Shut that thing up!

[LSK]

I would use the Jesus Box.

Make one out of an old shoe box, decorate it however you want, and cut a hole in the top to put your writings through and into the box.

Then start dumping, onto a piece of paper, exactly how you feel:

like this:
how could she say those things about me how could she call me a thing who does she think she is the old bat I feel sorry for her but I feel sorrier for everyone she comes in contact with because she is a mean, vindictive woman who should just stop inflicting herself on me and my wonderful husband and …furthermore…

Anyway, you get the idea…you just pour out your feelings and do not worry about how it looks, spelling or syntax or anything.
When you are all done, put the paper in front of you and say a prayer like this:

Dearest Jesus, this is how I am feeling right now. I cannot seem to change her and I am really angry/hurt/saddened (or all three) by her behavior. I want to forgive her as you have forgiven me for my sins but right now this is exactly how I feel. Please take these and direct my attention to how I may serve others. Thank you. Amen.

Put it into the box, walk away…and if you have to write it out again and again, go ahead…just make sure you say the prayer every time you write.

 

[cecilia97]

Nope, no misunderstanding, how i wish it was! but since it happened, and likely will in the future, i had an idea i want some feedback on if you all wouldn’t mind so much?

i thought of going for a walk or something when Frank calls his mom in the future, and i am not bitter about this whole thing just a bit saddened is all. i didn’t think man could be so cruel to man, but it happens, and until God sets things straight for all mankind, man will continue to be cruel to one another.

so, any ideas are most welcome, since i should remain silent, then a walk perhaps? i’ve left the room before, but didn’t yesterday because i wanted to be on my pc here at CAF, and didn’t feel like getting up to move because my back was really sore, and it was an effort to even get up to go to bed last night.

Anyways, other ideas are welcome! everytime i pray the rosary, i pray for her as well as the whole world. so, what do you all suggest?

Hi Philomena,

I think your idea to leave the room is good. If your back hurts or it’s not a good time for you to leave what you’re doing, could you agree ahead of time that your husband take the phone call to another location?

This doesn’t excuse her bahavior at all, but reading your description of this woman’s life makes me feel very bad for her…she must be carrying around a lot of hurts and unresolved grief to burn so many important family ties. I suspect she didn’t deal with her mother’s death the right way and that’s why she reacted so badly to her father’s remarriage, and then losing her father while estranged from him gave her excuse to just harden her heart even more. She needs your prayers and you are doing the right thing by offering them.

c

 

[MyPhilomena]

I would use the Jesus Box.

Make one out of an old shoe box, decorate it however you want, and cut a hole in the top to put your writings through and into the box.

Then start dumping, onto a piece of paper, exactly how you feel:

like this:
how could she say those things about me how could she call me a thing who does she think she is the old bat I feel sorry for her but I feel sorrier for everyone she comes in contact with because she is a mean, vindictive woman who should just stop inflicting herself on me and my wonderful husband and …furthermore…

Anyway, you get the idea…you just pour out your feelings and do not worry about how it looks, spelling or syntax or anything.
When you are all done, put the paper in front of you and say a prayer like this:

Dearest Jesus, this is how I am feeling right now. I cannot seem to change her and I am really angry/hurt/saddened (or all three) by her behavior. I want to forgive her as you have forgiven me for my sins but right now this is exactly how I feel. Please take these and direct my attention to how I may serve others. Thank you. Amen.

Put it into the box, walk away…and if you have to write it out again and again, go ahead…just make sure you say the prayer every time you write.

i don’t need to put it on paper, i put it in prayer

 

[vluvski]

Ok, it sounds like Frank is firm with his mother when she begins making inappropriate conversation. If the level of contact is agreeable to you all, then I’m glad you’ve found that niche in order to preserve the relationship for times she is not being rancid, as you say.

If it was me, I could probably carry out respect of father and mother better without any verbal contact. I would hold so much saddness and hurt that I would become bitter and angst-filled toward that person. You are a better woman than I.

