Significant Other Comments on Weight

[Ms_Manners]

OP, you really need to avoid this type of person, he is just too superficial, and I’d even say immature.

That TV situation where someone asks the partner what if they gain 25 or even 50 pounds, and they say that there would be more to love, sounds cheesy, but it is what you need in the long run.

His kind of thinking is the recipe for “left with someone younger and skinnier” ending.

PS Does he not realize that he might also find himself on the wrong side of his own way of thinking? At some point he it will be difficult to keep it up, and those gym types lose their muscles as soon as they stop going so regularly.

 

[Joy2day]

Drop 'im like a rock. If he can’t cope with you as you are, and wants you to change your lifestyle to fit his apparently neurotic tastes, how do you think it would be were you married?

There is surely someone out there who won’t demand that you change your life to fit their fitness craziness.

Dear OP, unfortunately this is very true. He has a problem I would say. The issue is with him and he has perspective issues.

Furthermore, it sounds like he could be making ‘physical appearance/fitness’ his god - which is not right. It is a form of vanity, taken to extremes.

If you have children, there will be days, maybe weeks when you are not able to fit in any exercise, or you might have too many bills to be able to afford a gym membership, or it may rain and you can’t exercise outside, or it may be too hot…

 

[LongingSoul]

He will tell me I’m beautiful, but then wants to know how many miles I ran that day.

Control freak!

Listen… once you’ve let this flotsam drift out to sea, you’ll look back on the memory of him and this time with sheer relief that you did. I dated a guy 30 years ago who made similar backhanded compliments. Sometimes I literally shudder at the thought that I might have married him. He’s already had two wives and two divorces in the last 30 years and I can’t for the life of me understand what I saw in him. My friends could see it all so clearly at the time, but not me.

 

[EasterJoy]

Control freak!

Listen… once you’ve let this flotsam drift out to sea, you’ll look back on the memory of him and this time with sheer relief that you did. I dated a guy 30 years ago who made similar backhanded compliments. Sometimes I literally shudder at the thought that I might have married him. He’s already had two wives and two divorces in the last 30 years and I can’t for the life of me understand what I saw in him. My friends could see it all so clearly at the time, but not me.

Yes! This is the guy you don’t realize was controlling you until you leave and look back! You break up with him, and then you find out that your friends and family were all praying you’d never marry him! This is a “wow, did I dodge a bullet when I left him” guy. Still, if the guy is personable and seems pleasant and you talk positively about his “self-improvement” attitudes, people hesitate to step in and say a bad word, because you might stay with him and then they’re on the wrong side of your fence.

 

[Allegra]

I know what I’d say and I guarentee that the conversation would never come up again afterward. Unfortunately, due to forum rules and regulations, I cannot post what I would say.

 

[Cider]

If he is this controlling now, by telling you you need to lose 5 pounds and exercise as much as he does, says he’s concerned about being attracted to you over 5 pounds, imagine how much worse he is going to be if you married him. Seriously. I’m wondering why you haven’t dumped him yet?

Walk away now and don’t look back.

 

[Cricket2]

I know what I’d say and I guarentee that the conversation would never come up again afterward. Unfortunately, due to forum rules and regulations, I cannot post what I would say.

 

[EasterJoy]

I know what I’d say and I guarentee that the conversation would never come up again afterward. Unfortunately, due to forum rules and regulations, I cannot post what I would say.

We can appreciate that you cannot articulate the exact text of the ceremonial rite without earning something between an “A-III” and an “L” rating from a “A-I” site. Is it sufficient to say that your goodbye would be both unequivocal and memorable?

(The USCCB uses “A-I” to mean a film is appropriate for general patronage, while an “A-III” means not appropriate for children or adolescents and an “L” rating means "Limited Adult Audience; film whose problematic content many adults would find troubling.)

 

[Allegra]

We can appreciate that you cannot articulate the exact text of the ceremonial rite without earning something between an “A-III” and an “L” rating from a “A-I” site. Is it sufficient to say that your goodbye would be both unequivocal and memorable?

(The USCCB uses “A-I” to mean a film is appropriate for general patronage, while an “A-III” means not appropriate for children or adolescents and an “L” rating means "Limited Adult Audience; film whose problematic content many adults would find troubling.)

I don’t care how skinny the dude is. He’s still acting like a pig. I would fry his curly tail and make myself a BLT.

