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Corki
Guest
We know you are going through a tough time. We will all be praying for you.
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Advocatus_Fidei
Guest
Sounds like he is tying to take advantage of your delicate emotional state to me.
If he really loves you he will want what is best for you.
What is best for you is for him to stop trying to pressure you into entering into a relationship with him when you are still married.
The fact that he isn’t makes me smell a wolf.
Words are cheap, actions are golden.
Beware.
If he really loves you he will want what is best for you.
What is best for you is for him to stop trying to pressure you into entering into a relationship with him when you are still married.
The fact that he isn’t makes me smell a wolf.
Words are cheap, actions are golden.
Beware.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
In some states that borders on stalking - please watch out for yourself and your children - you do not want to go from the frying pan into the fryer. Please get with your Priest - or even a deacon as deacons may have some first hand experience with marriage.
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sanctamaria17
Guest
Praying for you too 
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JRKH
Guest
Good decision.
Correct me if I’m wrong but your husband is something of an abuser.
It sounds as though youmight be making the classic mistake of “falling for” another abuser.
Just one more reason to back off from this relationship until you can things squared away with your current marriage.
Peace
James
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dulcissima
Guest
I know what you are going through because I have been there myself. You are very, very vulnerable right now.
A really, really high percentage of women who have been in abusive marriages go on to form new relationships with abusers once they get out of their relationship. The odds are not in your favor, and what you are doing right now, jumping right into an intense relationship with someone is not going to improve your chances of beating the odds.
First of all, it is really important to take care of yourself at this time. Go see your doctor and go get yourself some counseling. You have probably neglected so many aspects of your life over the past years and probably have so many issues that you are going to need to address if you are going to get the proper foundation for building a new life for you and your children. You are going to need to build a new circle of friendships and relationships. You are going to need to heal and strengthen your relationship with your children who have been through a lot. You are probably going to need to address issues with your own family. There is a good chance that you entered the marriage that you did, at least in part, as a way of escaping some of those issues with your family. That’s what most of us who bad choices in their marriage partner did.
Counseling will really help, but also keep in mind that you cannot develop this healthy foundation of friendships and relations if you are investing all of your time and emotional energy into this man. A good man would not ask you to do this.
What’s more, NOW is the time to develop your relationship with God. I know that it will hurt to not pursue this friendship or this relationship, but you are much better experiencing that kind of hurt right now than the alternative that will be waiting for you down the road. What I did during this time was weekly counseling, frequent confession and adoration, as well as praying the rosary daily. I also went throught the process of petitioning for a declaration of nullity, which in and of itself is very healing and helps you develop a better perspective with regards to examining the red flags you overlooked the last time around and getting a better understanding of what is involved in a genuine marriage.
I waited two years to start dating. It was worth it. I was able to develop a list of what was really important to me. Someone who shared my faith was right at the top. It sounds like you haven’t considered how important that might be. When you rush from one relationship to another, it’s all about emotion and doesn’t leave room for you to think about a lot of the things that you need think about, that your kids need you to think about.
I would ask this man to allow you to break things off for a time. How he responds to that request will speak volumes to you about his intentions, and whether or not he even has a clue that real love is sacrificial.
A really, really high percentage of women who have been in abusive marriages go on to form new relationships with abusers once they get out of their relationship. The odds are not in your favor, and what you are doing right now, jumping right into an intense relationship with someone is not going to improve your chances of beating the odds.
First of all, it is really important to take care of yourself at this time. Go see your doctor and go get yourself some counseling. You have probably neglected so many aspects of your life over the past years and probably have so many issues that you are going to need to address if you are going to get the proper foundation for building a new life for you and your children. You are going to need to build a new circle of friendships and relationships. You are going to need to heal and strengthen your relationship with your children who have been through a lot. You are probably going to need to address issues with your own family. There is a good chance that you entered the marriage that you did, at least in part, as a way of escaping some of those issues with your family. That’s what most of us who bad choices in their marriage partner did.
Counseling will really help, but also keep in mind that you cannot develop this healthy foundation of friendships and relations if you are investing all of your time and emotional energy into this man. A good man would not ask you to do this.
What’s more, NOW is the time to develop your relationship with God. I know that it will hurt to not pursue this friendship or this relationship, but you are much better experiencing that kind of hurt right now than the alternative that will be waiting for you down the road. What I did during this time was weekly counseling, frequent confession and adoration, as well as praying the rosary daily. I also went throught the process of petitioning for a declaration of nullity, which in and of itself is very healing and helps you develop a better perspective with regards to examining the red flags you overlooked the last time around and getting a better understanding of what is involved in a genuine marriage.
I waited two years to start dating. It was worth it. I was able to develop a list of what was really important to me. Someone who shared my faith was right at the top. It sounds like you haven’t considered how important that might be. When you rush from one relationship to another, it’s all about emotion and doesn’t leave room for you to think about a lot of the things that you need think about, that your kids need you to think about.
