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CarolAnnSFO
Guest
Try being a not-very-attractive woman in a society where most men worship the false gods of Physical Attractiveness and Physical Chemistry. Now add in 50+ years of age. That ought to do it. 
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Mperea75
Guest
Take heart about being single at 32. I have a very very dear friend of my Fiance and I who did not get married untill she was 42 and the man she married was 35 so maybe the person you are going supposed to marry (if that your vocation that God calls you too) is not ready to meet you yet cause of things in his life. Maybe you should pray for him and remember Godās time is deffanlty different than our time. I have come to realize this more and more as I draw closer to entering into a covanent with my bride to be. I will continue to pray for you.
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agapewolf
Guest
It doesnāt seem that many people actually READ what I wrote.
I did not want the advice about ābe patient , Godās timeāā¦I already said that. That is NOT what this was about.
Itās about the peace. Peace of living as a single person right now, when I am designed for marriage. Itās not about waiting
Peace of living the single vocation forever, if I am forced to do so, because it would not be freely chosen. Becasue I am highly extroverted.
I did not want the advice about ābe patient , Godās timeāā¦I already said that. That is NOT what this was about.
Itās about the peace. Peace of living as a single person right now, when I am designed for marriage. Itās not about waiting
Peace of living the single vocation forever, if I am forced to do so, because it would not be freely chosen. Becasue I am highly extroverted.
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Candidate_Kurt
Guest
Okay, you got me there. By the way, I am also 50+. My intended (in spite of Church teaching) is rapidly approaching that landmark, and neither one of us will be gracing a fashion magazine any time soon.
Difficult? Oh my, yes. Not impossible, though. Of course, if we actually limit ourselves to be previously unmarried, youāre right, itās a virtual wasteland out there. Itās just one more reason why the Church needs to be more forgiving in this arena. The Episcopals āget itā. The Orthodox āget itā. The Lutherans āget itā. Why canāt Rome?
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agapewolf
Guest
Kurt,
I can see you have a legitimate thread, and you deserve to talk about it on the forums, but I respectfully ask you start a new thread. This has been officially hijacked, and I really wanted a conversation about the subject I proposed.
I can see you have a legitimate thread, and you deserve to talk about it on the forums, but I respectfully ask you start a new thread. This has been officially hijacked, and I really wanted a conversation about the subject I proposed.
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beckers
Guest
You have a completely different outlook on life because of your experience with your divorce. i have a completely different out look on life because of my parents divorced.
Could i be married by now? Yes. I could marry a man who is completely wrong for me simply to fit into what society says we should be and what i feel that my calling in life will beā¦marriage. The problem is i donāt want to end up like my parents. I donāt want my childern (god willing if i have some) to have to go through the heartache and pain of a divorce. i am lucky.My parents were mature enough to relaize that my sister and i came first. And that is why to this day they still talk to each other. As my dadās mom told my mother āMY son may have divorced you but you are still our daughterā.
Am i bitter sometimes about being single? Of course. I feel a calling towards a particular vocation but canāt at the moment fullfill that vocation but then i see my friends getting to fullfill that vocation and it sometimes leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Itās like will it ever be my turn? Is this truly the calling i am suppose to live? Have a descerned incorrectly and should therefore go into the relgious life?
Some days are better then others. Some days i embrace being single because i get to go out and do things on the spur of the moment and then some times i get very sad in the fact that i eat by myself or the fact that i hae no one to turn to decompress from the day or to vent my feels too. Friends can only help you so much or they only have so much time for you or they have their own families to deal with.
Even with in the Chruch i some time feel at a lost. I would love to do a bible study but i canāt do it at 10am in the morning. i am not a stay at home momā¦though i would love to be one. I feel like i am in a holding pattern and there is no gurantee that i will get out of it anytime soon. Coming to gain peace and accept this calling at the moment is a cross that i am learning to carry.
Could i be married by now? Yes. I could marry a man who is completely wrong for me simply to fit into what society says we should be and what i feel that my calling in life will beā¦marriage. The problem is i donāt want to end up like my parents. I donāt want my childern (god willing if i have some) to have to go through the heartache and pain of a divorce. i am lucky.My parents were mature enough to relaize that my sister and i came first. And that is why to this day they still talk to each other. As my dadās mom told my mother āMY son may have divorced you but you are still our daughterā.