 

[MyPhilomena]

Hi Philomena,

I think your idea to leave the room is good. If your back hurts or it’s not a good time for you to leave what you’re doing, could you agree ahead of time that your husband take the phone call to another location?

This doesn’t excuse her bahavior at all, but reading your description of this woman’s life makes me feel very bad for her…she must be carrying around a lot of hurts and unresolved grief to burn so many important family ties. I suspect she didn’t deal with her mother’s death the right way and that’s why she reacted so badly to her father’s remarriage, and then losing her father while estranged from him gave her excuse to just harden her heart even more. She needs your prayers and you are doing the right thing by offering them.

c

oh yes, she obviously does have unresolved grief that she has carried around for 25 years now, and has not gotten help for, no one has encouraged her to get help at all except frank, and she totally rejected it stating she could move on with her life.

when her husband died in 2002, she took it badly. this was her second marriage, and not franks bio father. she took it out on us. i understood she was grieving, but never got mad at her for telling me to die a horrible death, exct. i forgave her for that because of the circumstances, and yes, it is still forgiven, but it does hurt when it is brought up by her

anyways, the idea for me is not to be present when he calls his mom, and that is always a good thing, because when she does not hear me, they have a good conversation. her father did not marry Elizbeth, they were only common law.

 

[vluvski]

i don’t need to put it on paper, i put it in prayer

The Jesus box is a type of prayer- a very physical, tangible way to lay your worries and hurts at the foot of the cross. Didn’t it make you feel a little better to vent here? Same concept, only a more private venue that is more prayerful.

 

[MyPhilomena]

Ok, it sounds like Frank is firm with his mother when she begins making inappropriate conversation. If the level of contact is agreeable to you all, then I’m glad you’ve found that niche in order to preserve the relationship for times she is not being rancid, as you say.

If it was me, I could probably carry out respect of father and mother better without any verbal contact. I would hold so much saddness and hurt that I would become bitter and angst-filled toward that person. You are a better woman than I.

oh no, iam not a better woman than you. i deal with things differently, but that does not make me better. also note, that under no circumstances do i ever have verbal contact with her.
i only blurted it out that word, oh no because i was really surprised.

 

[MyPhilomena]

The Jesus box is a type of prayer- a very physical, tangible way to lay your worries and hurts at the foot of the cross. Didn’t it make you feel a little better to vent here? Same concept, only a more private venue that is more prayerful.

most sorry if i seem to be venting! not my intent. my intent was only to share what happened is all. sorry if it seemed to be venting.

 

[dessert]

hi Philomena, and I thoought my dad was bad whewww! My dad turns into a Darth Vader. He did when I started back to the Catholic Church and this father I talked with from ewtn even from one email nailed it right to the core. He said my dad was feeling guilt about his on faith and he wanted to back to church and which I was doing. He was feeling guilt about things he has done in the past and my going to church was reminding him of what he would like to do. He was swearing at me and was going to hit me but since then I have never been able to completelly trust him because he couldn’t remember doing what he did because he was in a total rage kind of like when they crucified Jesus Hav you seen the passion? It took me all this time to really whatch it and then I rented and closed my eyes most of the first time and then the second time really the full impact of the movie what Jesus went through! makes my dad look like a kitty and Mary came across in the movie as much as anyone with her strength and just quiet weeping and saying so the time has come I guess this may not help much but just keep telling her you love her till she brakes down and cries use a soft voice by the way it hasn’t worked on my dad yet but maybe some day! He is 85 and I did tell him that if he wants to keep seeing me he can’t swear at me buttttt.Pray for your hubby being in the middle too as my mother is also the victim and suffering. I have a nice daghter in law and I didn’t know how to handle her at first but we get along fine. Do you have children ? She may be resentfull if you don’t ? I will pray the rosary for you Phil as the father has for me love in Christ

 

