Shouldn't husband stand by my side, not on the opposing side

[Maryteresasophia]

I’m having some problems with my husband and the way he treats me.i feel as my husband he should stand by my side and support me, but when it comes to his ex and children he wont.

I’ll start with the backstory, I was falling away from my faith when I fell in love with an amazingly kind, brilliant man. The only problems was he had an ex-wife and 3 children and most importantly a lack of faith. I came back to God and the church, we got a dispensation and married in the church. It has always stung a little that he isn’t Catholic nor is he open minded the faith but otherwise he was a good husband. Our real issue is his ex and him being more concerned with her feelings. I spoke to my husband about his custody arraignment. He has the children every other weekend, rotating holidays, winter break and 4 weeks in the summer. I personally feel we should switch, we could have them full time. He makes good money and I could be a stay at home mom. We could send them to better schools, Catholic schools! and provide more recreational activities. Most importantly they would beliving in a two parent household. I asked the children how they’d like that, to live with us and have their own rooms,etc. He go soangry. He said I was never to put the children in the middle of an adult situation and that custody was between him and x, they were coparenting well and he would not let me screw it up. He also said if I was so concerned with their education he would give x more child support and I could go work and help out with bills. He’s never talked to me like this before. I just cant believe hewas more concerned abouther than what i want and how i feel.
I can never be a mother, I’ve waited too long. This was my chance, God brought these children into my life. Also there’s the fact that when we got married we promised to raise any children Catholic, but he won’t send his children to church with me. At first he just didn’t allow it. Then he started asking and they always say no. Of course they do! They were raised without God, they’d rather play on their phones or watch cartoons. I don’t know what to do. I feel like an outsider in my own family.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Those are his children. I’d imagine that what he perceives as their best interest would take priority over nearly everyone and everything. It sounds like he felt the state of things is good, including the “co-parenting” arrangements.

So yea, it’s not him being against you but instead for his children.

 

[1ke]

I asked the children how they’d like that, to live with us and have their own rooms,etc.

Whoa. That was TOTALLY inappropriate!

He said I was never to put the children in the middle of an adult situation

I agree 100% with your husband. What on earth were you thinking??!

we promised to raise any children Catholic

Meaning any children the two of you have. He is not Catholic. His former wife is not Catholic. These are not your children.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like an outsider in my own family.

Sounds like you have some unreasonable expectations of your husband.

You need to work WITH him when it comes to his children.

 

[angel12]

He has the children every other weekend, rotating holidays, winter break and 4 weeks in the summer. I personally feel we should switch, we could have them full time. He makes good money and I could be a stay at home mom. We could send them to better schools, Catholic schools! and provide more recreational activities. Most importantly they would beliving in a two parent household. I asked the children how they’d like that, to live with us and have their own rooms,etc. He go soangry. He said I was never to put the children in the middle of an adult situation and that custody was between him and x, they were coparenting well and he would not let me screw it up.

He’s absolutely right. You can’t just go changing a legal custody agreement on your own. And you had no right to ask them that behind his back. I don’t blame him one bit for being angry. I would have been furious.
It’s also completely unreasonable to ask him to make the children go to church with you when they’re not Catholic.

You knew – or certainly should have known – what the custody agreement was before you married him.

As for the title of your post – YOU should stand by HIS side.

 

[Irishmom2]

You need to back off. They are his kids with his ex. It’s their custody arrangement, not yours. Honestly, you are really overstepping your bounds.

 

[QwertyGirl]

He got angry most likely because you suggested taking his kids away from their mom. If he is a good man, he understands you don’t alienate children from their mother. Your post paints you in an incredibly selfish light. You need to listen to your husband. It was completely inapprooriate for you to discuss custody issues with the children. They aren’t your children.

