Single Catholics, Ignored. an Account

[EasterJoy]

Really? “You have to wonder why we see so little of them”? Wow. Just…wow.

I do not mean that single people are not worthy of outreach, and I apologize if I sound that way. Of course we ought to be concerned that everyone feel as if hospitality is extended to them.

I’m saying that the very demographic that St. Paul characterized as being the most available to serve the Lord without worldly distraction to hold them back can be striking in how little initiative they show in parish life compared to others with plenty of obligations to distract them from service in the Church.

Who is supposed to be doing this work of welcoming singles? The people with the distraction of children to feed and educate? Should it not be the relatively more undistracted singles who are comfortable in the parish who are doing outreach to those singles who feel like strangers? Is there some reason this hospitality isn’t the work of the singles themselves, more than anyone else?

 

[Sarcelle]

I do not mean that single people are not worthy of outreach, and I apologize if I sound that way. Of course we ought to be concerned that everyone feel as if hospitality is extended to them.

I’m saying that the very demographic that St. Paul characterized as being the most available to serve the Lord without worldly distraction to hold them back can be striking in how little initiative they show in parish life compared to others with plenty of obligations to distract them from service in the Church.

Who is supposed to be doing this work of welcoming singles? The people with the distraction of children to feed and educate? Should it not be the relatively more undistracted singles who are comfortable in the parish who are doing outreach to those singles who feel like strangers? Is there some reason this hospitality isn’t the work of the singles themselves, more than anyone else?

Oh we do have worldly distraction. After work, we have chores to do, errands to run. All these chores do not take care of themselves.

Maybe it’s just me, but work takes a lion’s share of my time and the only time I have to do chores and run errands is at weekends and even then, I may have to work on those days too.

I myself do not look for other singles to meet. If I meet them, I meet them. I do not go out of my way to meet them. Come to think of it, most of my friends are married couples.

 

[Xantippe]

I do not mean that single people are not worthy of outreach, and I apologize if I sound that way. Of course we ought to be concerned that everyone feel as if hospitality is extended to them.

I’m saying that the very demographic that St. Paul characterized as being the most available to serve the Lord without worldly distraction to hold them back can be striking in how little initiative they show in parish life compared to others with plenty of obligations to distract them from service in the Church.

Who is supposed to be doing this work of welcoming singles? The people with the distraction of children to feed and educate? Should it not be the relatively more undistracted singles who are comfortable in the parish who are doing outreach to those singles who feel like strangers? Is there some reason this hospitality isn’t the work of the singles themselves, more than anyone else?

Yes.

Now, if the pastor is shooting down offers of forming a group, that’s a totally different issue. (But, as has been discussed in an earlier thread, a pastor might well be concerned about scandal or weirdness if the group was too dating oriented.)

 

[Xantippe]

Oh we do have worldly distraction. After work, we have chores to do, errands to run. All these chores do not take care of themselves.

Maybe it’s just me, but work takes a lion’s share of my time and the only time I have to do chores and run errands is at weekends and even then, I may have to work on those days too.

I myself do not look for other singles to meet. If I meet them, I meet them. I do not go out of my way to meet them. Come to think of it, most of my friends are married couples.

So, how would you fit a spouse and kids into that?

 

[Xantippe]

There’s also the simple fact of wanting good Catholic friendships. It can be very hard when it seems all anyone your age talks about is either how much they want to be getting married, or all about their new babies. Being neither in the dating scene nor married and having or trying to have a child, it can lead to feeling very lonely.

Some of those will surface eventually.

 

[thewanderer]

Oh we do have worldly distraction. After work, we have chores to do, errands to run. All these chores do not take care of themselves.

Maybe it’s just me, but work takes a lion’s share of my time and the only time I have to do chores and run errands is at weekends and even then, I may have to work on those days too.

I myself do not look for other singles to meet. If I meet them, I meet them. I do not go out of my way to meet them. Come to think of it, most of my friends are married couples.

