Should women change their maiden names?

[IrishAm]

Mrs John Smith is still the proper way to address a letter to John Smith’s wife.

Absolutely. And the proper way to address a letter to his widow as well.

EXCEPT, if she has indeed kept her maiden name both socially and professionally, then they are Mr. John Smith and Ms. Susan Jones.

(And, just to really confuse things, if Susan Jones becomes Mrs. John Smith and then they are divorced, she is correctly – although almost never in the real world except on wedding invitations for mothers of the brides – Mrs. Jones Smith!!! Did you know that?? ) (Unless, that is, she took back her maiden name after the divorce . . . )

 

[sanctamaria17]

Um… yes. I don’t know, I’m pretty traditional so I think women should but a lot of women say doing so goes against women/feminism. Sorry, but being anti-men is not true feminism. I guess a better question might be why shouldn’t** women change their maiden names?

I don’t think keeping your name means you hate men. If the man doesn’t have to change his name when he gets married, why does the woman have to automatically change hers, unless she wants to? If she doesn’t want to, that doesn’t mean she hates men, disrespects her hubby, or that she doesn’t want a united family. It’s HER name.

 

[Salonika]

sanctamaria17:

I don’t think keeping your name means you hate men. If the man doesn’t have to change his name when he gets married, why does the woman have to automatically change hers, unless she wants to? If she doesn’t want to, that doesn’t mean she hates men, disrespects her hubby, or that she doesn’t want a united family. It’s HER name.

Sanctamaria - congratulations on such a succinct summary - it describes my view also.

Which is why, even if some etiquette books still say a letter to Mrs Susan Jones married to John Smith should be formally addressed to Mrs John Smith, I would never do so. For me my first name is even more personal than a surname. Take it away and I would feel a large part of my identity had been taken away.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Etiquette should be based on respect, not rules. I would want to be “Ms. (firstname) (last name)”, not Mrs. John Smith. My husband and I would be one, but that doesn’t mean he defines me or my identity, nor I him. I do not hate men, I just don’t let them or society define me. Only God defines me.

 

[Salonika]

sanctamaria17:

Etiquette should be based on respect, not rules.

Exactly and that’s why etiquette changes.

An example of this has been the move to refer to everyone by their first name. After it became known that this upset some senior citizens who did not appreciate this especially when the person dealing with/helping them was the age of their grandchildren. After a while this was changed and older people were asked how they wanted to be called.

 

[sturdy]

I think I’m pretty traditional, but I still think it’s a personal choice.

A good friend of mine - a devout Catholic - goes by her maiden name, both for personal and business use, no one bats an eyelash. Her kids have her maiden name as their middle name and use her husband’s last name. (Well, now you know more about me and possibly where I live, lol. I’d better be super nice to everyone here, then - even the atheist posters!)

I got married almost 20 years ago. My family and my DHs families are very chauvinistic, which drives me insane (no flaming please) and if I had kept my maiden name, I would’ve gotten endless grief from both sides. It wasn’t worth it.

My maiden name was a really ugly one that didn’t go well with my first name. It was very difficult to spell and pronounce. I couldn’t wait to change my name because it just brought back such sad memories of being teased in school about it, and sad memories overall. Our family life was very sad, and the relatives don’t really get along. If I had liked my maiden name, and my family was more progressive, I might have considered keeping it.

My mother was very sad because the family name didn’t live on. The granddaughters all took their husband’s names, and the grandsons never married.

The irony is that I always identify myself as “First name, DH’s last name” but almost everyone refers to me as “First name, maiden name”. So I’ll never lose it. My married name doesn’t go well with my first name, either, but at least it’s easier to pronounce and spell.

 

[OLHope]

I don’t think keeping your name means you hate men. If the man doesn’t have to change his name when he gets married, why does the woman have to automatically change hers, unless she wants to? If she doesn’t want to, that doesn’t mean she hates men, disrespects her hubby, or that she doesn’t want a united family. It’s HER name.

Yes I think in this case and the case of the woman who has the Polish married last name it would be to carry on the generations of name into its existence with further generations. Not to have their family bloodline just simply die out. Yet a catholic argument here would typically be then it is god’s will. In other European VERY Catholic areas, a married woman KEEPS her maiden name…still…to this day! However, the legacies retain the father’s name.