Am i bitter sometimes about being single? Of course. I feel a calling towards a particular vocation but canāt at the moment fullfill that vocation but then i see my friends getting to fullfill that vocation and it sometimes leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Itās like will it ever be my turn? Is this truly the calling i am suppose to live? Have a descerned incorrectly and should therefore go into the relgious life?
Some days are better then others. Some days i embrace being single because i get to go out and do things on the spur of the moment and then some times i get very sad in the fact that i eat by myself or the fact that i hae no one to turn to decompress from the day or to vent my feels too. Friends can only help you so much or they only have so much time for you or they have their own families to deal with.
Even with in the Chruch i some time feel at a lost. I would love to do a bible study but i canāt do it at 10am in the morning. i am not a stay at home momā¦though i would love to be one. I feel like i am in a holding pattern and there is no gurantee that i will get out of it anytime soon. Coming to gain peace and accept this calling at the moment is a cross that i am learning to carry.
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beckers
Guest
I am not sure how to gain the peace. I am on the young side of this converstation as i am only 26. But i apperciate you starting this thread. I have been pondering on how to gain this peace for a few months now. I have tried to talk to my friends about it but they just sayā¦keep waitingā¦ your turn will happen. Thats not what i need. i need some pratical advice.
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CarolAnnSFO
Guest
Itās definitely important to let go of the āholding patternā feeling. You are not in a holding pattern ā this is your life, right now. I used to feel the same way, but I knew I had to stop when I realized that this status just may be permanent.
I can identify with the situations you mentioned ā nobody to share the day with, groups like Bible study only being held during housewifeās hours (and the evening groups are for men!) or friends being too busy with their family matters to bother with single people.
This is a cross to carry, and it isnāt made any easier by having to deal with all of our societyās misconceptions about single people (the way some folks talk, youād think they were born married.
) I still havenāt fully learned how to carry it. Itās a little easier with Jesusā help. But for better or worse, this is my life, and I try to make as much of it as I can.
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beckers
Guest
Thank you. Atleast i feel like someone else has been there or atleast understands. I swear my friends donāt remember what it is like to be single. I am in a little of a werid situation just because my close circle of friends have all hooked up with each other. I can handle being the 3rd or 5th wheel but i canāt handle for very long be the 13th wheel. It just gets over whelming to be around so many couples.Itās definitely important to let go of the āholding patternā feeling. You are not in a holding pattern ā this is your life, right now. I used to feel the same way, but I knew I had to stop when I realized that this status just may be permanent.
I can identify with the situations you mentioned ā nobody to share the day with, groups like Bible study only being held during housewifeās hours (and the evening groups are for men!) or friends being too busy with their family matters to bother with single people.
This is a cross to carry, and it isnāt made any easier by having to deal with all of our societyās misconceptions about single people (the way some folks talk, youād think they were born married.
I really force myself to get out of the holding pattern when i feel like it is closing in.I do get out and have a very active (too active according to some of my friends) social life.I have never let myself not do something just because i donāt have someone i am dating. If i want to go to the movies or the museum then I call up one of my guy friends and we will go. BUT sometimes when i step back i look and say is this it? Will i be doing this for the rest of my life? Will i have to have a new cycle of single friends to hang out with to do things with or will i be able to have someone to lean on and support. Will I have that someone who will laugh at the stupid things i do, someone who will argue with me, someone who will love me just for me being me?
for me at the moment i am learning to be comfortable with my status at not try to force God to act.
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LSK
Guest
honey the rules arenāt silly because people chose not to follow them, just like the Truth is not false because some people do not believe it.
The key to all of this is, I believe, the spiritual axioms of both acceptance and obedience.
