So a woman rests her hand on my back at Mass yesterday. What's a guy to do?

[chevalier]

The hand-holding isn’t exactly correct in liturgical terms, but I doubt people who do it or who otherwise touch others mean anything bad. Personally, I’m rather conservative, but I’ve found that reassuring sometimes in my life. I sometimes think if it’s not because of some kind of stand-offish attitude that we can’t tolerate touching. If it’s nothing sexual or snuggle-you-to-death clingy, it’s probably normal human contact on an equal and close base, which isn’t something we’re prepared to take. On the one hand, we have the right to our privacy, on the other hand we shouldn’t treat other people as untouchables. One of the definitions of a pariah in the Indian caste system (the lowest caste) is untouchable. This certainly doesn’t mean we have to go out hugging people, but sometimes I think it’s somewhat arrogant of me to flee any contact with people. When I start thinking of them as fellow humans, even more - brothers and sisters in Christ - then I suddenly feel less bad about contact.

Obviously I’m not telling you to accept the kind of touching you don’t like and when you don’t like it. In fact, I’d rather people marked it as a practice they introduce out of their persuasion within the Catholic Church, rather than making it mandatory as a better expression of Christianity.

 

[Lux_et_Tenebrae]

HI,

Feelings are personal, and most are OK.

It is fine to look to comfort or be comforted, but it is not OK to cross someone’s personal boundary without their permission, especially with this uncommon gesture.

I would not consider it out of order or even unfriendly to tell this woman nicely that she should not touch anyone without their permission, especially from the rear which could startle them as well.

Lux

 

[lizaanne]

Just a speculation, but perhaps she is a convert? Some protestant groups do a “laying on of hands” thing when praying. Who knows!

As a side note - I was at a Lenten prayer service one year and was standing next to this early 20’s guy who was SOOOO sick he should have been in bed. He blew is VERY wet and sloppy nose for the entire hour, using the same cloth handkerchief. I was so ill just hearing him the whole time that the only thing I could do was just pray that he would not try to hold my hand when we said the Our Father. I put my head down and clasped my hands, and thanks be to God, he left me alone. I just wanted to turn to him and tell him GO HOME AND GO TO BED, YOU ARE SICK FOR CRYIN’ OUT SIDEWAYS!!! Oh well - some folks.

~Liza

 

[CarrieH]

I’m not real big on hand-holding during the OF or hugs from strangers during the SOP, or any of that touchy stuff. When I went through RCIA, it was at a very liberal parish that was very “touchy-feely” and had liturgical dancers, and all that – we even had a dancer who was a Dominican sister! I thought that holding hands was standard procedure until I started reading up on it. So most likely this back-touching woman thought she was doing a good thing, and it never occurred to her that her actions might make someone uncomforable. I’d say, give her the benefit of the doubt, but sit elsewhere in the future!

 

[Lepanto]

So most likely this back-touching woman thought she was doing a good thing, and it never occurred to her that her actions might make someone uncomforable. I’d say, give her the benefit of the doubt, but sit elsewhere in the future!

Yeah, I figured she was acting out of innocent ignorance, so I didn’t say anything and just let it slide (a “backslide”? )

This was at a very progressive parish, complete with video projectors and a babbling-brook baptistry but no kneelers or confessionals, etc.

Maybe I should’ve introduced her to Catholic Answers.

 

[mommyof4]

Maybe the woman thought you looked lonely, sad, or whatever and needed comforting. I think it came from a good spot in her heart. Maybe thank the Lord that you had someone sitting next to you who thought you needed a little TLC and compassion.

 

[CatholicCajun]

I think that if you had wanted to hold hands,you would have turned around and grabbed for her hand, the fact that you did not should sent a message. I am sure she had the best of intentions and God Bless her for them. Hubby and I don’e like the practice either and we both bow our heads, close our eyes and clasp our hands like they are held with glue, luckily we sit in a small side pew so no one can sit with us and the lady who sits in front of us is a friend who knows that we do not practice the holding of hands. God Bless you.

 

[b_justb]

You could do what this guy did:http://www.coolsmilies.net/bonk/slap.gifHe said, “Hey, mind laying off the hands already?”

 

[Cranch]

or my brother’s idea, two long bamboo back-scratchers, one for each hand, to extend at that time.

I’m picturing these being slowly deployed simultaneously from a vertical to horizontal position at the appropriate time and someone grabbing the tiny little bent-fingered hand at the end.

 

[Fidelia]

Not all parishes hold hands. My parish always did. The one where my former boyfriend grew up never did. He thought it was weird the first time at my parish. Maybe go to one that doesn’t do it, if it is that much of a problem.

 

[OneAugustKnight]

I didn’t know whether to laugh or take offense. She was apparently so intent on holding hands that my back would have to suffice.

