Single Mom and Dating Again

[Corinne3]

Hello startingover:

I can sympathize with your feelings. You have been through so much with your husband, that you are wounded, and rightly so. And i think it’s wonderful you have a nice male friend to walk along side you during this hard time. U are lucky u have this/him.

I would caution u though, if your involvement with him is for the right reasons. To have someone there for support for the horrific divorce,separation and everything is one thing, to have someone there to love and be involved with is another. Only u can determine this. Do you love him? Are u over your ex husband completely? this is the question i would ask u first and foremost. R U ready for another relationship so fast? If so, that’s wonderful, if not, that’s OK too. Only U know the answer to this. Who am i to judge? No one. What is life if not for love? I feel.

As for me, i cannot even imagine i could ever love anyone else besides my current husband, even though we are separated again now for one month, the 4th separation in 2 years for his infidelity. How i wish i had a friend who was there for me, as you do, to help me and stand beside me in this horrific time! You are lucky to have him.

I would search inside yourself to see your true feelings here. Follow your heart.

God Bless U

P.S. I have not read anyone else’s responses yet…just answering from my heart.

 

[joandarc2008]

Hello startingover:

I can sympathize with your feelings. You have been through so much with your husband, that you are wounded, and rightly so. And i think it’s wonderful you have a nice male friend to walk along side you during this hard time. U are lucky u have this/him.

I would caution u though, if your involvement with him is for the right reasons. To have someone there for support for the horrific divorce,separation and everything is one thing, to have someone there to love and be involved with is another. Only u can determine this. Do you love him? Are u over your ex husband completely? this is the question i would ask u first and foremost. R U ready for another relationship so fast? If so, that’s wonderful, if not, that’s OK too. Only U know the answer to this. Who am i to judge? No one. What is life if not for love? I feel.

As for me, i cannot even imagine i could ever love anyone else besides my current husband, even though we are separated again now for one month, the 4th separation in 2 years for his infidelity. How i wish i had a friend who was there for me, as you do, to help me and stand beside me in this horrific time! You are lucky to have him.

I would search inside yourself to see your true feelings here. Follow your heart.

God Bless U

P.S. I have not read anyone else’s responses yet…just answering from my heart.

Corinne-

I see that you are new to the forums so I understand that you are responding with love. However, you probably would want o read the whole thread before responding - this man is not a frend but a stalker. Also your advice is not in line with the CCC. Our first responsibiity is to the souls of our Brothers and Sisters in Christ that come asking for help and advice and we must make sure that our cathechesis is sound and as non-judgemental as possible.

With love,

Joan

 

[joandarc2008]

Hello startingover:

I can sympathize with your feelings. You have been through so much with your husband, that you are wounded, and rightly so. And i think it’s wonderful you have a nice male friend to walk along side you during this hard time. U are lucky u have this/him.

I would caution u though, if your involvement with him is for the right reasons. To have someone there for support for the horrific divorce,separation and everything is one thing, to have someone there to love and be involved with is another. Only u can determine this. Do you love him? Are u over your ex husband completely? this is the question i would ask u first and foremost. R U ready for another relationship so fast? If so, that’s wonderful, if not, that’s OK too. Only U know the answer to this. Who am i to judge? No one. What is life if not for love? I feel.

As for me, i cannot even imagine i could ever love anyone else besides my current husband, even though we are separated again now for one month, the 4th separation in 2 years for his infidelity. How i wish i had a friend who was there for me, as you do, to help me and stand beside me in this horrific time! You are lucky to have him.

I would search inside yourself to see your true feelings here. Follow your heart.

God Bless U

P.S. I have not read anyone else’s responses yet…just answering from my heart.

And if you need to PM about your current sitation I have been there but not for infedility and we aer back together - feel free to PM.

 

[jesuspsr]

Hello everyone
startingover i’ve read thru this entire thread, and I agree with everyone so I cannot add more. So I’ll pray for you. You are not alone, all the people here are praying for you, may the holy spirit comfort and bless you…

jesus g

 

[moto5150]

Hello. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months. We have started the divorce process. I am Catholic and I believe in the sacrament of Marriage. MANY things went wrong with my marriage. It was awful. We tried counseling and just can’t get on the same page. Abuse – etc. Not good.

