Sleeping in Separate Beds!

[kittery]

Hi everyone!

I need to vent/get advice from you wonderful people. I posted several weeks back over on the Parenting forum about hubby’s and my sleeping situation. We have two children, ages 2 1/2 and 14 months. Up until about two weeks ago, all of us were sleeping in the same room: we had a crib on one side of the room, our queen size bed in the middle of the room, and a twin size mattress on the floor of the other side of our bed. This room is about 10x14, so on the small side for all of this.

Over the past six months, all of this became increasingly taxing on the amount/quality of sleep any of us was getting. It was musical beds all night long- DD wouldn’t sleep in her crib for more than two hours, and DS wouldn’t stay on his twin for more than half the night without one of us being down there with him. Many times I’d wake up and all four of us would be in the queen together!

I came to the boards for advice and the resounding message was to “reclaim the marriage bed”. Very sound advice, I thought. I was thankful to have an objective view on our situation and I could easily see how this situation was causing stress in our marriage.

So I went to DH with the idea of getting a king bed for our room, and setting up the other bedroom with the “hand me down” queen so that the kids could sleep together (since they are both cuddlers and neither likes to sleep alone). We had planned to do this once we move into a new house that we are just beginning to build, but I suggested we do it now since the situation had become unbearable. He agreed.

We went shopping and a few days later, found a mattress and bed that we both liked. He picked out the mattress, and it was more than we had planned on spending, but it is a high quality mattress with a 20-year warranty, so we bought it.

The first night he slept in with the kids. The next night he slept in the bed with me for not even half the night before moving into the other room with the kids. The next day he told me that he hates this mattress and cannot sleep on it. The next night I slept in with the kids and he slept 10 hours in the new bed alone. But ever since that night, he’s been sleeping in with the kids. We’ve had this new mattress for two weeks now.

I love the mattress. I’ve been getting the best sleep I’ve had since the kids were born. Now he’s been upset with me over this whole turn of events saying that I had to go out and buy a nice fancy bed, and that I don’t care about what he wants. But he chose THIS MATTRESS. I didn’t need to spend this much money, I just felt that we needed a bigger bed. I’m thinking that we should go back to the store where we bought it and get a different mattress.

But is it wierd that now that we have our “own room”, he’s not sleeping in it with me? The mattress is one of those newer “spring free” latex mattresses. It’s not THAT unbearable. There’s a huge hole in our marriage and I’ve been trying to find it and fix it. I thought maybe this was our answer, but it’s gotten worse! Any advice???

 

[LSK]

He stated that you do not care what he wants. What exactly does he want?

I’m confused…you probably are too!

 

[Sr_Sally]

I didn’t see your first thread, but I will state that we slept with a ‘family bed’ for several years (kinda like you first arrangement), we slept in separate rooms for a while because of sleep schedules and kids, and now we also have a huge new king size bed that we both love. And, we just celebrated our 16th anniversary.

However, all of our decisions were made jointly. It sounds like you need to find out what it is that your dh wants. Was he bothered by the kids in the room to begin with? Does he simply and truly not like the mattress? Or is there something more serious going on?

You should also figure out what your options are regarding the new mattress. Call the store and find out if it can be returned or exchanged. If not, one of your suggestions to dh might be to give the new bed to the children and you guys go back to the old.

But really, you shouldn’t make any suggestions until you know what is bothering him.

 

[1ke]

It’s not the matress.

There is something else going on. Find someone to watch the kids and spend some alone time, talking about this and whatevr other issues you have going on.

 

[kage_ar]

People can be happily married and not sleep in the same bed. DH snores to wake the dead (earplugs, white noise, nothing blocks out what comes from that man). I am a very light sleeper, and if I wake up, it takes me hours to get back to sleep - in order for us to function during the day, we MUST both get sleep. We have had separate beds for years. No big deal, we love each other, we are happy and very close.

DH comes in my bed at night, every night, and we have our time together. Then, before I fall asleep, he leaves (if he leaves after I’m asleep, the movement and sound wake me and I’m up for at least 2 more hours).

Sleeping apart does NOT mean the end of a marriage.