 

[Allegra]

Your husband is 100% right and you are 100% wrong in this case. You were absolutely wrong to make those comments to his children and he was right to be upset over it. Do you realize that what you did could have jeopardized his visitation rights? Many courts take parental alienation very seriously!
You need to accept that those are not your children. They have a mother and you aren’t her. If I was their mother, I would be very concerned about them spending time alone with you henceforth. The thoughts you have expressed in your post alone are creepy. God has not brought you children. He has brought you step-children. Your job is to support your husband in his obligation to co-parent his children. You can’t honestly have thought that you would take over and be their mother and just relegate their real mother to weekends and holidays did you? And the reasons you give for taking these kids from the woman who gave birth to them and raised them all this time are so superficial! So they can have their own rooms? Really? So you can force them to attend a parochial school in a religion that neither of their parents practices? If I was their mother and read this thread, I would be so freaked out, I’d be calling my lawyer as fast as I could! I really think you should put all these thoughts out of your head and start out with a completely new attitude. You are a step-mom. Find your correct place in your step-children’s lives. It also sounds like the fact that you’ve never had children is painful for you. Once you are in a good place with your husband and his children, maybe you might consider talking with him about fostering or adopting.

 

[Allegra]

PS- I hope you do understand that even if he wanted to change his custody arrangement, he’d have to go to court and present a case of why it is necessary to do so. He can’t just call his exwife and say, “Hey, listen. My new wife wants something to do with her time since she isn’t working, so we’ve decided that you can’t have custody of the kids anymore. No offense, but we can give them their own rooms.”

 

[tweedlealice]

Blessings
I’m sorry. Divorce is loaded w complicating issues. His ex and he have established a pattern. Kids don’t care now a Days. It’s all video games. If money isn’t too tight, take them to a zoo or other activities. Play games. Build puzzles. Get butterfly nets or leaf booklets. Go into nearby Forrest w trails. Look for leaves and birds. Take them to hobby shops. Ask them to pick out a hobby. We have a paint club. Wine and painting. $35.00/ person. They give you supplies and a task to paint. Treasure hunt in your house/yard. Get husband to OK project.
Adopt a child. Ppl are having kids up till 50. It’s a little scary w Downs Syndrome. Celebrities are doing fair.
Anyway, getting a good relationship with kids is a good goal. Sneak it in.
Forgive your husband. He knows his ex. And probably doesn’t want to upset the Apple cart.
As long as she is a safe mother and kids are doing good in school.
I’m Christs love
Tweedlealice

 

[tweedlealice]

PS google serenity prayer and St. Teresa of Avila’s short prayer.
DONT BE DISCOURAGED
DONT BE AFRAID(?)
Feel loved
Tweedlealice

 

[Trishie]

Please do your best to repair your relationship with your husband, and assure him that you won’t intervene in these matters again.You realize that in this you have potentially undermined your relationship.
Your responsibility is to do your best for the children when you are privileged with their company, and to pray for them always.

Please God, the children’s mother, who would rightfully feel that you were trying to take her children away, and doing so in what she could rightfully see as a sneaky way, in trying to do so through her children.
You are tampering with the fierce love of a mother for her children, which could damage the balance for the children being able to see their father as often because of you. You could damage the father’s relationship with his children because the stepmother has become a threat.
Of course your husband was angry.

Be humble and unselfish. As regards the children’s faith and upbringing, it’s their parents’ responsibility.
You married a man without faith, so it wa most likely that his children would follow, particularly when the children’s mother is without faith.

My prayers that the situation can be repaired for the children’s father, the children’s mother, for the children whom you have sought to play off against their Mom.
And for you.

I’m sorry you can’t have children of your own, that is sad.
And I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness you feel in this situation.

The best thing you can do for the children is to be supportive of both their parents’ rights, and enjoy the children in the time available, in the kind, respectful way that your position permits. You do have the gift of the children present sometimes, and please God the mother will not in justifiable fear, revoke this.