In the process of going through with the separation, I turned to a very close male friend. He has been my rock through everything. He recently expressed that he loves me. He wants us to be together. I have told him that I can’t be intimate with him because I’m still a married woman. I have TRIED many, many times to end all communication with him - but we both end up crying …wanting to talk to each other again.

Here’s my question. Is it ok for him to be in my life, if i’m not intimate with him? He tells me he will wait for me…because “i’m the one for him”. He says he believes God wouldn’t have brought us together …if it was not right.

I do love him – but I’m scared. He has been there for me through thick and thin and really has proven he loves me. But, what if I give in – I have already kissed him. It’s been awhile – but, the vulnerability is there.

I have pushed him away so many times. Sometimes – just with a text message (not nice) but I explained that it was best for him to stay away because I’m too vulnerable. He just keeps telling me that he loves me and that he can’t take me pushing him away anymore.

He tells me that he believes our relationship is like the movie the notebook. I just don’t know what to do. So far, I have kept him away from my children. He met them when we were truly just friends… but I am very confused.

Can someone help me? Please don’t indict me – I truly just want help.

All the best.

you will not know that this man loves you for at least 4 or 5 years. It is only when your vows are tested and love becomes a CHOICE, that true love is discovered, and it is much more of a sober discovery than what you can possibly see in this moment.

EDIT:: I read the remainder of the thread…Run far from this man. As a 28 year old man going through a divorce and seeing the EXACT thing happen to my (ex) wife, almost to the letter… I see the destructive path it has taken her down. She is 8 months into her relationship and has just cut it off and you would think she just cut off her left arm. Here’s the deal…You are not in the emotional state to be in any sort of romantic relationship. You are most vulnerable, and need to be most protected at this moment. I wish you well, and will lift you up im prayer, my sister. Continue marching on, healing will come if you allow it. Stay strong.

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

you will not know that this man loves you for at least 4 or 5 years. It is only when your vows are tested and love becomes a CHOICE, that true love is discovered, and it is much more of a sober discovery than what you can possibly see in this moment.

EDIT:: I read the remainder of the thread…Run far from this man. As a 28 year old man going through a divorce and seeing the EXACT thing happen to my (ex) wife, almost to the letter… I see the destructive path it has taken her down. She is 8 months into her relationship and has just cut it off and you would think she just cut off her left arm. Here’s the deal…You are not in the emotional state to be in any sort of romantic relationship. You are most vulnerable, and need to be most protected at this moment. I wish you well, and will lift you up im prayer, my sister. Continue marching on, healing will come if you allow it. Stay strong.

It’s generous to share such personal story, very kind. Wise words, too.

One of the things that I asked myself after my divorce, when trying to discern if I was ready to get my foot wet was this, “If it doesn’t work out, do I know that I will be able to handle it?”. Kind of worse case scenario way of thinking. Realizing that I couldn’t handle more loss so soon after what I had been through, I realized that the answer was, “no”. I was able to be there for my daughter who really needed me. Trust God. He knows our needs and desires better than we do and He is always be there, loving you perfectly.

Still praying for you. Keep the faith.

 

[startingover222]

I’m really struggling, everyone. Looking for some advice. Today is HIS birthday and this weekend is the concert that he purchased tickets for… should I sent him money for the ticket? I feel bad…because this is the concert that I threw a fit about – because he asked me to pay for the ticket. (he was a terrible cheapo for a long time until I started pointing this out). So he ended up paying for it --and now I feel like I should pay him.

Also, should I send him a card for his birthday? I have not communicated with him since taking the good advice here…

Thanks in advance. As obsessed as he may have been with me…I still miss him and his friendship. I’m trying to remember the negative…along with the positive.

 

[dulcissima]

No! Do not reestablish contact with him. You will only make it that much harder to put things back in their proper place. Remember, you are approaching the end of Lent. Easter is almost here. Don’t give in to temptation! You have very good reason to sever ties with him, and you are doing a great job at being tough where you need to be tough.