 

[Lochias]

I don’t care how skinny the dude is. He’s still acting like a pig. I would fry his curly tail and make myself a BLT.

Har!

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t care how skinny the dude is. He’s still acting like a pig. I would fry his curly tail and make myself a BLT.

OK, so we’re talking heat at the “L” level…totally understandable. Excepting that the work is unappetizing in practice, BLT works for me.

As the saying goes, “You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.”
She can fry this guy on the way out or just leave him to roam feral, but what she should not set out to do is change him. That’s just getting drawn into his pit of mud, and she won’t beat him at that game. Nobody will win that one. It is a recipe for misery, and considering how “self-assured” he is, I’d say the misery would be mostly hers.

 

[Marie5890]

I agree with those who, in way or another, have pointed out there that this is a flag of serious difference between you and he.

Be very prayerful on how you continue this relationship.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with those who, in way or another, have pointed out there that this is a flag of serious difference between you and he.

Be very prayerful on how you continue this relationship.

I’m almost always in favor of the “pray first, then act” advice, but this time I’m saying “flee this very night.” That is because the harm from this kind of relationship is insidious. Most commonly, the one being harmed by it does not appreciate the harm until the harm is far advanced or the relationship has finally been ended. By that time, there is a great deal of inner work needed to heal the damage.

 

[GusIsAGirl]

I agree with everyone else to run and not look back! You can even borrow my track shoes, which I can’t currently use due to health reasons.

I do want to add, though, that I kind of see what Monica is saying, since you have been dating for a year. Has this been something he’s always done or only recently? If it’s only recently, then he’s telling you that you have not been able to live up to his standards. If he has always asked this, then you have been ignoring the fact that it is impossible to live up to his standards if you have been letting it go a year without resolution. Whether recently or not, there is no good resolution, so you do need to get out of this.

 

[MJJean]

I’m with Monicad. I don’t think this guy is a jerk at all.

A lot of agree that physical attraction is a part of a romantic relationship, yes? And well agree that an intellectual/emotional connection is also important, yes? Ok.

Well, this man very likely feels strongly for our OP intellectually and emotionally and maybe even physically, but he worries that this will not always be so. He’s worried that without diet and regular exercise his partner will not be fit and attractive to him physically. And this is a valid worry. It happened to me! I have also had friends confide they love their partners, but do not find them attractive anymore and it’s putting a strain on their marriages. This fellow is thinking ahead and being honest about what he fears and trying to make sure it doesn’t come to pass out of caring.

Yes, I said out of caring. People who enjoy working out tend to think it the best thing they have ever done and they feel great. They want to share that fit and happy feeling with everyone else. He’s the type of man who likes a fit woman and he knows that about himself. He wants to share his passion for fitness with OP and ensure that he will always find her physically attractive. He’s actually trying to ensure the future of their relationship.

As for me, I gained some baby weight after my boy was born and it snowballed from there until I hit 220. I was upset we weren’t intimate as much as we used to be and that the DH lacked enthusiasm. After weeks of me bringing it up and him making lame excuses, my DH finally told me that he loved me, was attracted to me as a person, but that the extra weight made me less physically attractive. He also said he’d gained some weight and wanted to look and feel better about himself, too. So, we changed the household menu and got a gym membership.

I think the real worry here is that this is an energetic guy who is into physical, mental, and spiritual fitness as a way of life. If the OP is not into that lifestyle they may not be compatible.

 

[EasterJoy]

… It’s easy for all of us to tell you to walk away after a year, but that is a long time to walk away from someone you care about after making some rude comments…If he thinks you are out of shape and it is impacting his attraction to you he should tell you, although he seemed to lack tack in doing so. Maybe he is trying to drop hints? I don’t know how tactful he is being, maybe he is trying the best way he knows how but he should be telling you…

The issue is not that he is shallow or lacks tact. Everybody is going to make some mistakes as they learn to communicate, everyone is going to err on the side of self-centeredness at some time or another.

The issue is that she has told him over and over again that he is crossing a line and he refuses to accept it. He is more interested in doing things his way than in accommodating to find *their *way and giving her room to have her way about her self-care habits. He has been corrected and won’t back down.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m with Monicad. I don’t think this guy is a jerk at all.

A lot of agree that physical attraction is a part of a romantic relationship, yes? And well agree that an intellectual/emotional connection is also important, yes? Ok.

Well, this man very likely feels strongly for our OP intellectually and emotionally and maybe even physically, but he worries that this will not always be so. He’s worried that without diet and regular exercise his partner will not be fit and attractive to him physically. And this is a valid worry. It happened to me! I have also had friends confide they love their partners, but do not find them attractive anymore and it’s putting a strain on their marriages. This fellow is thinking ahead and being honest about what he fears and trying to make sure it doesn’t come to pass out of caring.

Yes, I said out of caring. People who enjoy working out tend to think it the best thing they have ever done and they feel great. They want to share that fit and happy feeling with everyone else. He’s the type of man who likes a fit woman and he knows that about himself. He wants to share his passion for fitness with OP and ensure that he will always find her physically attractive. He’s actually trying to ensure the future of their relationship.

As for me, I gained some baby weight after my boy was born and it snowballed from there until I hit 220. I was upset we weren’t intimate as much as we used to be and that the DH lacked enthusiasm. After weeks of me bringing it up and him making lame excuses, my DH finally told me that he loved me, was attracted to me as a person, but that the extra weight made me less physically attractive. He also said he’d gained some weight and wanted to look and feel better about himself, too. So, we changed the household menu and got a gym membership.

I think the real worry here is that this is an energetic guy who is into physical, mental, and spiritual fitness as a way of life. If the OP is not into that lifestyle they may not be compatible.

You are talking about mutual communication about a present issue in which the couple arrives at mutual motivation to change in order to reach a mutually-agreed upon goal. The OP’s boyfriend doesn’t see the difference between his view of the way he would ideally like to do things and The Right Way to Live. He doesn’t want to adjust his approach with her because she has let him know that his present method hurts her feelings. The real worry is that he doesn’t see that there is a difference between his way and the RIGHT way AND his girlfriend is starting to feel bad about herself even though he says she is presently satisfactory because of his method of “improving” her! Wow, that is a bad combination!

Imagine, for a moment, what her life and feelings about herself are going to be if she actually does have a substantial weight gain–which she hasn’t!–and especially if she can’t get the weight off. Also, consider that his “goals” don’t stop at the physical. This guy has an “ideal” outlined in his head that he thinks is what people “ought” to do that has to do with a lot more than physical fitness.

She ought to run.

 

[Maine52]

I’ve been following this thread for some time, and I agree with everyone who said this is a red flag and the OP needs to seriously reconsider her relationship with this man. HOWEVER…

Before we call the man a jerk, pig, etc. and tell the this girl to run and not look back, we need to remember that all we have to go by is one post by the OP. There are a lot of ins and outs of the relationship that we don’t know. It is also hard to get a complete point across through typing on an internet forum. We don’t know what “several times” means or the exact context and tone of the conversation. True, this issue may be something serious that can’t be worked out, but we can’t say that for sure with the amount of information we have.

OP, I would take the advice given on here for what it’s worth and then seek the advice of a trusted friend or family member who knows you and your boyfriend personally. I would also consult a priest whom you trust (in my experiences, not all priests are able to give sound advice). And keep praying. Ask the Holy Spirit for His wisdom. God bless. :angel1:

 

[Cider]

It’s 5 pounds. Sorry but no I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to bring it up repeatedly and ask her how many miles she ran if she doesn’t want to run.

 

[LongingSoul]

I find this very interesting how different people make different observations. In her original post she mentioned that she and her boyfriend had discussed this “several” times. I interpreted that to mean 4 or 5 times. That seemed reasonable to me for them to bring up discussions over their concerns for the future and his concerns about her weight and health.

I wouldn’t consider that “over and over” again but for all I know he has been nagging her 50 or 60 times! All of us will interpret her only post in different ways but I guess that’s all we have to go on. I didn’t get the impression that he was pestering her but I could be wrong of course. God bless.

I understood from the original post that it was their conversations about how hurtful his comments were that they’d “tried and failed at several times”. The comments themselves seem to be an ongoing theme. She also says she *doesn’t want to *lose weight which could suggest that his expectations of healthy mean being able to look amazing in a bikini rather than just being physically healthy. I know a lot of girls think that way too but one can be very robustly healthy without being stick thin.

My daughter is a bit of a gym junkie and her idea of what looks good for a man for example, is drastically different to mine. I think muscles more than those gained through manual labour, are unatractive on a human being, but she really likes it.

If they have a pattern of ‘failing’ at such an important discussion, it doesn’t seem like a hopeful start for a lifetime together.