So, I got a good deal on a ring

[puzzleannie]

this entire story is fascinating, and we really feel for you, but it is also somewhat confusing. I still do not understand, other than the fact the lady is not Catholic, why you did not propose. I am sure you have good reasons. But what really amazes me is that you (and me and I am sure many others who are interested in helping and supporting you here) and the young lady all expected you to propose at Christmas, and you have not even given her any explanation of why you didn’t. That seems cold and irrational. You evidently have an internal spiritual struggle going on that is influencing your decisions in this relationship, but you are not sharing it with the lady involved. I don’t see much future for this relationship, or any future relationship, if you can’t move beyond such a barrier and come to such a spiritual sharing. We will pray for you.

 

[Katie1723]

As for myself…I was wondering just how much of this story is true. And how “advantageous” the “chat request” was. Well timed!
~ Kathy ~

 

[montanaman]

puzzleannie:

this entire story is fascinating, and we really feel for you, but it is also somewhat confusing. I still do not understand, other than the fact the lady is not Catholic, why you did not propose. I am sure you have good reasons. But what really amazes me is that you (and me and I am sure many others who are interested in helping and supporting you here) and the young lady all expected you to propose at Christmas, and you have not even given her any explanation of why you didn’t. That seems cold and irrational. You evidently have an internal spiritual struggle going on that is influencing your decisions in this relationship, but you are not sharing it with the lady involved. I don’t see much future for this relationship, or any future relationship, if you can’t move beyond such a barrier and come to such a spiritual sharing. We will pray for you.

Why didn’t I propose? Because I wasn’t 100% sure. When you decide to bond yourself to someone for the rest of your life you probably shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it. I realized I was making too many compromises. She never wants to move out west–she’s repelled by the idea of it. (Too many rednecks, she says). I had always imagined that I would marry someone (if I ever did get married) who shares a love of the faith, not someone who puts up with it. I know that we don’t want clones of ourselves, but it would be nice to have at least some common interests besides Jesus.

And then there’s the fact that things are really warped right now in her faith and family life. It has the effect of making me the center of her world, and it feels more like obsession than love.

But those things are secondary. I prayed, and I received an answer. “Not now.”

As for giving her an explanation or not, I did give her one, and I thought I wrote about it above. On Christmas morning she confessed that she was expecting it, but it wasn’t until Christmas night that we had a talk. I told her about my thinking process, the “message” I received, etc. She later told me it was one of the best, most intimate conversations she’s ever had with me. Apparently I don’t open up enough…

Katie1723:

As for myself…I was wondering just how much of this story is true. And how “advantageous” the “chat request” was. Well timed!

How much? All of it. Are there more details? Yes, but not much is totally relevant.

As for that chat request, I’m telling you the absolute truth there. It was incredibly odd–outrageously odd–timing. Someone looked me up while looking for answers about how to deal with fundamentalist lunacy in a romantic context. Turns out we’d both been through very similar situations. It was nice to just chat about it.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Are these things that made you unsure going to be changing? (Is she going to suddenly want to move? Is her family situation going to be different? Is she ever going to love the faith?etc)

If they aren’t…?

 

[puzzleannie]

montanaman:

Why didn’t I propose? Because I wasn’t 100% sure. When you decide to bond yourself to someone for the rest of your life you probably shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it. I realized I was making too many compromises. .

I am not questioning your reasons, I am questioning why you can share this discussion on an anonymous forum, but not only did you fail to share your reasons with the young lady, who by your own account expected your proposal, but you are actually proud of maintaining a stoic front and declining to share your reasons with her. I guess I am to old to understand how romance is conducted these days. Haul granny off the home, kids.

 

[montanaman]

puzzleannie:

I am not questioning your reasons, I am questioning why you can share this discussion on an anonymous forum, but not only did you fail to share your reasons with the young lady, who by your own account expected your proposal, but you are actually proud of maintaining a stoic front and declining to share your reasons with her. I guess I am to old to understand how romance is conducted these days. Haul granny off the home, kids.

#1, I shared because at the beginning of this thread, I was just sharing what I thought was a joyous experience. But, as people posted some things I realized I couldn’t just shrug their thoughts off. Eventually, it turned into this, me idiotically trying to defend my actions that seem absurd to everyone else.

#2, As I wrote above, I did share my reasons for not proposing to her yet.

#3, “Proud” of maintaining a stoic front? Maybe, because my usual courses of action involve either despair and frustration and being unable to see anything clearly, or hating God for his silence. In this situation, I’ve chosen to keep calm and deal with one pressure at a time.

#4, when I started the process–buying the ring, etc.,-- I’d given up on the “you’ll just know” feeling. I’ve never “just known” ANYTHING. My style is just to act on hunches and go from there. Considering how my brain works, it’s actually miraculous that I’ve accomplished what I have.

With “Grace,” I realized all the “pieces” were there, and I thought that any hesitancy just came from jitters, nerves, whatever. A proposal would dispel all that. As it turned out, those “jitters” became screaming red sirens that got louder the closer I got to zero-hour.

And, of course, there’s the prayerful discernment. If I’m wrong about this, and I get the exact same “message” in the opposite direction, that’s it. I’m done. I can’t stop believing in God, but as for expecting direction from Him, forget it. I suppose that complicates things because I’m holding out that we were brought together for a reason, and maybe the timing is just off for the moment, and if the right moment is on it’s way God will reveal that. If, however, I get a clear message that my recent decision was wrong, I’m moving to a beach somewhere and worshipping margaritas for the rest of my life.

 

[ReginaNova]

montanaman–Don’t question your sanity, buddy. From your posts, it is clear that you have a good head on your shoulders. If you have even the slightest hesitation (as you do), you should it explore it carefully before proceeding with marriage. God is on your side. It will work out for the best–whether that is with Grace or with someone else. Trust yourself and continue to trust God. He has a plan for you.

 

[montanaman]

ReginaNova:

montanaman–Don’t question your sanity, buddy. From your posts, it is clear that you have a good head on your shoulders. If you have even the slightest hesitation (as you do), you should it explore it carefully before proceeding with marriage. God is on your side. It will work out for the best–whether that is with Grace or with someone else. Trust yourself and continue to trust God. He has a plan for you.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Yesterday, an older (50’s) long-time friend and former prayer group leader of mine called me a number of things in an e-mail that the filters on this site would never clear. She wrapped it up with “I still love you,” but she also made clear that I’m “ruining my life” and that I need “professional help.” I think she might have been blowing it out of proportion a bit, but I’ll definitely take her thoughts into consideration.

Basically, though, this is it–I truly have some sort of problem, or I’ve never been more sane. For the moment I’m going to go with “sane.”