Single Mom and Dating Again

[1ke]

Well I talked with him. He said that he wants to stay together but will honor my request to avoid intimacy. He said, I thought we agreed that we would work through anything/everything together? He says true love is being patient and being there as a best friend first… I guess I don’t know how I feel about this? Is that wrong to stay this close to him? Thoughts?

You can’t “stay close to him.”

He’s made it clear what he wants and what he wants you aren’t ready or able to give. And, frankly I think he’s an emotionally unstable stalker.

YOU need to take care of YOU and your children, not him.

Get away from him. He needs more than you can give and he’s trying to guilt you into a relationship. Manipulation 101. It’s all about HIM. I’m seeing that clearly in the last few posts you have made.

Honey, you need to cut all contact. Period. Make a clean break and get counseling for your own emotional state. Also, your kids are really going to need you and they do not need “psycho guy” in their lives.

 

[1ke]

Now the question is HOW do I do this? I know the fallout is going to be hard… But I’m referring to the actual process. Should I write an email and tell him not to contact me again? I honestly think I’ve done this no less than 10 times before…

One time I texted him and asked for space and told him I just wasn’t capable of a relationship right now and I was texting because I couldn’t handle his emotions. He responded with “your not allowed to tell me that without talking to me first”. He hasn’t repeated that mistake again… But you see my point.

I just need a lot of prayers. Your advice has been greatly appreciated and accepted.

You send him a message that says “all contact ends now. I can no longer continue this friendship. Do not email me, text me, or call me. Do not try to contact me at home or work. Do not attempt to visit me. Goodbye.”

You then keep that document printed and on file. You file all his other emails/text of a harrassing and obsessive nature as well, for future use if necessary.

You block him from email or get a new email address entirely. You block him from any friend sites like Facebook. You change your phone number. You inform any mutual friends that you have ceased contact and please do not give out your number or email address if asked.

If he shows up where you live, you do NOT open the door-- you call the police.

And, the most important thing is: You mean it this time.

That means you cannot go back on what you’ve told him. You’ve trained him that you don’t mean it. You’ve trained him that he can make demands, wear you down, wheedle, and cry and you’ll give in. You’ve trained him to treat you this way.

You train him now that you mean it. You have to be strong. Don’t argue. Don’t take his phone calls to explain (you would be playing into his manipulation). You just IGNORE him completely.

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

Wow, there is some really terrific advice here today, both 1ke and Whatevergirl have really nailed the issues.

This may be hard stuff to read, but if you are struggling right now, what happens if this ‘friend’ who clearly does not respect you and your needs, starts crossing boundaries with you. Will you be strong enough then to stand up and tell him no? It doesn’t get easier when you become more involved, it gets more difficult.

There are, as 1ke pointed out, some serious red flags here. You cannot atrract someone healthy until YOU get healthy.

Having just watched a beautiful, capable, responsible mother who was separated waiting for her divorce to be final, be kept on suicide watch because she relented ('cause he loved her) and got herself in a dating situation she was completely unprepared for by someone who she thought was her friend; I have to tell you … your post worries me. I hope you can find the strength to love yourself first, give yourself time to grieve, to get mad, to be scared and get past it and move forward. You may be surprised at the stronger, bolder you that is hiding inside. I was. Please don’t deny yourself this healing process.

My experience:
It’s hard being a single Catholic mom. I was for over a decade. I prayed to God, begging for a man in my life for years until I finally turned it over to Him. I literally said, “God, if you want me to have a man in my life than you’re going to have to put him in front of me and hit me over the head, ‘cause I’m not lookin’.” Then, when I was ready, God put into my life the perfect man for me. We were such good friends we didn’t even realize that there was much more there. I had chosen badly twice, God chose so much better! Better than I ever dreamed and worth every lonely second of waiting and hurting. Thankfully it doesn’t take as long for everyone, we each have our journey. By the time I met my husband I was a completely different person and had so much more to offer him. Still he respected the boundaries I put up, even if he’s not Catholic.

If this many really loves you, he will wait patiently for as long as it takes for you to be ready for a relationship. Anyone who pressures you is meeting His needs alone, not yours.

May you find peace during this time.