 

[joandarc2008]

No! Do not reestablish contact with him. You will only make it that much harder to put things back in their proper place. Remember, you are approaching the end of Lent. Easter is almost here. Don’t give in to temptation! You have very good reason to sever ties with him, and you are doing a great job at being tough where you need to be tough.

I second this!!!

 

[jesuspsr]

No! Do not reestablish contact with him. You will only make it that much harder to put things back in their proper place. Remember, you are approaching the end of Lent. Easter is almost here. Don’t give in to temptation! You have very good reason to sever ties with him, and you are doing a great job at being tough where you need to be tough.

I concur…

 

[startingover222]

Thank you! I will stay strong – Thank you.

God bless.

 

[jrabs]

I’m really struggling, everyone. Looking for some advice. Today is HIS birthday and this weekend is the concert that he purchased tickets for… should I sent him money for the ticket? I feel bad…because this is the concert that I threw a fit about – because he asked me to pay for the ticket. (he was a terrible cheapo for a long time until I started pointing this out). So he ended up paying for it --and now I feel like I should pay him.

Also, should I send him a card for his birthday? I have not communicated with him since taking the good advice here…

Thanks in advance. As obsessed as he may have been with me…I still miss him and his friendship. I’m trying to remember the negative…along with the positive.

No no no - do not even offer. Dont send a card. That just gives him an excuse to call or email a Thank you. bad idea.

Let it pass. Offer a silent prayer on his behalf and call it a day.

And man oh man do I hate cheap. Sounds like you do also. Just remember that. His nature is to be cheap. You don’t need that.
We have all gotten stuck with tickets or what not before - his turn. No looking back with regrets. God cannot help you with Hope if you keep looking back with regret.

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

No! Do not reestablish contact with him. You will only make it that much harder to put things back in their proper place. Remember, you are approaching the end of Lent. Easter is almost here. Don’t give in to temptation! You have very good reason to sever ties with him, and you are doing a great job at being tough where you need to be tough.

third

 

[RSD]

You guys have no idea how much all of this support has helped me! I have NOT contacted him and he has not contacted me. I have been tempted, of course – but I’ve gone and done something else to distract myself. I have also found myself focusing on the many times he tried to get me to leave my soon to be exhusband for him. That was a horrible thing for him to do – and I realize that reveals a ton about his personality. He is not the person for me – regardless of the situation I’m currently in.

The only BAD thing about this is that I’ve been tempted to miss my husband. He is attending church and seeking forgiveness, but he has done this many times before. I put up with too much in my marriage to return to him - regardless of how religious and sorry he might be now. But, I will find the strength to be alone. It’s terribly difficult. I think I need to find a hobby and to continue doing a ton of praying.

Gracias!

Daily Mass is a good hobby. Also, praying the rosary, and adoration.

And now for something completely different: I teach riding lessons, and I get many adult women who are starting riding for the first time, but they all say " I have always wanted to ride. I wish I did this years ago." If there is something very healthy, like riding lessons, that you have always been wanting to do but never quite got yourself to do, now is the the time to start. I happen to think riding is especially good because it is fresh air, and exercise, and contact with a warm body who has NO sexual desire for you. And because horses are just really neat. There may be something else like that for you. Art lessons? Piano lessons? Ushering at the local theater?

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

Daily Mass is a good hobby. Also, praying the rosary, and adoration… If there is something very healthy, like riding lessons, that you have always been wanting to do but never quite got yourself to do, now is the the time to start…Art lessons? Piano lessons? Ushering at the local theater?

What a wonderful idea! Fill your time with things you enjoy or new things to try. Why do we women wait until there’s a man in our lives to do these things?

There are some really great support groups out there for women in your situation. There’s a support group for everything. I have a yahoo step-mom group that keeps me sane. We have lunch and share experiences. A couple thoughts of what can help you through this time (aside from the praying, etc):

• Find a buddy where you can call eachother when the unrest gets to you and you get these urges.
• Pay attention to your needs, not those urges from discomfort, but the real needs … support, unconditional love, encouragement, honesty. You deserve these.
• Trust God. You don’t have to decide anything important right now about anyone. Even if there is no future with your husband, there may be an opportunity for healing from your marriage.
• As for this other man, it may help to ask yourself, “If I were him would I be saying or doing what he is?” Bet you already know the answer.

You’re doing great and today I am saying prayers of gratitude that you are getting some clarity about what this man’s motives are and for the strength that you have already shown. You can do this and you deserve so much more.

May you have a day of peace.

 

[joandarc2008]

What a wonderful idea! Fill your time with things you enjoy or new things to try. Why do we women wait until there’s a man in our lives to do these things?

There are some really great support groups out there for women in your situation. There’s a support group for everything. I have a yahoo step-mom group that keeps me sane. We have lunch and share experiences. A couple thoughts of what can help you through this time (aside from the praying, etc):

• Find a buddy where you can call eachother when the unrest gets to you and you get these urges.
• Pay attention to your needs, not those urges from discomfort, but the real needs … support, unconditional love, encouragement, honesty. You deserve these.
• Trust God. You don’t have to decide anything important right now about anyone. Even if there is no future with your husband, there may be an opportunity for healing from your marriage.
• As for this other man, it may help to ask yourself, “If I were him would I be saying or doing what he is?” Bet you already know the answer.

You’re doing great and today I am saying prayers of gratitude that you are getting some clarity about what this man’s motives are and for the strength that you have already shown. You can do this and you deserve so much more.

May you have a day of peace.

And when really in doubt watch an episode of Jerry Springer or Maury Povich and you will be sure to remember that trash exists and thank goodness for single-hood at times like the ones you are in right now!!!

 

[startingover222]

Yes! So true! All of this is great advice. I have to tell you that all of your prayers are working. I have felt so strong. This man called me the other day and said he needed to chat. I thought - don’t call him – but then I decided to…and I let him HAVE IT.

I told him that he was controling and was completely unreasonable for continuing to contact me and pressure me. I said I don’t want you to ever contact me again. He said well, “i’m sorry if you felt I was pressuring you, I guess i’m just guilty of loving you too much”. He went off about how he can’t control himself around me (stop himself from kissing me even when I said we needed to be platonic) because he just LOVES ME TOO MUCH. I said if you really, really loved me you would not make me feel uncomfortable and pressure me or guilt me into being with you. That is not love, that is control.

He left the conversation saying that he was so sorry, again, for loving me too much. He hoped that I would change my mind when I get my annulment. He said you were always my friend and I will always be yours. I just said please don’t contact me again. Adios.

I really feel better about this ordeal because I can now see that he was not the person for me. No matter what. I’m grateful for all of your feedback. I am so much lighter without this cloud hanging over me. I just have to figure out how to fix the loneliness. I’m working on it.

Gracias!

 

[dulcissima]

Smiling reading this. Good for you!!

Life really will get better for you, and you are already off to a good start.

 

[jesuspsr]

YAAY!!
Good for you.
What he said to you are tactics to try to get you to feel sorry for him, don’t fall for that.

you’re In my prayers
JG

 

[joandarc2008]

Yes! So true! All of this is great advice. I have to tell you that all of your prayers are working. I have felt so strong. This man called me the other day and said he needed to chat. I thought - don’t call him – but then I decided to…and I let him HAVE IT.

I told him that he was controling and was completely unreasonable for continuing to contact me and pressure me. I said I don’t want you to ever contact me again. He said well, “i’m sorry if you felt I was pressuring you, I guess i’m just guilty of loving you too much”. He went off about how he can’t control himself around me (stop himself from kissing me even when I said we needed to be platonic) because he just LOVES ME TOO MUCH. I said if you really, really loved me you would not make me feel uncomfortable and pressure me or guilt me into being with you. That is not love, that is control.

He left the conversation saying that he was so sorry, again, for loving me too much. He hoped that I would change my mind when I get my annulment. He said you were always my friend and I will always be yours. I just said please don’t contact me again. Adios.

I really feel better about this ordeal because I can now see that he was not the person for me. No matter what. I’m grateful for all of your feedback. I am so much lighter without this cloud hanging over me. I just have to figure out how to fix the loneliness. I’m working on it.

Gracias!

Wow - The power of prayer. Forget twelve step meetings and turn to a ten page thread. Just kidding - Congrats - Now make sure you don’t turn to anger. God bless.