Dear oh dear… I apologize in advance from the bottom of my heart for some very harsh words that are about to come out… but here they come… and I must say them because I have been where you are and I know this from experience.
This is all very true. But the reality is our son will suffer if I force separation.
He is already suffering, and will suffer even more if you make no changes.
I love my son so much… And I know my husband loves him too. But it’s all dysfunftional.
Then both of you should be acting like it. You should be protecting him, and you’re not. You are teaching him to put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
I now sort of understand why some people just pick up and leave and move across the country and start a whole new life. I’ve thought about it… As crazy as it sounds.
Doing so would be like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
I have no support though. . . . He was trying to alienate my support system. Then, after he suggested I sue her for my dad’s estate …, she became extremely guarded and never really confides in me.
Alienating you from your support system is one of the signs of abuse. Yes, A-B-U-S-E. He did it a little at a time, and now he has you right where he wants you. You are dependent upon him like you’d be dependent on a drug.
She’s very religious and judgmental. She has told me divorce is a mortal sin. I know it’s not, but that is her belief.
I have been married 3 times. My first marriage (to a sex addict/abuser) lasted 9 years. He had a daughter, who became my daughter, and through her I am a grandma. My second marriage is the one I shall describe to you below. I am now in my third marriage - our relationship is almost 14 years young! - and we are full of love, joy, and prosperity, and with that, we are able to help many people who are in need.
Here we go… and please forgive me for any pain I may cause…
- husband #2 was a very gifted, talented master carpenter until he took a severe fall - from my roof on my house! - and we agreed he should sue me (as this was before our marriage)… my carrier settled for a good sum of money, most of which he wasted, and which I allowed because I wanted to believe in him…
- he could not get work in his field due to his permanent injury, so I had friends encourage him to attend VESID, where he learned remarkable things in the computer field… and then decided that his time was worth more than any prospective employer was willing to pay for a novice in the field… (heck, I’d tell him that ten dollars an hour is better than no dollars an hour, but he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t insulted for him)…
- yes, I’d come home after working a long day and find amazing projects done around the house, like a patio! a deck! a fence! an irrigated vegetable garden! a walk-in closet!.. but I’d have rathered he not use my charge cards for the materials, and GET A JOB INSTEAD!
- the 3 children involved in my marriage to husband #2 were his kids from his prior marriage, and we had them on weekends… when they were dropped off on our doorstep by their mother for Thanksgiving dinner and then never picked back up, I had no choice but to start using my credit cards to buy food… and clothing… and for utilities… and dug my hole even deeper…
- as he began to grow more and more abusive to them and me, due to “stress”…!
I’d physically put myself between him and the kids when he’d get violent. I’d find myself with bruises. I went to Family Court, got an order of protection and had the Sheriff put him out of MY HOUSE. Thank heavens I never put him on the title like he wanted! When I divorced him, I signed-over the truck title and took on every single debt we had - $40,000 - because I wanted him to have a clean slate. I paid them all off, and built a beautiful new life. Him? Not so much. He, too, is remarried. He and his wife (a lovely woman) have been in six different states over the last 14 years… living in rentals… moving in the dead of night to avoid paying rent… collecting financial judgments against them… and he is still singing the same old song… now they are being evicted legally from their last rental home a few miles from me… their last day is 2/15… he has put up a plea on one of those donation-sites begging for money from friends… needing $8,000 to save their rental (3 months of unpaid rent because he wouldn’t take a job that was “beneath” him) and their belongings are scattered in storage lockers in Florida, Virginia and NY… they will be homeless on Saturday… and do I wish I could help?
NO. Not any more. Because if I did, what would happen next month? The same cycle would begin again. And yes, I do know that he has hit her. She told a mutual friend. He blames “explosive anger disorder” I think it’s called.
sigh
So, BUDDYBUDDY… there are some differences between us, but a lot more similarities.
I am
not telling you to run/flee/divorce, but I
am telling you that you need not marriage counseling but FAMILY COUNSELING… and that priest who told you that sex was the answer? Heck no. My husband attended counseling because it was a last ditch effort when he saw me at the end of my rope… and his therapist told him he had several anger issues which began as a child who was raised in a home where the parents fought violently and did not respect one another. You may not have the violence, but you certainly have the lack of respect.
If you’d like to chat privately, I’m all ears. {{{HUGS}}}