 

[Striving4Him]

Dear Starting Over… All of the advice above is most sound, especially that given by 1ke. Please know that we will pray for you to be blessed with the grace and strength to follow this advice for the good of your family - particularly your children. Give it all to God and take one day at a time. You CAN do this, with God’s help! We’re praying for you.

 

[monicatholic]

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,
treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-
having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
*They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, *who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 2 tim 4

i was the weak-willed woman.

what a catastrophe my life became. all he wanted was me as a ‘gift’ too. all he wanted was to wait and share and cry and sigh.

until all he wanted was to abuse my children and beat me mercilessly half senseless when i was 8 months pregnant.

StartingO,*** how ***will you break free? God has already given you a profound gift. distance. you live hours away from this guy. and then he’s given you many more-- the gifts of the holy spirit you received at baptism, then in fullness at confirmation…

the first gift of counsel, you’re already using in heaps. you’ve sought holy counsel.

then that gift of counsel is helping you to re-opn more of the gifts of the holy spirit-- wisdom and understanding are blooming big right now, arent they?

but how to stand against the weeping and wailing and gnashing of manipulative teeth? open God’s gift of fortitude.

God didnt make you to be a weak woman. he made you to be a strong woman in a very tough and dangerous world.

go to GOD your Father. stay with HIM.

since the bad guy in my life, i always pray to God this prayer, “Heavenly Father. Please make my children invisible to evil doers.”

now i’m praying that prayer for you and your kids.

bad guys, StartingO, are looking PAST you to your kids.

they really are.

be a rock wall. be a fortress.

 

[startingover222]

Wow, that bible verse spoke volumes to me. All of this insight has really helped me. Thank you. I spoke with this man again tonight. I told him how I feel and what I believe.
He tells me that it is his personal belief that denying ourselves physical intimacy is all that is really required by God. I told him that I don’t agree and I suggested HE go and speak to a priest. I told him that I can’t be responsible for causing him grave sin and he shouldn’t be willing to expose himself or ME to it. He is willing to be platonic until it’s final but he said that he loves me so much, he can’t just let me go… And out of his life.

I see that he is being selfish… I do. I also see that he is making sacrifices that many men won’t make… But, that’s. Irrelevant … If I die tomorrow… It’s my soul… And I have to realize the risk that I’m taking…

Thank you again for ALL of this feedback. I have concert tickets with him for this weekend… I suppose I should just pay him for the ticket and kindly let him know… I can’t attend. I will be honest, this is very hard. And he is not making it easy…

 

[Eris_Discordia]

I am not saying he does not love you, but true love respects boundaries. This man doesn’t. You are vulnerable so it’s very hard to separate from him, because you want to be with him, also. Everything you’re going through and feeling is understandable, but the best way to drive home your point, is to tell this man to truly leave you alone until you are at a place where you can pursue something with him. Until then, you are still married in God’s eyes…and it doesn’t sound like he respects that. He says he loves you,but again, true love respects boundaries. I hope that things get better, and I’m very sorry your marriage did not work out…praying for you through this!

I concur with this. If he loves you as much as he says, he would respect your space and boundaries.

 

[monicatholic]

And he is not making it easy…

of course he’s not making this easy.

read this again.

he can’t just let me go… And out of his life.

and read it again.

and again.

he can’t… LET… YOU… ???

let you what…? GO?

he’s telling you your free will doesnt count.

he’s telling you your free will doesnt count.

StartingOver, please dont let your screen name be WRONG. starting over means starting fresh, new, with new eyes, with new grace. if you ‘stay’ with this guy (as friends, not friends, distant aching lovers, whatever) if you stay in any contact witht his guy and you are NOT starting over. you’re just changing one catastrophe for another. your changing seats on the titanic.

 

[Eris_Discordia]

of course he’s not making this easy.

read this again.

and read it again.

and again.

he can’t… LET… YOU… ???

let you what…? GO?

he’s telling you your free will doesnt count.

he’s telling you your free will doesnt count.

StartingOver, please dont let your screen name be WRONG. starting over means starting fresh, new, with new eyes, with new grace. if you ‘stay’ with this guy (as friends, not friends, distant aching lovers, whatever) if you stay in any contact witht his guy and you are NOT starting over. you’re just changing one catastrophe for another. your changing seats on the titanic.

