Should we have another child?

[mkipp]

My wife and I have been having “The Talk” lately. Should we have another child? We have a soon to be 5 year old daughter who is fantastic. My wife really thinks that my daughter needs a sibling. I am totally on the fence. My daughter when asked wants nothing to do with a sibling at all. I just worry about the financial part, how could I love another child, stress etc.
God Bless
Matthew

 

[Christy_Beth]

Your daughter saying she doesn’t want a sibling isn’t the best way to decide. She’s used to being the only child, and who wants to share parents with someone else? As far as expenses go, are you in a comfortable place right now? If you have no major expenses, then that isn’t a problem. Yes, there may be more stress, but a second child, once everything has settled down, can be a blessing. By that I mean, once everyone has adjusted to the new baby. Your daughter may throw temper tantrums for awhile due to loss of attention. But she can be taught that this attention isn’t totally lost, only shared. And love can be increased to fit another family member. Remember having your daughter? Before that, did you wonder about how you could love a child? Before that it was just you and your wife. You had her whole attention. Then this little interloper arrived and took some of that attention away. But it wasn’t lost, was it? You got to share in caring for her and learned to love her as she should be loved. Adding another child just means adding more love.

 

[UnCatholicBride]

This is not a decision your daughter should be making for you. I was raised as an only and perfectly content that way- and my parents were perfectly content as well.

Pray about it.

 

[Allegra]

It is a great gift for a child to have a sibling, especially as they get older. Your daughter, at five, has no ability to predict what’s going to happen tommorow afternoon, much less how she’s going to feel about a brother or sister when they’re in their 20’s, 30’s, 60’s etc. If you can swing it financially, I would try to make it happen. As far as how can you love another child, that’s a really weird question. You love another child the same way you love the first one.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree with not asking your daughter. In fact, I would never have asked my kids " so what would you think of having a little brother or sister?" They are too young to grasp what it really means, and they will most likely end up loving a sibling, even if it takes a bit of time.

As far as worrying about money, if you have a good steady job, you should be okay. There are people out there with way more kids and small incomes that are happy. Read Dave Ramsey’s books or other financial books for tips.

I vote yes! You are an intelligent, hardworking, faithful husband and father. You will be able to add another child to your life with no problem. You will love a new child as instantly and deeply as you loved your daughter! May God bless you and guide you.

 

[pensmama87]

I agree with the posters who say that your concerns can be taken care of, but I won’t go so far as to say that you should deliberately try to have a child, especially if you are on the fence.

You may have already considered this, but you could simply stop trying to avoid or trying to conceive, and let what happens, happens. Children are just as loved even if they are not specifically planned, and this would give you the peace of not trying to be in control (I don’t know about you, but I find that really stresses me out. )

 

[fencersmother]

I will admit that this particular line of thought shocks me.

If you are married, have no grave reason not to have more children - why not?

to pensmama87… just quit trying not to have one, and see what God gives you. Especially if your wife has been on the pill, it may not be so simple any more.

 

[mkipp]

We have not been having any intimate relations for over 6 months, because we did not make to have another child if we were not ready. Which is tough at 35 years old. We are not using birth control. My wife said that the decision is up to me, as she wants one.

 

[St_Francis]

It is hard as a new Catholic to learn this, but…

Why are you asking us! You should be asking God!

When our second baby was on his way, I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved the first. I worried that I would be “splitting” the love I had for her in two. Bit that’s not how it works! Instead, you have more love, so each child still gets the same amount God is really great that way.

 

[barts61]

My wife and I have been having “The Talk” lately. Should we have another child? We have a soon to be 5 year old daughter who is fantastic. My wife really thinks that my daughter needs a sibling. I am totally on the fence. My daughter when asked wants nothing to do with a sibling at all. I just worry about the financial part, how could I love another child, stress etc.
God Bless
Matthew

"I just worry about the financial part"

I’m glad you brought this up. I know that God will take care of you and your family, but what is also important is if you can take on more responsiblity, If you have to work multiple jobs to support another mouth, you won’t be home much and therefore, not being there for your family.

Many couples (catholic & noncatholic) rely on government assistance or make a few bucks more than allowed so they have no other financial support, but based on the church’s beliefs of procreation (no birth control) keep having children.

I would look thouroughly at the finances, what it would take to raise another child and prayfully ask God for guidance. It should be up to God and you and your wife, not the church.

 

[pianistclare]

We have not been having any intimate relations for over 6 months, because we did not make to have another child if we were not ready. Which is tough at 35 years old. We are not using birth control. My wife said that the decision is up to me, as she wants one.

Make an appointment with your priest, to talk about what it means to follow the will of God. I don’t think not having relations for 6 months is doing anything positive for your marital relationship and may indeed be contributing to your view of “love” and what it means to freely give love and grow in love.
People with many children love them all. No problems. But it sounds like your feelings are interfering with everything, not just with the fact that a little girl can’t fathom sharing her parents. The benefits form having a sibling are obvious, especially in our culture.
Meet with the priest and pray about this,
God bless,
pianist

 

[Xantippe]

"I just worry about the financial part"

I’m glad you brought this up. I know that God will take care of you and your family, but what is also important is if you can take on more responsiblity, If you have to work multiple jobs to support another mouth, you won’t be home much and therefore, not being there for your family.