The point is, though, that married people have all those same responsibilities and then on top of them all the responsibility of raising and cleaning up after a family as well. I believe the point EasterJoy is making is that if single people want to feel more included they should take the initiative to start activities for singles. They generally speaking have more free time than married people so they are going to be far more likely to effect change in their parishes and in the church if they step up to start instituting those changes instead of just complaining about them and waiting for those who already have more on their plate to make the changes for them.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Should it not be the relatively more undistracted singles who are comfortable in the parish who are doing outreach to those singles who feel like strangers?

This is assuming singles like that actually exist. (Let alone are nice enough to avoid condemning other single Cafeterians, non-believers, and non-Catholics for indulging in their ‘distractions.’)

 

[Bataar]

I’m to the point where I just don’t even care anymore. I go to Mass, sit in the back and am one of the first out the door after the priest leaves. That’s my church process. I’m 35, never married, no kids and there’s no group or anything for me to join. Everything is either for younger people, married people or older people.

 

[DarkLight]

This is assuming singles like that actually exist. (Let alone are nice enough to avoid condemning other single Cafeterians, non-believers, and non-Catholics for indulging in their ‘distractions.’)

And of course there’s all sorts of reasons. If one is in a parish where there aren’t many singles, one may desire to have more but not have enough people to make it work. Or some people like me may not have great transportation or may have health problems that don’t allow for the sort of commitment someone would need.

Or one may simply not want the outcome to be a singles group. That would be my biggest gripe - what I’d really like would be a good women’s bible study group that fits into my schedule and doesn’t end up being focused on marriage and motherhood, nor on college student issues. Singles groups seem a bit too unreliable due to the likelihood of people graduating from them, plus their tendency to turn into dating groups.

 

[Xantippe]

And of course there’s all sorts of reasons. If one is in a parish where there aren’t many singles, one may desire to have more but not have enough people to make it work. Or some people like me may not have great transportation or may have health problems that don’t allow for the sort of commitment someone would need.

Or one may simply not want the outcome to be a singles group. That would be my biggest gripe - what I’d really like would be a good women’s bible study group that fits into my schedule and doesn’t end up being focused on marriage and motherhood, nor on college student issues. Singles groups seem a bit too unreliable due to the likelihood of people graduating from them, plus their tendency to turn into dating groups.

Yeah–everybody wants something different.

I think it would have to be a co-ed group for your needs, just to keep it away from marriage and motherhood. I ran a home Bible study as a new mom for fellow moms that was on Luke and then on Acts, but it was very much mommy-oriented, not because of the material or because of the study questions, but because that’s who was there and where our minds were at the time.

I’ve two more or less suitable venues for somebody with your needs over the years. The first was the graduate/professional reading group at Pittsburgh’s Newman Center (which included all sorts of people, not just young adults). Locally, there’s a mostly Protestant women’s book group of people affiliated with the college that reads a lot of Christian classics (for instance Dorothy Sayer’s Gaudy Night). I haven’t gotten an email from them recently and I’m a little afraid that it’s dissolved due to a bunch of moves hitting at the same time, but the group had a very good run.

So I’d keep an eye out just for a good reading group, either co-ed or Protestant–a high-falutin’ intellectual Catholic women’s Bible study or reading group is something I think you’d only encounter in a handful of places in the US at best.

 

[Naskor]

Oh we do have worldly distraction. After work, we have chores to do, errands to run. All these chores do not take care of themselves.

Maybe it’s just me, but work takes a lion’s share of my time and the only time I have to do chores and run errands is at weekends and even then, I may have to work on those days too.

I myself do not look for other singles to meet. If I meet them, I meet them. I do not go out of my way to meet them. Come to think of it, most of my friends are married couples.

I agree with this. Adult singles are having to manage a life made for four hands with only two.

