Sister is transgender and insists on being called male and by a male name - what can I do as a Catholic?

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Hello! My sister Debbie is insisting that we call her by her chosen male name, “Dante,” and refer to her in male terms. I explained to her, that as a Catholic, I could not do this or support her decision to live in this way, nor her intimate relationship with another transgendered woman living as a male. I told her that she was born my sister, and will always be my sister, and that I will always love her, but that I could not go along with or support this. She is now refusing to speak to me and calling me “disrespectful” because I told her the truth of what the church teaches and my feelings about her decision. (Though my sister is not Catholic, I felt that I should explain the churches stance on this, regardless, as my Catholic faith is a huge part of my identity.) What do I do in this situation?

Sincerely,

Samantha
 
Pray for her, she is ill. Be kind to her, but you are correct she is not a man and never will be. If she refuses a relationship with you because of that truth, then just continue to pray for her.
 
You’re not being dis-respectful just simply telling the truth. She is not a male, she is female. Pray for her, and be kind. Do not get all rude and mean, and if she get’s rude and mean for not referring to her in male terms, respond nicely as why you don’t want to refer to her in males terms. If she ignores you, then you may have to deal with it. Jesus says in Matthew 10:34-39, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.” Being a Christian in a Non-Christian family can tear a family apart, and Christ tells us this. You must hold fast to Christ, not to your Sister.
 
SBushman5278 said:
Hello! My sister Debbie is insisting that we call her by her chosen male name, “Dante,” and refer to her in male terms. I explained to her, that as a Catholic, I could not do this or support her decision to live in this way, nor her intimate relationship with another transgendered woman living as a male. I told her that she was born my sister, and will always be my sister, and that I will always love her, but that I could not go along with or support this. She is now refusing to speak to me and calling me “disrespectful” because I told her the truth of what the church teaches and my feelings about her decision. (Though my sister is not Catholic, I felt that I should explain the churches stance on this, regardless, as my Catholic faith is a huge part of my identity.) What do I do in this situation?

Sincerely,

Samantha
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Well the Church, despite popular myth, actually has no doctrine on the issue, and She actually allows for hormones and surgery if needed to eliminate the distress of a transsexual individual. Regardless, it is inappropriate for her to be dating someone of the same sex as she identifies with, and she would be barred from marriage anyway as a transsexual. You have to follow your conscience on this issue. If it tells you that you shouldn’t recognize the sex she says she’s always been, then you need to follow that. If it tells you otherwise, you are free to follow that as well.
 
Would you be okay calling her ‘D’ and avoiding third person pronouns? Especially at family functions. I don’t think this would be embracing her choice, rather, it would keep the door open to her.

You have given her the Church teachings. Unfortunately, at the moment her mind is made up. Arguing with her will make her feel like a martyr and possibly impede her acceptance of God. It may also cause problems for others when they feel they have to take sides.
 
SBushman5278 said:
Hello! My sister Debbie is insisting that we call her by her chosen male name, “Dante,” and refer to her in male terms. I explained to her, that as a Catholic, I could not do this or support her decision to live in this way, nor her intimate relationship with another transgendered woman living as a male. I told her that she was born my sister, and will always be my sister, and that I will always love her, but that I could not go along with or support this. She is now refusing to speak to me and calling me “disrespectful” because I told her the truth of what the church teaches and my feelings about her decision. (Though my sister is not Catholic, I felt that I should explain the churches stance on this, regardless, as my Catholic faith is a huge part of my identity.) What do I do in this situation?

Sincerely,

Samantha
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there is nothing you can do but pray for her. Since she isn’t Catholic, telling her that your stance is based on your faith is probably going to be meaningless to her and probably caused her the current reaction that you have. Maybe in looking back, it might have been wiser to say, “no matter what you do with your body, your genetics will always make you my sister and I will consider and call you such” and leave it at that.
 