I would ask this man to allow you to break things off for a time. How he responds to that request will speak volumes to you about his intentions, and whether or not he even has a clue that real love is sacrificial.
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startingover222
Guest
Thank you for all of this feedback. I knew that posting here would help me see this with more objective eyes, and it has proven to be so. This OP has done so much to wait for me already – he said he hasn’t dated anyone in the past year since he met me. I have felt very obligated to him because of that. He has been so kind to me…but he has been emotionally needy. Actually, I tried to push him away a few times because he was so self centered in our friendship. For example, I was driving to him home a few hours away on a holiday and I hadn’t slept the night before because of stress …well< I got a flat tire. I called him and told him and he suggested I call AAA. He stayed on the phone with me for awhile but when I told him that the delay was going to prevent me from making the trip to see him for this holiday… he started to nearly cry. He said that I had ruined his holiday because all he wanted as a gift was to see me. Mind you, I was the one going through a separation - away from my children - hadn’t slept - and needed to be back to work in a matter of hours. (That’s why I couldn’t fulfill the trip). He really, truly began to cry. When I confronted him about it the next day – he said that he wouldn’t change a thing because he really was sad that I couldn’t come see him.
I think that is proof of exactly what all of you had posted/warned me about. It’s not healthy and I probably allowed too much because I am very vulnerable. I was not in a physically abusive marriage – it was emotionally destructive to me. I have a lot of work to do – to try and find out why I allowed so much for so long. I guess – pushing this man out of my life - is step one in my own recovery.
Thank you, again. God Bless.
I think that is proof of exactly what all of you had posted/warned me about. It’s not healthy and I probably allowed too much because I am very vulnerable. I was not in a physically abusive marriage – it was emotionally destructive to me. I have a lot of work to do – to try and find out why I allowed so much for so long. I guess – pushing this man out of my life - is step one in my own recovery.
Thank you, again. God Bless.
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whatevergirl
Guest
*Go with your gut. That very gut feeling, so many people ignore when it comes to going further into a relationship. You are leaving an emotionally unstable person, you don’t want another one. He may find you to be wonderful, but he seems rather self centered in his delivery…everything is about him…and he is already saying things like…’‘you ruined…?’’ Please please go with your gut. Men who act like you owe them something, are best to not entertain as candidates for relationships. Heal yourself, and stay close to Christ. Praying for you. *
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startingover222
Guest
Well I talked with him. He said that he wants to stay together but will honor my request to avoid intimacy. He said, I thought we agreed that we would work through anything/everything together? He says true love is being patient and being there as a best friend first… I guess I don’t know how I feel about this? Is that wrong to stay this close to him? Thoughts?
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dulcissima
Guest
I think it’s wrong and he is not being honest with you by calling what you have being his best friend. You have been separated for 6 months and already he is claiming you as his true love and that you have to work out everything with him.
You shouldn’t have an agreement or commitment or any sort of an obligation to this man. It sounds like he is still pressuring you.
By the way, has he been married before?
You shouldn’t have an agreement or commitment or any sort of an obligation to this man. It sounds like he is still pressuring you.
By the way, has he been married before?
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joandarc2008
Guest
I am not going to give you my thoughts or opinions I am going to show you what is written:
Since dating is a discernment of marriage one that is still married - ie does not have the benefit of anullment even though is civilly divorced is not free to even date. You saying you are “with” anyone is in fact comitting adultery.
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JRKH
Guest
Weigh this in the balance of this actions which weigh larger than words.
He sat in your dirveway
He couldn’t come out to help you broken down on the road but could cry because you let him down.
Just a couple of examples yes??
Perhaps I am speaking out of turn here but I cannot help it. The more you post about this man the more dangerous he sounds.
True, love is patient. And if his Love is true, he will agree to not have contact for the time necessary even if that means no contact for years. If he loves you he will not risk your soul.
You are still a married woman. This relationship is sinful, regardless of how much you don’t want it to be. You know this in your heart, and your confessor, I am sure would confirm it to you. Please - Please break this off.
Peace
James
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joandarc2008
Guest
And a bit more from the CCC to back it up:
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lutherlic
Guest
In reading this thread and your last message I must say that I am worried for you.
You are married and fully committed to another. It is sinful to have such an emotional relationship with another man. This can only change if an annulment is granted.
On the other side, from all that you described, I would not trust him. He knows you are vulnerable. As a “best friend” he will have frequent and emotionally close contact with you. Purposefully or not he appears to be very manipulative.
You seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. I recommend that you get away from him and clearly set his expectations. You should not date anyone for some period of time as suggested by others here. Tell him that, that you appreciate his past help, and that when you begin dating again you may be interested in seeing him. Until then he should not contact you and should himself consider dating others. The first time he violates your wishes in this regard (I am betting he will), tell him you mean it and will take whatever action is needed. When he does so again, get a restraining order.
Find another best friend. A family member (sibling, parent, cousin, etc.) or any female. Someone who shares your values and has experience to offer (Catholic in a good marriage) would be ideal.
You and your children deserve better. Be strong. I will pray for you.
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joandarc2008
Guest
I would also suggest that women friends may also be safer for you at the moment.
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Seatuck
Guest
You are not free to have a relationship with this person. This relationship is wrong on so many levels- emotionally , psychologically and morally. You are still married for one thing. As a catholic you may not date without an annulment . Secondly,( this is purely secular) psychologists always recommend people wait at least a year after a divorce to date anyone.
From all that you have written about this person , who does not seem stable at all, you should end all contact and just focus on getting yourself and your children’s lives as healthy and secure as possible. And no dating for at least a year after you get a decree of nullity from the church ( if you get one at all)
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startingover222
Guest
All of this has really been eye-opening. Thank you so much.
As I try to look at the situation objectively, I realize that this is just not right. For example, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to get him to accept thus, without the tears and pleading. That’s not healthy, right?
He is Catholic. Grew up that way, but just moved away from it. I go to mass every Sunday and he says when we live in the same city he will too. But, in the 3 years I’ve known him ( as distant friend initially)… He’s never gone to church. I think that says something…
Last weekend… I agreed to meet him for lunch but I cancelled because my son was having a tough day. He got very quiet and said that my decision was very upsetting but he was trying to understand the reason behind it. THAT was the moment that I knew I had to reach out to this forum. It concerned me that he was trying to make me feel guilty (in his own way) for choosing child first. He knows this is a very trying time.
Now the question is HOW do I do this? I know the fallout is going to be hard… But I’m referring to the actual process. Should I write an email and tell him not to contact me again? I honestly think I’ve done this no less than 10 times before…
One time I texted him and asked for space and told him I just wasn’t capable of a relationship right now and I was texting because I couldn’t handle his emotions. He responded with “your not allowed to tell me that without talking to me first”. He hasn’t repeated that mistake again… But you see my point.
I just need a lot of prayers. Your advice has been greatly appreciated and accepted.
As I try to look at the situation objectively, I realize that this is just not right. For example, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to get him to accept thus, without the tears and pleading. That’s not healthy, right?
He is Catholic. Grew up that way, but just moved away from it. I go to mass every Sunday and he says when we live in the same city he will too. But, in the 3 years I’ve known him ( as distant friend initially)… He’s never gone to church. I think that says something…
Last weekend… I agreed to meet him for lunch but I cancelled because my son was having a tough day. He got very quiet and said that my decision was very upsetting but he was trying to understand the reason behind it. THAT was the moment that I knew I had to reach out to this forum. It concerned me that he was trying to make me feel guilty (in his own way) for choosing child first. He knows this is a very trying time.
Now the question is HOW do I do this? I know the fallout is going to be hard… But I’m referring to the actual process. Should I write an email and tell him not to contact me again? I honestly think I’ve done this no less than 10 times before…
One time I texted him and asked for space and told him I just wasn’t capable of a relationship right now and I was texting because I couldn’t handle his emotions. He responded with “your not allowed to tell me that without talking to me first”. He hasn’t repeated that mistake again… But you see my point.
I just need a lot of prayers. Your advice has been greatly appreciated and accepted.
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whatevergirl
Guest
*I hate to say what I’m about to…but when you become less vulnerable to this guy, he won’t be interested anymore. Men like this, just from the little you type, like vulnerable women that will do whatever they ask. He won’t be able to deal with a woman who is on control of herself…(not that you are not, but right now you have TONS on your plate) and so, I’d suggest just keep being strong in your stance that you can’t be involved with him right now. Over time, he will lose interest. He was very interested because you were very vulnerable. I am sure you’re fabulous in your own right 
…but being vulnerable is a very attractive quality to controlling men. Praying for you! *
…but being vulnerable is a very attractive quality to controlling men. Praying for you! *
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Seatuck
Guest
Text him and then get a new phone number. Get a new email account and don’t log into the one that he knows about. Tell him if he shows up at your home you will get an order of protection. End this. For real.This man has no right to you or to make any demands on you .
You have to seriously look at your relationship to him and the damage that this caused your marriage. Go over it with your priest when you have your next confession. You were developing this “friendship” when you should have had all your attention on your husband and children. That could be considered adultery whether there was physical contact or not.
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kage_ar
Guest
Tell him that you are a married woman, that you are not free to date anyone. Tell him that should you ever be free to date again you will only do so after your kids are grown and will only date practicing Catholics.
Then, change your phone number.
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