Yes… getting a good sense of what qualifies for grave matter is a good guideline I think. And also realizing where sin ends and imperfections and simple freedom of choice begins.
I’m running into so many people with scruples on this forums I’m going to have to give it a thorough study at this rate.
The Letters of
St. John of Avila contain a letter or two of advice to a lady with scruples.
ON SCRUPLES, ADDRESSED TO A LADY.
It is very plain, my dear sister, that you cannot bear being put to the test, nor have you yet emerged from spiritual childhood, for when your heavenly Bridegroom ceases to smile on you, you immediately imagine He is displeased with you. Where are the signal favours which you received from His blessed Hand as a pledge of His special love for you. Ought you so soon to forget how He has cherished you. Or to believe that God would lightly withdraw affection He bestowed so fully? Why did He grant so many proofs of it, if not to make you trust Him? Be assured that He loves you, even if He does not show it at the present moment. You need not fear deception on this point, for, as I have often told you, our love for God should not cause us excessive sadness whenever we commit some venial sin. If this were necessary, who would ever be at rest or peace, for we are all sinners? May our Lord give you grace to lean on Him and rejoice in Him, placing your wounds in His, that you may be healed and comforted, however violent and painful your hurt may be.
How long will you continue your minute self-examinations? It is like raking up a dustheap from which nothing can come but rubbish and unpleasantness. Feel sure of this, that it is not for your own merits, but for those of Jesus crucified, that you are loved and made whole. Do not give way to such discouragement about your faults, the results will show you how displeasing it is to God. It would be far better to be courageous and strong-hearted. Meditate on the benefits you have received through Jesus Christ in the past and possess now; reflect on them in such a manner as to lead you to sorrow for your sins against Him and to avoid offending Him, without losing your peace and patience if you happen to fall. As I have often repeated, God loves you as you are. Be content that His love should come from His goodness, and not from your merits. What does it matter to a bride if she is not beautiful, if the bridegroom’s affection for her makes her seem so in his eyes. If you look only on yourself, you will loathe yourself and your many defects will take away all your courage.
What more have you to wish for? In heaven there is One to Whom you appear all fair, for He looks at you through the apertures of the Wounds He received for you: by these He gives you grace, and supplies what is lacking in you, healing you and making you lovely. Be at peace : you are indeed the handmaid of the crucified Christ: forget your past misdoings as if they had never been. I tell you, in God’s name, as I have done before, that such is His holy will. Run swiftly on your way with a light foot, like one who has thrown a heavy burden off his shoulders, which hindered his course. If the longed-for quiet does not come at once, do not distress yourself; sometimes one travels farther in a storm than in a calm, and war gains more merits than peace. He Who redeemed you will guide you aright so that you may be safe. Trust in Him; He has given you many reasons to do so; and when you consider your own defects, consider also the depths of His mercy which will help you far more than thinking about your deficiencies. May God’s mercy shelter you beneath His everlasting love, as I desire, and pray, and trust that it may, and for this I bid you hope. Recommend me to the same Lord for the sake of His love.
And later, from another letter…
Your scruples about confession are temptations by which the devil tries to deprive you of spiritual joy, and rob you of your pleasure in the things of God. A scrupulous soul is not fit to trust or to love God, and as it does not find what satisfies it in Him, is not contented with the way by which He leads it, and forsakes Him to seek its happiness elsewhere: it commits the fatal error of raising a storm where there was a calm. It follows its own conceits, and not God’s way, which is always sweet and simple. Treat your anxieties as a jest; obey your confessor’s advice; do not give way to your own judgment. You must not allow your scruples to influence you, but say “God is not scrupulous. I do what is commanded me in His holy name, and that is all I have to answer for.” Lose no time in acquiring the love of God, my dear Sister, and you will soon get rid of scruples, which spring from a timorous heart, for " perfect love casteth out fear." Cry to our Lord: “Deus meus illumina tenebras meas,”
“O my God enlighten my darkness,” and trust to His merciful goodness, that whilst you serve Him He will deign to give you more grace to see your faults and amend them. As for your thoughts of vain glory, laugh at them too, and say to them, “I am not doing this action on your account, nor will I cease doing it because of you. O my God, it is to Thee I offer all that I do, all that I say, all that I think!” When the temptation returns, say: “Thou hast come too late, the work is already given to God.”