[MyPhilomena]

hi Philomena, and I thoought my dad was bad whewww! My dad turns into a Darth Vader. He did when I started back to the Catholic Church and this father I talked with from ewtn even from one email nailed it right to the core. He said my dad was feeling guilt about his on faith and he wanted to back to church and which I was doing. He was feeling guilt about things he has done in the past and my going to church was reminding him of what he would like to do. He was swearing at me and was going to hit me but since then I have never been able to completelly trust him because he couldn’t remember doing what he did because he was in a total rage kind of like when they crucified Jesus Hav you seen the passion? It took me all this time to really whatch it and then I rented and closed my eyes most of the first time and then the second time really the full impact of the movie what Jesus went through! makes my dad look like a kitty and Mary came across in the movie as much as anyone with her strength and just quiet weeping and saying so the time has come I guess this may not help much but just keep telling her you love her till she brakes down and cries use a soft voice by the way it hasn’t worked on my dad yet but maybe some day! He is 85 and I did tell him that if he wants to keep seeing me he can’t swear at me buttttt.Pray for your hubby being in the middle too as my mother is also the victim and suffering. I have a nice daghter in law and I didn’t know how to handle her at first but we get along fine. Do you have children ? She may be resentfull if you don’t ? I will pray the rosary for you Phil as the father has for me love in Christ

my husband and i both have 1 child from different relationships.
she would never want me to have any children from him because that is her son, and she would hate me even more if we were to share in that kind of joy. besides, i cannot have a child anymore because of health reasons, but that issue is moot too, and iam glad though that we do not have a child together because she might not even like the child as it would be a product of a canadian wife whom she does not approve of. she is highly predjudiced against capitalistic North Americans. She was raised in socialist east Germany, and she still has deep feelings of resentment towards capitalistic countries such as ours. so no, iam glad that we do not have a child together for those reasons alone as she would never be willing to accept any child of mine.
proof? she cannot stand my own daughter why would she even care for one that frank and i had together? she has never even met my child and yet she disapproves of her. unreal, but that is the way it is and it is not going to change. she thinks her son should’ve married a real German girl and not one who is North American. she thinks that all of us are crazy and idiots. her own words to us before she left to go back to Germany, not mine or frank’s words, her own.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Can you see the humor in this? I mean your MIL is so self-centered to the point of rediculousness.

She almost sounds like a sitcom charicature.

If your husband and you can just have a good laugh about this you’ll be alright.

Most people have enough self-awareness that they know enough to be a tad more subtle about their dislikes for people. The reason is because most people are intelligent enough to know that you want the other person to look like an idiot, not yourself.

There’s a certain similarity between this situation and Sadam Hussein’s behavior in trial. His outbursts are so rediculous that people laugh at him. I sincerely doubt Pres. Bush loses any sleep over being called Satan by Sadam.

 

[MyPhilomena]

in a way, she sort of reminds me of Archie Bunker. Why? because Archie was self centered, bigoted, and hated his son in law. He always made derogatory remarks calling him meathead.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

That poor woman is self-centered to the point of being dotty. I’m not sure she isn’t clinically dotty.

Those who don’t bend to her whims are castigated or cast out. Can you name a single person whom she loves and respects without regard to what the person has to give her? She almost sounds like a sociopath, a person who does not form true emotional connections with other people. This makes all other people either slaves, competitors, or a non-entities.

Frank should be very, very glad that he is half a world away from her. She doesn’t need him. Thank God he had his opa.

I don’t know what is wrong with her, but do yourself and your husband a favor and let him pay his respects to his mom all alone. The farther you stay from her, the less likely the conversation is going to turn into a reason to beat up your DH. Oh, and encourage him to seek counselling, if he is at all interested. It will be money well spent.

 

[MyPhilomena]

That poor woman is self-centered to the point of being dotty. I’m not sure she isn’t clinically dotty.

Those who don’t bend to her whims are castigated or cast out. Can you name a single person whom she loves and respects without regard to what the person has to give her? She almost sounds like a sociopath, a person who does not form true emotional connections with other people. This makes all other people either slaves, competitors, or a non-entities.

