Sick son, live-in girlfriend, and learning my place

[mnmbishop]

Brace yourself. Here is my advice. Please forget the entitlement attitude. Keep your “worry and heartbreak” to yourself. Don’t you realize that such ideas are probably why you have a distant relationship with him? I know that, to you, he will always be your baby, but he is an adult.

At this time, think exclusively about what they need and want, not what you want. The best thing you can do for him is to pray for him morning and night. Write regularly that you are praying for him and are organizing others to do so as well.

While I appreciate everyone’s posts and I will take them to heart, I do want to say that I don’t have a distant relationship with my son. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids, and so far, no one knows I feel this way.

I am really not trying to sound entitled. Please have a little sympathy though. My son is 25, has cancer, and is being cared for by someone who is lovely, but is still just a 23 year old with no real experience with things like this. I don’t want to push her out, I just want to be a little more involved because I think that some help from someone much older and more experienced would be good for them.

 

[EasterJoy]

While I appreciate everyone’s posts and I will take them to heart, I do want to say that I don’t have a distant relationship with my son. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids, and so far, no one knows I feel this way.

I am really not trying to sound entitled. Please have a little sympathy though. My son is 25, has cancer, and is being cared for by someone who is lovely, but is still just a 23 year old with no real experience with things like this. I don’t want to push her out, I just want to be a little more involved because I think that some help from someone much older and more experienced would be good for them.

It is understandable, but I don’t think I’d take the “older and more experienced” tack. I’d take the “few people go through something like this without a support network, and I want to be a support to you” tack.

I would not be at all surprised if a Hodgkin’s online support group would have a section for family members who live some distance away. Speaking of more experienced, you may get many ideas about how to navigate this and how your son may be navigating this from those who have gone ahead of you. It is likely that this is what your son and his girlfriend are doing–that is the age we are in. They may soon feel that while they are not experienced, they are not unknowledgeable. They will feel you understand them better if you expect that they are probably doing this. Who knows, you may find a forum like that helpful to you without having to put a burden onto them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

While I appreciate everyone’s posts and I will take them to heart, I do want to say that I don’t have a distant relationship with my son. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids, and so far, no one knows I feel this way.

I am really not trying to sound entitled. Please have a little sympathy though. My son is 25, has cancer, and is being cared for by someone who is lovely, but is still just a 23 year old with no real experience with things like this. I don’t want to push her out, I just want to be a little more involved because I think that some help from someone much older and more experienced would be good for them.

I totally understand. I really, really do, and I don’t think that you’re acting entitled or trying to pull rank. You’re just a woman who is watching her son suffer. And I know that you’re worried that she won’t be able to handle it. To be honest, my in-laws were extremely (and vocally) skeptical of me. But your skepticism won’t harm his faith in her, and you wouldn’t want it to. So please, don’t ever let them know you worry about her abilities as his caretaker. They both need you to believe in her.

Be present, call often, visit when it’s easiest for them. Offer to relay information to the rest of the family so that she doesn’t have to call or email people that she doesn’t know or know well. The best advice you can give her is this: Be strong, stand up for him, his rights, and his needs, and don’t be afraid to make people angry, even his doctors. She has to insist that their questions are answered and their concerns are addressed. Tell her to never be afraid to press the issue. That’s one of the hardest parts of being so young and in that position-having people not take you seriously because of your age. A lot rests on her when it comes to his wellbeing, so help her feel empowered, not weak.

The only mistake that my mother in law made, and it was so minor considering the circumstances, was acting like I was doing all of this in her place, for her, because she couldn’t be there. Understand that she’s not doing it for you, and respect that she would still be taking the lead even if you were there.

But to be perfectly honest, you sound so kind and gentle from your posts, I don’t think you’ll have any trouble navigating this.

 

[aloe]

Just something that says, “I want to help in a way that you dictate, not in a way that I dictate. I want to reduce your work, not add to it. I want to be a help, not one more thing to worry about.” That is the kind of mother-in-law that most women dream of!!

Yes, yes it is. Not only appreciated by the female but also to the son. Big time.

 

[sojo]

I guess the long and short of this is that my baby has cancer and I feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length. I really don’t want to undermine her, I’m just hoping to help them understand how worried and heartbroken I am.

This might be precisely what you ARE conveying to them. Your baby is sick. You feel miserable. You are worried and heartbroken. You, you, you. And right now, they might not want to deal with worrying about you and your problems when they are involved in a battle for life. You might be perceived as draining to them.

