Should We Ask My In-Laws to Pay For This?

[pensmama87]

If we were to ask them, we would avoid any mention of their having responsibility.

My question is merely if it’s OK to ask given the situation. I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone for money in my whole life. I certainly don’t plan on making a habit of it.

 

[maryjk]

Here is, I think, part of the problem. The door has been broken for almost a year.

Anyone using the minivan, relative or not, could have finished it off.

Would you really ask a friend, who was getting out of the van, and tried to pull the door open, to pay for the repair? And if so, wow. I better be very careful riding in anyone’s car because I can’t afford to fix whatever happens to be broken on my friend’s cars.

Or are you only thinking about asking because it is a relative?

 

[Convert_in_99]

Also, I suppose there was some dialogue after he saw that he broke the door. THAT would have been the time to ask, not now. Did he apologize and offer to fix it? If he did and you said something like “don’t worry it’s no big deal” then it would be kind of improper or rude even to turn around and say, “well actually it WAS a big deal to us…”

 

[Burt_Macklin]

If we were to ask them, we would avoid any mention of their having responsibility.

My question is merely if it’s OK to ask given the situation. I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone for money in my whole life. I certainly don’t plan on making a habit of it.

Of course you can ask them for money. That is entirely up to you. I would only do it after I exhausted every other option but I don’t know how your relationship is with your in laws.

Do you have a credit card that you can use for emergencies? It might not hurt to get one and then make a plan to earn some extra cash over the next few months.

 

[Xantippe]

True. To give myself and baby some time, I am waiting until the spring even though it is financial hardship for us to do that. Then he’ll have more of his vaccines, we’ll be past flu season, and I will be getting enough sleep (hopefully) to handle the extra kids.

I do require all the kids I watch to be up-to-date on vaccinations.

The Christmas idea is actually a good one. My in-laws have been asking us what we want and I always feel bad asking for practical things but really, anything that makes my life easier is awesome. Considering I’m putting three kids in the car at least ten times a week (preschool + church, arrival and departure), having that door work would be a huuuuuuuuuuge convenience.

That sounds very sensible.

The trick is if your husband can manage this–the timing, tone, etc. If he has a good relationship with his parents, it might work. Also, it might be worthwhile talking to mom rather than dad, so that mom can sell the idea to dad. In a lot of families, things go more smoothly that way!

I also think that the DIY approach is worth a try, as long as the parts involved are relatively inexpensive (in your shoes, I wouldn’t lay out more than $100 in parts). We also have a new-to-us minivan and I believe my husband has tinkered with one of the doors.

 

[Convert_in_99]

If we were to ask them, we would avoid any mention of their having responsibility.

My question is merely if it’s OK to ask given the situation. I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone for money in my whole life. I certainly don’t plan on making a habit of it.

I wouldn’t make any reference to him breaking it.

If they ask “hey sweetie, what would you like for Christmas this year” then maybe ask for it as a couple gift. Then you aren’t relating it to the incident, just coming up with a very practical Christmas gift!

 

[pensmama87]

Also, I suppose there was some dialogue after he saw that he broke the door. THAT would have been the time to ask, not now. Did he apologize and offer to fix it? If he did and you said something like “don’t worry it’s no big deal” then it would be kind of improper or rude even to turn around and say, “well actually it WAS a big deal to us…”

He said “sorry,” but it was late and we were trying to leave to get the kids to bed. Nothing was said about any repair at the time, and hasn’t been said since.

That was really what my question was about - the door was broken (by DH), but operable, then my FIL’s action made the door inoperable. I’m not trying to be a selfish freeloader. I just don’t know the etiquette for these types of situations. Apparently it’s a “no,” because it was already broken. Fine.

I guess the question is answered, then.

So let’s ask a new one: if someone (let’s say anyone besides my in-laws, though it is my in-laws) is asking what you want for Christmas, are you allowed to ask for cash to put toward a financial need you have?

 

[Convert_in_99]

He said “sorry,” but it was late and we were trying to leave to get the kids to bed. Nothing was said about any repair at the time, and hasn’t been said since.

That was really what my question was about - the door was broken (by DH), but operable, then my FIL’s action made the door inoperable. I’m not trying to be a selfish freeloader. I just don’t know the etiquette for these types of situations. Apparently it’s a “no,” because it was already broken. Fine.

I guess the question is answered, then.

Yeah. The answer stinks though doesn’t it?

So let’s ask a new one: if someone (let’s say anyone besides my in-laws, though it is my in-laws) is asking what you want for Christmas, are you allowed to ask for cash to put toward a financial need you have?