Frank should be very, very glad that he is half a world away from her. She doesn’t need him. Thank God he had his opa.

I don’t know what is wrong with her, but do yourself and your husband a favor and let him pay his respects to his mom all alone. The farther you stay from her, the less likely the conversation is going to turn into a reason to beat up your DH. Oh, and encourage him to seek counselling, if he is at all interested. It will be money well spent.

frank and i speak to our priest. he doesn’t need counseling because he is not in error, nor is there anything wrong with him mentally. he is maintaning a relationship with her because believe it or not, she does love him, just not who he is with. if i was german and lived in germany, we would get along famously.

she is angered at me because her son is here, and not there, and that is her only child. she has never understood the life choices frank has made, and she resents me and blames me because she thinks i took her son away from her. she is possesive of him, and wants him to do her bidding, and he never did, and she blames me and not him. she hates me for it, and she has made that abundantly clear over the years.

franks grandpa raised him along with his great grandma, and his grandma. his mom dumped him on grandpas doorstep when he was a small child, and she came to see him every other week, paid child support, along with his bio father. frank loves her, and he went to see her every week and had dinner with her and her second husband like clockwork. they never discussed grandpa at those dinners. only positive things.

when she met me we got along fine and never argued, we still don’t. i just don’t speak to her. everything was fine until she came to canada. she was angered that she had to go home ( her decision, but we did not try to talk her out of it, and she had wanted us to, but she had caused so much sadness when she was here, we just agreed with her, and drove her to the airport. ) she changed her attitude the minute she got home. she bad mouthed me every chance she got.

when frank told her he had a dream of buying a house, she was angry, and called him stupid and crazy, she called me a fat canadian, and went on to state that all canadians are fat stupid and crazy. then she was homesick on top of it. she was miserable from the day she got off that plane to visit us, until she got home right up until now. 6 years of her own making not ours.

i would not have allowed her to stay in our home regardless, she had the option of going to a hotel and having frank come and visit with her outside our home, or having me go to visit my mom while she spent the remainder of her time with frank, and she refused even that, she got on a woe is me trip and stated she was going home and that was the end of it. so, i took her at her word for it, and we drove her to the airport, she told us to get lost and go home, so we did. and the rest is history.

our priest has been a great source of encouragement, and we will discuss this issue with him this evening when he comes for dinner if he wants to talk about it, if not, we will book an appointment to talk to him. he has been a source of unblievable encouragement for us both!

 

[jmcrae]

Philomena;

WOW, that was an incredibly rude thing for her to say!!

I don’t blame you at all for being upset by that - I’d be upset if someone said something like that to me, too.

She sounds like a very disturbed individual.

 

[MyPhilomena]

well whatever she is, iam not a physician, so that is not up to me to decide what she is or isn’t. i can only speak for the things that have happened, and continue to happen.

i still wont quit praying for her no matter what because God is more powerful than anything in the universe, and He can change her. We can set the example for her to see, but the rest is up to God and not us.

Even the most hardened of people can change, because all things are possible with God.

 

[Black_Jaque]

in a way, she sort of reminds me of Archie Bunker. Why? because Archie was self centered, bigoted, and hated his son in law. He always made derogatory remarks calling him meathead.

YES EXACTLY!!!

I learned that the actor who played Archie Bunker was quite the faithful Catholic. He viewed his job as charicaturing a bigot so that people would know how foolish bigots are. And it worked magnificently. It is no great compliment to be called an Archie Bunker. Because of Archie Bunker, if a politician says something remotely racist, he is on the podium the next day appologizing profusely. And so it is with the rest of society. Perhaps that guy did too good a job.

Anyhow, it was fun to laugh at Archie.

 

[estesbob]

it appears that this thread is slowly moving from lets help Philomenia deal with her Mother-In law to lets bash Philomenia’s Mother in law as Philomenia herself said we need to pray for this woman.