I am a 51 year old widow who wanted to have children, be a married lady with grandkids some day, etc etc etc. I wanted it so much that at times I thought about going against Church teachings in order to fullfill what certainly was a good thing because, after all, I wanted it so much. And I would have been a good mother - ten times better than so many women I saw around me, I was sure - and I would have been such a good wife this time aroundā¦after all, I was young when my husband died 20 years ago and by the time I got sober, back in the Church and began to deepen my faith I would be such an incredible catch and good motherā¦how could God NOT be calling me to that vocation?
At some point in my journey I decided to consecrate my entire self to The Trinity and to place myself under the protection of Our Lady. That meant all my wants, desires, hopes and dreams. That meant accepting whatever was on my plate just that day as being Godās Will for me. That meant obedience to the laws of The Church, even though it meant lonely nights and being the lone single woman at the table during the Knights of Columbus Fish Fry during Lent.
Since making that decision my life has been richer and fuller than I ever dreamed it would be - it is simply NOT the life I thought I would have; in all honesty, it is a life that is second to none, so it must be the Life GOD wanted me to haveā¦
Hang in there, peopleā¦remember, as widows, orphans etc. we are TREASURES of the Churchā¦St. Lawrence said so and he got killed for defending our place in the layityā¦
The key to all of this is, I believe, the spiritual axioms of both acceptance and obedience.
I am a 51 year old widow who wanted to have children, be a married lady with grandkids some day, etc etc etc. I wanted it so much that at times I thought about going against Church teachings in order to fullfill what certainly was a good thing because, after all, I wanted it so much. And I would have been a good mother - ten times better than so many women I saw around me, I was sure - and I would have been such a good wife this time aroundā¦after all, I was young when my husband died 20 years ago and by the time I got sober, back in the Church and began to deepen my faith I would be such an incredible catch and good motherā¦how could God NOT be calling me to that vocation?
At some point in my journey I decided to consecrate my entire self to The Trinity and to place myself under the protection of Our Lady. That meant all my wants, desires, hopes and dreams. That meant accepting whatever was on my plate just that day as being Godās Will for me. That meant obedience to the laws of The Church, even though it meant lonely nights and being the lone single woman at the table during the Knights of Columbus Fish Fry during Lent.
Since making that decision my life has been richer and fuller than I ever dreamed it would be - it is simply NOT the life I thought I would have; in all honesty, it is a life that is second to none, so it must be the Life GOD wanted me to haveā¦
Hang in there, peopleā¦remember, as widows, orphans etc. we are TREASURES of the Churchā¦St. Lawrence said so and he got killed for defending our place in the layityā¦
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chevalier
Guest
Orthodox marriages are valid. In fact, an Orthodox marriage would be illicit but valid for Catholics. However, if she excluded indissolubility, the marriage may be invalid.
Besides, Iām not an expert on Orthodox theology, but I donāt think they should look at it like that. They allow remarriage in a penitential rite and they probably see divorce as a sin, not something you have every right to do. At any rate, tried with the church tribunal?
Besides, Iām not an expert on Orthodox theology, but I donāt think they should look at it like that. They allow remarriage in a penitential rite and they probably see divorce as a sin, not something you have every right to do. At any rate, tried with the church tribunal?
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chevalier
Guest
@Alison: It was not strenuous to read your post at all. In fact, Iām glad youāve had the opportunity to share your feelings. Iāll pray for you, of course. Iām in a similar situation, so I can relate.