Sure it’s fine! Most hard working people used to only ask for/were given practical gifts. I’m always asking for practicals such as clothes, towels, sheets, vacuums, etc. stuff that we really can’t afford, but need super badly.

 

[bitterhope]

Of course you can ask them for money. That is entirely up to you. I would only do it after I exhausted every other option but I don’t know how your relationship is with your in laws.

Do you have a credit card that you can use for emergencies? It might not hurt to get one and then make a plan to earn some extra cash over the next few months.

Yes. Is not a bad option if you are able to get a card for emergencies. It doesn’t mean you will ever need to use it but there may very well be a time it becomes necessary.

Many people live frugally or are low income. We still find ways to avoid using credit for daily expenses and still find solutions to most everything without resorting to borrowing either from others or credit cards. I’m not concerned you would make it a habit, I’m concerned you might have a hard time asking for this particular repair without making it look like you blame him. Especially with the way your opening post was worded. Let it go and either deal with the inconvenience or find another way to get it repaired.

 

[Xantippe]

Here is, I think, part of the problem. The door has been broken for almost a year.

Anyone using the minivan, relative or not, could have finished it off.

Would you really ask a friend, who was getting out of the van, and tried to pull the door open, to pay for the repair? And if so, wow. I better be very careful riding in anyone’s car because I can’t afford to fix whatever happens to be broken on my friend’s cars.

Or are you only thinking about asking because it is a relative?

Grandma and grandpa are grandma and grandpa, not just random people off the street, or random relatives.

It is reasonable to expect that they love their son, DIL and grandkids and want to spare them unnecessary hardship.

If they don’t have the money to help and/or don’t love their son, DIL and grandkids, that is a totally different kettle of fish.

My advice here is just an application of the golden rule–do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If my son and DIL were in need (and especially if it were at least partly because of something I had done) and I had the wherewithal to help them, I would want to know about their situation. I know for a fact that my in-laws would be very anxious to help in the same situation and I know that my grandma would feel the same way.

 

[KnitNut]

So let’s ask a new one: if someone (let’s say anyone besides my in-laws, though it is my in-laws) is asking what you want for Christmas, are you allowed to ask for cash to put toward a financial need you have?

Well, in the first instance, I think I’d mention the specific need. Like, “Well, we’re saving like mad to fix a broken door on our car.” Because you never know, they may actually know how to fix it, or have access to the parts needed. Life is weird that way. If you suggest a couple specific needs, there may be options they have for you beyond just a cash donation.

Otherwise, I’d go with the, “I really appreciate you asking. We’re working so hard on getting on top of our bills that we aren’t really thinking about gifts this year.” Also have prepared a list of gifts to suggest, if it seems more appropriate - gift cert to the grocery store, a month of preschool tuition, a tuneup for the car, a side of pork, etc…I’m sure people want to be helpful, but if they have no baseline understanding of your needs, it’s harder for them. And people like to give a “gift” sometimes, rather than cash. So be proactive!

 

[EasterJoy]

If you had explained in advance that the door needed special handling because it was hanging on by a thread and you were blatantly ignored, then maybe, but I’m not sure you even let them pay for it if they offered. You are the ones who broke it, so it is not right to ask them to pay to have it fixed. That is not to say you can’t ask to borrow the money to have it fixed, though.

 

[AKDee]

My opinion is no, it is not appropriate to ask them to pay for the repairs. They didn’t break it, your husband broke it. You guys opted not to repair it, and then your F-I-L did it in totally but that would not have happened if your husband hadn’t broken it in the first place. Additionally, something like this could cause a rift in the family relationship, and that’s simply not worth it. Fix it at your own expense and move on.

 

[AttendeDomine]

At first I figured no big deal, but then our third child was born and it’s like Tetris trying to get all the kids in and buckled using only one side door. Add to that I threw out my back on Monday so now loading and unloading the children is a quite literally painful endeavor.

Your in-law was, in some way, a cause of at least a small part of the damage. (I don’t agree with the argument that, if something is partially broken, then whoever breaks it all the way is not in any way responsible since the object was not in perfect condition. That just sounds like bad philosophy.) In justice, I think they should give you some money equal to the actual damage they caused, if this can even be quantified. Whether or not this amounts to anything significant I cannot say, and neither can I say whether or not asking them to pay would actually be prudent.

But whatever the case, subsequent difficulties with a third child (congratulations!!!) or with back pain (I will pray for you) have little to do with whether or not your in-law has some sort of responsibility for somewhat damaging your property.