 

[DJgang]

Going on 10 years here and only three of them did we have a marriage bed… now, all of us sleep in the same bedroom! I am all for the security a child feels from co-sleeping…

Now, having said that…I am confused as well. Is DH upset about co-sleeping OR is he upset about not…um…getting it on? Well, just to be blunt and reading between the lines, of course (and you don’t have to answer that, LOL)

Date Night!

Claim every Saturday night, Date Night…get the kids asleep…the bedroom is not the only place for you know what…be creative.

 

[Wolseley]

My wife and I have slept in seperate rooms for years----we both snore and keep each other awake. After we’d been married for three years and I was stumbling around in a zomboid state, we both finally agreed that our present setup in much more conducive to good rest for both of us.

So, she sleeps downstairs in her room, and I sleep upstairs in my room, next door to my six-year old in his room.

 

[Island_Oak]

Since snoring doesn’t seem to be the reason *your *marriage bed is cold…I’d agree it’s something else. I would also second all the votes for some time away, say a weekend in a hotel on a neutral mattress, for a chance to hash this out and reconnect. You simply can’t have a productive conversation, much less sustained intimacy, without interruption having kids as small as yours. Best plan might be for you to arrange child care, book the hotel and dinner reservations then surprise your man with a weekend away. Good luck!

 

[kittery]

Thank you to all who’ve weighed in on our situation. I called the store and we’re going in this afternoon after DH gets off work to discuss this with the manager. So hopefully the mattress issue will be resolved, but yes, there may be more to all of this.

I’ve often wondered if it’s just us or if any couple with children as young as ours has a difficult time sustaining a conversation that lasts more than 30 seconds. Our two children (ages 2 and 1) seem to find it insulting every time DH and I try to talk to just each other. They choose those times to tug on us for a sippy cup or to solve one of their many disagreements.

Several of you suggested alone time- Island Oak’s idea sounds pretty good (luxurious actually). I’m starting nursing school two weeks from today, so I should get right on that!

Maybe our situation is common in families with little toddlers. They sure do take up ALL of your waking hours. And once we had the second one, babysitting offers went WAY DOWN. So in the last fourteen months, we’ve probably went on four dates. I guess our communication and connection has slowly eroded away to the bare minimum during this time. How do you get it back?

Short-term, I think we need a quick getaway so that we can re-establish a connection. Long-term, how about some ideas from all of you on how to create a routine that keeps us connected, and that keeps the “love accounts” full? Each time we’ve suggested to each other that we spend alone time after the kids go to bed or we have a bi-monthly date night, that idea falls quickly by the wayside. We’ll do it once or twice and then quit. How do some of you “keep the ball rolling”?

 

[Sierrah]

I would train the kids to sleep on their own. It’s never a good idea for kids to share their parent room or bed in my opinion. The break has to come at some point the longer you put it off the more difficult it will become and the harder on the kid. No matter how painfull it may seem at first in the long run it’s better for the kids to have their own bed. No matter how much they cry and complain about it.

 

[RWMorris]

“Keep the ball rolling” by making SURE that you have time together without the kids. It is essential that your husband knows he comes first. I’v been married for 22 years so I know what I am talking about.
You must get into a habit of making the children your secondary priority and your marriage first priority. Believe me, your DH will appreciate that. Let him know he comes first.

 

[JoeSchmeau]

I have no doubt that you’re a wonderful mother, full of love for your children. They will turn out wonderfully…but it sounds like you’re making life pretty difficult for yourself by making your children feel that the family revolves around them. I personally think that your children would do better to learn that they are part of the family…very important, but not the center of the family. I think your life would be a lot easier too.

 

[Jennifer_J]

I have no doubt that you’re a wonderful mother, full of love for your children. They will turn out wonderfully…but it sounds like you’re making life pretty difficult for yourself by making your children feel that the family revolves around them. I personally think that your children would do better to learn that they are part of the family…very important, but not the center of the family. I think your life would be a lot easier too.