I agree. I’m getting bad vibes from what little I’ve read of this thread. I’ve been in this kind of situation, and it almost wrecked my life, because he purposefully isolated me from people and spread lies to get them to hate me, so I would be vulnerable. Thankfully we don’t speak anymore, but it would have been a lot worse.

 

[dulcissima]

The way that he isn’t willing to give you up sounds possibly dangerous. Going to the concert with him would be dreadful, at best. Paying for your ticket and being done with it sounds like the way to go.

Sometimes what is hard is what is necessary.

 

[monicatholic]

I am not saying he does not love you,

whatever girl is too kind. i AM saying he doesnt love you.

you are loveable, SO. how do i know? because Our Father loves you and He’s never wrong.

but this guy doesnt love you. how do i know? because love wants what is best for the other, not what’s best for himself. all we’ve heard about is himself.

is this guy vicious, cruel, concretely abusive?

we just dont know, do w? i hope to God (and that IS a prayer) i hope to God who LOVES YOU, that you never find out for sure.

but what we do know is this: he is a LOT like the last guy. and we know more than that. we know he’s a bulldozer to a woman who’s been abused and frightened and needs time to heal. and this guy is a bulldozer to that woman.

SO, your partner picker is broke– it’s broke bad. you need a whole lotta healing and a whole lotta fixing. someone on this thread wrote conventional psychological wisdom would suggest 2 years of being single (providing you did get the annulment). SO, i believe 2 years will not be long enough.

what’s making you most vulnerable to this guys’ manipulations? my guess, (and his guess, too) 2 things:

1. you’re afraid to be alone. you’re afraid to be lonely and to rely on your own decisions.
2. you’re afraid that deep down you’re unlovable. that you better get the getting while there’s getting to be got. because who knows if it ever comes back your way again?

both are lies of the devil. lies that make us weak women vulnerable to bad men WORMING their way into our homes and making our lives (and our children’s lives) a DAMNED WRECK.

 

[1ke]

Wow, that bible verse spoke volumes to me. All of this insight has really helped me. Thank you. I spoke with this man again tonight. I told him how I feel and what I believe.

Stop it.

Stop talking to him. Stop trying to rationalize, explain, or defend your decision.

STOP

He is willing to be platonic until it’s final but he said that he loves me so much, he can’t just let me go… And out of his life.

Stalker.

I see that he is being selfish… I do. I also see that he is making sacrifices that many men won’t make…

What sacrifices are those? Honey, you need to meet some different men. You have a seriously skewed view of what real men think and how they behave. You’ve met some bad ones. There are good ones out there. This guy isn’t one of them.

I have concert tickets with him for this weekend… I suppose I should just pay him for the ticket and kindly let him know… I can’t attend.

Stop it.

You don’t owe him anything. Don’t pay him for anything. Don’t contact him. Just STOP talking to him. Don’t call and don’t answer.

I will be honest, this is very hard. And he is not making it easy…

You are *making *it hard by continuing to talk to him.

You think if you just say the right thing, do the right thing you can make it all right. You can’t. There is nothing you can say or do that will change who he is and how he behaves. And there’s nothing you need to feel guilty about or beholden to him for.

 

[monicatholic]

i add my voice and prayer to ke’s

STOP IT.

 

[jrichard]

My husband abandoned our family in June of 2009, and then filed for divorce. Our trial is not until March, so it has been a long journey all these months.

Yes, it does get VERY lonely and the support from ANY man is tempting. I don’t care how long I have known any man (Catholic or not), I STAY AWAY for my own good. I forget how the scripture is written, “Avoid temptation, and the devil will flee from you”.

So here I am 36 years old, wondering if I MISSED my opportunity, BUT I am still married. I honestly thought I could not live without a man after my husband left, but now that it has been about 8 months since that terrible moment, I don’t have the desire to give my time to anyone but my children.

Relationships take work, and time which kids really need right now to heal as well. By ALLOWING yourself to talk to him, you are inviting temptation in to your life. Why take the chance? Is it really worth it?

My advice as hard as it is, is to have ONLY female friends. If that guy really is who he says he is, a couple of years is nothing. Ultimately though, it is your choice. Everyone doesn’t want to see you suffer any more than what you already have, and like a mother to a child, we aren’t trying to be be harsh, just watching out for you so that you can heal properly with God’s love.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Starting Over, you’ve gotten great advice here. The only thing I can add is a little speculation that is not intended to offend you and a little suggestion about how you deliver the message to him.

