SIL is acting like 'miss holier than thou'

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AmberDale:
I really appreciate all your responses! I do. I like a lot of the ideas.

I’m going to try the Jesus Box. Because I do get frustrated but don’t want to convey it in an angry manner to her. I need to give it to God.

Is ‘offering it up’ like telling God to take it away? What does that statement mean?

I’m trying very hard to realize it’s only temporary. So sometimes I just take a deep breath, close my eyes (so I don’t cry) and walk away. (I open my eyes before I start walking because I’d run into a wall 🙂 )
I guess it’s frustrating for me because I am very used to not having anyone around, and I don’t feel like it’s my home anymore. Where technically it’s not. We are sharing are home, with it sharing responsiblities. But it’s hard.
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You are doing great! 👍 Hang in there. It would be a trying situation, even for a saint.

“Offering it up” means accepting the suffering or difficulty. Yes, pray that it will get better. But sometimes things get better because we change and learn to accept (rather than struggle against) what we can’t change.

Sometimes it helps to pray the “Serenity Prayer”. I think it is from Alcoholics Anonymous–though that is not where I discovered it! (LOL). I can’t find the exact wording right now but it goes:

“Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
 
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LSK:
I’m also going to make my now famous ‘Jesus Box’ suggestion for you - get a shoe box, cut a whole in the top of it, and tape the top to the box. get a blank piece of paper and start writing all your frustrations about her on it. Do not worry about how it sounds, spelling, grammar, syntax, etc…it might go, “dear Lord, there she goes again, wearing that skirt, like I’m not a girl, what like she’s better than me? I almost hate her God and I know I’m not suppose to but she is driving me nuts and if she says anything about those video games again I am going to make her eat them” you get the idea. When you are done, kneel down, put the paper in front of you and pray: “Jesus, here it is. It is what I am feeling and I cannot change it. Please, Jesus. You need to take these feelings and help me because I am powerless.” Then put the paper in the box, put the box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet where no one can ‘accidently’ find it and then go about your business…if you need to do it over and over and over again…do it.
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um, if you’re going to write it down and keep it, be prepared for someone to find it, read it, and be terribly, terribly hurt by it. i’d suggest burning it. then you get it out of your system by writing it down and it’s gone for good. nothing left to cause hurt feelings.
 
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lgatny:
um, if you’re going to write it down and keep it, be prepared for someone to find it, read it, and be terribly, terribly hurt by it. i’d suggest burning it. then you get it out of your system by writing it down and it’s gone for good. nothing left to cause hurt feelings.
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that’s the safest way yet! the only reason I don’t burn my writings is sometimes there are so many of them the fire department would be parked outside my house for days…:dancing:
 
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LSK:
that’s the safest way yet! the only reason I don’t burn my writings is sometimes there are so many of them the fire department would be parked outside my house for days…:dancing:
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Well, I guess that eliminates the other method of destruction–eating the message to destroy it!

… how about a paper shredder?

Although, kidding aside, I use a similar technique to what LSK suggests–of course, I keep my writings well hidden. It actually helps to take out what I wrote long afterward when the emotions have cleared and re-read what I have written. Sometimes re-reading reminds me how bad the situation really was and often, I can see more clearly the part that I played in escalating a bad situation.
 
two years is about 23 months too long of having in-laws living with you. get the Saturday paper with the real-estate and apartment ads and help them start looking.
 
AmberDale–You have taken on a great deal with admirable charity, self-restraint and generosity. I can only imagine how grating this constant running commentary can become, but I would advise letting it roll in one ear and out the other with little impact in between unless you really hear something of value.

As others have observed, your poor SIL is no doubt having self-esteem issues–she is homeless and destitute w/o you and your husband’s charity–how much more humbled/humiliated can you be? Listen without confrontation–the information she shares may be her attempt to seem competent and self-sufficient in the absence of any other validation. If she truly crosses the line and offends/hurts you, kindly let her know she has done so and give her the chance to make reparation.

Your patience and indulgence in this matter, especially when offered up, will undoubtedly be a source of great blessing to you and your husband–not to mention a beautiful example for your children. Keep close to the Blessed Mother for strength, wisdom and patience–She never fails.
 
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puzzleannie:
two years is about 23 months too long of having in-laws living with you. get the Saturday paper with the real-estate and apartment ads and help them start looking.
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Exactly what I was thinking. I give this situation a 50% chance of ruining the OP’s marriage.
 
Island Oak:
AmberDale–You have taken on a great deal with admirable charity, self-restraint and generosity. I can only imagine how grating this constant running commentary can become, but I would advise letting it roll in one ear and out the other with little impact in between unless you really hear something of value.