My own parent’s weren’t active church volunteers until long after they were married. Once they were married they had someone to help them with all the daily tasks of life that would otherwise render them with no time to do anything.

This article explains very well why singles can’t be as active as everyone assumes they can be.

ignitumtoday.com/2013/02/15/three-myths-about-single-life-in-the-church-and-some-reflections-for-dispelling-them/

MYTH #3: Singles are free to do more, be more, and can be depended upon to extend themselves endlessly in ministry and parish life.

This last one may draw a bit of controversy from readers, but I would like to take the time to share my thoughts on the issue. Many people assume that because a single person is not constantly running children to ballet and football practice or engaging in street ministry every night from dusk til dawn, that he or she is readily available to engage in any and all kinds of ministry in the Church. I would like to ask that we take a closer look at where and how single individuals may be more or less available to pursue ministry depending on various circumstances that they face in their lives.

It is true that some single men and women have particularly strong financial situations due to a stable career in a high-paying field and the lack of family expenses. These men and women may be able to provide solid financial contributions to Church ministries and parish communities. Other singles may be gifted with abilities that make them stand out in applicant pools and have the time and flexibility to pursue ministry at home or abroad by successfully obtaining support through a competitive program that engages in such ministry. As many of you are well aware, however, these situations are more difficult to come by in our day and age. Many young single men and women are struggling to make ends meet as they work low-paying jobs or balance several jobs with unpaid internships that provide the experience that they need to advance in their careers. Many careers require years of low-paid “dues” and creative planning when it comes to gaining valuable experience, which less frequently involves the support of a particular company in areas such as health insurance and annual salaries. The competitiveness of programs that support service projects means that many who are genuinely prepared to engage in ministry with all of their hearts will be turned away. …]

Also just because someone is single doesn’t mean that they aren’t a parent.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I agree with this. Adult singles are having to manage a life made for four hands with only two.

My own parent’s weren’t active church volunteers until long after they were married. Once they were married they had someone to help them with all the daily tasks of life that would otherwise render them with no time to do anything.

What are these daily tasks of life? I can understand jobs, those can be non-negotiables. But what are all these other tasks that take up so much time? Shopping? Haircuts? Cleaning the house?

In many modern marriages, these tasks get done, but get done with compromises: haircuts at home, just grabbing the essentials at the store, cleaning the house haphazardly, etc. Those compromises make families possible. No family thrives unless it makes tons of such compromises.

When I hear a single person say that their lives are too busy for service, I think that MIGHT be true, but it also might be true that they *make *their lives too busy for service. I do that too. If I made more compromises, I could spend time visiting those in prison – something God has called me to, but that I have been putting off. It’s wrong for me to put it off, if I can – by making appropriate compromises – make it happen.

I do think single people (usually) have more time to serve. But that does NOT make it acceptable for us to not serve them! We ought to be looking out for each other, and – certainly – we ought to always be inviting single people into our homes, and making them feel welcome and loved.

 

[Xantippe]

What are these daily tasks of life? I can understand jobs, those can be non-negotiables. But what are all these other tasks that take up so much time? Shopping? Haircuts? Cleaning the house?

In many modern marriages, these tasks get done, but get done with compromises: haircuts at home, just grabbing the essentials at the store, cleaning the house haphazardly, etc. Those compromises make families possible. No family thrives unless it makes tons of such compromises.

When I hear a single person say that their lives are too busy for service, I think that MIGHT be true, but it also might be true that they *make *their lives too busy for service. I do that too. If I made more compromises, I could spend time visiting those in prison – something God has called me to, but that I have been putting off. It’s wrong for me to put it off, if I can – by making appropriate compromises – make it happen.

I do think single people (usually) have more time to serve. But that does NOT make it acceptable for us to not serve them! We ought to be looking out for each other, and – certainly – we ought to always be inviting single people into our homes, and making them feel welcome and loved.