May God bless, heal, restore, and grant peace and blessing to you all.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I’m a stepmother and my beautiful DSD lives with us every other week. While Hubby and I would both love for her to live with us full-time, we recognize that’s not possible. Hubby is a Catholic convert and I am a cradle Catholic. We do our best to raise DSD in the faith. Hubby entrusts her religious education largely to me because he was an adult convert so has little experience with catechesis. But that was a MUTUAL decision. As a stepmother I can’t just unilaterally make decisions about our daughter. I do think you have the best of intentions, but you have to remember that these are NOT YOUR NATURAL CHILDREN. Moving them in with you full-time and changing schools is a HUGE change for them. Couple that with the fact that they have to learn to share their dad with you, and it’s a recipe for disaster. If your husband and his ex have a workable arrangement, that’s already half the battle won. You may not LIKE that arrangement, but it’s what works. You could face a lot of resentment and a lot of backlash if you try to change it.

 

[Lou2U]

Read back your post, OP. It’s all about what you want. What about everyone else - your stepchildren, your husband, your stepchildren’s mother?

It isn’t up to you to dictate where the children live, what school they go to or what religion they practice. Those decisions have ready been made by your husband and his ex - it’s not a case of “feelings”, and in this matter your feelings are not the ones that should be taking priority.

You are not the children’s mother and any attempt by you to take her place will lead to a lot of resentment. Of course you can be their stepmother, but you are not their mother. You knew when you married that your husband had children and was not Catholic. Now you have to find a way to deal with that reality.

 

[Elf01]

I agree with what everyone else has said

1. They are his children and custody arrangements are between him and his ex
2. You should have discussed it with him (and him with his ex if he agreed) before talking to the children. On saying that I would also expect him to discuss any changes in custody with you before talking to the children unless their mother died or got suddenly ill and even then I would expect him to talk to you first and then discuss things with the children together.

However, while he was right to be angry I think he could have expressed it better. The more CS comment seems overboard to me.

 

[SnowRose]

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.
You were the mother and your former husband remarried. Out of nowhere his new wife is trying to take full custody of your children in order to foster them in a faith neither you nor your former husband is part of.

If that sounds horrible to you, you have your answer then and there.

 

[kptrs]

I don’t think he worded anything wrong. What his wife did was so far out of line, I think he was right to come down as hard as he did. He expressed it just fine. Absolutely nothing was overboard.

 

[Clementine14]

I asked the children how they’d like that, to live with us and have their own rooms,etc. He go soangry. He said I was never to put the children in the middle of an adult situation and that custody was between him and x, they were coparenting well and he would not let me screw it up.

This was beyond inappropriate. It is understandable how angry your husband is- you went behind his back and involved his children in a decision that isn’t yours to make. It sounds like your husband is actually a very reasonable man who knows to whom he owes what.

These are not your children. Your suggestion to take them away from their own mother was wrong. You write that he should “stand by your side and support you”, but this isn’t about you. You married someone who has children, and those kids already have a mom. Your arguments that you make more money and can provide them better schooling, more activities, and their own rooms, sound very shallow. That doesn’t make up for a mother’s love.

 

[AdamP88]

I hate to say it but you married him knowing these things about him. You will never be the mother of those kids. And the fact that he has an ex and kids means that they will always be part of his (and your) life. When you married him, you agreed that that was ok with you.

Unfortunately you don’t have control over this situation and your husband was kinda right to be angry when you asked his kids if they wanted to live with you. You should have talked to him about it first.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Maybe you should consider taking a class or reading up on what being a positive stepmother is all about. It can be a very important and positive role, with great impact for the children involved. To get to that point though, you have to embrace the fact that you aren’t these childrens’ mother and you never will be.

 

[DeniseNY]

It doesn’t sound like the ex is the problem. Unfortunately the problem is you and your expectations. It is incredibly wrong to try to alienate children from their mother. Your husband has every right to be upset with you. These are his kids and they have a mother. Sorry but it kind of sounds like your trying to use religion to justify parental alienation.