@Beckers: Again, a similar situation. But you probably already know. Not only have most of my friends coupled up and most of my female friends married off or got engaged or similar, but it also seems that good Catholic girls my age tend to be married or en route. I canāt seem to come across single ones in a normal sitaution. Most of the time, my group of people for whatever purpose it is formed, will either have few available girls or few that could appeal to me. Classes in school, groups for study or recreational activity or whatever, whatever, whatever, you just name it. Strange, not? At the same time, they do seem to exist from just how many I see at public events. I actually get along with girls quite well and Iām considered a good catch. I actually turn heads. But Iām single, woah. It just doesnāt connect, or even a whooping beginning of an acquaintance doesnāt lead to romance, a romance doesnāt lead to a relationship, a relationship does not lead to engagement. My typical fare. I pray that I wonāt experience an engagement that doesnāt lead to marriage. Iāve recently been forced to drop my idea of how a relationship should form for me, additionally Iāve reconciled even with the idea of starting conversations with strangers, which I have considered to be not so great style. Iāll see what happens, but Iām worrying. I canāt name a person. Or imagine circumstance where and when I could meet āthe right oneā. But maybe thatās what God wants me to do - drop my imaginations and stop trying manually to drive my life on my own. His will be done. Heāll pick me a better match than I ever could. Unless He wonāt, and wants me to do the picking, wherein Iām thankful for all guidance, but Iām not sure how much I can take. Oh well, with grace I can take all that comes, but you know the feeling. Have you ever had the feeling that maybe God is still preparing you? I certainly wouldnāt have wanted any Catholic girl to have bumped into a guy like I was even a couple of years ago - unless in comparison to a worse fate. Iām having a nudging feeling that maybe Heās doing some fixing and bringing me up a bit. Recently, Iāve felt a lot freer, a lot lighter in my head, and a bit more of a man. My antisocial habits have reduced, as well. Who knows. Maybe God sees me as capable of change and doesnāt want me to end up in a dead end but rather do some big changing and find a match according to what I am after the change, not before?
@Beckers: Again, a similar situation. But you probably already know. Not only have most of my friends coupled up and most of my female friends married off or got engaged or similar, but it also seems that good Catholic girls my age tend to be married or en route. I canāt seem to come across single ones in a normal sitaution. Most of the time, my group of people for whatever purpose it is formed, will either have few available girls or few that could appeal to me. Classes in school, groups for study or recreational activity or whatever, whatever, whatever, you just name it. Strange, not? At the same time, they do seem to exist from just how many I see at public events. I actually get along with girls quite well and Iām considered a good catch. I actually turn heads. But Iām single, woah. It just doesnāt connect, or even a whooping beginning of an acquaintance doesnāt lead to romance, a romance doesnāt lead to a relationship, a relationship does not lead to engagement. My typical fare. I pray that I wonāt experience an engagement that doesnāt lead to marriage. Iāve recently been forced to drop my idea of how a relationship should form for me, additionally Iāve reconciled even with the idea of starting conversations with strangers, which I have considered to be not so great style. Iāll see what happens, but Iām worrying. I canāt name a person. Or imagine circumstance where and when I could meet āthe right oneā. But maybe thatās what God wants me to do - drop my imaginations and stop trying manually to drive my life on my own. His will be done. Heāll pick me a better match than I ever could. Unless He wonāt, and wants me to do the picking, wherein Iām thankful for all guidance, but Iām not sure how much I can take. Oh well, with grace I can take all that comes, but you know the feeling. Have you ever had the feeling that maybe God is still preparing you? I certainly wouldnāt have wanted any Catholic girl to have bumped into a guy like I was even a couple of years ago - unless in comparison to a worse fate. Iām having a nudging feeling that maybe Heās doing some fixing and bringing me up a bit. Recently, Iāve felt a lot freer, a lot lighter in my head, and a bit more of a man. My antisocial habits have reduced, as well. Who knows. Maybe God sees me as capable of change and doesnāt want me to end up in a dead end but rather do some big changing and find a match according to what I am after the change, not before?
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beckers
Guest
Yepā¦All the timeā¦I think God has sheltered me in a sense from more heart ache. He knew that i had not a clue what love felt like and that i was a broken child since i didnāt even know or recongize him in my life. He wanted/wants me to heal and be open to receving his love. Thats why i hold hope that there is someone out there that he has planned for me BUT i canāt claim to know his will. Which is were my friends and i butt heads a little. I say i want to get married and they say oh you will and i alway say well maybe if that is Godās will. They just canāt imagine that i wouldnāt get married, while i have to accept that maybe that marriage isnāt my calling.
Now i also understand that out of this group that i might be the youngest and the least experienced. i mean i didnāt date in HS or college. Heck I didnāt even start pondering dating until a few years ago. I know that each one of my relationships has taught me something and formed me into the women i am today. Right now i am just dealing with a lot of emotions of exclusion in different parts of my life. And relationships falling into that catgergy.The thought of accepting that marriage may not be for me is something that is kind of new in my mind which is why i may be having these feelings of loniness. Even though with my inexperience i might be jumping the gun in a sense. Thats why i like talking to some people who have more knowledge or words of wisdom.