As others have observed, your poor SIL is no doubt having self-esteem issues–she is homeless and destitute w/o you and your husband’s charity–how much more humbled/humiliated can you be? Listen without confrontation–the information she shares may be her attempt to seem competent and self-sufficient in the absence of any other validation. If she truly crosses the line and offends/hurts you, kindly let her know she has done so and give her the chance to make reparation.

Your patience and indulgence in this matter, especially when offered up, will undoubtedly be a source of great blessing to you and your husband–not to mention a beautiful example for your children. Keep close to the Blessed Mother for strength, wisdom and patience–She never fails.
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I agree with this advice whole-heartedly. I don’t know which would be worse, to share my home or to have to live with other’s for a time. I think I’d rather be the one sharing, but that would be so very difficult too when you are use to being the lady of the house, somehow I don’t think two women in one house is a good idea unless one of them stays out of the decision making unless asked. I will keep you all in my prayers, and I would tell her in private times how very hurtful some of the things she says to you make you feel, maybe if she knew, she’d stop. However, if she is doing it on purpose to make you feel uncomfortable, then she’d be the last person I would tell, I’d offer it up and just let it roll off my back and smile at her and thank her for her opinion and then just do it my way.
 
I can’t even imagine how annying a position you are in, especially in your own home. She is going through a phase in her faith where she wants everyone to convert because she is so excited about it, she wants everyone to see it exactly the way she does. I know it probably doesn’t help to know that this is a phase where she is still maturing in her faith. A close friend of mine who converted to the church about 5 years ago went through this as well (trying to light a fire under every Catholic’s behind to get them to adhere to all the same pious traditions she did) I explained to her that there are hundreds of pious traditions and none of them are mandatory, they are there to help us express our faith and focus on, or become more devout in those aspects of the Church that speak to our individual hearts. Not everyone will be drawn to the paths of the same saints. Some of us may be a “Little Flower” type and some of us may be a St. Francis, or a John Bosco. I know this probably isn’t much consolation.

When she brings it up again I would just smile a patient smile and say “How nice that you have found a personal way to express your faith!” You can also think of various positive ways to say this, and even share the pious traditions you may feel called to, or saints you enjoy, prayers that are special to you, etc.

If she complains that you don’t sew or that you arent’ wearing dresses, Just smile and say “It’s nice that you have found a personal way to express your femininity. I feel called to wear comfortable, modest, properly fitted clothing for my vocation as a wife and mother. I’m just glad that Jesus notices a person’s soul and intent rather than their clothing. 🙂 " I think it’s great that you express yourself with dresses though!”

If she starts mentioning that you should sew your children’s clothing ask her if she is volunteering because you would rather spend precious time with your husband when he is home from work.

When she mentions your hobbies, just say “I thank God that we have found a fun way to unwind and relax together after a hard day’s work! It’s like a date, being able to spend time just doing something silly and fun together. That time just kicking back and enjoying each other’s company with a game is a great way to bond” (You get the picture) Then you could change the conversation by asking her what hobbies she and her husband enjoy. When she tells you, gush over how wonderful it is that they can have so much fun unwinding, sharing their hobby, etc. Try to turn everything into something positive.

She is probably having a hard time not being the head hen in the coop, and is looking for a way to make a nest in somone else’s home. As nice and wonderfully welcoming as you are, it is probably still hard on her to not have her own home, and she may even feel indebted to you and uncomfortable about that.
 
I am guessing they don’t have alot of money to spend on clothing? Maybe part of this is trying not to have jealous or sad feelings that they have such a modest budget for clothing, and she is going a little overboard to make herself feel better about it.
 
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LSK:
get a shoe box, cut a whole in the top of it, and tape the top to the box. get a blank piece of paper and start writing all your frustrations about her on it. Do not worry about how it sounds, spelling, grammar, syntax, etc…it might go, “dear Lord, there she goes again, wearing that skirt, like I’m not a girl, what like she’s better than me? I almost hate her God and I know I’m not suppose to but she is driving me nuts and if she says anything about those video games again I am going to make her eat them” you get the idea. When you are done, kneel down, put the paper in front of you and pray: “Jesus, here it is. It is what I am feeling and I cannot change it. Please, Jesus. You need to take these feelings and help me because I am powerless.” Then put the paper in the box, put the box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet where no one can ‘accidently’ find it and then go about your business…if you need to do it over and over and over again…do it.
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This is even better than my prayer to leave people and/ or problems at the foot of the cross…sometimes with duct tape.😉
 
Personally, I am of the same mind as puzzleannie: Better a dry crust in a corner of the roof with peace, than feasting in a great house with strife; or to paraphrase, better a one-room studio apartment where the lady of the house still gets to be lady of the house and wear her hand-crafted skirts and you get to wear pants, than everybody living together in one house with the beginnings of aggravation that stand a good chance of causing problems for all concerned in the long run. If they, and you and yours, can afford to live separately, even if SIL and crew have to live in a teeny apartment with a toilet down the hall in a rough neighborhood and that’s all they can afford, they (and you) are better off in the long run there than with you.