I definitely had way more free time when I was a single and childless married gal. In fact, that was the problem–I had way more free time than I wanted to have and no matter how active I was with service (I was a Peace Corps volunteer), there were always many cold, lonely evenings at home. I read so much! I did so much cooking just for fun and to kill time!

Fast forward to the present and I’ve got maybe 10% of the undisturbed leisure time I used to have. I do most of my actual book reading in the bathroom, a page or two at a time. I do a lot of CAF, but that’s here and there while doing something else–there aren’t huge blocks of time with nothing in them and nobody else to take care of, which is what I had as a single woman.

As far as I can tell, free time comes in either “too much” or “too little.” It’s a very rare person who has “just enough.”

 

[Sarcelle]

I definitely had way more free time when I was a single and childless married gal. In fact, that was the problem–I had way more free time than I wanted to have and no matter how active I was with service (I was a Peace Corps volunteer), there were always many cold, lonely evenings at home. I read so much! I did so much cooking just for fun and to kill time!

Fast forward to the present and I’ve got maybe 10% of the undisturbed leisure time I used to have. I do most of my actual book reading in the bathroom, a page or two at a time. I do a lot of CAF, but that’s here and there while doing something else–there aren’t huge blocks of time with nothing in them and nobody else to take care of, which is what I had as a single woman.

As far as I can tell, free time comes in either “too much” or “too little.” It’s a very rare person who has “just enough.”

Singles like everyone else are not all alike.

Some of them are single parents, some are taking care of elderly parents so it would not be wise to assume that any given single has all the time in the world to volunteer.
There was a time when I worked full time and went to grad school full time
I had very little free time aside from school and work.
After grad school was over I had more time to volunteer at hospitals.

 

[Xantippe]

Singles like everyone else are not all alike.

Some of them are single parents, some are taking care of elderly parents so it would not be wise to assume that any given single has all the time in the world to volunteer.
There was a time when I worked full time and went to grad school full time
I had very little free time aside from school and work.
After grad school was over I had more time to volunteer at hospitals.

By the same token, single parents and single caregivers of elderly parents are going to find it difficult to make it to a meeting because they have so many other demands on their time.

Again, we run into the issue that single people are extremely diverse and that because of that, it’s a difficult demographic to direct programming toward and reach.

I’d add to the list of complexities from upthread that some single people wish to date and marry and others do not.

 

[Sarcelle]

By the same token, single parents and single caregivers of elderly parents are going to find it difficult to make it to a meeting because they have so many other demands on their time.

Again, we run into the issue that single people are extremely diverse and that because of that, it’s a difficult demographic to direct programming toward and reach.

I’d add to the list of complexities from upthread that some single people wish to date and marry and others do not.

Yes

 

[ExLibris]

While I can definitely see the reasoning behind the difficulty of coordinating a singles’ ministry, I can’t help but notice local Protestant churches have thriving programs.

 

[Xantippe]

While I can definitely see the reasoning behind the difficulty of coordinating a singles’ ministry, I can’t help but notice local Protestant churches have thriving programs.

Just out of curiosity, who runs them?

Is it single volunteers, married volunteers, or staff?

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

While I can definitely see the reasoning behind the difficulty of coordinating a singles’ ministry, I can’t help but notice local Protestant churches have thriving programs.

The diversity of Protestant programs can be as diverse as there are many types of single people.

P.S.

Come to think of it, I find it funny how singles are also viewed as people who have no family to support. (Honest question: Is this an American thing?) I’m a single working man but I don’t let anyone tell me I do nothing for my family. Tuition. Bills. Insurance. Even allowance. I’ve often told people how much I pay out for any family expense and yet I’m not even married!

 

[DarkLight]

Just out of curiosity, who runs them?

Is it single volunteers, married volunteers, or staff?

In my experience it was frequently married volunteers. In many cases the singles group was essentially a “college” group - which is a fine thing to have, but I think all of us posting here are past that age (I suspect I’m the youngest at 26).