It is not by Catholic law that you must change your name, it is by your choice in this particular country. Again, keep focus. As you have heard people like last names like they like choosing names for their kids. What is pleasant sounding is just subjective. It is interesting how American Catholic influence heavily suggests a woman should, when the areas around Rome do not. Weird!

 

[happymommy]

Yes I think in this case and the case of the woman who has the Polish married last name it would be to carry on the generations of name into its existence with further generations. Not to have their family bloodline just simply die out. Yet a catholic argument here would typically be then it is god’s will. In other European VERY Catholic areas, a married woman KEEPS her maiden name…still…to this day! However, the legacies retain the father’s name.

It is not by Catholic law that you must change your name, it is by your choice in this particular country. Again, keep focus. As you have heard people like last names like they like choosing names for their kids. What is pleasant sounding is just subjective. It is interesting how American Catholic influence heavily suggests a woman should, when the areas around Rome do not. Weird!

I understand it would be to carry on that name, I just don’t agree with a women giving her son her maiden name to carry it on. One kid with a different last name, which shouldn’t be his, really doesn’t make any sense to me. I see no point in it. My father’s last name will not be carried on from him because neither of my brother’s wanted children. He’s okay with that. He had 4 daughters, all who had children and never asked any of us to give our children his last name to carry it on.

 

[ac_claire]

It’s traditional, so I think women should take their husband’s last name. Think about it, when you’re married you become one flesh. You have started a new family, and you all need to have the same last name. That’s the way it is with families. So, if you have to pick one, it makes more sense to take the husband’s because it’s traditionally the way it’s always been done. (When I say “traditional” remember the culture I’m talking about here on Catholic Answers is the Catholic culture).

St. Paul says “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” One flesh = one family = one name.

Another thing to think of is what Ruth said to Naomi, in a similar vein, about the unity and mutual submission of families, "your people are my people and your God my God."

 

[Salonika]

ac claire:

One flesh = one family = one name.

Does that mean that a couple who uses different surnames is not a “real” family?

Also in cases of remarriage does this mean than any children of the wife’s previous marriage(s) have to take her new husband’s surname or they are not a “real” family?

For me a “real” family is one that cares for each other, that encourages the physical, pschological and spiritual development of its all members. It’s surname(s) are immaterial.

Another thing to think of is what Ruth said to Naomi, in a similar vein, about the unity and mutual submission of families, "your people are my people and your God my God."

Wouldn’t using the wife’s maiden surname also meet the criteria of mutual submission? And a hyphenated surname even more so?

 

[Alix1912]

I took my husbands name when we got married, but kept my maiden name as a second middle name. I manage a couple properties for a friend who is out of the country and all the paperwork for that is in my maiden name so my Drivers License shows all the names.

My mom hyphenated her name when she married my stepdad because she worked for the family company. It cause many headaches for her and my sister dealing with paperwork and such. Also my having a different name than hers cause a lot of issues. We got hassled in customs because we were traveling together and my name was different. The customs offical actually told my mom I couldn’t be her daughter as our names were different. What made it even funnier was that I was not a kids, I was 24…for all the customs guy knew I could have been married.

I’m a big believer in taking a single family name for ease and convience, and to show you are onhe family. However, to each his own, and do what works for your family.

 

[ac_claire]

Does that mean that a couple who uses different surnames is not a “real” family?

Also in cases of remarriage does this mean than any children of the wife’s previous marriage(s) have to take her new husband’s surname or they are not a “real” family?

No, it doesn’t mean anything as to what’s a real family or not. To answer the OP, I just think it’s best if the wife changes her maiden name and takes her husband’s name. When she can. I’m sure we can think up special situations that are the exception to the rule, but the main point remains the same. It does strengthen the sign of the married couple’s bond, and it’s traditional.

Wouldn’t using the wife’s maiden surname also meet the criteria of mutual submission? And a hyphenated surname even more so?