 

[MyPhilomena]

it appears that this thread is slowly moving from lets help Philomenia deal with her Mother-In law to lets bash Philomenia’s Mother in law as Philomenia herself said we need to pray for this woman.

actually, i do not see anyone bashing her, only that they are confused or shocked as to why someone would behave that way. almost all the posters here agreed that we should pray for such people.

i have been helped here immensely. i know alot of people post about family issues and sure, it is shocking at times, but the best thing one can do is offer it up to God, and let Him take over

 

[BLB_Oregon]

frank and i speak to our priest. he doesn’t need counseling because he is not in error, nor is there anything wrong with him mentally.

That is actually within what I meant by counselling…just having someone outside the drama who can speak to what you are going through from an entirely sane perspective.

I did not mean to imply that there was anything wrong with your husband mentally. It is very difficult to take the kind of abuse he’s getting from someone you love. This is not one of those normal things that everyone has to deal with.

I am glad you have the priest to talk to, also. This is so not about you, so not about Canada. This is about your MIL.

he is maintaning a relationship with her because believe it or not, she does love him, just not who he is with. if i was german and lived in germany, we would get along famously.

I would not be so sure about that. She abused him over what went on with his opa, did she not? How can that be blamed on you? If she loved him so much and in a healthy way, why would she punish him for the fact that you and his opa don’t live up to what she wants?

she is angered at me because her son is here, and not there, and that is her only child. she has never understood the life choices frank has made, and she resents me and blames me because she thinks i took her son away from her. she is possesive of him, and wants him to do her bidding, and he never did, and she blames me and not him. she hates me for it, and she has made that abundantly clear over the years.

She blames you, yet she calls him an idiot, though, right?

franks grandpa raised him along with his great grandma, and his grandma. his mom dumped him on grandpas doorstep when he was a small child, and she came to see him every other week, paid child support, along with his bio father. frank loves her, and he went to see her every week and had dinner with her and her second husband like clockwork. they never discussed grandpa at those dinners. only positive things.

I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not normal behavior for a woman who has a healthy and loving relationship with her son. Otherwise, why on earth would the man who was so lovingly raising her son not be a “positive thing” to talk about? Let us say she could not take care of Frank herself through no fault of her own…if you were in her position, wouldn’t you thank heaven for your wonderful parents who take care of your only son for you, and do it ten times a day?

when she met me we got along fine and never argued, we still don’t. i just don’t speak to her. everything was fine until she came to canada. she was angered that she had to go home ( her decision, but we did not try to talk her out of it, and she had wanted us to, but she had caused so much sadness when she was here, we just agreed with her, and drove her to the airport. ) she changed her attitude the minute she got home. she bad mouthed me every chance she got.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but “just not speaking” to one’s MIL is not what is normally meant by “getting along fine.” It seems as if you may have only moved from the “slave” or “non-entity” list to the “competitor” list.

when frank told her he had a dream of buying a house, she was angry, and called him stupid and crazy, she called me a fat canadian, and went on to state that all canadians are fat stupid and crazy. then she was homesick on top of it. she was miserable from the day she got off that plane to visit us, until she got home right up until now. 6 years of her own making not ours.

i would not have allowed her to stay in our home regardless, she had the option of going to a hotel and having frank come and visit with her outside our home, or having me go to visit my mom while she spent the remainder of her time with frank, and she refused even that, she got on a woe is me trip and stated she was going home and that was the end of it. so, i took her at her word for it, and we drove her to the airport, she told us to get lost and go home, so we did. and the rest is history.

The more you talk about her, the more she sounds like a classic manipulator. Again…who is the person that she takes care of? If she thinks this abuse is ok, who is the person whom she loves even though they trade this kind of abuse?

our priest has been a great source of encouragement, and we will discuss this issue with him this evening when he comes for dinner if he wants to talk about it, if not, we will book an appointment to talk to him. he has been a source of unblievable encouragement for us both!

That is only about a million times more worthwhile than anything I have to say.

Good luck to you, and bless you for being such a supportive wife.