THAT SAID…I have had live-in family. It is the making of saints. I have had my bedroom painted a color I couldn’t stand, without my permission. I have been moved into another bedroom in my own home (and back again), without my consent. I have had my kitchen cabinets re-arranged for a tall person, so that I could not reach a thing without a stool and tongs (I am 5ft. 4-ish). I have had my washing machine mangled, and my walls colored with permanent markers. I have encountered huge phone bills, not made by me, not to mention pay-per-view of things I wouldn’t watch on a bet. I have also had to swallow my pride and live with my parents at one point in my adult life for 7 months. It wasn’t pretty. I could do NOTHING to please my mother in any way, except give her my weekly rent check. I could not parent properly, work properly, do chores properly, or even drive properly.

Yes, you are generous. God bless you and your husband for your generosity. May He also protect you both.

Yes, SIL is probably feeling very displaced, and not just a little envious. Yes, it is nice to invite them to play games at a game night, or have everybody even go to Mass together on Sunday.

The dress/skirt thing is just so Bayside (a heresy of recent occurence)!!!

It doesn’t replace having her own place, where she is the grown-up mom in charge of her children. It doesn’t replace your needing your own place while you are in your own place, and having what are really family (unpaid position of filial proportions) who are boarders (business proposition), not houseguests.

You don’t explain WHY this situation has to be for 2 years, and that is your business. If there is any way to make it less than 2 years, you should do everything in your power to make it so.

If you have not done so already, please all of you sit down together and make clearly-defined, written rules. Also write down what will happen when rules are violated. And for sure, put in a paragraph about their exit date. Everybody (adult) signs them. It might not be legally binding where you live, but the written word helps people put into the concrete what is abstract.

In the end, you and your husband determine if the in-laws are so intolerable that it’s time for them to go. It would not be wrong to say, “We’ve enjoyed this, but we really need you guys to find your own place by (insert date here)” if it gets to the point where you can no longer stand having them in your home.

In the meantime, pick your battles, Sweetheart. I really like the Jesus box. “Offer it up” if you can, take a long walk if possible when you can’t, and don’t let her get the best of you.
 
Wow…if anyone here is a good catholic…it’s you. Your SIL seems to be picking up on this new puritan strain trying to enter the church. Next thing you know they’ll want everyone in the stocks …who isn’t thinking or acting ‘their way’.

Try to ignore her remarks and offer up the rest. Sounds like she can ‘re-learn’ her faith by watching you. She is ungrateful and uncharitable. Sounds like she might be a bit jealous of you…and your goodness. It’s goodness inside…not what you wear on the outside that matters.

See if you hubby can find them someplace else to stay…while you’re still sane…God bless…adding a prayer for you tonight!
 
A couple of comments may help.

You say your sister is returning to the Faith?

There is no one so reactionary as a revolutionary who has achieved their objective. although you may not see her as a revolutionary, she has gone through one. Suddenly she has decided that she has to express this faith she has awakened to; what she is not particularly good at is distinguishing between essentials and peripherals.

Modesty is important. Erring on the side of excessive focus on modesty is often an indicator of other issues, often related to excesses in the other extreme. Have patience with her - she’s trying. Very trying at times, perhaps, but trying.

Remember too that there are more flies drawn to honey than to vinegar. Telling her off will feel good initially. In the end it tends to leave a sour taste in the mouth - and the soul.

Humor works wonders, as well as agreeing with her. There is truth in much of what she says. Not the whole truth. Just truth. Maybe only a little nugget; or maybe only a loose thread, since she sews… but it is there. Somewhere. Agreeing with her - even vigorously, can have positive results. It also tends to shut people up when you agree with them, as underneath it all, they often are spoiling for an argument; take it away and it defuses the baloon.
Remember also, that you are in charge of your attitutde. If she is getting you down, it is because you are letting her do that; you are reacting to her, instead of choosing to not react to her.

Most of us just live each moment as it comes, not stepping bak mentally and looking at what is going on, but instead reacting. She has you reacting. She pulls your chain, and your light comes on. Automatic pilot.

You can choose not to react. You can choose not to be belittled. or You can choose to continue as you have been, leaving your goat out there, showing her where you tied it.

If you get tired of the game, you can change the rules. Your call. You are not in charge of her; but you can be in charge of your self, and your attitutde.
 
Wow, that’s a lot to take in. 🙂 You guys are very helpful.