At ages 2 and 1, the family does pretty much revolve around them, lol. Seriously, at that age children are still VERY needy…

Your choice to co-sleep is your family’s choice and should be made by the adults in the family. If you and your DH feel it’s time to move them to their own beds, then do it. If you are both okay with co-sleeping then there is no problem with continuing–no matter what other posters on here say. I have 6 children who have all shared sleep with us at some point. Transitioning doesn’t have to be that hard.

I would also like to say that we manage quite fine without official going out dates. It’s hard to find a sitter for 6 children, lol, so we have to create out own at home date nights or time to talk without interruption. We rarely go out, though, infact it’s been years at this point. Do what works for you both

Jennifer

 

[duskyjewel]

I would train the kids to sleep on their own. It’s never a good idea for kids to share their parent room or bed in my opinion. The break has to come at some point the longer you put it off the more difficult it will become and the harder on the kid. No matter how painfull it may seem at first in the long run it’s better for the kids to have their own bed. No matter how much they cry and complain about it.

I am getting so tired of posts like this. Sierrah, did you actually want to offer something useful to this discussion, which revolves around something the OP is trying to solve right now, or did you just feel the need to insert a contrary opinion? Because your post does not address the OP’s problem, nor offer any practical, helpful ideas for solutions. I really wish the CIO types could please just STOP hijacking every thread posted by a co-sleeper. If they added something relevant to the discussion, I might have more sympathy. But usually, they offer nothing helpful, just, “Kids should never sleep with their parents. Just throw them out and let them cry.”

As for the OP, she and her husband have chosen co-sleeping for many good reasons. I actually agreed with you in her previous thread that the time has come to separate the children from the parents’ bed, in a LOVING and COMPASSIONATE way. Not by just letting them cry, which is cruel. It will be a gradual process, and should be done in a way that respects small children’s very real need for closeness that does not suddenly go away when the sun goes down.

kittery,
I have to agree with the others that something else is going on with your husband. I am glad to hear that the mattress issue is being addressed, though I am so confused by that as he picked it. I am just wondering, once you get another mattress, what his next thing will be. He seems to be avoiding being alone with you, and I can’t fathom why. Most guys who are feeling intimacy-deprived, and have a wife who is seeking to solve that problem and expressing her desire to have alone time in bed with him, would definitely NOT pull away like this! Is there anything going on with him that could lead you to believe he has “performance anxiety?” I hate to even bring this up, but could he be getting his sexual needs met elsewhere? Many times, a husband who is straying will suddenly and inexplicably withdraw sexually from his wife. Or could he be having that issue that some guys have, where you have become too much “mama” in his eyes, and he has trouble viewing you as a sexual partner? Sometimes people on both sides of a couple have trouble reconciling both those roles. Like, how do you turn off Daddy and become “Stud”? How do you turn off Mommy and become “Temptress”? And when you have kids as small as yours, sometimes you have to be able to make that transition inside of five minutes, or else nothing will be able to happen before the little ones need you again. The toddler years are the hurried, thank-God-we-have-ten-minutes-for-a-quickie years.

My DH and I never get to go out on dates. We just don’t have people we trust close enough to sit for us. Or money. So we get out alone maybe once or twice a year. You don’t have to go OUT on dates to have quality time with your spouse. It can be as simple as planning a night where the kids eat dinner early and get bathed and put to bed a little early, and then Mom and Dad have a nice dinner together, maybe followed by a romantic movie (or an old fave from courtship days) or just time to talk. Joint bubble baths, with reciprocal back rubs, and wine can do wonders for making that time really connected and special. Make it something you look forward to and that would never happen when the kids are awake.

In any case, co-sleeping is NOT the problem in your marriage. Please don’t let anyone convince you that it is. As I said on your previous thread, I do think it’s time for you and DH to lovingly, gently, and gradually set boundaries. And I gave you tips on how to do that. There is no reason that you and your DH can’t continue to give your children what they need at night and at the same time have a close, fulfilling marriage, with all that entails. Unless there is some other issue going on blocking that, and it sounds like there is something with your DH. You just have to get him to tell you what it is.

