Significant Other Comments on Weight

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notredame16

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I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year after meeting on catholicmatch.com. We have a trusting, respectful relationship but I have noticed that there are some cultural differences that are causing some waves. He’s from California, and I was born and raised in the midwest. Our ideas about health and fitness are drastically different. For example:

He goes to the gym five days and week and expects the same from me. He has made comments such as, “I would like if you lost five pounds” or “I’m worried about being attracted to you in the future.” He says it is because he is a self-improvement person and that we should both be constantly working to improve our physical, spiritual, and intellectual selves. Also, he feels that our bodies should be a gift to each other. While I agree that being healthy is important, I don’t feel comfortable with the way that he has brought this conversation up to me. He will tell me I’m beautiful, but then wants to know how many miles I ran that day. I can feel my body image hurt because of these comments.

Let me be clear: he is not consciously trying to hurt my feelings. I believe he genuinely thinks that what he is saying is acceptable because of his lifestyle and those around him. But how can I get him to understand that his comments are hurtful and that I don’t want to lose any weight?? We’ve tried and failed at this conversation several times before.
 
Norte,

I also am from CA and that attitude is common here for both men and women. But his attitude also seems to be that of a young person – which is still not an excuse. But what you can do is explain to him just as you explained to us here; let him know that you know he is not trying to hurt you – but his comments do hurt you. You seem as if you have a strong self-confident mental state, that is as much attractive as a person’s physical appearance. Do not let anyone try to change that.

Remind him that you are healthy: no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, etc. Yes he goes to the gym now but as he gets older, gets higher in the ranks of his job, his workouts will taper off and how would he feel: once he starts getting older and gains weight; starts to lose his hair, etc. and you start to criticize him?

If he cannot love you for who and how you are then maybe he is not the one you should be with. For if he starts with the way you look now – how would he deal with if you get married, have children and gain weight then. If he is having trouble accepting you now it can get worse later on.

I will pray that God grants you strength and peace.

Winter
 
notredame16 said:
We have a trusting, respectful relationship
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No, you don’t.

.
notredame16 said:
But how can I get him to understand that his comments are hurtful and that I don’t want to lose any weight??
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You can’t.
notredame16 said:
We’ve tried and failed at this conversation several times before.
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Which is an indicator that this may be a deal breaker. That’s the purpose of dating, so if so it’s served it’s purpose of discernment as to whether you two are compatible and meant for each other. Sounds like a no to me.
 
Are you now living in the same area? That is do you see each other IRL often?

I ask because, although I also consider his comments potentially very hurtful, I think it you were living in the same place and dating in person, he would likely ask less often. You two also might engage in physical activities - running or hiking or playing sports - together in person.

If you really don’t like exercising - going to the gym or out running (I consider hiking and pick-up sports a different category) - consider whether you two are possibly not as compatible as you think. If you were in the same place, would he want to go to the gym or out running every weekend, when you’d prefer to walk around downtown window shopping? That could also be a source of tension even if he didn’t comment on your weight.

As for what to say, I’d set up a pretty specific boundry. Having him harping on your weight can definately cause image problems for you. Tell him that you are at a healthy weight and you don’t want him to ask about it any more. Then every time he does, say “we aren’t going to talk about that” and change the subject. If he doesn’t get the picture relatively fast, I’d reconsider how respectful and trusting he really is.

In his defense, staying healthy (and continuing to grow intellectually and spiritually) really are great goals. However, I think that quizzing people about how many miles they ran that day (or what they’ve been reading) for the purpose of then scolding them is rude.
 
I’m also from California, and have lived in the Midwest (Notre Dame, actually). It makes no difference where either of you are from, there is NO excuse for this kind of behavior.
 
I agree with 1ke. I’m a male and I can tell you this. If he is worried about your physical attributes now it will only get worse over time and as you age.
 
Sweet friend, I feel that you could likely use a hug. I fear that people are generally pointing out what looks to be the truth of the situation, and that is that these comments are unhealthy and likely and indicator of what is to come. You will need to make some decisions on what you want to do. My prayers are with you!
 