I get the impression that when you talk to him, you are not telling him how it IS GOING TO BE, but rather you are asking him what he thinks about separating from you. This is a common style of conversation for a lot of people. Many people, especially really kind hearted people, or vulnerable people, feel uncomfortable saying, “This is the way it is going to be, period.” Instead they say, “I’m concerned about how things are going, what do you think?”, hoping that either the other person will get the hint, or that they won’t be put into the position of “bad guy.” But by having a conversation about your concerns, you are giving him the impression that he can still convince you to change your mind. At this point, if you have any further communication with him, it really should be one sided. You saying, “We’ve already discussed it. I’ve made my decision. We will not have any further contact. Good bye.” And then that has to be the end of the communication. Otherwise, he will think that you don’t really mean good bye, and will keep harrassing you. He may do that anyway, and if he does, it is best to not take part in any conversation he tries to start. He needs to get the message that you are done.

God bless you.

 

[startingover222]

All of this is amazing advice. I really am taking it to heart. I guess I just want to make sure I don’t hurt him - so if there is anything left of our relationship …down the road…we can revisit it.

But, considering our conversation yesterday, I believe you are right. He kept saying that he could understand if you don’t want to be intimate until it’s final – I understand and will agree with that. He THEN said – but if this means you aren’t jumping in with both feet – then I am going to have to really think about this – because I promised myself the last time we started talking again – that I would only be a part of this if “I” felt loved. After reading all of these posts – I totally see how selfish that statement is…

I told him that “I” wasn’t the one making the rules…that this was about what God wants…and how we respect Him. I tried to explain my beliefs…and he said he won’t stop telling me “he loves me” because he DOES love me…and that he can’t stop saying it. He doesn’t think God would want him to…

In summary, I will just email him a note today – telling him that I’m not trying to be hurtful – I’m trying to honor God and if we find each other down the road again, then we will know we are meant to be together…but I need him to respect me…and God.

Thanks for this advice… Gracias!

 

[sanctamaria17]

Does he know you couldn’t be intimate anyway…unless you two end up VALIDLY married?

 

[startingover222]

No, this man does not believe in celibacy before marriage. I am a Catholic, of course, and I try to honor God’s wishes…but I must say …avoiding intimacy before my marriage – delivered a terrible suprise. My husband has/had no interest in sex and prefers porn. That’s what caused many of our problems…

So…I’m sure I will be criticized for this statement – but I really question now…because it caused me so much trouble…

But, I agree with you – intimacy should NOT be a part of our relationship…It is my personal belief…that it could be considered when someone is engaged…

Maybe I just had a husband who was flawed from the beginning…

 

[joandarc2008]

That statement maybe I had a husband who was flawed from the beginning - is going to be the grounds for your annullment. An annullment is not a “Catholic Divorce” it is a statement that the marriage was never valid. ie- one or both of you could not consent to the terms or had no intention of consenting to the terms of a sacramental marriage. But that is another thread.

If the creep shows up get an order of protection.

Trust me sex before marriage complicates things- sex during a true sacramental marriage is the binding of love between husband and wife and represents the love Christ has for the Church. Don’t ruin your view of sex.

When you are truly OK with being on your own God will provide your spouse if you are meant to have one.

 

[startingover222]

Yes, you are right. I understand what you are saying. I will say prayers that God will help guide me through this process.

After spending time thinking about the flaws with the “relationship” I entered into…I discovered -through another friend- that my “friend” had a criminal history. He never told me any of this…and he had plenty of opportunity. I discovered that he had a felony conviction for drug possession. I have NEVER done a drug in my life. When I started questioning him about this – he got mad at ME – saying that he didn’t mention it because he knew that I would look at him differently. But, he got so upset for questioning him… I’m sorry, I think that is something you mention to someone…while he no longer does drugs (that I know of) he has a felony conviction! That certainly impacts his ability to get jobs…loans…his entire life! It’s not like a rough credit report – it’s life long!

I should have known then…that something was very wrong… What else would I learn - by surprise? You are all right. I’m so glad I asked this forum – you’ve been a huge help. Thanks again…