Allegra said:
Where can I find this allowance in Catholic teaching?
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ncronline.org/news/vatican-says-sex-change-operation-does-not-change-persons-gender

[Note this is a CNS article, not a NCR article. CNS doesn’t archive that far back.]
The Vatican document’s specific points include:
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– An analysis of the moral licitness of “sex-change” operations. It concludes that the procedure could be morally acceptable in certain extreme cases if a medical probability exists that it will “cure” the patient’s internal turmoil.
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The document also details the current disciplinal ban on marriage and Holy Orders for transsexuals that I referenced in my post as well.
 
Seraphignatius said:
Besides the disciplinal ban she couldn’t validly mary a woman anyway.(Or recieve Holy Orders for that matter)
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Well no, because even if her condition is licit, she wouldn’t be able to provide male potency in a marriage. And if it isn’t licit, a marriage to a woman would be a homosexual “marriage.” Conversely, if it is licit, marrying a man would be a homosexual “marriage.” The Church is being super-cautious. And also, what you said is false regarding Holy Orders. Holy Orders doesn’t just mean the priesthood; it also means religious life. Without knowing if she has a licit condition, the Church cannot determine her gender, and thus the Church puts a blanket ban on Holy Orders, as they are all gendered in nature (as is marriage). But if the Church had a definitive definition of her gender, then she would almost certainly be able to enter into Holy Orders. There are no potency requirements for that.
 
SMGS127 said:
Well no, because even if her condition is licit, she wouldn’t be able to provide male potency in a marriage. And if it isn’t licit, a marriage to a woman would be a homosexual “marriage.” Conversely, if it is licit, marrying a man would be a homosexual “marriage.” The Church is being super-cautious. And also, what you said is false regarding Holy Orders. Holy Orders doesn’t just mean the priesthood; it also means religious life. Without knowing if she has a licit condition, the Church cannot determine her gender, and thus the Church puts a blanket ban on Holy Orders, as they are all gendered in nature (as is marriage). But if the Church had a definitive definition of her gender, then she would almost certainly be able to enter into Holy Orders. There are no potency requirements for that.
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Holy orders doesn’t just mean the priesthood true enough, it also means the diaconate and the episcopacy. Holy Orders is the sacrament of ordination and has nothing to do with religious consecration. Also, one cannot change sex with hormone therapy and surgery. Assuming she was ever a woman she could never be a priest. (or marry a woman, for that matter.)
 
SBushman5278 said:
Hello! My sister Debbie is insisting that we call her by her chosen male name, “Dante,” and refer to her in male terms. I explained to her, that as a Catholic, I could not do this or support her decision to live in this way, nor her intimate relationship with another transgendered woman living as a male. I told her that she was born my sister, and will always be my sister, and that I will always love her, but that I could not go along with or support this. She is now refusing to speak to me and calling me “disrespectful” because I told her the truth of what the church teaches and my feelings about her decision. (Though my sister is not Catholic, I felt that I should explain the churches stance on this, regardless, as my Catholic faith is a huge part of my identity.) What do I do in this situation?

Sincerely,

Samantha
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I’d actually discuss this with a confessor/priest on how to proceed and as SMGS already noted forming your conscience.

Personally, I try not to let familial relationships impede my relationship with God.
 
Seraphignatius said:
Besides the disciplinal ban she couldn’t validly mary a woman anyway.(Or recieve Holy Orders for that matter)
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This has nothing to do with Op’s question and the sister in question is not Catholic. Op indicated to her sister who want to be a male now that she isn’t going to acknowledge this due to her Catholic faith. Now this sister is mad and won’t speak to her. It probably would have been better if Op stated that she will always see and consider this women her sister because that is what her genetic will always be. All this other stuff has nothing to do with the question at hand.
 
SuperLuigi said:
I’d actually discuss this with a confessor/priest on how to proceed and as SMGS already noted forming your conscience.