What’s a guy to do?

If you can, at will, audibly pass gas, then you could probably break her of her habit without getting into an arguement or intellectually offending her.

 

[WanderAimlessly]

As usual, I try to sit with enough distance between me and others (I attend Mass alone) to subtly preclude anybody from trying to hold my hand during the Our Father. Of course, I would take someone’s hand if offered to me, out of courtesy, but I’d rather avoid the situation to begin with. I dislike this incongruous practice in the Mass.

Yesterday, I was the only one sitting in my particular pew, on purpose. During the Our Father, as is my practice, I clasped my hands, closed my eyes, and bowed my head…then I felt a hand resting on my back! :bigyikes: The woman sitting behind me must’ve felt that I was terribly lonely or something because she just went and placed her hand on my back between my shoulders, right below the neck, and she kept it there right through the prayer! This had never happened to me before.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or take offense. She was apparently so intent on holding hands that my back would have to suffice.

What’s a guy to do?

With me , that could be very dangerous. I have a raw nerve in my neck and if someone hits it, I tend to throw an elbow backwards. Fortunately, the parishes I have been at frown on holding hands.

 

[mommyof4]

If you can, at will, audibly pass gas, then you could probably break her of her habit without getting into an arguement or intellectually offending her.

I think that this is a natural talent for most men, isn’t it?

 

[m134e5]

As usual, I try to sit with enough distance between me and others (I attend Mass alone) to subtly preclude anybody from trying to hold my hand during the Our Father. Of course, I would take someone’s hand if offered to me, out of courtesy, but I’d rather avoid the situation to begin with. I dislike this incongruous practice in the Mass.

Yesterday, I was the only one sitting in my particular pew, on purpose. During the Our Father, as is my practice, I clasped my hands, closed my eyes, and bowed my head…then I felt a hand resting on my back! :bigyikes: The woman sitting behind me must’ve felt that I was terribly lonely or something because she just went and placed her hand on my back between my shoulders, right below the neck, and she kept it there right through the prayer! This had never happened to me before.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or take offense. She was apparently so intent on holding hands that my back would have to suffice.

What’s a guy to do?

Walk out into the aisle

 

[DJgang]

I am so enjoying this thread…

 

[KCT]

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I’m sure the woman in question here had nothing but the most Christian and loving intentions for you. I’m certain she was praying for you during that our father.

True, and I would take it good naturedly as well. Once I had someone take my hand out of my pocket and hold it.

It does bug me, though, that people feel free to touch me when I’ve made no indication that I want to be touched. It’s still my body and I don’t think people should touch me w/o permission.

—KCT

 

[StephanieC]

It’s interesting that the OP, a man, is getting so many responses to “ignore it” or “offer it up” or “assume the best of Christian intentions”, etc.

Let me throw a little lighter fluid into the thread & ask, What if a man did the same to me, a woman, at Mass?

Has the OP considered that maybe she was hitting on him? (Crazier things have happened in Mass–read this forum!)

Maybe I (as a woman) have simply had more experience in enforcing my personal boundaries, but were that to happen to me, be it either a man or woman placing their hand on my back, I would have NO PROBLEM looking them square in the face, saying, “Could you please remove your hand? You are making me uncomfortable. Thank you.”

I’d deal with the fallout after Mass, if need be, but would feel no obligation to explain.

I really do think there’s a male/female difference in perception going on here, though.

 

[Lepanto]

Let me throw a little lighter fluid into the thread & ask, What if a man did the same to me, a woman, at Mass?

Wow…this is SO TRUE! I wonder what would happen if I sat behind her next Sunday and rested my hand on her. There definitely is a double standard regarding these things.

Has the OP considered that maybe she was hitting on him? (Crazier things have happened in Mass–read this forum!)

Well, most men think that most women are constantly hitting on them. But in church??

 

[mommyof4]

It’s interesting that the OP, a man, is getting so many responses to “ignore it” or “offer it up” or “assume the best of Christian intentions”, etc.

Let me throw a little lighter fluid into the thread & ask, What if a man did the same to me, a woman, at Mass?

Has the OP considered that maybe she was hitting on him? (Crazier things have happened in Mass–read this forum!)

You’re right. We wouldn’t consider that to be appropriate if a man did that to a woman.

 

[boppaid]

I can take or leave hand-holding, but that is really going too far, and I would address it.

Perhaps either shrug it off (like a bug) or move out of her reach. I think I would turn and smile, and move away. If you allow it, she may think this is ok.

Lux

I think that might hurt her feelings, as she obviously had only the best of intentions. Maybe next time, after mass, turn around and tell her that you appreciate her efforts, but you are uncomfortable being touched in mass? Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t say anything, though.