Many couples (catholic & noncatholic) rely on government assistance or make a few bucks more than allowed so they have no other financial support, but based on the church’s beliefs of procreation (no birth control) keep having children.

I would look thouroughly at the finances, what it would take to raise another child and prayfully ask God for guidance. It should be up to God and you and your wife, not the church.

The OP and his wife have one (1.00 children) and the OP’s wife wants another baby. Also, at least one of them is 35.

This couple is not in any danger of re-enacting the “Every Sperm is Sacred” scene from Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life.”

 

[Xantippe]

My wife and I have been having “The Talk” lately. Should we have another child? We have a soon to be 5 year old daughter who is fantastic. My wife really thinks that my daughter needs a sibling. I am totally on the fence. My daughter when asked wants nothing to do with a sibling at all. I just worry about the financial part, how could I love another child, stress etc.
God Bless
Matthew

I don’t think your daughter gets a vote in this–you seem to be weighing her opinion equally with yours and your wife’s.

I’d say the same thing if DD wanted a younger sibling–it’s not her call. Nobody should even be asking her. (For one thing, what if you have a little boy and she wanted a baby sister?)

Half a year of abstinence is a very big deal.

On the one hand, with such a big spacing, any future child or children won’t be much of a playmate to your daughter (as they might have been with just a 2 or 3 year spacing). On the other hand, your DD is getting to be quite a big girl, so it should be relatively easy to manage a 6-year-old and a newborn compared to a 2-year-old or a 3-year-old and a newborn. For one thing, on long car trips, there will be an entertaining big child in the back seat, available to stick in a pacifier or rattle toys, while you and mom engage in grownup conversation. (I have an 11-year-old, a 9-year-old, and a 1-year-old (with a 7.5 year spacing between the two youngest), and the big kids are lots of help, especially with entertainment for the 1-year-old. My big kids have thanked me many times for their baby sister and my 11-year-old wants to do lots of stuff with her, despite never having been much for dolls.)

Also, as a parent of one, you may not have noticed this, but part of the stress you feel is from the need to provide all of your daughter’s social life at home. Add a sibling, and you have automatic home entertainment. More mess and more mouths to feed, but more entertainment.

I’d also have a talk with your wife’s OB/GYN. As various risks (to both mother and baby) increase with age, there’s no time like the present.

Best wishes!

 

[mkipp]

My daughter will be 5 next week. So if we start trying for baby #2 now there will at least be a 5 year age gap. Is that age gap to far to make them close?

 

[pianistclare]

My daughter will be 5 next week. So if we start trying for baby #2 now there will at least be a 5 year age gap. Is that age gap to far to make them close?

It doesn’t have to be. Granted, one will be in high school and dating and one will just be getting accustomed to puberty later one…so there are obvious differences of interests and levels of maturity.
But it’s one of those things that families have to work at. Even siblings that are only 1-2 years apart don’t necessarily have a lock on close relationships. This is not something that just happens. People develop well when they come from a loving family. One of my sisters is 20 years older than me. But my family drove to California every summer to visit her. Calls from her caused everyone in the house to RUN to the telephone and fight over who got to talk to her first. My parents taught me that she was a big deal, and my beloved, really beloved, big sister; not some stranger that I only saw occasionally.
If you would like another child, have another child. Don’t over think it too much. If you have love in your home, all will be well.

 

[Irishmom2]

My daughter will be 5 next week. So if we start trying for baby #2 now there will at least be a 5 year age gap. Is that age gap to far to make them close?

Nope. My son and daughter are 7 years apart. My daughter loved having a little brother and they are best friends. She is 24. She is less close with her older brother who is 2 years older than her. It has nothing to do with age. Your daughter will be fine.

Stop overthinking this and trust God, mkipp!

 

[pensmama87]

Nope. My son and daughter are 7 years apart. My daughter loved having a little brother and they are best friends. She is 24. She is less close with her older brother who is 2 years older than her. It has nothing to do with age. Your daughter will be fine.

Stop overthinking this and trust God, mkipp!

I agree with this.

One nice thing about a larger age gap here is that your daughter would probably be very excited about helping you with a baby, and could actually be helpful (unlike the 2 or 3 year old where the novelty wears out pretty quick. )

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree with this.

One nice thing about a larger age gap here is that your daughter would probably be very excited about helping you with a baby, and could actually be helpful (unlike the 2 or 3 year old where the novelty wears out pretty quick. )

Oh yes, that us true! DD, you please go upstairs and get me a diaper?

My daughter loved to entertain her brother in the car, she would play peek-a-boo endlessly if her brother wanted her to. She would keep an eye on him while I closed my eyes for a bit, or had to run to the bathroom. She loved to pick out his clothes, as a matter of fact, she still does! And he trusts her judgment more than his old mom’s about what to wear, lol!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My wife and I have been having “The Talk” lately. Should we have another child? We have a soon to be 5 year old daughter who is fantastic. My wife really thinks that my daughter needs a sibling. I am totally on the fence. My daughter when asked wants nothing to do with a sibling at all. I just worry about the financial part, how could I love another child, stress etc.
God Bless
Matthew

Why are you inviting CAF members into your marriage bed? When you have sexual relations that are open to the creation of life, strangers on the internet would be the last place I would look.

 

[Irishmom2]

Why are you inviting CAF members into your marriage bed? When you have sexual relations that are open to the creation of life, strangers on the internet would be the last place I would look.

Come on now. You know that isn’t what he was doing.