I think a serious re-evaluation of your relationship is in order.

If your boyfriend asked you to lose weight JUST because he wanted you to be fit and healthy, that would be sort of understandable. It would show that he was concerned about you, even if he did not manage to frame his comment in a gentle way.

But because he mentioned that he is worried about being attracted to you in the future…well, for me, a HUGE red flag goes up right there. It sounds like he is being selfish. It sounds like he wants a hot girlfriend rather than a soulmate. It sounds like he wants you to change against your will in order to improve his future sex life.
 
MonikaBarbara said:
I think a serious re-evaluation of your relationship is in order.
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I’d say that what he’s already said is evaluation enough. This guy is not supportive of her goals, but wants to impose his on her. This is unlikely to be confined to physical matters, since he describes himself as “a self-improvement person”.

She needs to run away from him.
 
notredame16 said:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year after meeting on catholicmatch.com. We have a trusting, respectful relationship but I have noticed that there are some cultural differences that are causing some waves. He’s from California, and I was born and raised in the midwest. Our ideas about health and fitness are drastically different. For example:

He goes to the gym five days and week and expects the same from me. He has made comments such as, “I would like if you lost five pounds” or “I’m worried about being attracted to you in the future.” He says it is because he is a self-improvement person and that we should both be constantly working to improve our physical, spiritual, and intellectual selves. Also, he feels that our bodies should be a gift to each other. While I agree that being healthy is important, I don’t feel comfortable with the way that he has brought this conversation up to me. He will tell me I’m beautiful, but then wants to know how many miles I ran that day. I can feel my body image hurt because of these comments.

Let me be clear: he is not consciously trying to hurt my feelings. I believe he genuinely thinks that what he is saying is acceptable because of his lifestyle and those around him. But how can I get him to understand that his comments are hurtful and that I don’t want to lose any weight?? We’ve tried and failed at this conversation several times before.
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This is the red flag for me. Weight should not be the focus of one’s strive for health; a number on a scale is not the way to judge whether or not you are healthy. The fact that he “wants” you to lose only five pounds makes me think 1.) that you are not unhealthily overweight and he seems to care about superficial perfection and 2.) that you might want to rethink your current relationship. Your weight is between you and God; frankly, he has no business telling you that he would be “more attracted to you” if you lost a couple pounds. If he genuinely is concerned about your being negatively impacted from excess pounds (if you even have any), that’s one thing, but he still should address it more delicately and understand that it is not his place to dictate for you to lose weight. It seems extremely passive aggressive for him to imply that he is not happy with the way you are now and that he is worried about being attracted to you in the future.
 
Drop 'im like a rock. If he can’t cope with you as you are, and wants you to change your lifestyle to fit his apparently neurotic tastes, how do you think it would be were you married?

There is surely someone out there who won’t demand that you change your life to fit their fitness craziness.
 
Are you kidding me?

Oh my goodness, no!

That is totally disrespectful and hurtful and should never be tolerated. There are red flags all over the place here. If it was me, I may or may not have given him a second chance if he had made a comment about my weight in a negative way just once. The second time a comment like this came out he would have been gone…after a thorough chewing out in regards to respecting women.

Pregnancy changes your body shape in ways you may never expect and it may never return back to the way it was before.

Age changes your body shape in ways you may never expect and it may never return back to the way it was before.

See a pattern here? He needs to understand this…preferably as you are showing him the door.
 
Ditto what everyone else has said, and I’ll add this:

I am overweight, and am married to a man who is naturally very fit. He has a fantastic metabolism, and doesn’t need to work out in order to keep himself at a healthy weight. (I agree with a PP that weight isn’t always the best way to define one’s health, but there are certain guidelines over which one’s health tends to deteriorate.) I have a really slow metabolism combined with a lot of food-related issues and, frankly, a deep loathing of most forms of exercise. My husband has never commented on my weight in any way, shape, or form. When I decided to become more fit, though, he encouraged my goals by going running with me and being very encouraging during our runs, as well as pushing me to do more than I thought I could, as I tend to underestimate my physical abilities. That’s healthy. What you describe isn’t.