If I broke your door, I would pay as much as I could. If my door were broken, I would look in the other direction. That seems the Catholic thing to do, no?

But forcing a family member to consider whether or not they are responsible for something like this might do more damage than the good you would receive from repairing your door.

 

[Xantippe]

So let’s ask a new one: if someone (let’s say anyone besides my in-laws, though it is my in-laws) is asking what you want for Christmas, are you allowed to ask for cash to put toward a financial need you have?

It depends on family culture.

In our family, my parents and grandparents usually send us checks for Christmas and birthdays. I try to come up with a report for them of what each check has purchased or is going to purchase when thanking them. My in-laws now almost always ask what to get us for Christmas (this is a fantastic development, because I used to get a lot of ill-fitting garments from stores that don’t exist in our area). So, in the past, when MIL asks about gifts, I’ve asked her for stuff like a swim course for the kids or a contribution toward therapeutic riding for our older daughter.

I actually have to be very careful with my blog and talking to my in-laws, because I can’t really safely mention any need without them practically killing themselves to make it happen. My grandma has always been the same way, too.

 

[pensmama87]

It depends on family culture.

In our family, my parents and grandparents usually send us checks for Christmas and birthdays. I try to come up with a report for them of what each check has purchased or is going to purchase when thanking them. My in-laws now almost always ask what to get us for Christmas (this is a fantastic development, because I used to get a lot of ill-fitting garments from stores that don’t exist in our area). So, in the past, when MIL asks about gifts, I’ve asked her for stuff like a swim course for the kids or a contribution toward therapeutic riding for our older daughter.

I actually have to be very careful with my blog and talking to my in-laws, because I can’t really safely mention any need without them practically killing themselves to make it happen. My grandma has always been the same way, too.

That’s pretty much how it is with my in-laws. They are very generous, especially with our kids, but it’s to the point that I feel guilty asking for anything even when they’re asking particularly what we want.

My family just sends checks (I think that’s a feature of living far away from most relatives - card and check is much cheaper to send across the country than a package.)

 

[newf]

Grandma and grandpa are grandma and grandpa, not just random people off the street, or random relatives.

It is reasonable to expect that they love their son, DIL and grandkids and want to spare them unnecessary hardship.

If they don’t have the money to help and/or don’t love their son, DIL and grandkids, that is a totally different kettle of fish.

My advice here is just an application of the golden rule–do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If my son and DIL were in need (and especially if it were at least partly because of something I had done) and I had the wherewithal to help them, I would want to know about their situation. I know for a fact that my in-laws would be very anxious to help in the same situation and I know that my grandma would feel the same way.

As a grandma, if I got in my daughter’s van and further broke her door that was already broken and then was blamed and asked to pay for it…I’d be furious. Seriously this would be bad. First of all, whether or not I have the money is not her business. Secondly, if I was in her van I was probably helping her in some way. And many times I pick up the tab when we go to Target or whatever. It’s not like I’m not generous. But I do smell a sense of entitlement here.

And the golden rule is different for each situation. If she asked me for a loan so they could fix the door, I’d be fine with that. I might even just pay for it as a gift. But saying I broke it and asking me to pay makes for a very unpleasant Thanksgiving dinner.

Also, the OP lives a lifestyle that she has chosen. And that is to be frugal and pay off debt and stay home with her children, which I very much respect. It’s just that when you live this close to the financial edge, you need to know it’s not up to other people to bail you out. You make do with what you have until you get more or you make some changes.

Lastly, I do think to have a ‘fix the door fund’ for Christmas is a great idea. That way if the in-laws want to contribute or not is fine. No one has hurt feelings.

 

[AKDee]

So let’s ask a new one: if someone (let’s say anyone besides my in-laws, though it is my in-laws) is asking what you want for Christmas, are you allowed to ask for cash to put toward a financial need you have?

Yes. Especially if you tell them that it’s because you have a real need, such as a necessary repair.

 

[Jeanne_S]

Maybe you could ask them to contribute, but not in a you-broke-it-you-bought-it fashion; just something like, “Money is extra tight, and we’re finding it hard to deal with this unexpected expense; would you be able to help?”

Perfect! My opinion is,since they didn’t offer to help initially,they aren’t inclined to do so.However,this is a good way to reach out for help from them without the request seeming accusatory.

 

[nodito]

Yes. Especially if you tell them that it’s because you have a real need, such as a necessary repair.

Yes, and I’d probably couch it in terms of “car repairs” or “household repairs” rather than “broken car door repairs” which might make them feel guilty or responsible.