 

[kittery]

DuskyJewel,

Thank you for your very encouraging, very thought-provoking post! I did use your suggestion about having them sleep together-it seemed like the obvious solution once it was brought up I can’t believe I couldn’t come up with that one on my own, but I certainly appreciated the wonderful suggestion!

The kids have been sharing their own room now for three weeks. At first they seemed apprehensive, but only the two year old has actually come into our room on two separate occasions. Otherwise, DH will go in there with them for the rest of the night if he happens to be in our bed with me when one of them starts to cry. They are waking up less and less already as I think the whole “musical beds” routine has come to an end and it has made things more peaceful for them too. They seem to be getting used to sleeping longer periods at night:thumbsup:

As for the mattress, we have an exchange on order which will arrive at the end of next week. I told him flirtatiously that if once this new mattress arrives and he still won’t sleep with me at night, I’m going to have to wonder what’s REALLY going on!

He was definitely pleased that I went for switching the mattress out even though I’m perfectly loving this one. I got some points with him there, so that’s good.

I like your suggestions on dates at home, they sound like great ideas. Honestly, I do just crave ALONE time. Not a busy restaurant or a movie theater. Just space to talk, and cuddle and BE TOGETHER. But… your comment about how he is withdrawing even in the face of intimacy deprivation rings true to me. It really does feel like he’s avoiding me. I’ve struggled a lot with some depression since the birth of our second, and a general sense of being overwhelmed. I’m entering nursing school in less than two weeks on top of all of this and some days I’m paralyzed by my “freaking out” feelings.

When I go to him for support/comfort/reassurance, his response is very hollow to me. It’s usually, “hmm. I’m sorry about that.” Or, “Baby, you know I’m here.” I feel that there’s a serious lack of emotional support, or even a lack in his ability to care about ME. I feel like a fixture in our marriage more than an individual. Does that make sense or sound familiar to anyone???

 

[Wolseley]

When I go to him for support/comfort/reassurance, his response is very hollow to me. It’s usually, “hmm. I’m sorry about that.” Or, “Baby, you know I’m here.” I feel that there’s a serious lack of emotional support, or even a lack in his ability to care about ME. I feel like a fixture in our marriage more than an individual. Does that make sense or sound familiar to anyone???

It’s quite likely that, like most men, he has utterly no clue about how to respond to you or how to fill your emotional needs. The two of you need to purchase these two books—you read yours, and he reads his, and then you swap and read each other’s. If he, especially, takes it to heart, it can be a life-changer.

For him:
amazon.com/If-Only-He-Knew-Resist/dp/0310214785/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-6326176-2921663?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189554044&sr=1-1

For you:
amazon.com/Better-Best-Gary-Smalley/dp/031021467X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/002-6326176-2921663?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189554044&sr=1-2

 

[Jay2]

To preface, I’m not a supporter of “Co-sleeping”. Just because the kids were made there, it doesn’t mean they get to sleep there.

When I go to him for support/comfort/reassurance, his response is very hollow to me. It’s usually, “hmm. I’m sorry about that.” Or, “Baby, you know I’m here.” I feel that there’s a serious lack of emotional support, or even a lack in his ability to care about ME. I feel like a fixture in our marriage more than an individual.

My guess is he feels “sold out”. Your children’s sleeping comfort has usurped the very last oasis of man & woman in the house… that 45sq.ft. called a mattress… formerly known as “our bed”.

It’s now the “family’s bed”… C’mon in, there’s room for everybody! Nah, we don’t need any time alone anymore… even if the need “arises” (pun intended) we’ll just crawl over 3 or 4 kids and try and make another!.. it’s all in the family!

With the exception of nursing infants…BOOT THE YOUNGSTERS OUT. Getting up from YOUR bed, and going across the hallway to calm/soothe them is NO different than having them wake you in the same room… it’s only a few steps and seconds away.

Buy books from “experts”… read all you want. I’ll still maintain that a husband & wife’s bedroom is just that… a husband & wife’s room… children are allowed in under terms.

 

[KCtheMommy]

You know, I am reading this and the responses, and I am just thinking of my own marriage and what I know to be true. Sometimes the DH just makes a bad choice – and is embarrassed – whilst uncomfortable…and doesn’t know how to say it or own up to it.