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chevalier
Guest
I think we make assumptions and a lot of them. Do we need experience for a successful marriage? Not necessarily. It can actually hurt. Will experience protect us? I donāt think so. Of course, God will teach us lessons through our relationships, or we will become more aware of what we like or dislike or how far weāre going to compromise (something you said), but I donāt think experience is a prerequisite for anything. We probably need to seek to find, but sometimes we may just need to wait. Iām not really proficient with this kind of speculation, actually.
I donāt think you lost much by not dating in HS or college. You probably scored better greats, grew more in your faith, assured a better future for yourself than if you had been spending time on social outings or chasing guys. Perhaps if you had otherwise met āthe right oneā, then yes, but in terms of experienceā¦ I donāt think so. Besides, the taste in men or women changes during that time and people mature, change as well. Itās hard to maintain a relationship and success isnāt always worth it, either. As for experience, wellā¦ nothing beats first-hand, I guess, but there are books. Catholic or psychological or other. Reading a lot about non-verbal communication helped me such a great deal. Well, and other things, too, other aspects of how people relate. Iām still single, though, sure. And really hoping thatās not my vocation, but rather marriage is. At any rate, if God has a vocation for me, Iād rather He changed me than changed His will.
Iāve recently had the thought that maybe if itās so difficult for young single Catholics to find someone, then maybe I need to pay my toll too and why should I be exceptional? Would I want God to make an exception for me because Iām weak or something like that? Despair is a sin anyway. I try to be optimistic. After all, Iāve already had such hopeless situations or moments that actually have solved.
If youāre still interested in my musings, then know that today, the readings at mass made me think that accepting Godās will makes you blessed and not accepting it makes you damned, Iād rather follow it and stop even thinking about ātaking matters in my own handsā because not only wonāt they work out well against Godās will, but they wonāt even work without Him. Without God, one canāt build anything. My fault might have been in not staying open to God and His inspirations but pushing things. This came just after I contacted a female friend of mine, so it might have been a caveat. If Iām practically praying for God to send me a wife from heaven, then I probably shouldnāt press matters on my own in such a manner as to push the first route found in the quickest concluding way. Maybe I need to accept the single fate, live in it for a number of years (again) and go for what comes of God and not of my doing?
I donāt think you lost much by not dating in HS or college. You probably scored better greats, grew more in your faith, assured a better future for yourself than if you had been spending time on social outings or chasing guys. Perhaps if you had otherwise met āthe right oneā, then yes, but in terms of experienceā¦ I donāt think so. Besides, the taste in men or women changes during that time and people mature, change as well. Itās hard to maintain a relationship and success isnāt always worth it, either. As for experience, wellā¦ nothing beats first-hand, I guess, but there are books. Catholic or psychological or other. Reading a lot about non-verbal communication helped me such a great deal. Well, and other things, too, other aspects of how people relate. Iām still single, though, sure.
And really hoping thatās not my vocation, but rather marriage is. At any rate, if God has a vocation for me, Iād rather He changed me than changed His will.Iāve recently had the thought that maybe if itās so difficult for young single Catholics to find someone, then maybe I need to pay my toll too and why should I be exceptional? Would I want God to make an exception for me because Iām weak or something like that? Despair is a sin anyway. I try to be optimistic. After all, Iāve already had such hopeless situations or moments that actually have solved.
If youāre still interested in my musings, then know that today, the readings at mass made me think that accepting Godās will makes you blessed and not accepting it makes you damned, Iād rather follow it and stop even thinking about ātaking matters in my own handsā because not only wonāt they work out well against Godās will, but they wonāt even work without Him. Without God, one canāt build anything. My fault might have been in not staying open to God and His inspirations but pushing things. This came just after I contacted a female friend of mine, so it might have been a caveat. If Iām practically praying for God to send me a wife from heaven, then I probably shouldnāt press matters on my own in such a manner as to push the first route found in the quickest concluding way. Maybe I need to accept the single fate, live in it for a number of years (again) and go for what comes of God and not of my doing?