In my opinion, no. Hyphenation just makes up a new totally different, sometimes reallly long and cumbersome name. Why do it? Seems that’s an invention in the name of political correctness and I personally don’t see the point. Why not take the wife’s? Because it’s traditional for Catholic women to take the husband’s name. In other words, If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

 

[whatevergirl]

Here’s a question that is along the lines of this…why doesn’t my sister go back to her maiden name? She has been divorced for nearly 5 years! Their marriage is still a marriage in the eyes of the Church, but for legal reasons…not sure why she holds onto her married last name. I notice a lot of divorced women to that until they remarry. Just curious…maybe it’s a lot of work to get everything switched over?

 

[jmcrae]

Here’s a question that is along the lines of this…why doesn’t my sister go back to her maiden name? She has been divorced for nearly 5 years! Their marriage is still a marriage in the eyes of the Church, but for legal reasons…not sure why she holds onto her married last name. I notice a lot of divorced women to that until they remarry. Just curious…maybe it’s a lot of work to get everything switched over?

Around here, it is. You have to go personally to the Department of Statistics to get your name changed legally. Then, you have to argue with them because they don’t think you need your name changed. And then there is all kinds of paperwork to fill out, and you have to get your identification changed over - driver’s license, library card, credit cards, social insurance card, tax information, etc.

Once per lifetime is plenty.

 

[whatevergirl]

Around here, it is. You have to go personally to the Department of Statistics to get your name changed legally. Then, you have to argue with them because they don’t think you need your name changed. And then there is all kinds of paperwork to fill out, and you have to get your identification changed over - driver’s license, library card, credit cards, social insurance card, tax information, etc.

Once per lifetime is plenty.

LOL–wow…that sounds like a big ordeal, indeed. I digress…maybe she should leave her married name alone then!

She mentioned her social secy card would need to be changed…now that can be a pain. Losing one and getting a replacement is a pain enough! Thanks for the reply, jmcrae.

 

[Salonika]

ac claire:

Hyphenation just makes up a new totally different, sometimes reallly long and cumbersome name. Why do it? Seems that’s an invention in the name of political correctness and I personally don’t see the point. Why not take the wife’s? Because it’s traditional for Catholic women to take the husband’s name. In other words, If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

Ac Claire - Don’t think we’re going to agree on this as I think its clear we have different views on the importance we should attach to tradition in this situation.

I believe that what some people consider political correctness is actually developing new ways to deal with social situations that occur that tradition isn’t able to handle, has only partially handled or not handled completely. Won’t use other examples as this could be seen as hijacking or deviating from the thread.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Because it’s traditional for Catholic women to take the husband’s name. In other words, If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

Really? Last I checked, Latin American Catholic women keep their names and both names get passed onto the children.

 

[TLDenmark]

Should is a strong word, makes it sound like it is something that is required. So from that perspective, my answer is no. But personally I do find the tradition to be a beautiful symbolic manifestation of the spiritual reality of marriage, that the two have become one flesh with the husband as the head of the family.

 

[psr13]

Here’s a question that is along the lines of this…why doesn’t my sister go back to her maiden name? She has been divorced for nearly 5 years! Their marriage is still a marriage in the eyes of the Church, but for legal reasons…not sure why she holds onto her married last name. I notice a lot of divorced women to that until they remarry. Just curious…maybe it’s a lot of work to get everything switched over?

The only times it’s easy to change a last name are for adoption and marriage. In many states, it’s only easy in marriage when it’s the woman taking the man’s name. Any other time there are so many requirements. You have to advertise in the paper for a certain amount of time that you’re changing your last name. Then do all the paperwork. It’s hard because a last name is such an identifying feature.

 

[ac_claire]

Really? Last I checked, Latin American Catholic women keep their names and both names get passed onto the children.

Well, that’s cool if it’s true. I just know that in most English-speaking cultures and Europe, etc., taking the husband’s name is traditional.

Salonika, I think we can agree on our disagreement at least lol. I believe that tradition is very important. To try and change that tradition seems to me to be (generally speaking) an attempt to hang onto one’s individuality instead of “two becoming one.” In the places where this is already traditional, it seems to me like an insult and a rejection of the man’s family to try and arbitrarily change the tradition when you don’t need to.