He’s “worried about being attracted to you in the future?” Really. What happens when you’re 8 months pregnant, have gained 30 pounds, are retaining water, have hormonal cystic acne, and have very little sex drive? What happens if, God forbid, you’re in a fire and get badly scarred?

True love cares about the person inside, and is attracted to that. Sure, being reasonably fit and in shape is a good idea for a lot of reasons: it’s healthier, and yes, a lot of people find that more attractive. However, constantly harping on weight isn’t physically or mentally healthy at all, and it certainly won’t do anything for your relationship. Quite the reverse, in fact. I also note that you seem to have set a boundary about this a number of times (i.e., not wanting him to push you on it) and that he’s ignored the boundary. That is not good in any relationship.
 
notredame16 said:
Let me be clear: he is not consciously trying to hurt my feelings. I believe he genuinely thinks that what he is saying is acceptable because of his lifestyle and those around him. But how can I get him to understand that his comments are hurtful and that I don’t want to lose any weight?? We’ve tried and failed at this conversation several times before.
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If he can’t figure out his comments are hurtful to you, than he either isn’t trying to place your needs above his own (something a husband is supposed to do) or doesn’t care enough about your needs to bother himself to figure out what they are (something else a husband is supposed to do). Either way, save yourself a lot of grief and get rid of him. If it helps, you can dump him, not exercise all week, eat ice cream all week and still lose at least 120 to 150lbs of excess weight (I’m guessing he weighs between 120 and 150lbs).
 
notredame16 said:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year after meeting on catholicmatch.com. We have a trusting, respectful relationship but I have noticed that there are some cultural differences that are causing some waves. He’s from California, and I was born and raised in the midwest. Our ideas about health and fitness are drastically different. For example:

He goes to the gym five days and week and expects the same from me. He has made comments such as, “I would like if you lost five pounds” or “I’m worried about being attracted to you in the future.” He says it is because he is a self-improvement person and that we should both be constantly working to improve our physical, spiritual, and intellectual selves. Also, he feels that our bodies should be a gift to each other. While I agree that being healthy is important, I don’t feel comfortable with the way that he has brought this conversation up to me. He will tell me I’m beautiful, but then wants to know how many miles I ran that day. I can feel my body image hurt because of these comments.

Let me be clear: he is not consciously trying to hurt my feelings. I believe he genuinely thinks that what he is saying is acceptable because of his lifestyle and those around him. But how can I get him to understand that his comments are hurtful and that I don’t want to lose any weight?? We’ve tried and failed at this conversation several times before.
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Run. And don’t look back.

This is a warning sign of someone who will never be happy with you and who you are. Time to look some where else. Egocentric people like this guy care for themselves more than anyone else.

What will he do if you marry, get pregnant and gain 20 pounds that won’t budge? What will he do if you get hurt and land up with a scar on your face, or lose your sight, or contract a debilitating illness like MS. I can tell you what he will do…he will run and never look back. Seen it done too many types by women and men that sound just like this guy.

So, you run now, and find someone much better. You deserve it.
 
Blue_Goose said:
I agree with 1ke. I’m a male and I can tell you this. If he is worried about your physical attributes now it will only get worse over time and as you age.
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Age or gets pregnant.

Pregnant women gain weight. And they don’t lose it in a day.
 
notredame16 said:
He says it is because he is a self-improvement person and that we should both be constantly working to improve our physical, spiritual, and intellectual selves. Also, he feels that our bodies should be a gift to each other.
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Do yourself a favor and break up with him. You will never, *ever *meet his demands. It’s impossible. And it’s not you. No one will ever meet his demands. I’ve known guys like that. Eventually, they end up very alone.

:hug1:
 
People generally won’t change much, no matter how hard you try to change them… Personally, I would not continue a serious relationship with someone that shallow, but it’s your decision.

It’s not just the weight, it’s an attitude that demands that you conform to his standards.
 
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