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Norseman82
Guest
From a male view:
One of the things that seminarians must look at in the priestly discernment process is whether they can handle lifelong celibacy. If they canāt, then a celibate vocation is not for them and they should get married.
How does this relate to the OPās post regarding how to find peace? Simple. If you cannot find peace in lifelong celibacy, but are not prevented by an impediment from marrying, then that right there is evidence that āsingle vocationā is not for you. The only way to have peace then is through marriage. Of course, donāt marry just anybody, becasue you could end up wishing you were single again.
The only other thing I would suggest is to ask God if you are doing something wrong on your end. That way you have your bases covered. It may be revealed that you are doing something wrong or that there is something that needs to be fixed, or it will be revealed that it is not you, in which case you may want to join me in the ārevolt of the 40-year-old virginsā who are sick and tired of being jerked around.
One of the things that seminarians must look at in the priestly discernment process is whether they can handle lifelong celibacy. If they canāt, then a celibate vocation is not for them and they should get married.
How does this relate to the OPās post regarding how to find peace? Simple. If you cannot find peace in lifelong celibacy, but are not prevented by an impediment from marrying, then that right there is evidence that āsingle vocationā is not for you. The only way to have peace then is through marriage. Of course, donāt marry just anybody, becasue you could end up wishing you were single again.
The only other thing I would suggest is to ask God if you are doing something wrong on your end. That way you have your bases covered. It may be revealed that you are doing something wrong or that there is something that needs to be fixed, or it will be revealed that it is not you, in which case you may want to join me in the ārevolt of the 40-year-old virginsā who are sick and tired of being jerked around.
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Norseman82
Guest
In case you havenāt figured it out by now, āit takes two to tangoā, and getting a spouse is not as easy as getting a blue light special at KMart. We are only ONE HALF of the equation. If the other half does not co-operate, weāre up a creek without a paddle.
And if you are avering that singleness is a choice, please keep in mind that the choice could be between being single and being married to an abuser. Some choice, huh?
We need better choices.
And if you are avering that singleness is a choice, please keep in mind that the choice could be between being single and being married to an abuser. Some choice, huh?
We need better choices.
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Norseman82
Guest
OK, now I have to be blunt with you. We need to get something straight.
Your problem is not with the RCC.
Your problem is with Jesus Christ Himself. He is the One who said that divorce and remarriage constitute adultery. It was not some silly invention of the RCC.
Maybe you should re-examine Christianity in general?
Your problem is not with the RCC.
Your problem is with Jesus Christ Himself. He is the One who said that divorce and remarriage constitute adultery. It was not some silly invention of the RCC.
Maybe you should re-examine Christianity in general?
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Candidate_Kurt
Guest
Norseman82,
Now I have to be blunt with YOU.
āMy problemā is with the Roman Catholic Church and its particular gospel. The Bible on which I was raised at EVERY passage having to do with remarriage makes an explicit exception for adultery.
Specifically, Matthew 19:8-9 reads:
Jesus replied, āMoses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.ā Holy Bible - NIV
My wife was unfaithful. According to the Bible of my upbringing, I am not bound by this marriage.
Not the RCC? Not the Saint Joseph edition? I think not!
Now I have to be blunt with YOU.
āMy problemā is with the Roman Catholic Church and its particular gospel. The Bible on which I was raised at EVERY passage having to do with remarriage makes an explicit exception for adultery.
Specifically, Matthew 19:8-9 reads:
Jesus replied, āMoses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.ā Holy Bible - NIV
My wife was unfaithful. According to the Bible of my upbringing, I am not bound by this marriage.
Not the RCC? Not the Saint Joseph edition? I think not!
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agapewolf
Guest
again, what does this have to do with my thread? PLEASE, take it somewhere else.
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Candidate_Kurt
Guest
How about a little King James Version?
"Matthew 19:9 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain
āAnd I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.ā
"Matthew 19:9 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain
āAnd I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.ā
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