Lil_Cat?
Hi, I just wanted to respond to you a little bit.
I’m a practicing Catholic now, but I didn’t use to be.
From the posts your husband wrote I want to give you some (((((((hugs)))))), it must really hurt to have your husband write those things about you.
Now I don’t doubt that both of you have probably said and maybe done a few things to each other that haven’t been the most up-lifting and/or kindest way to treat someone. But it especially hurts to read negative descriptions about yourself. And of course you want your side of the story to be heard.
I also want you to know that whatever my next advice is about, that I’m not trying to slyly convert you. Infact, my fiance and I have an agreement that he will not convert to Catholicism unless he completely assents to Catholic theology…otherwise that would just be hypocrisy to God in our eyes (talked to the priest about it and everything
). So that might help you see where I’m coming from.
This next part is for the both of you. Remember, I’ve taken the time and effort to put some real thought into my post. Please strongly consider what I write. I do hope you show this to each other.
As a newly married couple there are alot of new dynamics coming into play with you guys. What was normal to you before is now completely different and it’s not easy if you feel abandoned by the other person. In reaction to that abandonment you both get frustrated and probably very scared because you’ve just committed to life with this other person and you can’t help but imagine the worst of how these situations are going to end up.
Now, I know both of you feel like a lot of injustices have been aimed at you and you feel like you can’t move forward until they are acknowledged. But you aren’t really able to move forward until you look at yourselves first and dump it all out. So I suggest that both of you go to your separate corners
and write all the things you regret doing/saying or what you should regret doing/saying. But DON’T make it into passive-aggressive little jabs at each other. You two are smart and know not to do this even though it’s really tempting! For example if your spouse said something snidely to you, and you reacted by using the silent treatment. Then just regret your own actions in how the situation was handled. Detail your own unChristian reaction.
Then sincerely apologize for your actions.
Make sure your repentence isn’t contingent on the other person. Repentence doesn’t work that way.
You can work on the other stuff later on, but for right now both of you need to humble yourself before God and each other to the point where it will probably hurt some feelings of justifications.
Then take a day or two to think about it (what you wrote and what your spouse wrote) let it marinate. And be sure to show each other how you appreciate the concessions the other person has made (please don’t automatically jump on the things they missed).
Next, go back to your corners and write out a simple plan of what you hope and expect for the other person to follow as boundaries.
Now be
compassionate!!! Remember you’re dealing with a sinner who sins as much as you do.
Don’t try to put your spouse over the barrel with expectations.
I know I would
love to write a contract that my fiance would have to put the toilet seat down after each visit to the restroom or I get to smack him with a rolled up newspaper
but
sigh things like that should be overlooked in situations like this.
You can’t get the other person to love your faith or convictions but you can ask for them to respect them.
If you feel like your contributions to the marriage and to each other’s faith hasn’t been recognized then request acknowledgement but don’t require that it be overflowing right now.
If you feel like there is only criticism from the other person. Then ask him/her to shelve those criticisms aside for right now if they are regarding your faith. Let him/her seek those answers independantly.
If you feel like your spouse takes everything you say out of context or suspects bad intent where there is none, then ask for ‘assumption of kindness’.
If you feel like your spouse talks disrepectfully towards you, then ask for them to rethink the way they speak and to speak in a way that still shows their love even though they might disagree with you.
Keep your expectation list short. And agree with each other to abide by them.
When you get steaming mad at each other, pause, take a step back. Go pray about it and then come back and talk it out.
If you are the object of a disagreement, and you feel really defensive, pause, take a breath and agree that you need to talk it out while really listening to the other person.
I don’t know the specific dynamics of your situation.
All I DO know is that, unless both of you are wanting to admit your own faults, wanting to treat each other with respect, and willing to face your problems with the object of working through them together, then things won’t turn out very well.
I mean think about it. Has talking disrepectfully to each other and about each other helped either one of you? Has holding on to hurts and grudges gotten you any farther than you are right now? Has making demands [or passive-aggressive ‘requests’]and possibly doing some adult pouting if they aren’t met really make things better?
Do you think the way you two have gone about things in the past are the building blocks to a solid marriage?
Please don’t get defensive, I’m not trying to poke you. Just trying to help
)