She is helping us with some of the bills, well no. She is helping pay 1/2 of our mortgage. That’s it. She isn’t splitting any of the other bills (phone, gas, utilities). But that was part of the deal.
Recently our mortgage doubled, because the mortgage company didn’t take out enough escrow. So now we are paying back escrow, and current escrow. So she needed a place to stay, and we needed to find a way to get more money. The mortgage should drop in a year, but not to what it used to be I suspect. Then the other year is so her husband can finish school. My dh is also returning to school, but he is still going to work. Her husband does not work, he goes to school and stays with the kids.
She works 36 hours a week (overnights), and homeschools her kids. She is a good mother, the best for her kids. But not for my kids. (does that make sense?)

So if my husband and I decide that this situation will not work, we have 2 options
  1. have them move, then we have to move also because until my dh finishes his degree we won’t afford the double mortgage.
  2. have them move and have me get another job. I currently already work 40 hours a week, and feel like I don’t see my kids enough.
Eventually if this all works out like we plan, then I will be able to stay home full time or at least most of the time with my babies.
Of course God’s plan isn’t always what we want it to be.
 
Well guys - it’s been 15 months since they moved in. They are moving next month!! 😃 We have managed for over a year and now they are moving into their very own home!!! 👍 It’s going to be good for them, and for us!!
I’m very excited 🙂
Things didn’t get any better but didn’t get worse. Well once it did, I found drawings on my wall, that my 3 1/2 and 2 year old did not make. How do I know this? They were A’s and J’s, not scribbles (kids names start with A’s and J’s)
SIL was sleeping (she works 3rds and had to work that night). I had to come home before a DR appt. DH was with me. We see the wall and told the BIL. He didn’t do anything!! That made me so mad. He didn’t even ask the kids who did it. I got so boiled I yelled! I have not “yelled” since they lived with me. It became a screaming match between us 3 because he was not listening. He claimed he did not know who did it so no one should get in trouble. We told him then they all get in trouble and afterwards the one(s) who did not do it would find out who did. :mad:
We actually woke up the sleepyhead, she came down and disciplined her kids. That’s all I wanted for an adult to make them know it’s wrong. They are too old to be doing such things.

Have mentioned they are moving?? 👍 :cool: 😃
 
Zippity-do-dah dance is in order!!!:dancing:

And be sure to wear jeans if you help them move…
 
AmberDale said:
I’m going to try the Jesus Box. Because I do get frustrated but don’t want to convey it in an angry manner to her. I need to give it to God.

I hope you don’t! That was the most awful idea I’ve ever heard! How many times should I forgive my neighbor? Jesus said 70 times 7 - basically infinity times. I’m not sure how He would respond to all that anger and whining …?

Don’t you realize how badly she feels about herself having to live off of your charity? Having to be always indebted to you, with absolutely no way of ever paying you back.

Why don’t you try a different approach, just for one week. I bet this gets her to stop. Everytime she makes a comment you don’t like, find something to THANK HER or APRECIATE HER for. Fight fire with kindness and love. “Love never fails.”

She is being that way towards you because she feels bad about her self. Any criticism of her, or contrary comment from you, will just make her feel worse, and make her react even more strongly next time. Instead, if when she comments you say to yourself "oh, she must be feeling bad about herself now, let me see how I can help her feel better. " Then say something positive towards her. You will help her to feel more comfortable, and less indebted to you, and then she won’t have that need to raise herself up by putting you down.

Things you might say, which are true could be " You know, I really admire your convictions." “Your dress does look lovely on you.” "That skirt is so flattering on your daughter, and to think that you sewd it yourself. Do you think you would have time to make one for my daughter soon? I would be ever so grateful to you. " Compliment her on everything, and give her a chance to help you in non-financial ways. This will help her feel more easy, and she will relax her criticism of you.
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AmberDale said:
YingYang-

I have told her on several occasions that she will raise her children her way and I will raise mine our way.
She homeschools (which my husband and I are still discerning if that’s what we will do. But not based on her doing it) and so she thinks she knows everything about my children’s development. And how they will be.
My 2 year old sometimes likes to use the big crayons like Joe has on “Blues Clues” for his notebook. She criticized that saying that he will have a hard time transitioning to a pencil because her son did.
I said “1. Lincoln uses pens and regular crayons just fine, and he likes to use the big crayons for his notebook. 2. If you let me raise my children the way I see fit we will get along just fine”
She actually looked stunned. I was like what? She said, she wished she had the courage to say such things when her kids were little like that.

I believe it is my responsibility to raise my kids. So if my kids are up, I am up. I don’t depend on her to take care of my kids. If I go somewhere my kids go with me, unless it had been arranged.
I stand up for what I think is right for my kids. When it comes to little things or big things.
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As someone who works in a school setting, I can tell you that I PREFER my kinder students to have fat crayons. I’d prefer them to have fat pencils, but I try not to push my luck.

In fact, 9 time out of 10 there is no transition difficulty at all and if there is it isn’t because of fat crayons, that’s just silly.
 
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