It could really be JUST the mattress. So, even though YOU are sleeping well, he’s not. And he feels foolish because he picked it. He could just be wanting you to decide it’s a bad mattress too. OR it could be he’s feeling GUILTY about spending so much (and WOW mattresses are EXPENSIVE these days!) and it’s less incriminating for him to sleep on the old mattress while you enjoy the new one.

Sure there might be more to it, but I think it’s a simple guy thing. Of those ideas above. My DH can be really tweaked by a bad mattress (funny since he’s a sailor and has to sleep on a terrible small bunk for 6 months on end in a room full of 200 other men in uncomfortable bunks – talk about humbling!) but he can also be tweaked by amount of money spent on any household item since he works so hard to support his family.

Just give him some time and understanding. Light some candles. Exhaust the kids and have them pass-out on their own accord (I mean HARD CORE park session, plus a walk – LOL), and invite your hubby to his nice, new bed. Tell him how comfy you think it is, and tell him you want to share it with him, properly. Remind him how many hours a day us humans spend in bed and we SHOULD be comfy, and we SHOULD enjoy it!

Serisouly though – if he’s not comfy, return it. There is a middle ground you can reach. Girlfriend – have you tried TEMPURPEDIC? Oh my, my, my, just laying down in the showroom gave me an experience (and an over-whelming desire to nap!) LOL

 

[kittery]

KCatheMommy-

"OR it could be he’s feeling GUILTY about spending so much (and WOW mattresses are EXPENSIVE these days!) and it’s less incriminating for him to sleep on the old mattress while you enjoy the new one."You said something there that I hadn’t been able to put a finger on. I have wondered if he feels like it’s an embarrassing amount of money to spend on a mattress, and letting me enjoy it alone, sets me up to be “THE ONE” who “just had to have it”. Funny thing is, when we went back to the store to find a different one to trade this one in on, the new one that he wanted was $500 more than this one. We ended up going with one down from that one, to something that costed almost the same as what we bought the first time around.

Yes, we tried tempurepedic out. I too, wanted to take a nap right there! He said that he hated the feeling of having to fight his way out of his body impression every time he wanted to move. The mattress that we originally ended up going with was a “springfree” 100% Latex mattress. No springs to wear out, but a supple softness that cradles you to sleep:heaven: Now we chose a mattress that has individually pocketed coils in the pillowtop, and double-tempered steel heavy-gauge coils in the core of the mattress. Once the new mattress arrives, the little piece of heaven is being sent back to the store:crying: BUT, hopefully, my hubby is coming back to bed with me when the new mattress arrives

 

[Island_Oak]

Yes, we tried tempurepedic out. I too, wanted to take a nap right there! He said that he hated the feeling of having to fight his way out of his body impression every time he wanted to move.

Been there, heard that! For what it’s worth…we just had a new mattress delivered last week after doing some comparative shopping. We also suffered some sticker shock, but realized (rationalized?!) that a mattress is with you for years and it made sense to choose wisely. We started looking at Temperpedic~I loved it, my husband hated it. The salesman wisely offered that it was usually all or nothing with those mattresses–either love/hate and if you hated it at first, you would not “get used” to it, but more likely end up returning it.

…Now we chose a mattress that has individually pocketed coils in the pillowtop, and double-tempered steel heavy-gauge coils in the core of the mattress…

This is exactly what we went with~top of the line Stearns & Foster (and based on the cost our next family vacation might have to be in our new bed). We both have back issues and in the past have gone with a very firm mattress. Now I’m having pressure-point issues-a side sleeper whose hip, knees & shoulder hurt if the mattress is too hard. This new one is like a DREAM. The first two nights we had it I slept about 10-11 hours so solidly I think my body was catching up from all those past nights of tossing and turning. And the good thing about having coil support in the pillow top is it won’t just compress–but will stay soft and supportive.

BUT, hopefully, my hubby is coming back to bed with me when the new mattress arrives

The only thing better than having a new mattress to break in, is…having two! :bounce: