t complain as loudly after that.

 

[EasterJoy]

One of the craziest things about our situation is that, by and large, our son didn’t complain about the chores. There were times, especially when my wife was pregnant with our youngest daughter and she wasn’t up to doing anything so she called on him a lot more than normal, but those times were the exception. They’d also sometimes hear his ongoing complaints that I never did anything (you know, other than working 50+ hours each week, paying the bills, doing the shopping, taking care of all the car maintenance, cooking half the meals, driving all the kids–including him on many, many occasions–wherever they needed to go, taking care of the babies at night, doing the gardening and doing half the chores during the day when he was at school and all this stuff would get done without him there, apparently by the friendly elves who live in our chimney), so they’d latch onto that as reality and then attack us out of the blue for relying on him to do everything.

We had him stay with one of the frequent sources of criticism for a week. I explained our rules and the reasons for them in advance. They scoffed at me and told me they’d treat him properly and with the respect he clearly didn’t get from us and they wouldn’t have any of those problems. By the end of the week they were up in arms and yelled at & blamed me for him eating them out of house and home, using all the hot water each and every morning and for infecting two of their computers with viruses (they had no parental controls and gave him unsupervised access to a PC and a laptop and were then shocked when he didn’t abide by his promise to not go to porn sites). They were even more upset with my numerous told-ya-so’s. They never had him stay with them again, but they didn’t complain as loudly after that.

They so deserved that. I’m surprised they complain any more at all.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

They so deserved that. I’m surprised they complain any more at all.

With some people, that’s like being surprised that fish need water. On more than one occasion we’ve had people call us right after they heard we’d suffered some sort of tragedy or misfortune to complain about and criticize every other aspect of our lives since they knew we’d be too emotionally drained or traumatized to argue.

 

[EasterJoy]

With some people, that’s like being surprised that fish need water. On more than one occasion we’ve had people call us right after they heard we’d suffered some sort of tragedy or misfortune to complain about and criticize every other aspect of our lives since they knew we’d be too emotionally drained or traumatized to argue.

How charming of them. Forgiveness means giving up the urge to wish them to have their gesture returned in kind, although hoping for a bit of schadenfreude is so much easier.

May they wake up by less painful means than that, but may they wake up!!

 

[pnewton]

I may not be alone, but I have had to actually tell a son to move out at 18 because of total disregard for house rules. The thing is, he is a good kid, but refused to restrict activity inappropriate for the two year old boy living under the same roof. In the end, everyone found more peace.

 

[Cat]

I agree with that. I don’t think parents should tell a kid okay by 21 I want you out of the house. That would make them feel unwanted/unloved and like the parent only took care of them for 18yrs because they had to etc. I say wait until the kid/young adult is ready.

The problem with this is that some parents and some children don’t have a realistic idea of what “readiness” is.

A few weeks ago, I happened to see a Dr. Phil episode featuring a young man (around 30) who still lived at home. His mother still POWDERED HIM after he finished taking a shower because he couldn’t reach certain areas of his body. And she made all his food for him because she didn’t think he would eat correctly if she didn’t cook it for him.

It was obvious during the interview that the mother was refusing to allow her son to grow up and be a man. She thought he still needed to be at home with her. (I realize that there are some deep psychological problems here, probably rooted in her own insecurity and family background.)

I grew up in a house where my dad was a “Mama’s boy” who had never really been allowed to “leave home.” I cannot begin to tell you how much damage this did to me and my brother, not to mention my mother, who had to put up with her husband constantly being gone to help his parents. (She had moved away from her childhood home, all the way to a different part of the country, when she was 18.)

When I was a teenager, she hammered into me the need to never become dependent on anyone, especially a man. This, along with the rampant feminism in the 1970s, resulted in my becoming a woman who is probably much more strong-minded than I should be. It affects my relationship with God and the Church, because I tend to think of God like my father–loving, fun, but never around, and that means I have to do things for myself. Definite personality flaws in me.

From the time of their childhood, we made it clear to our daughters that they would be expected to be out of the house by the time they were 21. We had seen plenty of adults lounging around their parents’ house accomplishing nothing other than watching TV, eating, and sleeping, and we wanted better for our girls. I actually drove them around the bad sections of our city and showed them what happens to girls who don’t study hard in school and select a career that will deliver an adequate income.

We did everything we could to help them achieve the goals of good schooling, college, and a viable career. We gave them the tools they needed to succeed and live independently.

We are very close to our daughters, and they continually sing our praises to us an dothers, and tell us that they plan to raise their children the same way they were raised.

 

[EasterJoy]

I may not be alone, but I have had to actually tell a son to move out at 18 because of total disregard for house rules. The thing is, he is a good kid, but refused to restrict activity inappropriate for the two year old boy living under the same roof. In the end, everyone found more peace.

It is not rare for this to be the best for all involved. It is not as if parents can’t support a grown child who has set up a household nearby…that is, can’t guide him about what needs to be done to take care of himself, if he wants that.

 

[maryjk]

The problem seems to be the absolutes.

It is as though you can only create a “Mama’s boy” or a totally independent person that never fully trusts anyone (including God.)

It doesn’t have to be either way.

The goal should be to raise loving, caring, capable adults. Those adults will either stay in the family home because that is the best place for them to be. Or they will move out, again, because that is the best place for them to be.

Yes, there will be outliers. Moms that don’t want their children to grow up. Children that don’t want to grow up. But, generally, those without mental issues (or physical issues), will grow up and *take their place in the family.
*
And that is really the goal.

 

[EasterJoy]

The problem seems to be the absolutes.

It is as though you can only create a “Mama’s boy” or a totally independent person that never fully trusts anyone (including God.)

It doesn’t have to be either way.

The goal should be to raise loving, caring, capable adults. Those adults will either stay in the family home because that is the best place for them to be. Or they will move out, again, because that is the best place for them to be.

Yes, there will be outliers. Moms that don’t want their children to grow up. Children that don’t want to grow up. But, generally, those without mental issues (or physical issues), will grow up and *take their place in the family.
*
And that is really the goal.

I have noticed that in a large family there will typically be some who stay longer and some who move out soon. When the grown child moves out isn’t necessarily related to how healthy the relationship with the rest of the family is, but it is important that the same rules apply to everyone. If the oldest moves out because the house rules didn’t allow for what he felt his independence required, that is fine. He is going to feel put out later, however, if his younger brother gets to live at home rent-free some years down the line with relaxed rules. Set the rules for the oldest, and keep them in place for everyone.

That doesn’t mean an 20 year old still at home has to have the same rules as his 28-year-old sibling who moves back in out of financial necessity. Just as during their entire childhood, the rules can justly become less binding as a family member ages or shows himself or herself worthy of greater trust. I only mean that de facto favoritism does need to be avoided.

 

[maryjk]

I have noticed that in a large family there will typically be some who stay longer and some who move out soon. When the grown child moves out isn’t necessarily related to how healthy the relationship with the rest of the family is, but it is important that the same rules apply to everyone. If the oldest moves out because the house rules didn’t allow for what he felt his independence required, that is fine. He is going to feel put out later, however, if his younger brother gets to live at home rent-free some years down the line with relaxed rules. Set the rules for the oldest, and keep them in place for everyone.

I agree.

I know a family that has four children. The oldest three moved out within a couple of months of graduating from high school. It wasn’t their choice.

But the youngest is almost 20 and is still living at home. With no plans of moving out anytime soon. He is the baby and has been babied most of his life.

And yes, there is some animosity because of it.

 

[Filii_Dei]

This is an interesting discussion. I’ve often read about how attitudes to the family vary significantly between Western and Asian cultures, but I’ve not had the opportunity to observe it being directly articulated in conversation. I am particularly fascinated by the cultural expectations and purpose of the family unit. However, I have little time to spare to contribute to the discussion at present so I’ll simply observe for now.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree.

I know a family that has four children. The oldest three moved out within a couple of months of graduating from high school. It wasn’t their choice.

But the youngest is almost 20 and is still living at home. With no plans of moving out anytime soon. He is the baby and has been babied most of his life.

And yes, there is some animosity because of it.

I suspect that these parents realized too late that a couple eventually misses having their children around, as the nest emptied.

It is also possible that they somehow got it in their head as the children grew that the youngest is not just younger and less capable than the others temporarily, due to being younger, but that the youngest is constitutionally incompetent. That sounds like your “the youngest was always babied” case. The youngest can be less-mature because of being babied, but someone in that position can gain competence very quickly, if required to do it. (This also happens to older children when they needed extra allowances for isolated reasons or for a short-term health scare. The health improves, but the “scare” somehow never recedes in the parents. They treat the once-fragile child as if she is still made of china.)

The third possibility is that the youngest was the child the parents “allowed themselves to enjoy”. As the child gets older, parents come to know how much money they’re going to have, the end is in sight with regards to feeding everyone, the time strain of taking care of everyone starts to finally ebb, and the parents loosen up. You see that a lot, too, much to the chagrin of the older siblings!