Personally, I try not to let familial relationships impede my relationship with God.
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👍
 
robwar said:
This has nothing to do with Op’s question and the sister in question is not Catholic. Op indicated to her sister who want to be a male now that she isn’t going to acknowledge this due to her Catholic faith. Now this sister is mad and won’t speak to her. It probably would have been better if Op stated that she will always see and consider this women her sister because that is what her genetic will always be. All this other stuff has nothing to do with the question at hand.
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I DID say that to my sister, and she still called me disrespectful and refuses to speak with me.
 
Dacinom said:
You are not alone, and your experience is not unique to people that are Catholic Christians either. I know of people in your situation that were not really practicing any faith, yet found it painfully difficult if not impossible to call their sibling by a new name and gender. Someone you have known your entire life as your sister, now wants to be your brother, this would be difficult for anyone to embrace whether they were Catholic, Athiest, Jewish, Agnostic or anything!

Your sister is lost and seeking something. Clearly she is confused and so is her romantic partner. She needs love and compassion and many, many prayers.

Right now she is not speaking to you so she has made her decision so there really is not much for you to do. You may want to reach out to her occasionally by sending a card or note. Calling her “D” as someone else suggested is a good idea. Keeping it simple just saying “I love you I hope you are well” may keep the door open. You were right in not embracing her lifestyle but she won’t see it that way. She is wounded and searching for something, pray for her.
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What if the cost of living as their sister caused them lifelong excruciating pain, could you at least make allowances for that? That is how it is for a whole lot of transgender people.
 
Joie_de_Vivre said:
What if the cost of living as their sister caused them lifelong excruciating pain, could you at least make allowances for that? That is how it is for a whole lot of transgender people.
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I get the impression that the sister is telling the family she is changing her gender and that they’d better get used to it. In fact, they’d better embrace it and accept the whole agenda.

If I had a spouse / sibling / child who announced I was henceforth to consider them to be the opposite gender, it would cause ME excruciating pain. But I suppose that doesn’t count.

When the transgender person isn’t willing to make allowances for the pain inflicted on the family, but instead insists that I be the one to make all the compromises against all my moral standards, I have no choice but to wish them well and let them go. That’s what God did when His people refused to follow in His footsteps. It’s a painful choice, but necessary.

If we have any hope of maintaining a family relationship, there have to be compromises on both sides. The question is, how far can I compromise without violating my own morals?
 
Nan_S said:
I get the impression that the sister is telling the family she is changing her gender and that they’d better get used to it. In fact, they’d better embrace it and accept the whole agenda.

If I had a spouse / sibling / child who announced I was henceforth to consider them to be the opposite gender, it would cause ME excruciating pain. But I suppose that doesn’t count.

When the transgender person isn’t willing to make allowances for the pain inflicted on the family, but instead insists that I be the one to make all the compromises against all my moral standards, I have no choice but to wish them well and let them go. That’s what God did when His people refused to follow in His footsteps. It’s a painful choice, but necessary.

If we have any hope of maintaining a family relationship, there have to be compromises on both sides. The question is, how far can I compromise without violating my own morals?
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I’m talking about excruciating pain, not discomfort.

Take a look at the transgender attempted suicide rate and remember that number doesn’t count those who have successfully committed suicide.
 
SMGS127 said:
Well the Church, despite popular myth, actually has no doctrine on the issue, and She actually allows for hormones and surgery if needed to eliminate the distress of a transsexual individual.
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Actually, what the article says is that he procedure could be morally acceptable in certain extreme cases if a medical probability exists that it will “cure” the patient’s internal turmoil. It doesn’t say every case, just certain extreme cases.

As to the poster’s original question, I have a niece that has this and I will call her whatever name she wants to be called. Many women have nicknames that sound like male names - like Danny for Danielle or have names that can be either male or female like Marty. So I don’t see this any different. Just because you call her by her preferred name doesn’t mean you support what she is doing.
 
SBushman5278 said:
Hello! My sister Debbie is insisting that we call her by her chosen male name, “Dante,” and refer to her in male terms.
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If neither ‘Debbie’ nor ‘Dante’ works for both of you, how about ‘Sib’, short for “sibling”? That applies to both sexes.

rossum
 
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