I think BEL’s and other advise to be of help to the caregiver is spot on. And the mom who showed up quietly, unannounced, did the work, left the food and then left the house - that’s the winner. If I needed someone to stand in for me at the hospital, or to make some calls to friends to convey information or anything else, THAT’s the person I’d call. Not someone who was too wrapped up in what they needed themselves.

I can’t even imagine how scary this is for you - I have a son myself, and it would kill me to go through this. But you do sound very emotionally needy right now, and the couple are operating like man and wife (even if they aren’t… yet), and I can understand why they are keeping you at arms length. I’m so terribly sorry. I’ll keep your son and you in prayer.

 

[tawny]

She’s not his wife now, but she may be one day. Can you call her and let her know directly that you feel so much better knowing he is not going through this alone and you would like to help if she needs it? (Let us face it, he has put her in charge.) If she doesn’t see you as competition, she might be willing to just tell your son, “Listen, I need help. I’m calling your mom, whether you like it or not.”

After all, the only problem you have with her is that she and he are living together. Who knows whose bright idea that was, when all is said and done. Maybe she did it in order to get him to marry her, who knows. If you get on famously with her, at any rate, it won’t hurt the chances of a marriage down the road, that is the main thing. As long as she is good to him, give her the benefit of the doubt.

Well stated.

 

[child_of_God85]

Whether they are married or not, that is his partner, so as much as this may upset you, she has more right to be there. Its the person he has chosen to be with right now and share for now his life. If he were still undrsage it would be a different story, but he a 25 year old adult, and that is the most important person in his life.
I’ve been to the hospital a mumber of times this past year. Everytime my fiance went with me. I know it angered my mom, but for important appointmens or for emergencies, he is the person I want by my side.

 

[MomaMary8]

While I appreciate everyone’s posts and I will take them to heart, I do want to say that I don’t have a distant relationship with my son. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids, and so far, no one knows I feel this way.

I am really not trying to sound entitled. Please have a little sympathy though. My son is 25, has cancer, and is being cared for by someone who is lovely, but is still just a 23 year old with no real experience with things like this. I don’t want to push her out, I just want to be a little more involved because I think that some help from someone much older and more experienced would be good for them.

:hug1:

I’m sorry you are going through this. A mother’s heart is a one that receives a lot of piercing it seems. I will pray for you and your son. And you are right that 23 is a young age to be handling all these things, pray for her and support her so she can take the best care of your son.

 

[aloe]

This post is still bothering me a great deal. OP, I am very sorry for what you are dealing with on all accounts. I have a MIL who is an individual and has her own opinions, history, life, etc. like any other person. I would appreciate understanding and me dictating the terms of interactions as much as any other person would when they get to call all the shots. However that seems quite one sided.
It seems much advice is just to stop caring so much as it is annoying, to just mostly stay silent and keep all emotions, thoughts, and feelings to herself and let them do their thing without this mother’s involvement at all.
I have young children, is this what I have to look forward to someday, even when I think I have a great relationship with them? I have been in a similar situation on the flip side as I had cancer and also had medical procedures requiring significant hospital stays done while pregnant twice during one pregnancy. My parents, also someone’s in laws, were not isolated during those times nor would I want them to be. Also I have been a caretaker to someone with cancer. It is a hard time on everyone. Isolating people who really care and have your best interest at heart doesn’t make it any easier.

Your son is not doubt having trouble processing all of this too. And is probably still not fully processed any of it yet. So he may not have the words to explain his thoughts, feelings, or what he really wants to do yet concerning this health issue for him.

If you cannot be with your son still let him know you care by sending care packages if you can (they can be tailored to him or to chemo treatments like certain ginger candy, blankets, etc.), meal cards for places to eat by the hospital and their home, gift cards for gas and groceries, books, maybe pay for a housekeeping service for a couple months, and things of that nature. You can look up things for chemo care packages online, stuff that can help patients. I also suggest seeking a therapist or counselor just to talk about the cancer diagnosis at least. It can help. And when you do talk to your son and his girlfriend about your involvement, questions like

• how can I best be of help to you
• what can I do to make this easier on you
  just make sure they are specific questions but still open ended. I found a lot of people during our hard times in our family would say things like just call if you need anything. That wasn’t helpful. Helpful things were the cards, the well wishes, the specific help (for instance one person mowed our lawn, watched our little ones while at the hospital, etc.) and stuff like that.